War On Terror

India and Pakistan are on the verge of war. The bad news is that both countries have nukes. The good news is that they have to launch them with catapults.-David Letterman

This weekend I came up with a peace plan for Pakistan and India. Pakistan gets the seven and India gets the 11.-Craig Kilborn

India and Pakistan may go to war soon over Kashmir. When briefed on the situation, George W. Bush said, "Why would they go to war over a sweater?"-Jay Leno

The CIA is now going to work more openly with the FBI. They just haven't told the FBI yet. They're thinking about it.-David Letterman

The FBI and CIA are very competitive. During times of trouble they both fight desperately to be the one that dropped the ball!-David Letterman

The FBI and CIA have now agreed to cooperate on sharing information. Before, here was the difference � the FBI bungles domestic crime and the CIA bungles foreign crime. That's the difference!-David Letterman

A plot to detonate a dirty bomb in New York has been stopped. A dirty bomb is a regular bomb covered with radioactive material. It's the same concept behind the corn dog.-Jay Leno

Politics

All week, President Bush has been discussing global warming � or, as he calls it, summer!-Jay Leno

Did you see the eclipse yesterday? 95% of the sun was covered. Which President Bush said, "See this is why we don�t need solar power, the sun is unreliable.� -Jay Leno

We just live in a terrible time right now. We have the terrorist attacks, India and Pakistan might be going to war, and the stock market is crazy � sometimes don't just wish you were like President Bush and knew nothing of any of this?-David Letterman

The University of Arkansas has announced that it will now be offering a class on the presidency of Bill Clinton. In fact, it'll be the first class ever where you're encouraged to cheat.-Jay Leno

The unemployment rate is back down again at 4.5 percent. It's so low now that the only person unemployed is Al Gore! -Jay Leno

And according to USA Today, President Bush is very annoyed with Attorney General John Ashcroft for overstating the danger of that whole dirty bomb incident. I think there was a little bit of exaggeration there. Like today, when Ashcroft said it was the biggest threat to the American way of life since those naked statues. -Jay Leno

In Minnesota, Governor Jesse Ventura says he will not seek a second term for governor. This means that the only other wrestler in the country running for governor is � well, Janet Reno.-David Letterman

For those keeping up on politics, there was big news yesterday. Jesse Ventura announced that he will not seek a second term as governor of Minnesota. He was quoted as saying at the Statehouse that "it is time to step aside and let other unqualified people run for governor."-Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

In an interview with Steven Seagal, he said that his Buddhist spiritual adviser told him to stop making movies because it would bring bad karma. Interestingly, the spiritual adviser's name is Roger Ebert.-Craig Kilborn

The National Enquirer is reporting that Robert Blake wants plastic surgery on his face before his trial. Of course he does � he wants to remove that guilty look from his face.-Jay Leno

By now you've heard about this R. Kelly, a rapper that was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old girl. He was arrested and sent to jail. You know, if he was a Catholic priest this would only be his one strike!-Jay Leno

Rapper R. Kelly was found guilty of 21 counts of child pornography. It's so bad that he's thinking of changing his name to Father Kelly.-Jay Leno

It is being reported that Kevin Costner has broken up with his longtime girlfriend. Costner said that the breakup was long, painful and disappointing � just like his movies!-Conan O'Brien

I did not realize this, but John Gotti is the first person in his family to die of natural causes.-David Letterman

Martha Stewart may be in trouble for some information on inside trading. Yeah, and I think Martha could be guilty, because today on her show she was showing how to make license plates. -Conan O'Brien

I was just telling the audience before I came out that it was a beautiful day here in New York City. It was such a lovely day that Martha Stewart was doing all her inside trading outside!-David Letterman

And alleged mobster John Gotti was buried today in the family plot. Well, most people call it the East River. -Jay Leno

Right now P. Diddy is on jury duty � or is that P. Duty on Jury Diddy? -David Letterman

Religion

That's the new policy with the Church. Priests are now allowed to molest one boy, you get one strike. So now the church is like golf � you get a mulligan.-Jay Leno

In Pennsylvania a group of Amish people are refusing to put those orange triangle slow-moving-vehicle signs on the backs of their buggies. They say that the sign goes against their belief of not wearing or having anything that draws attraction to them � like driving a horse and buggy down a highway!-Jay Leno

The Gambino crime family will now probably fall apart. That will make the largest crime organization in the city ... the Catholic Church! -David Letterman

Sunday is Father's Day! It's not been a good year for fathers. It's been tough for lots of fathers, like Father Flannigan, Father Williams and Father Robinson.-Jay Leno

Today they voted. It wasn't even unamious. I want to meet the 13 priests who voted against the zero-tolerance plan. But they voted in what they said was a new code of conduct. Don't we have one already? Didn't it used to be called the Ten Commandments? That was OK, that worked the last 2,000 years. -Jay Leno

Law And Order

That's the big story today. Kennedy relative Michael Skakel is on trial for a murder 27 years ago. This goes to prove that the wealthy in America can be found guilty of serious crimes. It might take 27 years, but hey. -Jay Leno

It took 27 years to bring this man to justice � the FBI must have been involved. -Jay Leno

In Florida a schoolteacher was arrested for prostitution. It's bad enough the teachers are having sex with the students, but now they're charging them! -Jay Leno

The trial of two Lebanese brothers accused of running a cigarette-smuggling ring that funded the terrorist group Hezbolla has begun. Do you know what cigarettes they were smuggling? Camels � they were smuggling Camels. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Scientists in Florida are saying we can expect more shark attacks, that shark attacks will rise over the next few years. The sharks are getting bolder and bolder with their attacks. Like recently, two sharks robbed a 7-Eleven in Barstow. -Jay Leno

In northern Kentucky today there was a 5.0 earthquake. No one was killed, but several homes were damaged so bad they were deemed undrivable.-Jay Leno

Starbucks has come out with their own board game. I guess they're not making enough with just coffee. The game takes over an hour to play, so this gives you something to do while waiting in line for coffee.-Jay Leno

A bear has wandered from the woods and is now on the loose in a New Jersey suburb. The citizens of New Jersey became aware of the bear when they noticed something hairy walking around that wasn't wearing gold chains.-Conan O'Brien

A wildfire caused the shutdown of the highway between L.A. and Las Vegas the other day. Tourists were so mad that they just threw their money into the fire instead of going to Vegas and returned home. -Jay Leno

Southwest Airlines is now going to start charging overweight passengers if they take up more than one seat. Overweight people were upset and outraged over this, then they realized, wait, this means two meals!-David Letterman

The original chair used by Captain Kirk on the original Star Trek show is now being auctioned off over the Internet. This is the actual chair used by William Shatner on the show. The bidding is starting at $80,000! You could get William Shatner to come to your house for $800.-Conan O'Brien

Sports

New York City is bidding for the 2012 Summer Olympics. That's all we need is 10 million foreigners with temporary visas running around.-David Letterman

New York City is trying to host the 2012 Summer Olympics. Olympic Officials have been touring the city and it's going good so far because only three officials are missing � so that has to make us look good.-David Letterman

Are you going to get the Mike Tyson-Lennox Lewis fight tomorrow night? It's $55 on pay-per-view. It should be good � the undercard is India versus Pakistan.-David Letterman

Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis will fight for the heavyweight championship of the world tomorrow. Did you know Tyson has tattoos of Mao and Arthur Ashe on his body, and they are huge. I figured this out. They're not tattoos � Tyson actually ate both of these guys! -Jay Leno

Did you see that? Mike Tyson got beat by Heavyweight Champion Lennox Lewis. He was beat bad. So bad that he might have to go back to fighting women.-Jay Leno

Did you see him after the match? He was very nice, he even kissed Lennox Lewis' mom on the cheek. Maybe he just needs his ass kicked every day! -Jay Leno

Did you see Tyson after the match? His eye was swollen, his nose was bleeding � it looked like he had been on a date with himself. -Jay Leno

Did you see Mike Tyson's quote in USA Today? He said he was just happy that Lennox Lewis didn�t kill him. Mike � I saw the fight, and you got killed.-Jay Leno

Last night the L.A. Lakers defeated the New Jersey Nets in game four for the NBA championship. Even better news for the Lakers than winning the championship � they now get to leave New Jersey! -Conan O'Brien

It was actually pretty calm here last night. There was no rioting. The police told everyone not to shoot their guns in the air because you don't know where the bullet could come down. You know, just like the Nets' shooting! -Jay Leno

You probably saw this in the news today. The Lakers drove through the crowd on top of fire trucks. They had a bunch of fire trucks and the Lakers waving there. Meanwhile, 75,000 acres continue burning out of control right outside town. -Jay Leno

You know, the parade went through downtown LA. About four miles an hour. See, this is what I love about this. This is the only city in the world where the parades move faster than normal traffic. -Jay Leno

The College Baseball World Series is going on right now in Omaha, Nebraska. I read that most of the athletes are majoring in biochemistry. This is so they can make their own steroids.-Jay Leno

There now might be a sanity check for those wanting to come into the United States. This means that you can still fight for the heavyweight championship, you just can't get into the country. -Jay Leno

World Cup soccer is going on. People have been saying for years that it is only a matter of time before soccer catches on in the United States � just like the metric system! -Jay Leno

Major League baseball is going to conduct an investigation into players' use of steroids. They will also be conducting an investigation on why the Mets aren't using steroids. -Conan O'Brien