War On Terror

The government released a report today on the crimes of Saddam Hussein and human rights abuses in Iraq. The report said 15 million people have fled their homeland. And today, Mexico said, "So?� we call that "Thursday� here in L.A.-Jay Leno

The Pentagon today announced a major policy change. They said if there�s war with Iraq they will allow the media to be there. They will give the media total access to the front lines. They�re calling this, "Operation Goodbye Geraldo!�-Jay Leno

There are no inspections taking place in Iraq today or tomorrow because of a holiday. It�s a national holiday in Iraq. I believe it�s called "Hide The Missile Day.�-Jay Leno

Today, Saudi Arabia promised to start cracking down on terrorists. I�m sure that will work. Like putting Whitney Houston on the war on drugs.-Jay Leno

The Saudi Arabians said today they are cracking down on terrorists. Saudi Arabia says they compiled a list of all the known terrorists in Saudi Arabia. I think that�s called the phone book.-Jay Leno

Iraq has handed in a weapons report and the only thing they left out was the weapons.-Jay Leno

Weapons inspectors were kicked out of North Korea. And today Saddam Hussein said, "You can do that?"-Jay Leno

Over the weekend, Saddam Hussein turned in his big report on weapons. It�s 12,000 pages long. Still, I understand it�s easier to read than Al Gore�s new book.-Jay Leno

That shows you how clever Saddam Hussein is. By the time Bush finishes reading this thing (Saddam Hussein's report on weapons), he�ll be out of office. Bush started on Saturday and he�s now on page two! -Jay Leno

This Saddam Hussein is nuts, he's a maniac, but he's also wily. He�s now trying to act like a nice guy. The other day he apologized to Kuwait � and today he resigned from the Augusta National Golf Club.-David Letterman

Top FBI experts say today that killing Osama bin Laden would not stop terrorism. But there are some things you can do just for the fun of it!-Jay Leno

Al-Qaeda has issued new threats against the United States. They say we're not safe on land, sea or in the air. I think Amtrak, Carnival Cruise ships and United Airlines took care of that. We can handle it. -Jay Leno

Politics

In Washington, the government has now cancelled all pay raises for all federal employees. So President Bush�s party has taken control of congress, last week they gave themselves pay raises, and cancelled pay raises for all other employees. I think that�s called the Republican Trifecta. -Jay Leno

Today President Bush signed papers giving federal employees a full day's pay for half a day's work on Christmas Eve and he figures why should Christmas Eve be different than any other day in the federal government? -Jay Leno

I was reading the paper today about these guys who run a Santa Claus school where they train to be department store Santas. He said the one golden rule is to never promise anything you can�t deliver. Forget the department stores, we should have this guy lecturing congress!-Jay Leno

According to a new Gallup poll, President Bush is the most-admired man in America. He received the highest number of votes, 28 percent. President Bush was very excited � this is the first time he got the most votes. -Jay Leno

Today there was a total eclipse of the sun in Australia. Dick Cheney used this as an excuse to support the oil companies. He said, "You see, I told you we can�t trust solar energy. It�s not dependable.�-Jay Leno

Yesterday, Senator Strom Thurmond turned 100 years old. They had a huge celebration for him in the Senate Office Building. And you know who hosted the party? Bob Dole. That�s when you know you�re old. When your party planner is Bob Dole. "We need some young ideas! Bring Bob in here!� -Jay Leno

Al Gore shocked the nation yesterday by announcing he will not run for president in 2004. The bad news: Now he has time to write another book.-Jay Leno

Today in Washington President Bush visited a Muslim mosque to meet with worshipers during the Muslim holiday of Ramadan. There was one awkward moment when President Bush wished everyone a Merry Christmas!-Conan O'Brien

There's only 12 shopping days left until Christmas. If you're looking for something, this is a great gift. A Web site is selling a talking George W. Bush doll. The doll looks and sounds like the president. The doll can mispronounce over 100 words.-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Supreme Court this week is going to decide once and for all whether or not to outlaw cross burning when it is used to intimidate and threaten people. Yeah, as opposed to the fun family cross burning we went to as kids. Remember the fun? -Jay Leno

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced he will be seeking more military base closings next year. The good news � most are in Iraq. -Jay Leno

Trent Lott

Congratulations to former President Jimmy Carter. He was awarded the Nobel Prize for his efforts in trying to convince Trent Lott that the Civil War was over.-Jay Leno

Who do you think has a better chance to be around in January? Saddam Hussein or Trent Lott?-Jay Leno

More information came out today for Trent Lott�s segregationist past. It seems 40 years ago, at Old Miss, he led the battle to keep blacks out of his fraternity � Phi Beta Cracker. -Jay Leno

Lott is still a member of an all-white fraternity. It�s called the U.S. Senate!-Jay Leno

It�s Friday the 13th! Today people were staying out of their way of black cats. But Trent Lott was going out of his way just to have his picture with one.-Conan O'Brien

Earlier tonight, Trent Lott appeared on BET, the Black Entertainment Network. For a lot of black folks these days, Trent Lott is black entertainment.-Jay Leno

Hey, Kev, what does Trent Lott have in common with a Christmas tree? By next week, it'll all be gone!! -Jay Leno

I saw Trent Lott on one of those morning shows today and he said that he plans to stay on and fight this out. Translation: He'll be gone in a week. -David Letterman

The Economy

A wallet found in 1975 has been returned to its rightful owner complete with the $37 dollars that was left in the wallet. If that money had been invested in the stock market back in 1975 � today it would be worth about $37 dollars. -Craig Kilborn

President Bush is now forming a new economic team. Bush is smart. He's going to use the same people they used to count the votes in Florida. He's going to have them count the money in the treasury. This way, it'll look like, "Oooh! A surplus!" -Jay Leno

As you know, United Airlines filed for bankruptcy yesterday. U.S. Airways filed for bankruptcy a couple of months ago. Do you realize that before this is over, the United States could have more no-fly zones than Iraq? -Jay Leno

According to latest surveys, most retailers had the worst Christmas sales in over 30 years. In fact, at Wal-Mart they were so desperate to get people in the store, if you didn't have a kid, they'd give you one to beat in the aisle. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

That�s the big rumor. Jennifer Lopez is planning a Christmas wedding. Followed by a 4th of July wedding, and a Labor Day wedding, as well.-Jay Leno

Jennifer Lopez has a new holiday album out called "The 12 Days of Marriage."-Jay Leno

The news networks are going to have a big, big problem on their hands. What if President Bush declares war on Iraq the same day Jennifer Lopez gets married? Are there enough reporters for both these stories, and which one do you lead with? -Jay Leno

Martha Stewart�s TV show has been renewed for another season. They gave her a one-year deal, which could be interrupted if the Judge gives her a five-year deal.-Jay Leno

Last night on "Prime Time,� Whitney Houston gave the big tell-all interview with Diane Sawyer. At the very same moment, her husband Bobby Brown was on another channel getting busted on "Cops.�-Jay Leno

Did you watch Whitney Houston�s interview the other night with Diane Sawyer? She said she used alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, prescription drugs, but she did not smoke crack. That�ll ruin your reputation. -Jay Leno

Whitney Houston said today that although she has used a lot of different drugs, she has never let drugs interfere with her judgment. Whitney, you're married to Bobby Brown! Hello! -Jay Leno

Nick Nolte told the judge that when the police pulled him over for driving under the influence, he said it was a wake-up call. Literally � cops were screaming, "Wake up!"-Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson did an interview with Dan Patrick on ESPN the other night. He said no matter where he goes, people are very positive toward him. Sure they are. They�re positive he did it!-Jay Leno

Winona Ryder was sentenced to three years probation and community service. Of course, community service and probation in Beverly Hills is a little bit different. She�ll be serving hot meals to people who make less than $200,000 a year.-Jay Leno

Sales for this Christmas season are low. In fact, things are so bad that stores are letting Winona Ryder in. -Conan O'Brien

Mel Gibson is getting $25 million to star in the new "Mad Max Road Warrior" movie. Madonna�s getting $30 million not to star in it. -Jay Leno

The other day the Coast Guard had to rescue someone that fell off of Geraldo's yacht. A person on his boat fell overboard. The person that fell in said, "It was a no-win situation, there were sharks in the water and there was Geraldo on the boat."-Conan O'Brien

It's cold here in New York City. But it's supposed to be cold this time of the year. Here's an idea of how cold it's been � it's been so cold that Michael Jackson has been dangling his kids indoors.-David Letterman

Popular Culture

How many of you got your Christmas shopping done already? This year, I�m doing all my Christmas shopping online. Do you know what that means? I�m getting everybody porn! -Jay Leno

The new, hot item is this new product that claims to cure all body odor, including smelly feet and underarms. Didn�t that used to be called a shower?-Jay Leno

Today is December 20, which means it's the last day to get your mail to the post office if you want them to lose your packages by Christmas.-David Letterman

Here in California, there�s a new campaign to eliminate the Mexican fruit fly. Here�s my question: If 20,000 border guards can�t stop a 200-pound migrant worker walking across the border, how are you going to catch a tiny fly? -Jay Leno

Henry Chancy the creator of the S.A.T. tests, remember those? He died today at the age of 97. He died when his car that was going 10 miles per hour collided with a train that was going 60 miles per hour.-Craig Kilborn

In Ohio, a high school student is suspended for putting marijuana in Rice Krispie treats and selling them at a school fund raiser. But the good news is that the fundraiser took in over 20 million dollars!-Jay Leno

Last week the guy that pretended to be Bigfoot died. That�s right, there was some guy up in the Pacific Northwest that would go out and dress up like Bigfoot. He passed away last week. On the bright side, though � there�s now a job opening for Janet Reno.-David Letterman

In Mexico City they are starting a new police force where the officers will be dressing like cowboys. They will be wearing hats and even spurs. In a related story � Mexico City has announced it is gay.-Conan O'Brien

And finally, Playboy has signed a deal to develop the first official "Playboy" video game. It�ll be used in conjunction with the Sony Play-With-Yourself station.-Jay Leno

New York is the best during the holidays. The people and the city are just great. Today in my cab, on the dashboard I noticed the driver had a sign that said "Feliz Navidad." But then I realized that was his name. -David Letterman

It happened again this week. This priest is being accused of molesting teenage boys while they slept! That�ll teach you kids to nod off in church!-Jay Leno

The Federal Trade Commission released a brand new set of guidelines for telemarketers this week. The best part about it � the FTC notified the telemarketers of the new guidelines with a phone call during dinner. -Conan O'Brien

The world's largest strip club just opened in Las Vegas called "Sapphire." 70,000 square feet. 400 topless dancers. It's like Hooters meets Price Club. -Jay Leno

A man was caught smuggling 500 teddy bears filled with cocaine into the country. Well, there's one toy that won't need batteries! -Craig Kilborn

According to a scientist in the latest issue of "National Geographic Magazine," all human beings alive today are descendants of a single man who lived in Africa 60,000 years ago. More bad news for Trent Lott. -Jay Leno

And finally, according to a recent survey, 56 percent of women carry condoms. The other 44 percent are carrying babies. -Jay Leno

That's the big story. This 31-year-old American woman claims to have given birth to the first cloned human baby. At least that's what she told her husband, who had a vasectomy. -Jay Leno

They say this first cloned human baby is a girl named Eve. They say she has blonde hair and three beautiful blue eyes. -Jay Leno

Yesterday, another pilot was caught getting on the plane drunk. The guy failed the breathalyzer test. This time it was Delta. Never trust an airline named after a fraternity!-Jay Leno

How about this West Virginia building contractor, the winner of the $315 million dollar Powerball Lottery. Imagine that � a building contractor. Now he's got $315 million bucks. Do you know who I feel sorry for? The poor homeowner waiting for this guy to finish his family room. -Jay Leno

Here's some happy news � a woman just graduated from the University of Southern Florida at the age of 76. It took her 57 years to finish college. You know what you call people who take 57 years to finish college? Linemen! -Jay Leno

This is true, a man went to a video store and rented a porno movie and was surprised when he watched to see his wife in the movie dressed as a French maid. Yeah, the guy was shocked that his wife was doing housework.-Craig Kilborn

Television And Movies

NBC is brining back the classic TV show "CHIPs." Producers say the show will have new actors and it will be updated to reflect the difference in California over the last 25 years. So both the cops will be Hispanic. -Jay Leno

Mel Gibson has agreed to do "Mad Max 4." It's a futuristic story in which a war has left ordinary people fighting over gas and oil for their vehicles. It takes place sometime in the future. I think it's January 2003. -Jay Leno

Here in Hollywood, plans are under way for a fourth "Indiana Jones" movie, a fourth "Mad Max" movie and a sixth "Rocky" film. I just hope it never gets to the point where they�re doing these things just for the money. -Jay Leno

Slyvester Stallone has signed on for another Rocky movie � "Rocky VI." In this one, he�s fighting glaucoma. -Jay Leno

Patrick Stewart, the actor who plays Jon Luc Pickard in the "Star-Trek" movies, said this week that not all "Star-Trek" fans are obsessive nerds. Yeah, he went on to say, some are compulsive weenies.-Conan O'Brien

And finally, the Fox Network has a new reality show called "Joe Millionaire,� which 20 women compete to marry a man they�re told has just inherited $50 million dollars. And at the end of the season, after he picks the woman, they�re told he�s just a "regular Joe� who makes $19,000 a year. That�ll be followed by another Fox show called "When Whores Attack.�-Jay Leno

ABC has cancelled the show "That Was Then.� Today I saw a cast member panhandling with a sign that said, "This is now.� -Craig Kilborn

Sports

Michael Jordan announced he�s going to retire at the end of the season. As opposed to the Lakers who retired at the beginning of the season.-Jay Leno

Yesterday, UCLA fired their head coach, Bob Toledo. And as usual, Toledo had no defense.-Jay Leno

Toledo got fired because the Bruins lost five games this year. What will they do to the Cincinnati Bengals' head coach? Execute him? -Jay Leno

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was with Pete Rose this week to discuss reinstating him to baseball. I guess the talks were going pretty good until Rose said to Selig, "What are the odds?" -Jay Leno

Congratulations to Shaq. According to the L.A. Times, later this month Shaq is getting married. The sad news � it could he his only chance to get another ring this year. -Jay Leno

USC is down in Florida right now preparing for the Orange Bowl. You know who paid a surprise visit to them over the weekend? O.J. Simpson. How creepy is that? He gave the team a pep talk. He said, "Go out there and kill them � but don't get caught." -Jay Leno

Today the Cincinnati Bengals fired their head coach, Dick Lebeau. They fired him. Here's my question � what took so long? 2-14, isn't that what they are? Even the coach was shocked. He said, "I should have been fired like six months ago." -Jay Leno

The Bengals won two games all season. You know who should get fired? The two coaches who lost to the Bengals. -Jay Leno