War On Terror

Tom Ridge says that he doesn�t favor airline pilots carrying guns on board airplanes. He went on to say that if pilots want to carry guns they�ll have to sneak them on board through security just like everyone else does.-Jay Leno

More bad news for airports � 32 airports were tested for security and failed because they missed screening things like knives. Looks like it's safe to fly again - if you're a terrorist!-Jay Leno

Tom Ridge has announced a new color code system to keep Americans informed of danger in the country. Sounds like a good idea. The highest warning is red, which means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick.-Conan O'Brien

The latest from Afghanistan is that the armed forces believe that al-Qaeda may have been tipped off about Operation Anaconda. That or they heard about it on CNN!-Jay Leno

Down in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, we are sending the Taliban prisoners reading glasses and hot tea. Reading glasses and hot tea? Who are we holding there, Angela Lansbury? -Jay Leno

I�m sure you�re following the story of the dead terrorists now getting their visas approved. It took so long because the INS was busy performing a thorough background check. -Jay Leno

They found the men responsible for the mistake at the INS � they are now going to work in airport security. -Jay Leno

It's looking more and more like the U.S. will be going to war with Iraq. Things are getting serious � just today President Bush deployed 5,000 CNN cameramen.-Craig Kilborn

A huge earthquake hit Afghanistan the other day. My question is, how do you tell?-Jay Leno

What do we know about Afghanistan? There�s an earthquake almost every day, people are out in the streets with guns, and everyone speaks a different language � so it�s like living in L.A.! -Jay Leno

Politics

You know who I feel bad for? The guy that ran against Condit. How bad would that be if he would have lost to him? If you can't beat Gary Condit, what does that say about you? Forget politics, give up on life then!-Jay Leno

By now you've heard about that. There's a shadow government ready in case our government fails. We're in a recession, half of Congress is having affairs, the other half is making deals under the table, and all these people are on welfare � what's the shadow government waiting for?-Jay Leno

Tom Ridge has announced that there will be a fast lane between the United States and Mexico � if you have 12 people or less in your trunk you'll get through faster.-Jay Leno

Special Prosecutor Robert Ray released his independent report and � I'm not making this up � he concluded in his report that Bill Clinton lied about his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Ray has moved on to a new case and he thinks, it's still early, but he thinks that there might be some problems with the books at Enron.-Jay Leno

Looks like Al Gore is going to make a run at it again. He's gotten fat and huge, like a balloon, and he has this beard. Well, he's shaved the beard off because he thinks he might have better political success without it. He could be right � it's working for Janet Reno. -David Letterman

A new survey is out and found that 62 percent of Americans like Al Gore better without his beard. Another 92 percent of Americans like the beard without Al Gore. -Conan O'Brien

Sixty percent of Americans think Al Gore looks better without his beard. The figures could change, though � we�re still waiting on the results from Florida. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush was in South America. Today he was in El Salvador and he made sure that everyone knew that he knew that means ... "The Salvador.� -David Letterman

Enron Scandal

It has come out that Ken Lay, the former Enron CEO, still owns nine houses worth over $20 million � and that excludes the House of Representatives, which he bought last year.-Jay Leno

The University of Oregon is going to offer a class on the rise and fall of Enron. It's going to be pretty realistic, too � students will get more credit if they cheat on the test. -Jay Leno

Playboy magazine is going to do an edition featuring the women of Enron. I guess the only thing for some of these women left to shred is their dignity.-Jay Leno

Celebrity Boxing

Paula Jones is going to box Tonya Harding on a Fox special. I'm glad Paula Jones is doing it. If nothing will make people take her seriously � this will!-Jay Leno

In sports news, Tonya Harding will be boxing Paula Jones next week on the Fox network. Is there enough makeup in the world to have these two on TV at the same time?-Jay Leno

Next week the Fox network will feature its new show "Celebrity Boxing� with matches featuring Tonya Harding, Paula Jones, Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges. My question is � where are the celebrities? -Jay Leno

Wednesday night is the big fight, Tonya Harding and Paula Jones on Fox. Fox is calling the fight the "Battle of the bottom of the barrel!"-Jay Leno

The Fox network is going to air a boxing match between Tonya Harding and Amy Fischer next month. How do you think this makes Mike Tyson feel? They can get a license and he can�t. -Jay Leno

Did you all watch the celebrity boxing on Fox last night? Was I the only one that was upset, asking, "Where are the celebrities?� -Jay Leno

Tonya Harding beat Paula Jones in the main event; she used her "rope a ho� strategy.-Jay Leno

Did you see the headgear Paula Jones was wearing? That wasn�t to protect them, it was to protect us from seeing them! -Jay Leno

Vanilla Ice got beat by Todd Bridges in one of the fights. I guess he should change his name to "Crushed Ice� now. -Jay Leno

Todd Bridges won his fight with Vanilla Ice. I was happy to see Todd win. It was nice to see him holding his hands in the air without the police involved.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Stevie Wonder was putting on a concert in Washington, D.C., at an event where President Bush was in attendance. This is true. During the show, President Bush started waving to get Stevie�s attention. Later on, after the show, President Bush said, "Oh I�m sorry, I thought he was Ray Charles."-Conan O'Brien

Rapper Snoop Dog ... wait, of course it's the rapper, as opposed to Snoop Dog the accountant. Snoop Dog was arrested after police pulled his tour bus over and found six bags of marijuana inside. It was no surprise, then, that Snoop Dog used his one phone call to call Domino's. -Conan O'Brien

Daryl Strawberry was arrested again! He broke his probation and was arrested in the drug rehab center he was at. How bad is that when you get arrested at the drug rehab center?-Jay Leno

Madonna is being blackmailed by someone claiming to have shocking photos of her. Shocking photos of Madonna? What are those � pictures of her sleeping with her husband? -Craig Kilborn

John Wayne Bobbitt is in the news again � he remarried! He�s the only man in America that is married and separated at the same time.-Jay Leno

He got married in Vegas � he fainted, though, when his wife reached for a knife to cut the cake.-Jay Leno

John Wayne Bobbitt got married on Saturday. He says the best part about marriage is waking up together � and he�s just talking about himself!-Jay Leno

Former Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry got in trouble this week after a mysterious white powder was found in his car. Mysterious? I think the only thing mysterious is using the word mysterious in this story.-Craig Kilborn

Popular Culture

New York City is in a lettuce shortage! Lettuce is now like $4 per head! Right now it�s the most expensive head in the city. -David Letterman

Last night in New York, the new Hip-Hop Hall of Fame was opened up. All the rap stars that could make bail attended!-Jay Leno

Scientists have invented a new plastic that can repair itself when heated. So if the plastic gets a crack in it, you just put it in the microwave and it repairs itself. You know what this means - it means Cher could live forever!-Jay Leno

Scientists now believe that in the future we will be able to make houses out of Styrofoam. The best feature about these homes will be that your coffee will never get cold.-Jay Leno

A new scientific discovery in the news. The color of the universe is no longer turquoise, as first thought. Scientists now say the color of the universe is beige. However, the universe sometimes wears dark to hide the fact it is expanding. -Conan O'Brien

There is new research that found that drunk monkeys act similar to drunk people � except people don't crap in their hands and throw it at bartenders.-Conan O'Brien

The first successful uterus transplant was made in Saudi Arabia this week. I didn't realize Saudi Arabia was that advanced � of course the woman that donated the uterus was stoned to death for driving a car.-Jay Leno

Thirty-eight students at the University of Virginia have left the school after being accused of plagiarism of some science reports. The ironic thing was that the papers were on cloning. -Jay Leno

The Chinese have claimed they have cloned a human being. How can this be � they can clone a human being but can't create a take-out container that doesn�t leak?-Craig Kilborn

The big tobacco companies have been smuggling cigarettes into Iraq. Where is the patriotism? They�re supposed to be killing Americans!-Jay Leno

The ratings for the Grammys are in ... they weren�t good. Ratings were down. I thought the first six hours of the Grammys were OK.-Jay Leno

A high school kid in Mississippi is in trouble with the law for skipping school to go rob a bank. As his punishment, he has to go one week without having sex with his teacher.-Jay Leno

In astronomy news, scientists have discovered a cluster of thousands of burned-out stars � turned out it was just Liza Minnelli's wedding. -Jay Leno

Ninety-seven percent of men say that their lover is also their best friend. This is disturbing, because I always thought that man's best friend is his dog.-Jay Leno

In Wisconsin, two Amish men were arrested for breaking into area homes. They never stole anything, they were just breaking in to watch TV and use the toaster.-Conan O'Brien

Things are getting intense in the world. India and Pakistan almost went to war today, they were very close. What happened was two cabs collided on 34th Street.-Craig Kilborn

In North Dakota 1,800 people got together for a world record of the most snow angels done at one time. To make this official, they had to get the name, address and phone number of every person that was involved. I love this. There are terrorists in this country making a living and training and plotting, we send visas to dead terrorists six months after they die. We can�t find terrorists here, but we know the name of every person that made a snow angel in North Dakota! -Jay Leno

In Japan the oldest man alive celebrated his 113th birthday! This was good news for everyone except those that had to watch him eat cake.-Conan O'Brien

Parents of teenagers in Pennsylvania and Florida are upset because school districts are sending home letters saying that their children are too fat. I guess the teachers are upset because the children are too unattractive to have sex with.-Jay Leno

Home Depot is going to start the first of its new line of stores in Brooklyn. These new stores are smaller. I think we used to have these before Home Depot put them out of business. They were called hardware stores.-Jay Leno

Soon it'll be April 15! It's tax time. One good thing about tax time for New Yorkers, the hookers in Times Square, God bless them, right now during tax season, for an extra $50 they'll handle your extension.-David Letterman

The Academy Awards

The Academy Awards were last night! It was long, lasted four and half hours! In fact, it was so long, at the end they showed a special tribute to all the actors that died during the show. -Jay Leno

It was a great night for African-Americans! It was sort of like an NBA game � lots of black winners and an all-white audience.-Jay Leno

The success of African-Americans last night at the Academy Awards goes to show just how far we've come, and experts are now predicting that in our lifetime there will be a black person on the show "Friends." A black person living in New York � who would have thought it? -Jay Leno

Even Michael Jackson is thinking about being black again.-Jay Leno

Award for best visual effects went to the crew that worked on Joan Rivers.-Jay Leno

Did you see the Oscars last night? "A Beautiful Mind� won Best Picture, it was a big hit. The sequel is already in the works - it's going to be called "A Healthy Colon." -David Letterman

The air time was four hours and 23 minutes � which is longer than the air time of any of the Seinfeld spin-offs.-Craig Kilborn

The ratings for the Oscars are in. It was the lowest ratings for the Oscars ever! The first seven hours were good. It was somewhere between the 10th and 12th hours that people lost interest.-Jay Leno

Congratulations to Ron Howard for winning an Oscar for directing "A Beautiful Mind." I was amazed, I was reading something about Howard the other day � did you know he started his show-biz career at age 3? Just think of how successful he would have been if he hadn�t wasted those first three years � you know, trying to find himself and in rehab and all.-Jay Leno

Sports

Hey, do you know what you don't say to Jayson Williams before getting in a limo? Don't call for shotgun!-Jay Leno

Michael Jordan is out for five games while he gets knee surgery. Today all his teammates went to the hospital to see him. All the Wizards were there at the bed standing around him � kind of like when they play.-Jay Leno

It's about time for baseball, the teams are back on the field and Daryl Strawberry is back in jail � yup, about that time again.-Jay Leno

The New York Yankees are the most valuable team in all of sports in the world. The Yankees are reportedly worth $749 million. In other words, the price of two hotdogs and a beer. -Conan O'Brien

The NCAA basketball tournament is going on! There is nothing better than that. They start with a field of 65 squads and end up with 4 � sort of like the Taliban! -David Letterman