The Bush Girls

Jenna "Anheuser" Bush is trying to get her lawyer to strike a plea bargin. If she doesn't get the plea bargin, she could lose her license. Well, no problem, she has plenty of those!-Jay Leno

The Bush daughters are actually switching party affiliation ... to the Kennedys!-David Letterman

Here's the difference between the Clintons and the Bushes. When the Clintons are referring to a cold one, they're talking about Hillary.-Jay Leno

The Bush family got together this weekend in Texas. They all went to see "Pearl Harbor" together. What a change -- for once the Bushes were watching someone else get bombed! -Jay Leno

President Bush is out of the country. This is his first trip to Europe since becoming president. His twin daughters were going to go with him but then decided to wait until Oktoberfest.-Conan O'Brien

Happy Birthday today to former president George Bush. He turned 77 today! You remember George Bush � he's the sober one in the family. -Jay Leno

Former president Bush, Bush Senior, has invited Boris Yeltsin to his home. This is all part of the new Bush startegy � hang out with people that drink more than you, to make you look better.-Jay Leno

Capitol Hill may cut the nationwide tax on beer! Cut it in half. Today when the Bush daughters heard the news they were cheering, "Yeah, Dad rules!"-Jay Leno

Bush's Environmental Policies

George W. Bush has been giving pro-environment speeches. He was in Florida the other day in the Everglades giving one. One embarrassing part happened during the speech when a bunch of Gore ballots floated by! -David Letterman

President Bush called the Everglades a beautiful piece of heaven. You know what that means -- they're gonna drill! -David Letterman

For the second time this week George W. Bush has given a speech on the environment. He's the environmental president now. He's announced a new environmental plan -- he's going to recycle all his daughters' beer bottles.-Conan O'Brien

While in Europe George W. Bush will be discussing global warming � or as he calls it, summer!-Jay Leno

President Bush is in Europe this week. He's been getting pelted with questions about the environment. One person asked him what he would think if he was jogging in a polluted city. Bush of course said he's be thinking, right, left, right, left. -Jay Leno

Did you all see the solar eclipse last week in Africa? They showed clips of it on film in the news. The moon blocked out the sun. President Bush saw it and said, "See, we can't count on solar power!" -Jay Leno

Politics

President Bush is on his European tour. Yesterday he was in Spain, or as he calls it, the capital of Mexico! -Jay Leno

There is a bad case of foot and mouth disease in Europe � but enough about Bush already! -Jay Leno

Congress is about to pass an education bill. The president is expected to sign it. The bill is interesting � it calls for not letting marginal students slip through the cracks and go on to become, you know, president. -Jay Leno

Big news from Washington. Next month George W. Bush will attend the G-8 Economic Summit. When his staff first told him about the G-8 Summit, George W. yelled, "Bingo!" -Conan O'Brien

In Newsweek magazine President Bush was stunned at the number of nukes the United States has. Well, President Bush was also stunned when he found out the number of raisins in Raisin Bran: "You mean there are two scoops?!" -Jay Leno

President Bush met with the prime minister of Israel. There was one awkward moment when President Bush said, "Wait, if you're Jewish, how can you be a minister?"-Conan O'Brien

President Bush is in trouble. His approval rating has never been lower. Bush says that he hasn't seen numbers this low since he took his SATs. -Conan O'Brien

According to the latest poll, 53 percent of Americans approve of the way George Bush is running the country. The other 47 percent said, "You can't fool me � we know Bush isn't really running the country." -Jay Leno

FBI Deputy Director Tom Pickard has been named acting director of the FBI until a permanent replacement can be chosen. This came as a complete surprise to everybody except of course the Russians, who knew two weeks ago. -Jay Leno

Actually, Bush had a couple of other candidates in mind and then Dick Cheney had to tell him that Mulder and Scully weren't really FBI agents. -Jay Leno

President Bush is still working to get the government to give religious organizations money. He says there is no reason why government and religion can't work together. It worked so well in Iran. -Jay Leno

In an article in Vanity Fair magazine, it says that former President Clinton and Vice President Al Gore have not talked since the Bush inauguration. On another note, Hillary and Bill have not talked since the Nixon inaguration! -Conan O'Brien

Mayor Giuliani wants to divorce his wife and get married to his girlfriend before his term is up and he leaves the mansion. When Clinton heard this he said, "You can do that?!"-David Letterman

Today at the White House, President Bush hosted an event honoring Black Music History Month. He introduced Dick Cheney by his rap name, "Busta Artery!" -Jay Leno

Florida Governor Jeb Bush says he will run for re-election. He also said what the final vote counts will be.-Jay Leno

Jeb Bush says he will run for re-election in Florida even if his opponent is Janet Reno. In that case Jeb Bush says his campaign slogan will be "Let the best man win!"-Conan O'Brien

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris is considering running for Congress. She says that she knows she can win, "Especially if they let me count the votes!" -Conan O'Brien

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris is going to run for Congress. She is expected to make an announcement � not that she's running, but that she's already won! -Jay Leno

Today was Puerto Rican Day here in New York City. They had a big parade. This gave Hillary time off from pretending to be Jewish to pretend to be Puerto Rican.-David Letterman

It's times like this that make me proud that Hillary Clinton is our junior senator from New York. Right now she is pushing a bill to make cock fighting illegal. Finally � a politician listening to the concerns of the people! -David Letterman

Former president Clinton has been at the Belmont Stakes, the NBA Finals and the French Open in the past week. This is all part of his "anything to stay away from Hillary" tour!-Jay Leno

President Clinton has joined a YMCA here in New York. One day you're the leader of the free world, the next day you're just waiting for the fat guy to get off the treadmill. -David Letterman

Former president Clinton says he is going to write two books about his life. He is the only man in the world that has to write two different versions of his life. First there is the initial book, then comes the retraction.-Jay Leno

We might have Mayor Magic Johnson! Magic Johnson is considering running for mayor. Geez, I remember the old days when only actors and pro wrestlers were elected! -Jay Leno

Bob Dole is recovering in the hospital. He had surgery because of a bulge in a blood vessel. Apparently he took a bad Viagra pill and it went to the wrong place. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Ricky Martin says at his next concert he will perform in a leopard-skin thong. I guess this is all part of his plan to get rid of those rumors that he might be gay!-Conan O'Brien

Britney Spears' mother has hired a guy to make sure Britney stays a virgin when going out. I thought there was already a guy that did that -- Justin Timberlake! -Craig Kilborn

The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears is suffering from a bad case of acne. Her face has broken out. Lucky for her no one has looked at her face in over four years!-Conan O'Brien

Al Sharpton is in jail. He's now on a hunger strike. If he keeps it up, doctors say that at his current weight he will be dead in 40 years.-Jay Leno

The New York Post says that Tommy Lee and Pamela Lee might be reconciling, getting back together. I'll believe it when I see the video. -Jay Leno

The Star is reporting that Tonya Harding has gotten breast implants. I didn't know Wal-Mart sold breast implants! She is going to now try being a topless ice skater. Is this serious? A topless ice skater? She even gives white trash a bad name!-Jay Leno

Last week it was reported that Tonya Harding got breast implants. We owe her an apology. According to Sports Illustrated she got the implants two years ago. Wow, how sad is that when you get implants and it takes everyone two years to realize it? -Jay Leno

Forbes magazine has named Bill Gates the richest man in the world. Here's an idea of how rich he is: His poolboy is number four on the list! -Jay Leno

Rapper Nelly has filed a complaint with TWA Airlines. He says he was discriminated against because he is black. He says the flight was uncomfortable, the flight attendents were rude, and the service was terrible. Nelly, that's not discrimination, that's coach!-Jay Leno

Thirty-three-year-old rapper LL Cool J has received a Lifetime Achievement Award. Thirty-three. For being a rapper he just gets an award for reaching 33! I guess in rapper years 33 is like 75.-Jay Leno

Bozo the Clown has retired after 41 years! The actual Bozo retiring today was not the original. This was the son of Bozo, Bozo W. the Clown. -David Letterman

This means the only one left in show biz with the same color hair as Bozo is Pete Rose.-David Letterman

At a recent event in New York City, Joan Collins insisted she be paid in real animal furs. Apparently she is so old she'd forgotten we switched to currency long ago. -Jay Leno

We have a birthday today! New York City is 103 years old today! New York officially became a city back on this day in 1898. In 1966 it became an official hell-hole! -David Letterman

Jennifer Aniston says she waited nine months before she and Brad Pitt slept together. She said she wanted to, but she had to wait in line. -Conan O'Brien

O.J. Simpson was refused a steak knife at a strip club where he was eating dinner. Lucky for O.J., he had his own. My question is who eats dinner at a strip club? -Jay Leno

Beach Boys founder Brian Wilson says that he has only surfed one time in his life. He says he's not a surfer. Next thing you're going to tell me is that Eminem isn't black! -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

7-Eleven stores are now going to sell stickless corndogs. A stickless corndog? Isn't the whole point of a corndog the stick? In fact the stick is actually the healthiest part -- it has all that fiber. What's next, a cupless soda? -Jay Leno

I saw on the news today they said someone has invented a device that eliminates the craving for chocolate. Wouldn't that be called a mirror? -Jay Leno

This just in -- "Town and Country" has been voted the worst film ever. But I hear that "Battlefield Earth" is demanding a recount! -Craig Kilborn

"Basic Instinct Two" doesn't look like it'll happen. But Sharon Stone is keeping her legs crossed! So there's still hope. -Jay Leno

This has been in the news all week. A man in Indiana was arrested for having sex with a chicken in a hotel. OK, my question is why a hotel? What, did the chicken get upset? "You never take me anywhere, everyday I'm always cooped up!"-Jay Leno

A man in Indiana is in trouble for having sex with a chicken. Now more problems for the man. The chicken has now laid an egg and is suing for child support.-Jay Leno

A jury has given three billion dollars to a man addicted to tobacco. The man's name is Richard Bocan. Bocan said that the cigarette warnings on the labels need to be changed from "This product may be harmful to your health" to "This product may be harmful to you, Mr. Richard Bocan!"-Conan O'Brien

The Mitsubishi Montero � you know, the big SUV � has come under fire by Consumer Reports. They say it has a tendancy to flip over. And the resale value, whew, will go through the roof for you now. To Mitusbishi�s credit, they said if your Montero does flip over, you can bring it back to the dealer and they will install, absolutely free, a dome light on the floor.-Jay Leno

Lots of flooding in Texas. It's so bad that a prisoner was electrocuted on the way to getting electrocuted today.-Jay Leno

A study says that pot smokers have a greater chance of having a heart attack. They also have a greater chance of eating two quarts of ice cream in their underwear!-Conan O'Brien

The gay pride parade in West Hollywood was the other day. Do you suppose that was confusing for Anne Heche? What did she do? Walk halfway through the parade and then turn around?-Jay Leno

For the first time ever the first rap and hip-hop summit was held. Everyone at the summit agreed on three things. One, they must be more responsible with their lyrics. Two, they need to be more active in political and social causes. And three, they agreed that Lil' Kim needs to put on more clothes! -Jay Leno

An alligator is on the loose in Central Park. They say the 'gator has a tough, thick hide and cold eyes. They've nicknamed the 'gator Hillary. -David Letterman

In a recent survey women say that they find humor to be the sexiest thing in a man. Yeah, right! Like you see anyone running from Brad Pitt to Carrot Top!-Jay Leno

A shocking story from Chile. A boy has been discovered who has been raised by dogs. Another shocking story: Here in L.A. a boy was discovered who was raised by both parents!-Craig Kilborn

Of course the heat is causing more blackouts here in California. You know who was hit the worst with these power outages? Restaurants. They suffer the most. Like today, over here at the McDonald's, the kids had to give the wrong change by hand.-Jay Leno

Here in L.A. wildlife workers are trying to find a mountain lion that is living in the thicket of some guy's backyard here in the valley. How tall is that guy's lawn if you can't find a mountain lion in it?-Jay Leno

The 32nd Gay Pride Parade was held yesterday. You know, it is the only parade here in the city that after it is done, the streets are cleaner! -David Letterman

New York state has become the first state to ban cell phones. But you can still shave, put on makeup, comb your hair, drink coffee and read a book while driving. -Jay Leno

New York has become the first state in the union to ban cell phones while driving in your car. Do we want that here? Here in California we can't even drive without shooting each other! -Jay Leno

Murder here in New York is down 13 percent! Instead of killing, rival mobs now sue each other. The only crime family left in New York is the Clintons! -David Letterman

Scientists are working to breed a cat that people are not allergic to. Who cares about that? Why don't we breed a cat that doesn't have a stuck-up attitude? -Craig Kilborn

The Fourth of July is next week! I love the Fourth. It combines two of Americans' favorite things � alcohol and explosives! -David Letterman

Sports

After the show tonight, hurry home � there's going to be a great episode of "E.R." on tonight. The doctors rush over to the Staples Center for an emergency to keep the Lakers from choking!-Jay Leno

L.A. has made a bid for the 2012 summer olympics. Sounds like L.A. has a good chance of getting it. I'd hate to see the games go to some Third World country with no electricity, a pollution problem and a shortage of police officers.-Jay Leno

Did you see the NBA Finals game four last night? The Lakers were so far ahead they put in the white guy! -Jay Leno

Welcome, Lakers fans! The Lakers won the NBA title on Friday night. After the game there were hundereds of guns going off. At first the LAPD thought it was rioting, but then they found out it was Robert Blake dating again. -Jay Leno

After the game the L.A. police reported that they did not make a single arrest. They took the same approach to this as they did the Robert Blake case!-Jay Leno

Big sports news! Cal Ripken Jr. is going to retire after this season. His last game will be in September at Yankee Stadium. As a tribute to Ripken's 21 years of playing, the Yankee fans will throw batteries at his head. -Conan O'Brien

Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant has purchased a 16,000-square-foot home in Orange County. The home is complete with a lake stocked with fish, bumper cars and a replica of a pirate ship. Isn't that Disneyland? -Jay Leno

Today was the NBA draft. The draft started around 7:30. That means in about four hours the white guys will start to get drafted. -Jay Leno

Yesterday the NBA draft was held. Six high schoolers were in the draft. One of them went to the Chicago Bulls. That just goes to show you kids � stay in school, go to college, otherwise you might end up in a dead-end job, like playing for the Bulls. -Jay Leno