War On Terror

The country of Iraq wants to boost tourism. They say that Iraq gets 50,000 tourists per month - And I have a feeling about next month there will be about a half a million Americans visiting Iraq, dressed in green and carrying M-16�s.-Jay Leno

Happy Veterans Day! Thanks to all those Americans that have served. I hear they are planning a big parade with 250,000 veterans down Main Street Baghdad!-Jay Leno

A new Osama bin Laden videotape has surfaced just in time for the holidays! CNN says this latest tape is proof that Osama is alive. What does CNN know? They think Larry King is still alive.-Jay Leno

Isn�t it something how quickly the news changes? Ten days ago we thought that Osama bin Laden was dead and the Democrats were still alive � today it�s the other way around.-Jay Leno

There is a new Osama bin Laden tape. This one is an audiotape and not videotape. This shows how smart he really is, he wasn�t going to release a video the same week that "Harry Potter� comes out.-Craig Kilborn

Politics

Voter apathy are the two big words to look for with the elections on Tuesday. It�s a bad sign when more people are in line to see the movie "Jackass� instead of in line to vote for one.-Craig Kilborn

They call this an off-year election because there is no presidential election. So it�s sort of like the Winter Olympics, we pretend to care but don�t.-Jay Leno

It was a big night for the Republicans last night! The only Democrat left holding office is Martin Sheen!-Jay Leno

Last night was just a long night for the Democrats. You know it�s going to be a long night when your bright shining star for the future is Frank Lautenberg.-David Letterman

It wasn�t a complete disaster for the Democrats; they still have "The West Wing�. -David Letterman

Wasn�t it uplifting though to see Walter Mondale come back just one last time for another ass whipping?-David Letterman

Republicans are happy! Last night Jeb Bush won in Florida. President Bush was very pleased, he said he was happy but also amazed because not only did Jeb win, but he also had more votes too. -Conan O'Brien

The Republicans had a big victory on Tuesday night. It was a great victory for President Bush � and if you count the presidential election this is the first victory he�s had. -Jay Leno

Republicans had a big victory on Tuesday night. They say the problem the Democrats had was that they did not articulate their message � you know you�re in trouble when you get out-articulated by President Bush. -David Letterman

President Bush was in South Dakota today at Mount Rushmore. There was one odd moment when President Bush asked, "Which one is President Rushmore?� -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Dan Rather described several races last night as "Hotter than a crackling hickory fire� and another race as "Tighter than a Botox smile.� Americans are now saying that Dan Rather is as crazy as a Dan Rather.-Conan O'Brien

Big news from Hollywood, some showbiz news for you � Jennifer Lopez and Ben Afleck are getting married. Ben will be serving a two-year term.-David Letterman

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are getting married. This is Ben�s first marriage. This will be J. Lo�s third marriage. They say if she continues at this pace, and if she stays healthy � she�ll break Barry Bonds record. -David Letterman

Jennifer "Lord of the engagement rings� Lopez has announced that her and Ben Affleck are getting married. J. Lo is always a bride never a bridesmaid. You know it�s bad whenever you come down the aisle and the minister says, "You again!�-Jay Leno

That�s the latest news. A big police file on Winona Ryder has been stolen! The suspect is considered armed and highly ironic. -Jay Leno

Experts are now saying that Winona Ryder�s career might be hotter than ever after her shoplifting trial. In a related story Emilio Estevez stole a car today. -Conan O'Brien

People are now saying that this mess with Winona Ryder, her shoplifting trial � it might actually help her career. In a related story Madonna went to the Gap and tried to steal five pairs of pants.-David Letterman

Bobby Brown was arrested in Atlanta today after being pulled over for speeding and having marijuana on him. You can see the Bobby Brown story on VH-1�s "Before They Were Punch Lines�.-Craig Kilborn

Happy Birthday to Tonya Harding and Sammy Sosa. Actually, you know the main difference between Sammy Sosa and Tonya Harding? Sammy doesn�t use an aluminum bat. -Jay Leno

Today is also Charlie Manson�s birthday. 68-years old. He had a big cake and he had all the voices in his head sing "Happy Birthday� to him. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

There was a 194-car pile-up on the freeway here in L.A. today. No one was killed, that was the good news � and the guy in the first car was able to complete his cell phone call. -Jay Leno

There was a giant accident on the freeway today here in L.A. Don�t worry, ambulances arrived and got everyone to their auditions on time.-Craig Kilborn

Halloween has changed. Don�t you remember when they had big candy bars? Now it�s these small things, yesterday someone gave me a "One Musketeer� bar.-Jay Leno

Conservatives are worried because a new study says that Halloween is now the second most celebrated holiday in the United States. The first of course, being Cinco de Mayo. -Jay Leno

In Nevada voters rejected a ballot measure to legalize small amounts of pot. Voters decided that legalizing marijuana would send the wrong message to Nevada�s young gamblers and prostitutes.-Conan O'Brien

The UPN network is going to have a reality show were contestants compete to become the next supermodel. It�s sort of like "Survivor� except they only eat half the bug. -Jay Leno

New York City is in a budget crisis and may have to make cuts to the subway service. If the subway service is cut thousands of New Yorkers will be forced to urinate elsewhere. -Conan O'Brien

Teen weddings are up by 50% in the country! Well what happened is that teachers are now doing the right thing and marrying their pregnant students. -Jay Leno

A 28-year old woman has been arrested for having a sexual relationship with her son�s 13-year old friend. When I was 13 I was just happy to borrow my friends Nerf football!-Craig Kilborn

Ellis Island closed its doors this week in 1954. This is the place where we used to process immigrants coming into the country. Of course, that was back in the days where we used to process immigrants coming into the country.-Jay Leno

My grandparents went through Ellis Island. Hey, for a lot of people, it really was the "Gateway to America�, much like the trunk of a Chevy today.-Jay Leno

United Airlines announced plans today to lay off 2,700 flight attendants. It�s so cruel how they did it. They told them to leave out of the front, back or side exits. -Jay Leno

The movie "8-Mile� starring Eminem made $54 million dollars this weekend. So you what that means: Get ready for "9-Mile!�-Jay Leno

Critics are saying Eminem may be the new Elvis. If that�s his plan, he started out the wrong way. He made a good movie! -Jay Leno

A man has admitted to stealing over 3,000 books from the L.A. library. Isn�t that amazing? I didn�t know we had books in L.A.! -Jay Leno

It�s that time of the year again. A 76-foot spruce from Northern New Jersey has been sent to Rockefeller Center to be the city�s Christmas tree. Nothing like the destruction of a 200-year-old piece of nature to celebrate the holiday spirit!-David Letterman

A billionaire in Texas has hired the Rolling Stones to play at his 60th birthday party. The Rolling Stones said that they are looking forward to the event and that this will be a way for them to stay in touch with their younger fans. -Conan O'Brien

There�s a new policy here in L.A. for celebrities that commit crimes � 3 strikes and you�re on Hollywood Squares.-Craig Kilborn