Politics

President Bush is getting high marks for his speech the other night. Did you see it? Did you see when they cut to Hillary? She was barely clapping. Looked like she was just as enthused as when she was on her honeymoon with Bill.-Jay Leno

Good news for President Bush. His approval rating is at 67 percent! He hopes it goes higher, because if it hits 70 percent Dick Cheney promised to take him to the circus! -Jay Leno

Today marks the 100th day of the Bush presidency. I think this pretty much puts the nail in the coffin for the Gore campaign. -David Letterman

Both houses of Congress have pronounced Bush as the winner of the election. Hey, if this goes on any longer, it looks like he just might win this thing!-David Letterman

The National Enquirer has released a story that Denise Rich and Bill Clinton had an affair. I am shocked! How dare he cheat on his interns!-Jay Leno

Clinton is overweight out of office. He was trim in office because he spent all his time lying his ass off! -David Letterman

Bill and Hillary are going on a vacation to Jamaica. They need to spend some quality time together to get their stories right. This will be like a second honeymoon for Hillary, and for Bill it'll be like his 28th!-Jay Leno

Here's a creepy story. An Italian scientist wants to clone a human being within two years. You know what this means? Hillary Clinton could clone herself 50 times and take up residence in every state and run for office. We could end up with her being the only senator in Washington! -Jay Leno

Monica Lewinsky is back in the news! Seems she is teaming up with HBO to do a documentary on her affair with Bill Clinton. Well it's not really a documentary, it's more of an oral history.-Jay Leno

Today George W. Bush visited Florida for the first time since the election. He thanked all of the voters for being so dumb!-David Letterman

Dick Cheney told reporters today that he has a new outlook on life. He says the best part of waking up is ... waking up! I guess the docotors don't even put stitches in Cheney's chest anymore -- they now just use Velcro!-Jay Leno

Yesterday Senator Hillary Clinton lashed out at President Bush for breaking a campaign promise on carbon dioxide emmissions. She went on to say that this president has just about as much credibility as the last guy! -Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as senator from New York. She also introduced her first bill today. It calls for a mandatory death penalty for those that commit adultery! -Jay Leno

Yesterday the Supreme Court said that the future of affirmative action is in doubt. You know what that means? There won't be any more white guys in the NBA!-Jay Leno

Today George W. Bush came out against human cloning. Well, what better argument against human cloning than George W. Bush?! -Jay Leno

President Bush came out against human cloning yesterday. This is one area he and Clinton both agree on. Clinton believes that humans should be made the old-fashioned way, in cheap motels! -Jay Leno

The California Energy Crisis

George W. Bush says he isn't getting involved with the California energy crisis. He has what you call a faith-based energy policy. You pray that the next day your power won't go out!-Jay Leno

Some people say that the price of electricity in California could increase as much as 46 percent. That means that it'll be more expensive to watch the Dodgers on TV than to go to the game! -Jay Leno

Hey, any college kids here? Have you tried the new drink? The California Blackout! You drink it until you black out and then while you're out they jack the price of it up 46 percent!-Jay Leno

Today, they said, while the power was out 500 immigrants ran across the border in search of a better life. They were going from L.A. to Mexico.-Jay Leno

The California power outage is still going. Last night I was talking about California getting power from Mexico. I have a better idea. You know that hole in the border? Let's put in a revolving door and hook it up to a generator! Lights!-Jay Leno

The Economy

My stockbroker asked me something important today: Paper or plastic?-Jay Leno

The people making any money right now are the ones having sex with Jesse Jackson.-Jay Leno

The Dow Jones is on a roller coaster! It's just like Dick Cheney's EKG!-David Letterman

I hear the only market that is doing well is the Asian market. What are they talking about? Isn't that the place over on 56th and Broadway?-David Letterman

To give you an idea of how bad it was on Wall Street � yesterday for the first time ever Nike employees made more than the Nike stockholders!-Jay Leno

Just last night I saw Bill Gates on the Comedy Channel trying to win Ben Stein's money! -Jay Leno

Law And Order

Mayor Giuliani says he wants to clean up New York by getting rid of all the lap dancers, all the strippers and hookers. Hey, it'll be a great city then ... just nobody will be around to enjoy it!-David Letterman

Remember last week with the talk of the big blizzard that never happened? There is a mayor of a New Jersey town calling for meteorologists to be held accountable for their forecasts. Meteorologists say the mayor has about a 30 percent chance of succeeding.-Conan O'Brien

A New York City federal court ruled on a case involving the Wonder Bra Company suing the Wonder Pants Company. This is a true story. I guess the Wonder Pants Company uses the same technology to push your butt up. Is this really an area you need more cleavage in? I think my plumber wears a pair of these.-Jay Leno

Good news -- the New York murder rate is down! It's so low now that when you wake up in the night and you think you hear a car backfiring ... it's an actual car backfiring!-David Letterman

The murder rate is so low that in Times Square on the big digital murder counter you have to stand and wait 10 minutes before it changes!-David Letterman

The murder rate is so low that in Times Square on the big digital murder counter you have to stand and wait 10 minutes before it changes! -David Letterman

Today is the first day of spring! I was out walking around today and in Central Park I saw a robin redbreast. Then I looked closer, and it was just a sparrow with an exit wound.-David Letterman

Daylight-saving time begins this weekend. Let me tell you, this gives New Yorkers one more hour in the day to shoot somebody. -David Letterman

An earthquake that happened in Seattle yesterday was 6.8 on the Richter scale. On one block alone 400 Starbucks were destroyed! -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Eminem was in TV Guide this week and said that he had no idea that Elton John was gay. Come on! Eminem doesn't even know he's white!-Jay Leno

Rap star Eminem says he is ready to start his acting career. Hasn't he already been acting? He's been pretending to be black for five years now! -Jay Leno

There is now an Eminem action figure. Who is this for? Guys that hate gays but still want to play with dolls? -Jay Leno

The host of "Survivor," Jeff Probst, is getting a divorce. He and his wife will split everything. I guess she's about to get her seven-and-a-half minutes of fame now, too!-Jay Leno

Puff Daddy walked! Found not guilty! He had to walk � Johnnie Cochran took the limo! -Jay Leno

Boy, Puff Daddy being found not guilty. I hope that doesn't ruin his reputation as a rap star!-Jay Leno

Puff Daddy walked! Found not guilty. Everyone is so surprised that even O.J. can't believe it!-David Letterman

Did you have a good St. Patrick's Day? I went to the bar and had this new drink called the Puff Daddy. You take three shots and you can still walk away! -Jay Leno

Jesse Jackson's mistress is going to write a tell-all book. She says that Jesse gave her $400,000 in hush money. Well, it looks like that worked! This could hurt Jesse, since two of his organizations are nonprofit. The tough part is finding a mistress that is nonprofit! -Jay Leno

Last night Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Well, not all of him � his nose won't be eligible for another 15 years!-Conan O'Brien

A British tabloid is reporting that Whitney Houston will be the next Bond Girl. Her name in the movie will be Munchies Galore.-Craig Kilborn

A paleontologist has found the oldest human skull ever found. The skull is 3.5 million years old! They found it on Anna Nicole Smith's pillow.-Conan O'Brien

Former Spice Girl Geri Howell's apartment in London was broken into. Everything was taken! Well, except for some Spice Girls CDs that the thief dropped off.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

For the first time ever, according to the census, whites are no longer a majority in California. Except on prime-time television. -Jay Leno

Bozo the Clown is retiring after 40 years in the clown business. Let me tell you, those are some big shoes to fill! -Jay Leno

Bozo the Clown is retiring, after 40 years! With Bush in office he just can't compete anymore. -Jay Leno

A survey says that 30 percent of guys like to settle an argument by having sex. Another 30 percent of guys say they don't want to have an argument with those other guys. -Jay Leno

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average � hey, let's get a pizza!-Jay Leno

Some teachers in New York are in trouble for trading grades for groceries. Can you believe this? Teachers were trading grades for free food with a student that worked at a grocery store. What happened with the good old days where students snd teachers traded sex for grades? -Jay Leno

An earthquake that happened in Seattle yesterday was 6.8 on the Richter scale. On one block alone 400 Starbucks were destroyed!-Conan O'Brien

They say the big problems in earthquakes are book shelves, the shelves falling over and heavy books landing on you. California has taken precautions against this the last few years by not reading! Ever been in L.A.? The biggest book you'll find is TV Guide! Be careful, though! Don't let the September issue hit you, the big issue with all the new shows.-Jay Leno

Three major fast food chains have pulled their toys off the market because they are choking hazards to kids. I think I see the problem. Maybe if the food was more appetizing, the kids wouldn't be eating the toys!-Jay Leno

A new telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.-Craig Kilborn

The FDA has released new guidelines to tell if you're fat or not. You take a kangaroo, a frisbee and three bowling pins. Go to a street corner and have the kangaroo fetch the frisbee while it juggles the bowling pins, and if people still walk by and say, "Hey, that guy is fat!" then that means you're fat! -Craig Kilborn

The Army has postponed to have all the soldiers wear black berets. The Army is reconsidering the idea because people don't like it. Most of the soldiers are saying that if they wanted to look gay they would have joined the Navy!-Conan O'Brien

Did you hear about the guy that walked around the entire world?! The sad thing is that he made it one full day ahead of schedule of a Northwestern Airlines flight! -Jay Leno

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it � they're the ones falling down the most! -Jay Leno

The citizens of Paris have elected their first openly gay mayor. The new mayor says his first priority will be to change everyone's view of people in Paris from rude to bitchy.-Conan O'Brien

Surgeons in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia performed a first. They replaced a guy's amputated penis with one of his fingers. Now his pants fit like a glove! -Jay Leno

A man in Russia had his penis replaced with one of his fingers. The surgery was a success! The guy can now open his zipper with his finger from inside his pants! -Jay Leno

Everyone is getting ready for the Oscars! Remember how last year the Oscar awards were stolen? Not going to happen this year. Each Oscar is being shipped in a box labled "XFL Season Tickets"! -Jay Leno

"Gladiator" won big, I think Hollywood was just so intrigued by the movie, the concept of stabbing someone from the front � that's never been done around here!-Jay Leno

Ireland has called off their St. Patrick's Day celebrations for this year. The news of the cancellations was met with fighting, rioting, drinking and vomiting! -Craig Kilborn

Sports

The earthquake that happened in Seattle was a 6.8 on the Richter scale. That's more than the ratings for XFL football!-Jay Leno

The XFL says they might fire Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura from announcing XFL games. That's smart: Fire the one guy that is watching the games!-Jay Leno

I liked the first XFL commercials showing guys murdering each other. Well, an XFL game is the perfect place to murder someone � there's no witnesses!-Jay Leno

Walt Disney says it will pay $450 for the rights to Winnie the Pooh. The last time anyone in Hollywood paid that much for "pooh" was right here at NBC when they bought the rights to the XFL!-Jay Leno

Kobe Bryant has a viral infection. The good news is that he won't pass it on to his teammates. -Jay Leno

The Lakers are considering bringing back Dennis Rodman to be the stabilizing figure on the team. How bad is that?! -Jay Leno

We're going to have a Subway Series! The Yankees and the Mets! Mayor Guliani says he'll be rooting for the Yankees. When Hillary was asked who she was cheering for, she said, "I don't know. Which team is from New York?" -Conan O'Brien