War On Terror

The American Taliban, Johnny Walker, testified in court today. He complained that when he was captured he was confined to a room that was too small, had no heat and had only one lightbulb. Oh please, shut up! To every other American 20-year-old that's called a dorm room!-Jay Leno

The American Taliban, John Walker-Lindh � he's easy to remember, there's only one. He is testifying in court this week. He complained that when he was captured he was kept in a small, unheated room with one light bulb. A place like that in Manhattan would go for $5,000 a month!-Conan O'Brien

Right now in Afghanistan music is making a comeback. For so long it was banned, but now musicians are safe to play there again. Do you know what the big hit there is right now? Disco! Seriously, disco music is the big thing in Afghanistan now. So we've brought them out of the 13th century, but only up to 1978.-Jay Leno

I brought this up the other night. Disco is the most popular form of music in Afghanistan. So I guess we stopped the bombings too early!-Jay Leno

Airport security staff were in the news again. Seems the five largest pilot unions now have asked President Bush to allow them to carry guns in the cockpit. Why do you even have to ask? All you have to do is put that gun in a a carry-on bag and airline security will let you right through. Everybody does it, so what's the problem?-Jay Leno

There's a new Osama bin Laden tape out. I haven't seen it yet. Let me guess � he's standing next to a big rock threatening us. Am I close?-Jay Leno

A big celebrity birthday today � Saddam Hussein! He turns 65 today. He's the other crazy Arab leader we need to kill. -David Letterman

The FBI has issued warnings to banks in the Northeast about possible terrorist attacks. My question is how do you notify the banks? Has anyone ever called your bank and gotten an actual human being?-Jay Leno

The Middle East

Did anyone check the paper? What's our Middle East policy for today? -Jay Leno

Yasser Arafat is hiding out on the floor of his office with his aides. He's the first major world leader to have to do that since ... well, Bill Clinton!-Jay Leno

Colin Powell says he will talk with Yasser Arafat this week under the right circumstances � like if Arafat's still alive!-Jay Leno

It's been announced that Louis Farrakhan is going to the Middle East. Finally! The voice of reason, someone who can settle this thing!-Jay Leno

The latest from the Middle East � there was a gun battle today outside the Church of the Nativity. That's where the Three Wise Men came 2,000 years ago. Apparently there hasn't been a wise man seen in the area since.-Jay Leno

Over in the Middle East the standoff continues at the Church of the Nativity. So we have Jews holding up Muslims in a Christian Church � it's nice to see the world's religions coming together.-Jay Leno

I love this so-called bipartisanship in Washington. The Democrats are now saying that if they were in charge they could get Israel to pull out of Palestine. Oh, please! They couldn't get Bill to pull out of Monica! -Jay Leno

Things are so bad in the Middle East that a hotel in Jerusalem is giving guests free bullet-proof vests with their stay. They are also telling guests that check-out time could happen at any moment! -Conan O'Brien

Yesterday President Bush was to have a two-hour meeting with the Saudi Arabian prince. The actual meeting took five hours because they had to translate from Arabic to English, then English to Bush. -Conan O'Brien

Politics

President Bush has announced a new $280 million plan for getting more volunteers in communities, more firefighters and people like that. My question is if these are volunteers, then what is the $280 million for?-Jay Leno

Did you get your taxes done? I had to file for an extension � my accountant is away with Kenneth Lay doing five to 10. -Jay Leno

The news from Washington today is that a Secret Service agent broke his kneecap protecting Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. When her husband Bill heard about this he said, "He's lucky � she usually goes for the groin!" -Conan O'Brien

Today is Earth Day - or, as the Bush administration calls it, Monday! -David Letterman

Yesterday was Earth Day. President Bush was up in the Adirondack Mountains showing how to use an ax � it's the same ax he's using on Social Security.-David Letterman

Today at the White House Karen Hughes resigned. She says she is going to spend more time with her family. You have to love Washington. Whenever someone leaves, it's to spend time with the family. They never mention their family when they take the job. -Jay Leno

Karen Hughes, the woman who helped George W. Bush during the campaign, is stepping down from the administration. President Bush went down to the Hallmark Store today to buy a "Sorry you're 'resignationing'" card. -David Letterman

Vice President Dick Cheney is on crutches after banging his Achilles' tendon over the weekend. They had to take him to the hospital. This is the first time that Cheney has left the hospital with the same heart! -Jay Leno

Today is "Take Your Daughters to Work Day." This concept was started about 20 years ago when a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy walked out of an office with an 18-year-old. -David Letterman

Former President Clinton is looking for a condo here in Manhattan, somewhere on the East Side. I believe the name of the building will be the "Hump Tower." -David Letterman

President Bush was in South Dakota today. There was an awkward moment at Mount Rushmore when President Bush said, "Hey, look, it's those guys on the money!"-Conan O'Brien

President Bush says he wants sexual abstinence taught in schools. Times have changed since I was in school. The teachers never taught it � every date with a girl was a lesson in sexual abstinence!-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Kathy Lee is now writing her memoirs, which she says are going to be "painfully honest." This is different from her music, which is honestly painful.-Conan O'Brien

Bill Gates and his wife are going to have a baby. When asked what the sex of the baby is, Bill said he didn't care if they have a geek or a nerd.-Craig Kilborn

Pamela Anderson is going to get married again. This time to Kid Rock. Pamela Rock she'll be. It's going to be a small wedding � 8 millimeter only! -Jay Leno

Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting married. So I guess they'll have Kid kids. You know, my question is does Kid Rock have a bachelor party? I mean isn't Pam already a bachelor party?-Jay Leno

Sally Jesse Raphel has said that she found out that someone is selling fake autographs of her on the Internet. The shocking thing is that someone is buying them! -Conan O'Brien

Tonya Harding is back in the news. She was arrested for drunk driving. She got charged with DUI when she wrecked her car in a ditch. She was OK, though the force of the crash deployed her implants. -Jay Leno

Tonya Harding is back in the news. Over the weekend she was charged with driving under the influence. Police say that she may have had up to two boxes of wine in her system. -Jay Leno

Charles Manson has been denied parole for the 10th time! Manson is looking pretty old now � he's so old that he needs a Miracle Ear just to hear the voices in his head. -Jay Leno

Happy Birthday to Willie Nelson! He is 69 years old. He is now smoking marijuana with calcium. -Jay Leno

Lawyers for Anna Kournikova are suing Penthouse magazine for publishing topless photos of Anna that are fake. If she wins this case, it will be the first time she has won anything! -Conan O'Brien

Robert Blake

Robert Blake has been arrested for the murder of his wife. When his lawyer was reached for comment, he said that Blake was just happy to be back on TV.-Conan O'Brien

The police said today that they have a very, very solid case against Blake. They have a weapon, a suspect, a motive, 900 pieces of evidence, over 35,000 documents, and on top of it two witnesses that say Robert Blake asked them to murder his wife. I don�t know, you�re going to have to have a lot more than that to convince a jury here in L.A.! -Jay Leno

He was also charged with two counts of soliciting murder. He asked two people to kill his wife, but O.J. and Gary Condit turned him down. -Jay Leno

Blake apparently had asked two people to kill his wife. One of them was one of his stunt doubles! OK, if you're going to get someone to murder someone, why would you ask someone that looks like you? Get an albino midget, not someone that looks like you! -Jay Leno

Blake actually asked several of his stuntmen from his old show "Baretta" if they'd murder his wife for him. He also tried asking several of the show's writers to make up an alibi.-David Letterman

Robert Blake will be tried by a jury of his peers � 12 other out-of-work actors.-Jay Leno

Say what you will about Robert Blake, but he's a gentleman � he took her to dinner before he killed her.-David Letterman

Robert Blake was booked yesterday � this was his first booking in over 10 years!-Jay Leno

Robert Blake�s attorney contacted me today � he said that we need to stop referring to Blake as a murderer. Instead he should be called a "widower by choice." -Jay Leno

Science And Technology

A French person has invented a cell phone that works underwater. Well, it's about time! I don't know how many times I've been at the bottom of a swimming pool and tried using my phone. How about inventing a cell phone that doesn't work in movie theaters or restaurants?-Jay Leno

Scientists at the University of Massachusetts have invented a sandwich for the military that stays edible for three years. I think it's made with the same technology as the Twinkie. -Jay Leno

If after three years the sandwiches don't get eaten, then they will be used to refill vending machines at bus stations. -Jay Leno

A study that was just released this week by scientists found that chips and French fries can give you cancer. Then the scientists said, "Wait, did we say cancer? We meant it will give you a really fat ass!"-Conan O'Brien

A study released this week by scientists in Sweden says that certain foods like French fries can cause cancer. The good news is that for 39 cents you can now get your tumor super-sized!-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

A woman gave birth inside Disneyland last week. Immediately after the baby came out, they charged it $33 for admission.-Jay Leno

The postal service will soon be selling stamps online. Now I'm no expert, but if you're going to buy stamps online, why don�t you just use e-mail? -Jay Leno

Garbage trucks in Taiwan are now going to be playing messages in English in hopes that it will teach more of its citizens to speak English. If the plan works, it'll be tried here in Southern California.-Jay Leno

A recent survey found that one-quarter of Americans are bilingual. The other three-quarters of Americans can't speak any English at all.-Jay Leno

A recent survey found that people in Colombia consider themselves the happiest people on Earth. Well, duh � their number one product is cocaine!-Jay Leno

An American Airlines plane ran off the runway this week while it was being worked on, after someone forgot to set the parking brake. The amazing thing is that the plane ended up in the street and the luggage still ended up in Cleveland. -Jay Leno

In national reading tests, California students placed 49th out of 50! I think I speak for all Californians when I say, "Thank you, Alabama!"-Craig Kilborn

Did you see the 20-year-old girl that won the $58 million lottery? She�s from a small town in Georgia. Ever since she won she's been getting calls from uncles she hasn't had sex with in years.-Jay Leno

In commemoration of the 35th anniversary of "Star Trek," TV Guide is selling 35 different collectible covers of the show this week. The covers also include a free rope to hang yourself.-Conan O'Brien

In Arizona a Fed Ex truck was impounded and several people arrested when it was found illegal aliens were being brought across the border in the truck. You know there�s an immigration problem when that happens! Before they just came here in a few days. Now that they're being sent by Fed Ex, they arrive the next day!-Jay Leno

"The Osbournes" is now the biggest show in MTV history. This is how far we've come since I was a kid. We used to watch "Father Knows Best" � now it's "Father Doesn't Know Which Day of the Week It Is."-Jay Leno

Last night I was watching TV and I saw one of those shows where they talk to the deceased. Then I realized it was just wife Sharon trying to talk to Ozzy. -Jay Leno

I was at a red light last night in Beverly Hills and man pulled up to me and asked for directions to Ozzy Osbourne's house � and it was Ozzy! -Craig Kilborn

According to the Associated Press, a Dallas man has broken the record for visiting 2,850 Starbucks. The weird thing is that they are all located on the same block. -Conan O'Brien

"Cops" did their 500th show this weekend. In 500 shows I still haven't seen anyone arrested on "Cops" that was sober and wearing a shirt. -Jay Leno

You know what's changed the most in the past 10 years? The music business. There was no Napster or MP3s, you didn�t burn your own CDs at home. I can remember when Kevin and I had to go down to Tower Records and steal CDs in our underpants instead. -Jay Leno

In France there was a big protest over an anti-Semitic political candidate. One of the protesters remarked, "Face it, the French should look down on all people equally."-Conan O'Brien

Religion

The pope has called all the cardinals to Rome for a meeting on the scandal � I guess they want to get together to get their stories straight. -Jay Leno

The pope has called all the cardinals to Rome � or, as the cardinals are calling it, spring break! -Jay Leno

You know how they are luring the priests back to Rome? They're having a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir. -Jay Leno

Now that these scandals have broken, many Catholics are calling for the end to celibacy. Many of the priests are now saying, "Celibacy? What's that?"-Jay Leno

More bad news for the Church. A priest in Florida was arrested for dealing drugs. He was dealing meth. Police became suspicious of the priest when he did the whole sermon in Latin in under two minutes. -Jay Leno

Many Catholics are now calling for an end to celibacy. How about we try it first! Then if it doesn't work, we'll change it.-Jay Leno

The cardinals are back from Rome after meeting with the pope. The Catholic Church has reaffirmed celibacy � isn't that like Clinton reaffirming monogamy? -Jay Leno

In Boston, Cardinal Bernard "Above the" Law will not be punished. Instead he is going to be transferred to Rome. So he's being promoted. I don't think he understands how lucky he is � today he said, "I'd like to thank the little people." -Jay Leno

This is an odd time in the Catholic Church. When you go to confession, after you're done you'll hear, "OK, now it's my turn."-David Letterman

Sports

You can now buy tapes of baseball games with the boring parts edited out of them. The Tigers game yesterday has "The Star-Spangled Banner" and a Budweiser commercial � that's it.-Jay Leno

The Masters is going on right now. This is going to be the last Masters for Arnold Palmer. After the Masters is over this year, he is going to retire, relax and just play some golf. -Conan O'Brien

Tiger Woods won his third Masters! How many ugly green jackets does this guy need?-Jay Leno

This year they made the fairways longer to make the Masters more competitive for the other golfers. Next year they are going to require Tiger to take a shot of tequila at every hole. -Jay Leno

In sports news the Texas Rangers have sent pitcher John Rocker down to the minors. When he heard this, Rocker said, "What! I have to play with minorities?"-Jay Leno

Last night the first live execution was televised � the Lakers and the Trailblazers.-Jay Leno

The French skating judge has been suspended from the Olympics for three years. That's a tough sentence, considering the next winter olympics is in four years! -Jay Leno