War On Terror

More is out on spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. In Time magazine they say he inherited $80 million at age 13. Then he got up to $300 million through construction, smart investments and oil and gas investments. See, he can use this money in his war on capitalism.-Jay Leno

They say Osama bin Laden is the richest member of the Taliban living in Afghanistan. That says a lot about your country when the richest man is living in a cave. I hear he has a summer cave he vacations to, though. -Jay Leno

The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to leave Afghanistan. They gave him a note asking him to leave. That's quite the trick, considering they don't know where he is.-Jay Leno

I was watching this one spokesman for the Taliban on CNN, this blind sheik � and he says he has no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Well, duh, he's a blind sheik. Why don't we ask the deaf guy if he's heard something?-Jay Leno

The Taliban says that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. It couldn't hurt! -Jay Leno

On ABC News they reported that bin Laden says he is prepared to die. Well, that's some good news! We want to kill him � finally, some common ground we can work on! -Jay Leno

Members of the Taliban are in hiding and are complaining that they are being persecuted. So, they're getting to know what it feels like to be a woman in their country. -Jay Leno

Reuters says that we should stop referring to them as terrorists, because in the minds of these people they are freedom fighters. Shut up! In the mind of a shark, I'm lunch � that still makes it a shark! -Jay Leno

You know something, here's a story that kind of bothers me. Reuters news service and CNN are telling their reporters they can no longer refer to bin Laden and his people as "terrorists" because in their minds they are freedom fighters. They have to use the term "alleged hijacker." This is according to their spokesman � an "alleged idiot"! -Jay Leno

Explain this to me. If you live there, men have to have a beard, you can't laugh in public, there's no TV, there's no radio, women have no rights. What freedom are they fighting for?-Jay Leno

Post 9/11

You know what's interesting? Health experts say that because of events of the past week, millions of Americans are now having trouble sleeping. This is why Al Gore could help. Maybe he could give a speech.-Jay Leno

We've done our share of Bush jokes, God knows, but people rise to the occasion. I thought it was great, a great speech. In fact, his speech was so good, afterwards Al Gore called Florida and said, "All right, stop counting."-Jay Leno

The speech was so good, last night in Philadelphia, of all places � you know the sports fans in Philadelphia � I don't remember this ever happening in sports. In the middle of the Rangers and Flyers hockey game they stopped play to watch the president's speech. He was on the big screen. The fans, not the team. The fans stopped it so they could watch the president's speech. When it was over, they just decided to end the game. Today the Washington Redskins' fans demanded they rebroadcast the speech on Sunday so they can cancel that game! -Jay Leno

I especially liked the part where he said even though we're in difficult times, he wants tolerance to people of all religions and then right after that, Jerry Falwell got up and gave the two-minute rebuttal.-Jay Leno

It's autumn. The leaves are turning brown and falling. Today Jerry Falwell blamed it on gays and lesbians.-Jay Leno

I tell you, people are a lot more cautious, too. To give you an idea how tight security is here at NBC, when Pamela Anderson came here tonight, 50 Burbank Police had to pat her down just to be on the safe side! -Jay Leno

The airlines have now done away with meal service on a lot of flights. They're doing everything to get people to fly again! -Jay Leno

President Bush has called for air marshals to be on every flight in the United States. That's a good idea. That has to be a tough job, though. Every day the lunch is bad, you see the same bad movie for a whole month, and every day they lose your luggage. -Jay Leno

I feel bad for the Arabs that have to travel. We don't want to admit it, but there is racial profiling. If you're a guy named Mohammad and your last name is not Ali � expect to have a little extra time at the airport. -Jay Leno

This is hard when you can't make fun of the politicians anymore.-Jay Leno

Well, we can't do Bush jokes anymore � he's smart now! -Jay Leno

The latest polls say that President Bush has the highest approval ratings of any president ever. His ratings are so high that voters in Palm Beach are now claiming they voted for him. -Jay Leno

President Bush has a 90 percent approval rating � the highest of any president ever! In fact, his rating is so high that if he ran for president today, he'd actually get elected! -Jay Leno

People in the city have never been nicer. It's strange. Last night at Shea Stadium the fans weren't yelling "You suck!" at the Braves but instead were yelling, "Others are better than you!"-Conan O'Brien

New Yorkers are showing their patriotism. Like today my cabbie gave me the finger and it had an American flag attached to it.-Conan O'Brien

Everyone is helping out, too. Like today I saw a store clerk help a shoplifter get her packages to the car. -David Letterman

Gridlock is still a problem, though, with all the problems in the city. Traffic is bad. Domino's Pizza announced a new deal � if your pizza is more than three days late, you get it for free.-David Letterman

To cut down on the gridlock the mayor has asked everyone to carpool. Today I saw something that was sneaky, something just no good. I saw a man driving and in the passenger seat he had a cardboard cutout of Al Gore. I thought, that is just no good, that's cheating. Then I pulled up and, well � it was Al Gore. -David Letterman

Today is Primary Day here in New York. All the candidates on the ballot have changed their names to Rudy Giuliani. -Conan O'Brien

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in office an extra three months. And today Clinton said, "You can do that?! Why I didn't know that?!"-Jay Leno

Politics

Gary Condit had a barbecue today � then the cops spent two hours grilling him. -David Letterman

Gary Condit's father says that the devil is the reason for his son's behavior. Today Satan came out and denied the accusation and called Condit a slimeball. The devil wants no part of it.-Conan O'Brien

Gary Condit's father is speaking out. He says that the reason for his son's troubles are due to the devil. He's blaming Satan for his son's behavior. The weird part is that Satan is now missing. -David Letterman

President Bush spent Labor Day giving a speech to the Teamsters in Detroit. You know, he really is dyslexic. He's the only guy I know who takes a month of vacation, then works on Labor Day.-Jay Leno

President Bush made a surprise move today � he showed up for work!-Jay Leno

Today is Friday, September 7th. That means President Bush should be getting ready for another 30-day weekend. -David Letterman

The budget surplus is about gone. If the government doesn't make drastic budget cuts in the next few weeks, then the government will shut down on September 30. If this happens, all non-essential government employees won't be working. So even more vacation time for President Bush!-Jay Leno

The crime rate in Central Park has dropped by 74 percent! It must be the mayor's harsh $50 fine for murder that's doing it.-David Letterman

President Bush met this week with Mexican President Vicente Fox. Fox says he wants to tear down the fence on the border between the United States and Mexico. Fence? What fence?! When did they put that up � Saturday?!-Jay Leno

President Bush has called an emergency economic summit to deal with this recession. Bush said he's really worried about job loss � yeah, his own.-Jay Leno

Elizabeth Dole will run for Senate from South Carolina. When asked about it, her husband Bob said he was so excited he didn't need one of his little blue pills.-Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Over the weekend Anne Heche got married to her boyfriend. There was one awkward moment, though, when the priest said, "Do you take this woman" and Anne yelled, "Yes!"-Conan O'Brien

Eminem will perform with Michael Jackson at the upcoming concert. So we have a white guy that thinks he's black and a black guy that looks white. Between the two of them we could get one black guy � maybe!-Jay Leno

The Jackson Five will release a new album. It's called "Help Us Out � We Need Money Again!"-Conan O'Brien

Anne Heche is pregnant. She's already decided on names - if it's a girl it'll be called Janet - if it's a boy it'll be called Reno.-Jay Leno

Hugh Hefner in the news. Hugh says that his nine 11-year-old sons come over to visit him often. They're coming over a lot now � just wait until they're teenagers! Hey, let's go over to Dad's place!-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Tonight NBC debuted its newest reality show, "Lost." "Lost" has six teams of two people, and they drop them off around the world and the first team to make it back to the Statue of Liberty is the winner. I think my grandparents played this game � it's called immigration! -Jay Leno

This is a big night for TV. The show "Lost" makes its debut on NBC tonight. The contestants are blindfolded and dropped off in an undisclosed location. So it's sort of like a date with Gary Condit.-David Letterman

They are going to come out with an animated version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Is that possible � can you make Regis any more animated? -Jay Leno

Did you see that show on Fox the other night? The "Who Wants to Be a Princess?" show? How creepy was that? Wasn't that the name of the Richard Simmons biography? -Jay Leno

Today is a big day in TV history. On this day 39 years ago the "Beverly Hillbillies" aired for the first time right here on CBS. That was 39 years ago. They took a little break, then in 1992 they moved into the White House for eight years. -David Letterman

Have you gone to see the movie "Glitter" yet? It's supposed to be the blockbuster of the fall. Well, it's fall - so it should be at Blockbuster at any minute now.-Jay Leno

This is Labor Day, the day when everyone in New York takes off. I even saw a guy take off in another guy's Lexus. -David Letterman

You all have a nice Labor Day yesterday? I guess everybody did. As you know, Labor Day is the day when we honor hard-working people in America. So let's take a moment to thank all those people by saying, "Gracias, amigos!"-Jay Leno

Scientists have invented the computer chip called the nanotubule that is 100,000 times thinner than human hair. In fact, it was made by the same machine that slices the roast beef at Arby's. -Jay Leno

Researchers at Texas A&M University have cloned a litter of pigs. This is amazing, because one pig can go to the market, one pig can stay at home, one pig can have roast beef, one pig can have none and one pig can go wee-wee-wee all the way home. -Jay Leno

A high school football player in New York is in trouble because of a party he held that had alcohol, marijuana and a stripper, while his parents were even there! Just think how awesome the party would have been without the parents there! -Jay Leno

Did you all feel the earthquake yesterday? Or, as we call it in L.A., "Survivor � The Home Game." -Jay Leno

I saw somewhere that scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert � but isn't that called a horse?-Jay Leno

This week's most indulgent parent award goes to a London mother. This woman traveled 900 miles by plane, and then another 100 and something miles by taxi, to deliver her son's Gameboy to him when the kid forgot to bring it with him on a class trip. Nice to see parents teaching their kids what's important in life! -Jay Leno

McDonald's said today they have new rules for companies that supply them eggs. They now say that they want to make sure chickens have at least 72 square inches of space to themselves. Space to themselves? Chickens? Have you ever tried to sit at one of those little tables at McDonald's? How about 72 square inches for me? What are we in, third grade?-Jay Leno

According to a new study on what to never say to your mate, they say the number one thing you should never say to a man, you know what that is? "You're just like your father." Women, they say that's the worst thing you can say to a guy, especially if you say it in bed.-Jay Leno

In Virginia an 80-year-old man was arrested for having sex with a cow. In a related story, milk prices are at an all-time low. -Conan O'Brien

Sports

This week Little League pitcher Danny Almonte started third grade. He should do well � he's 35!-David Letterman

On Sunday President Bush will do the coin toss to start the NFL season. He will be using the same coin that was used to determine the winner of the presidential election. -Conan O'Brien

Good news � the NFL says it will resume play next week. That's bad news for the Cleveland Browns.-Jay Leno

They say the Redskins could be the worst team in the NFL. The NFL? They could be the worst team in the XFL! -Jay Leno

Michael Jordan may return to basketball. The other NBA players are jealous because they are afraid he will hog all the lap dances. -Craig Kilborn

Michael Jordan says he's coming back to the sport he loves. Let's hope that's not baseball!-Jay Leno

Lots of experts aren't sure if Michael will be able to play like he once did � he hasn't played basketball since '98. But on the other hand, neither have the Wizards. -Jay Leno

Michael Jordan is coming back to the NBA! He's going to play for the Washington Wizards. Aren't those the guys that lose to the Globetrotters every week?-Jay Leno

Michael Jordan is making a comeback. He'll play for the Wizards. This has all the Wizards fans asking the same question � what's a comeback? -Craig Kilborn

In sports news, the International Olympic Committee has approved women's wrestling as a sport for the 2004 Olympics. The women will be wrestling in two divisions � jello and mud.-Jay Leno