War On Terror

The Taliban is going to give up Kandahar. Do you remember when they said they would fight to the death? They didn't fight to the weekend!-Jay Leno

Remember the Taliban promising they'd fight to the finish? They came through -- they're finished!-Jay Leno

The military is now trying to develop a special 30,000-pound bomb to drop in Afghanistan. Thirty thousand pounds! Does it really need to go off? Just drop it on the guy.-Jay Leno

Everyone is talking about rebuilding Afghanistan. Come on -- was it ever built in the first place?-Jay Leno

The latest news from Afghanistan: With the Taliban gone, the hottest item in stores is color TV sets. The most popular show there is "This Old Cave."-Conan O'Brien

The government also said today that they will fund millions to close down terrorist organizations. Yes! The IRS is finished! -Jay Leno

Osama now says that he'd rather have his sons shoot him instead of being captured. I believe his two sons are named Lyle and Eric bin Laden. -Jay Leno

Geraldo, as you know, is in Afghanistan covering the war. He has said that given the chance he would shoot Osama himself. Today Osama bin Laden said, "Hey, if I run into Geraldo, I will shoot my own self!"-Jay Leno

Geraldo is in Afghanistan. He's a little dramatic, though. He is carrying a gun and says he isn't afraid to use it. So he is now considered armed and annoying.-Jay Leno

Geraldo is busy reporting in Afghanistan. He has a video of a sniper bullet missing his head by an inch. Today the American government decided to help out and sent him a pair of elevator shoes. -Jay Leno

The latest report from Afghanistan by Geraldo: He says that Osama bin Laden is now in Pakistan. Which means that the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo. -Conan O'Brien

And even though Osama may have very well been out of the country a week ago, our forces continue to bomb Afghanistan. Our leaders have said that we will continue to bomb as long as Geraldo is still there. -Jay Leno

The Bush administration released the Osama bin Laden tape today. They have it for three days but then have to return it to the Kabul Blockbuster. -Jay Leno

Did you see that? (The Osama bin Laden tape) It was Osama bin Laden and a group of his buddies and they are having dinner at a popular place in Kandahar called Thank Allah It's Friday. But you see, this tape is complicated, because they had trouble translating what the waiter was saying.-David Letterman

It was interesting to see how he (Osama bin Laden) was on the tape. He opened by thanking everyone for coming, then he ended it with a Monica joke.-David Letterman

A new Osama bin Laden video tape has surfaced. In the video he looks much thinner. The new tape is called "Sweatin' With Osama."-Conan O'Brien

Friends of Osama bin Laden are said to have leaked information to the Christian Science Monitor that Osama bin Laden has left Afghanistan. Here's my question: Do you really think freinds of Osama bin Laden would be talking to the Christian Science Monitor?-Jay Leno

Mullah Omar is said to be hiding in a new cave and he is prepared to fight to the death. So, if you've been keeping score, this is the fourth time he has moved to a new location and is prepared to fight to the death.-David Letterman

The American Taliban

John Walker, an American fighting for the Taliban, has been captured. His parents were on TV today. You have to feel for them. But they said it could be worse, as least he's not playing for the Detroit Lions!-Jay Leno

We've spent like $30 million on this war and dropped these thousand-pound bombs -- and we've caught an American. -David Letterman

It's been reported that American John Walker who was captured while fighting for the Taliban had gone through a terrorist school -- or, as we call it here, pre-law.-Jay Leno

This California guy, John Walker, who went to fight for the Taliban, was captured last week. It's too bad, he had his heart set on becoming a suicide bomber.-David Letterman

More details are out on this Johnny Walker kid, the American who fought for the Taliban. Even the Afghan people say he was eccentric. That's when you know you're nuts, when people that live in caves tell you so.-Jay Leno

The lawyer for American Johnny Walker, who was captured fighting for the Taliban, now says that his client is not a fanatic but he joined the Taliban because where in America can you find 72 virgins?-Jay Leno

Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let's bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They'll know how to take care of him!-Jay Leno

Homeland Security

John Ashcroft is taking a lot of heat for these new strict laws of finding suspicious people. I think perhaps he has taken it a little too far, like today he locked up all the members from the band Foreigner.-Jay Leno

Have you seen the new Gyroscope Scooter? This thing is supposed to revolutionize the transportation industry. Hey, if you want to revolutionize transportation, how about a third X-ray machine at the airports for starters? -Jay Leno

The government is telling everyone to be on high alert and to report anything unusual. Hey, that's not so easy here in L.A.! -Jay Leno

Airports across the country are on a heightened state of security -- in case Geraldo decides to come back. -Jay Leno

Travelers all across the country are reported as being upset due to excessive pat-downs by security guards. In a related story, Richard Simmions says he now flies 5 to 7 times a day.-Conan O'Brien

With all the holiday mailing, the postal service is radiating every piece of mail. Everything goes through this radiation process. Today I got a shipment of Omaha steaks in the mail and they were well done.-David Letterman

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet.-David Letterman

Politics

The president's economic stimulus package is in the news. Isn't it refreshing to have it this way -- instead of the president in the news for his package being stimulated. It's a new time.-Jay Leno

In Little Rock, Arkansas, today the groundbreaking for The Clinton Presidential Library was held. This place is going to be something else, I guess -- I hear Clinton is staining the wood himself. -Jay Leno

Do you know why it's so easy to clone Hillary Clinton? Because the eggs are already frozen! -Jay Leno

The Fed cut interest rates again -- the 14th time this year! Apparently no one told Visa and American Express, though!-Jay Leno

The Navy is investigating its "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy. How can they investigate something that no one can ask or tell about? -Jay Leno

President Bush had four lesions removed from his face. The lesions were removed and taken to a secure location. Isn't it refreshing to see a president that has lesions above his waist for a change? -Jay Leno

In another seven days Santa will be just another out-of-work fat guy with a beard -- just like Al Gore.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

O.J. Simpson is back in the news again. Police searched his hosue today and found a few of those illegal satellite cards. Only in America that you can get away with murder, but if you steal HBO -- Watch out, we're coming!-Jay Leno

A promoter had O.J. Simpson make an appearance at a rap concert in Connecticut. But due to lack of interest, the event was canceled. The promoter doesn't know which was the worse mistake, hiring O.J. or thinking that there would be rap fans in Connecticut.-Conan O'Brien

Puff Daddy or P. Diddy, whatever you want to call him, is going to host a special ice-skating party for his friends. The party costs $100,000 to attend. Puff Daddy says he has never skated before -- well, not since the trial anyway.-Jay Leno

Puff Daddy is going to pay $100,000 to host an ice-skating party in New York for his closest friends. This will be the first time that a rapper is on ice and not actually dead.-Jay Leno

Sean/"Puff Daddy"/"P Diddy" Combs, whatever you call him, is going to marry the mother of his baby. I don't know, he's pushing things � this could rock the rap world.-Jay Leno

Ozzy Osbourne had a birthday today! He turned 53! Bless his heart, he's still going. But now, at his age, his wife has to cut the bat up into little pieces before he eats it. -Jay Leno

It's December 18! Christmas is next week already. As Winona Ryder would say, there's only six shoplifting days left until Christmas.-Conan O'Brien

Joan Collins has married a man that's 32 years younger than she is. But it works out � she likes children and he likes collecting antiques.-Jay Leno

Her fiance is 32 years younger than she is. For Christmas he got her a beautiful diamond medical alert bracelet. -Jay Leno

Kevin Costner has plans to open up his own restaurant. My question is can a restaurant go straight to video too? -Craig Kilborn

Popular Culture

Last week we had Harry Potter, this week the scooter comes out, and in two weeks "The Lord of the Rings" comes out. You know what this means? It could be the biggest two weeks in nerd history! -Jay Leno

Number one at the box office this weekend was "Lord of The Rings." It's made $94 million already. What's even more amazing is that the movie has had this success when no one that has gone to the movie has brought along a date.-Conan O'Brien

It's Christmas time! You know what people in Beverly Hills call the man who brings gifts once a year? Daddy! -Jay Leno

7-Eleven stores now have their own Christmas shopping aisle -- and you thought guys waited until the last minute before! The wife is going to love those red and green Slim Jims. -Jay Leno

Some of the new DVD players out can hold as many as five DVDs. Now, how lazy are you when you can't get up after a two-hour movie? -Jay Leno

The latest teacher-student sex affair is a 40-year-old teacher. She had sex with one of her sixth-grade students. The bad thing was that he was only having sex at a third-grade level.-Craig Kilborn

Here's a bizarre story. In Brazil, a man in a Santa suit opened fire on a woman, with a gun he hid in his suit. The man is considered armed and extremely jolly. -Jay Leno

McDonald's has come out with the new Spicy Ranchero Bagel. Who is this for? Jewish cowboys? Spanish rabbis? What, are they trying to throw every ethnic group together? -Jay Leno

The makers of Playboy magazine have announced that they will be offering a new service that lets you download images of centerfolds to your cell phone. The service is very useful if your phone is a hands-free one. -Conan O'Brien

Next year Playboy will have a service where you can download images of playmates to your cell phone. I won't even tell you what you can do with that star-69 feature.-Jay Leno

Sports

Good news for Michael Jordan -- his MRI came back and his right knee is OK. The bad news is that he has to go back to playing for the Wizards.-Jay Leno

You know the difference between U2 and the Detroit Lions? U2 will actually be playing at the Super Bowl! -Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney now considers the Detroit Lions' end zone a secure and undisclosed location.-Jay Leno

New York City has hired someone to drop the ball on New Year's Eve - the quarterback for the Detroit Lions! -Craig Kilborn

The Lions won a game! They beat the Vikings yesterday, and today I believe the Vikings are on suicide watch. -Jay Leno

I even bought a Lions watch. It takes 12 weeks before it'll work, but once it does it works real good. -Jay Leno

The Lions are getting cocky, though. They are saying that next year they are going to win another game. -Jay Leno

Dallas Cowboys lineman Nate Newton is in the news for having been caught with 175 pounds of marijuana in his possession. Now, last month he was caught with 213 pounds! How big is that bong?! -Jay Leno

By now you've heard about this. Notre Dame coach George O'Leary, now called "George O'Really, was fired for false information on his resume. He put down that he had played football for the University of New Hampshire. Here's my question: If you're going to lie on your resume, why not pick a good team like Miami, Nebraska or Oklahoma -- but New Hampshire?-Jay Leno

Notre Dame coach George O'Leary -- or, as we like to call him, O'Really - was fired after one week on the job for having false information on his resume. He still hasn't learned yet. He updated his resume and it says that he went undefeated as head coach at Notre Dame.-Jay Leno