War On Terror

More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. How many of you only have one or two palaces? Each one of these palaces of Saddam�s has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didn't think this guy was creepy before � now he's starting to sound like Michael Jackson.-David Letterman

Each of the palaces has a luxury resort, a torture chamber and a weapons factory � but most people go there just to play the slots. -David Letterman

Here�s what we know about Saddam Hussein � he�s executed 53 of his relatives. 53 of his relatives? Is it just me or is it getting harder and harder to dislike this guy? -David Letterman

They say that Saddam has as many as three doubles. When President Bush was asked about this he said, "Three doubles � that makes six, right?� -Jay Leno

Today President Bush reminded Saddam there are only 85 bombing days left before Christmas.-Jay Leno

Tonight the House and Senate are debating the situation with Iraq. The plans are expected to clear both the House and Senate � but the plans still need to be approved by Barbra Streisand and Harry Belafonte.-Jay Leno

The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq � or, as President Bush calls it, "Operation Re-election"! -Jay Leno

Yesterday congress voted to give President Bush the authority to use force against Iraq. One of the senators voting "yes� to the bill was New York Senator Hillary Clinton. She voted for the President. This was historic because this marks the first time Hillary Clinton has said "yes� to a US President. -Conan O'Brien

The president said, "We can't wait for final proof" when talking about Iraq. That�s a quote, "We can't wait for final proof." Just like we couldn't wait for final proof in Florida.-Jay Leno

There�s been a leak at the CIA and they say that Saddam Hussein may be working on constructing the biggest bomb in history � a movie starring both Steven Segal and Madonna.-Craig Kilborn

The Iraqi vice president has called for a dual with pistols between President Bush and Saddam Hussein to settle their differences. A dual with pistols? Bush is from Texas, so I'm not worried � but a game of Scrabble, then we�d have to worry.-Jay Leno

The New York Times is reporting that the Bush Administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida. -Conan O'Brien

Time magazine has come out with a story saying that the "American Taliban," John Walker Lindh, might be a homosexual. Many people are now saying, well of course, there were signs and he was always the type of person to do whatever to fit in with any group. So when he was in Afghanistan he was saying he was Islamic and now that he's going to jail he's claiming he's homosexual, well sure.-Jay Leno

Iraq may not be President Bush�s biggest problem anymore. It was announced the other day that North Korea has nuclear weapons. Bush�s solution � start a war between North Korea and Iraq. -Jay Leno

In a bizarre move, Saddam Hussein has released all prisoners being held in Iraqi jails. Isn't that amazing? Iraq has prisoners that are still alive? -Jay Leno

Iraqi Election

Next week in Iraq they have their presidential election. Saddam Hussein is the only person on the ballot. But like all politicians he's trying to get that young vote. Well, on the al-Jazera network they have a program that Saddam appeared on � it's called "Iraq the Vote." -Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein won election again in Iraq. See they have two boxes at the voting booths in Iraq. One box is to vote in and the other box is what they put you in if you don�t vote for Saddam!-Jay Leno

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100% of the vote. Or as they call it in Florida, "Too close to call!"-Jay Leno

Congrats to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. He got 99% of the vote. There was a last minute surge that gave the 1% of the vote to Frank Lauttenburg.-David Letterman

You know, Saddam Hussein has won re-election in Iraq. The vote: 11 million to zero. 11 million to zero. Wasn't that the score of the Bengals game the other night? -Jay Leno

Actually, two people were killed in Baghdad by stray bullets that were fired in the air in one of Saddam Hussein's victory celebrations. Sad thing is, this is Iraq's biggest military victory in 20 years.-Jay Leno

Politics

Did you hear about that story? Barbara Sreisand faxed a memo to Dick Gephardt telling him to stand up against President Bush and his plans against Iraq. This is what I love, we have Barbara Streisand telling elected officials what to do and people looked at the memo and passed it around � then we had memos about terrorists attacks sent to the FBI and President Bush and no one knows what happened to those � aren�t things a little backwards?-Jay Leno

In polls in Florida, Jeb Bush is leading Democrat challenger Bill McBride by six points. However, since this is Florida there is a 2,000-point margin of error with the poll.-Jay Leno

Today producers of the game show "Hollywood Squares� said that they have asked former President Bill Clinton to be the center square on the show � and Clinton is considering it! How humbling is that? The same week that Jimmy Carter gets the Nobel Peace Prize you are asked to be the center square on "Hollywood Squares�. -Jay Leno

Al Gore says he has written a book with his wife, Tipper about a subject that he cares deeply about. So I guess it' a cookbook?! -Jay Leno

President Bush is in Florida right now for his brother�s reelection bid. You know, because he owes him one. -Jay Leno

Next Tuesday voters in Florida will go back to the polls for the election. They won�t know what to do when they get there, but they�ll be going. -Jay Leno

The Economy

Al Gore has been speaking out against President Bush. Yesterday he said that the economy is in big trouble. It�s in big trouble because Gore hasn�t had a job in two years.-Jay Leno

The CIA is saying that according to cell phone conversations they believe al-Qaeda is next planning to target our financial markets. Not so quick, we�re one step ahead of them this time! We destroyed that on our own! -Jay Leno

President Bush showed a turning point on Saturday during a speech showing he might be turning more towards the economy now. He said that he was concerned about job loss across the country � mainly his own. -Jay Leno

The stock market skyrocketed today by 300 points! They say the surge was due to investor�s fears of attack on Iraq being put aside now that they know Barbara Streisand is in charge.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

In a recent interview Snoop Dogg says he has decided to stop smoking marijuana. When asked why he quit, Snoop said he stopped after he saw what it did to the Mets.-Conan O'Brien

Rapper Snoop Dogg has stopped smoking marijuana. Snoop Dogg now has 16 free hours a day.-Conan O'Brien

Actor Harrison Ford is now engaged to Calista Flockheart. He proposed to her and then slipped a ring around her waist.-David Letterman

Tomorrow night Barbara Walters is interviewing Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. They are expected to talk about what it is like staying in power for so long while all your contemporaries die off � then they are going to talk about Castro.-Conan O'Brien

The Ann Landers estate is being prepared to be auctioned off. Some of the items included are letters from former President Jimmy Carter. Isn�t that a little disconcerting that the President was asking Ann Landers for advice? Dear Ann, I have two friends in the Middle East that don�t get along, what do I do?-Jay Leno

Tennis star Serena Williams will make her acting debut on a CBS television show next month. In a related story Anna Kournikova will make her debut as a tennis player later this month. -Conan O'Brien

The tabloid, "The Globe" is reporting that Vin Diesel has a huge crush on Anna Nicole Smith, which makes sense. A guy named Diesel attracted to a woman as big as a truck. I can see that! -Jay Leno

I'm going to start the show tonight with some happy news. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock announced that they are getting married next month. They plan to have a traditional white trash wedding. -Conan O'Brien

Winona Ryder was in court today. She showed up in a glamorous outfit. I guess she was trying to impress the judge by showing him that the shoes matched the receipt. -Conan O'Brien

Winona Ryder�s court date has been delayed again. Apparently this is all part of the Judge�s strategy to keep her locked up during the busy Christmas shopping season. -Jay Leno

Winona Ryder is claiming that she was studying for an upcoming movie role and wasn�t shoplifting � I believe the movie is called "The Winona Ryder Story�. -Conan O'Brien

Winona Ryder is on trial for shoplifting. Well now she says she wasn�t shoplifting, but she was just researching a role for an upcoming movie � I believe it�s called "Sach�s, Lies and Videotape�. -David Letterman

Kevin Costner is back home after having his appendix taken out. He is fine and everything went ok. But since it was Kevin Costner, the operation took four hours and cost $200 million! -Conan O'Brien

Martha Stewart is coming out with a new line of furniture. The set comes complete with bunk beds and a metal toilet. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

A survey asked people if they would consider having sex with somebody for money. 41% of the people asked said they would if the offer was large enough. The average woman said it had to be $100,000 � and the average man said, "I don�t know, how much do you have on you right now?� -Conan O'Brien

Did you hear the story of the six people with terrorist ties arrested in a Portland suburb? Do you remember the good old days when the only terrorists in the suburbs were Jehovah's Witnesses and Amway people? -Jay Leno

Over the weekend here in New York City the Museum of Sex opened up. It was reported that women were in the museum for hours while men were in and out in only a few minutes. -Conan O'Brien

Seventy percent of Americans don't get enough exercise. Can you believe that! When I heard that, I about fell out of the chair I was sitting in. -Jay Leno

That's the big health news right now � 64 percent of Americans are either overweight or obese. But we still have the best damn videogame players in the world! -Jay Leno

The movie "Red Dragon" is still number one at the box office, so as long as it's number one we have to do some Hannibal jokes.
What does Hannibal call someone from Wisconsin? A quarter-pounder with cheese!
What happens to Hannibal after eating Carl Lewis? He gets the runs.
What does Hannibal call Janet Reno? A Manwich!
Why won't Hannibal eat Britney Spears? Because he doesn't like artificial toppings.
Why won't Hannibal eat Jerry Seinfeld? Because he tastes funny.
What does Hannibal call the singer Meatloaf? Meatloaf!
What does Hannibal call Strom Thurmond? A stale cracker!
What does Hannibal call Ted Williams? A frozen dinner! -Jay Leno

Did you hear about that 29-year-old teacher in New York that gave birth to a child fathered by one of her students? You know who I feel sorry about � the substitute teacher. When she comes into class the kids will all be, like, "But Mrs. Harrington lets us have sex with her."-Jay Leno

Navy personnel have been using government credit cards at brothels in Nevada. See this is how far the military has come since the 60�s � now they can make love and war at the same time.-Jay Leno

The Navy has been using government credit cards on prostitutes. Well I guess it�s true � it�s not just a job, it�s an adventure!-David Letterman

It�s Columbus Day and every year that same old debate is brought up, who discovered America first? Christopher Columbus or Leaf Erickson? This is the dumbest argument. Who discovered America first � since both of them had people waiting for them that already lived here when they landed.-Jay Leno

There was a scare here over the weekend. A bomb was discovered in a movie theater here in Los Angeles � it was Madonna�s "Swept Away�. -Jay Leno

Madonna's upcoming movie, "Swept Away," is being called the worst movie of the year by many critics. So today, if you saw someone doing a somersault down Hollywood Boulevard � it was the producer of "Pluto Nash."-Craig Kilborn

The movie "Swept Away"" starring Madonna had the worst opening week of any major movie in the last eight years last week. The movie did so bad that Kevin Costner has asked for the rights to the sequel. -Conan O'Brien

The new Madonna film "Swept Away� made only $375,000 over the weekend. The low box office turnout was attributed to strong word of mouth.-Conan O'Brien

Folks, it has happened again. But a pilot was removed from Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!-Jay Leno

It has happened again. This time, a Continental Airlines pilot pulled off a flight moments before he was about to take off because he was drunk. Authorities say they first became suspicious when the pilot was sitting in a coach seat and yelled, "Somebody stole the control panel!� -Jay Leno

Just in time for Christmas: Time-Life has just come out with a three-video set called "The Best of Beavis and Butthead." This is Time-Life. It's for people with too much time and don't have a life.-Jay Leno

And finally, Australian scientists have discovered that lemon juice can be used as a contraceptive. Here's how it works - when a guy makes a move on you, you squirt it in his eye. -Jay Leno

Toyota is testing a device that will critique your driving while you drive. Don't we already have that? I think it's called a spouse.-Jay Leno

The Vatican has taken a stance against zero tolerance policies for sexual misconduct. So now it�s like golf, you get a mulligan.-Jay Leno

In a study it was found that 90% of people lie in job interviews. 90%! The other 10% don�t get the job.-Craig Kilborn

Scientists say they have found the burial box of Jesus' younger brother James. That's got to be a lot of pressure, don't you think? Jesus' younger brother? I mean, what are those family holiday letters like? "Dear friends, our oldest boy Jesus, as you know, is our Lord and Savior, out youngest boy James is still at home attending Bethlehem Community College.�-Jay Leno

In a nationwide study it was found that students between the ages of 17 and 20 score the lowest on tests than any other age group. In a related story - "Jackass" is the number one movie in the country! -Craig Kilborn

Robbery is up, murder is up, prostitution is up � I tell you New York City is back!-David Letterman

Did you see the 200 Haitian�s jump overboard and swim to shore in Florida the other day? They jumped overboard and then swam ashore and ran off, one of them even grabbed a bike and rode off � apparently it was like some sort of triathlon. The winner gets to stay! -Jay Leno

200 immigrants running down the street � or as we call that here in L.A., a slow day!-Jay Leno

My question is if they are trying to escape a third-world country that doesn�t have free elections, why did they choose to show up in Florida? -Jay Leno

Are you following that boatload of Haitian immigrants story in Florida? 200 Haitian immigrants jumped into the water and swam to shore just to get here. Pretty inspiring. That�s just what Florida needs, 200 more people that don�t know how to vote.-Jay Leno

The FBI has apprehended most of the immigrants and they�ll probably be deported. There are three things you must have to stay here if you�re a Haitian � a fastball, a curveball and a slider. -Jay Leno

Next Tuesday voters here in L.A. will decide if the San Fernando Valley will separate from the city. What is it with it here? Even cities get divorced here! -Jay Leno

A man in Indiana was arrested for having sex with a chicken in a hotel. Now my question is, how messy is your apartment if you have to take the chicken to a hotel? You know who I feel bad for � the guy�s girlfriend, how does she feel?! -Jay Leno

Halloween is different here in Beverly Hills. People here don�t carve their jack-o-lanterns. Instead they say, "My pumpkin had a little work done to it.� -Jay Leno It�s Halloween! today I saw one of those scenes you only see in New York. There was a kid carving a jack-o-lantern and after he finished he wiped the fingerprints off the knife. -David Letterman

Sports

Anna Kournikova has pulled out of the Kremlin Cup due to an ankle injury. The organizers of the event say they are now unsure of who will finish last in the tournament.-Craig Kilborn

Scientists now say they have discovered a breed of tiger they didn't know existed before. The newly discovered breed of tiger has no sharp teeth or claws, no way of protecting itself � it's called the "Cincinnati Bengal Tiger." -Jay Leno

It's October. Autumn time here in New York and you can tell. People are now replacing their "Mets suck" bumper stickers with "Jets suck" bumper stickers. -David Letterman

We have an all California World Series! The Angels represent the American League and the Giants represent the National League � and the Dodgers represent the concession stand.-Jay Leno

The Anaheim Angels are going to the World Series! My question is, if the Angels win the World Series, do they still go to Disneyland? Hey we won the World Series we�re going across the street! -Jay Leno

Fans in Anaheim are so new to something like this they are taking lessons on how to riot.-Jay Leno

The great thing about when the Angels win is when they go to Disneyland, it's only two miles away. Which in L.A. is what? An hour and a half drive? -Jay Leno

Did you all remember to turn your clocks back? I bet the Giants would like to turn their clocks back one week! -Jay Leno