War On Terror

Word from Afghanistan is that the Northern Alliance is making progress. If you don't know what the Northern Alliance is, that's our allies who we will be fighting next year.-David Letterman

The vice president shot five pheasants. Well, the Taliban says he missed and hit two Red Cross centers.-Jay Leno

Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over.-David Letterman

They are now saying that that isn't entirely correct. That Osama stopped drinking years ago. The funny thing, though, the ironic thing is that still today he sits around and gets bombed. -David Letterman

Osama bin Laden claims that he has nuclear weapons. But he also admits that he has to drop it with a camel.-David Letterman

The bounty on Osama bin Laden is about $25 million . That seems like a lot, but considering the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez, it's not very much. -Jay Leno

The Pentagon has a $25 million reward for the capture of Osama bin Laden. If you kill Osama you get $25 million, but if you have the winning powerball ticket -- you get $50 million!-David Letterman

Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you could get killed! -Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.-David Letterman

It's being reported that Osama bin Laden has ordered a huge number of gas masks. Hey, if you spent the Thanksgiving weekend in a cave with 20 guys, you'd order some gas masks too! -Jay Leno

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden has ordered a large amount of gas masks. So FedEx can find this guy but we can't? -Jay Leno

The Northern Alliance has taken over the city of Kabul. Today they were partying like it was 1499 over there.-Jay Leno

Lots of people are getting out of Kabul. The Taliban is retreating. In fact, the local U-Haul ran out of camels.-David Letterman

Did you see the footage of Kabul? People are singing and dancing in the streets. One woman even stripped down to her nose!-Jay Leno

The Red Cross says it will be giving more humanitarian aid to Afghanistan. After that, they will help out New York. -Jay Leno

The news in Afghanistan: The people are flooding the streets of Kabul. People can once again smoke, dance and listen to music. I tell you, Kabul is once again fun city! It's about time.-David Letterman

The Taliban is on the run. They have nowhere to go. Iran doesn't want them, Pakistan doesn't want them. But they have no problem getting into here! -David Letterman

The Taliban is trying to regroup now. Some more moderate members are now in charge of the Taliban. You know what a moderate in the Taliban is -- someone that stones you but gives you Advil first.-Jay Leno

The Northern Alliance has beaten the Taliban and will now face the winner of the Southern Conference in the Sugar Bowl.-David Letterman

People are watching TV again in Kabul. The number one show in Afghanistan is "The Flintstones," except over there they call it "The Jetsons" because it's so far advanced.-Jay Leno

There's no authority in Afghanistan right now. All these different ethnic groups -- people are in the streets armed and shooting guns. So, it's just like L.A., except without the traffic! -Jay Leno

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week -- and not a minute too soon. The French are there to serve as advisers to the Taliban on how to surrender properly. (French accent) "Arms higher! Up, up, arms higher!" -Jay Leno

We have now captured the number one recruiter for the Al-Qaeda terrorist network. This is a big deal. He was the guy that came up with the slogan "We're looking for a few mentally deranged lunatics!" -David Letterman

Homeland Security

I read this -- 40 percent of kids in the country still believe in Santa Claus, 30 percent believe in the Easter Bunny, and less than 10 percent think airport security exists. -Jay Leno

What's the latest on the war? I heard we are now dropping 15,000-pound bombs. These things weigh 8 tons, they are 5 feet high and 17 feet long, the largest weapon on Earth. Just yesterday someone was able to sneak one past security at O'Hare airport.-Jay Leno

Eight workers at Chicago's O'Hare Airport were suspended when a man made it through security with nine knives, a stun gun and mace. Hey, I didn't know O.J. was traveling again.-Jay Leno

Tonight the president addressed the nation. ABC was the only network to carry it. NBC and CBS didn't carry it so they could show "Survivor" and "Friends." So God forbid if the enemy ever attacks on a Thursday night!-Jay Leno

In the speech last night, President Bush urged people to get back to normal. NBC executives took his advice and aired "Friends" instead of the speech.-Jay Leno

The Mayo Clinic has come up with a one-hour test kit for anthrax. The bad news is that the test comes to you in the mail. -Jay Leno

At the Baltimore-Washington airport they are trying to keep passengers waiting for flights calm, so they have hired jugglers and clowns to entertain the people in the airport. Hey, how about we hire some more security to make us feel comfortable! -Jay Leno

Politics

The mayor's race in New York City is heating up. The two candidates are accusing each other of being racist and slanderous. Hey, this means that New York is getting back to normal. -Jay Leno

New York City has a new mayor, billionaire Michael Bloomberg. Even though he's rich, he says he'll still look out for the little guy -- like the millionaires. -Jay Leno

We have a new mayor! Michael Bloomberg! They say this guy is a business genius -- well, then, why did he fork out $50 million for a $150,000-a-year job? -David Letterman

Michael Bloomberg is the new mayor, and I tell you, if you have a dream and have the stamina, and if you have $50 million -- you, too, can be something! -David Letterman

Remember that election last year at this time that was all screwed up? Well, the New York Times paid all these folks to go down to Florida and investigate, and it turns out George W. Bush would still have been elected president. I tell you, things are really, really starting to look bad for the Gore campaign. -David Letterman

Republicans are upset about this, though. What's the point of having a crooked election if you win it fair and square? -David Letterman

Former Vice President Al Gore has become the vice chairman of Metropolitan-West Financial. Gore said that he has finally found a financial job that is as boring as he is.-Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates will be appearing in an upcoming episode of "Frasier." That's when you know the economy is bad -- when Bill Gates goes out looking for a second job. -Jay Leno

Britney Spears will have her third album out this week. Critics say that this album will be the album where Britney announces that she is a woman. The critics also said the same thing about Elton John's new album. -Conan O'Brien

Nineteen-year-old Britney Spears was seen at a nightclub drinking an alcholic beverage. They say she knew she was drinking when she wasn't able to lip-sync the alphabet.-Craig Kilborn

Charles Manson just turned 67 years old. He's getting very old now. He now has to wear a hearing aid just so he can hear the voices inside his head. -Jay Leno

Singer Barry Manilow says that he is white, but in his heart he is a black "R&B" singer. The ironic thing is that Michael Jackson has said the same thing.-Conan O'Brien

A new tell-all book is coming out that lists all the men that Madonna has slept with. I believe the title of the book is called the phone book. -Craig Kilborn

Science And Technology

There is now a new drug out on the market to cure shyness. Isn't that called alcohol?-Jay Leno

There is now a drug on the market for shyness. Do we really need this? Shy people aren't bothering anyone. How about a drug for obnoxious idiots -- now, that's what we need!-Jay Leno

The space shuttle launch was postponed today. It was called off because the astronauts did not arrive at the airport two hours before the shuttle lift-off. -Jay Leno

Bell Labs say they have created a transistor that is as small as a molecule. This will allow computers, televisions, radios and cell phones to be much smaller. Do we need smaller cell phones? If they get any smaller, there will have to be choking hazard labels on them.-Jay Leno

A tobacco company is coming out with a breath mint made from tobacco. How bad is your breath if you need a mint made from tobacco? Who is this for? The person that doesn't want to be a smoker but wants to smell like one? -Jay Leno

Have you heard about this? A company in Massachusetts has made the first cloned human embryo. They did this by inserting a chemical into an egg that tricks the egg into thinking it's been fertilized. So, it's basically the same old guy trick. You buy the woman a drink and try to get her to sleep with you. -Jay Leno

President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. This is like the only thing they both agree on. Today Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

I was watching the Discovery Channel and turkeys are amazing creatures. They have been bred over hundreds of years to have small brains, big breasts and peck at food. So they're like the supermodels of the animal kingdom.-Jay Leno

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. -Jay Leno

You know, in Beverley Hills a haunted house is considered one that's $80,000 and has no pool.-Jay Leno

"Sex and the City" and "The Sopranos" were the big winners. Well, looks like Hollywood has stuck to its promise of less sex and violence. -Jay Leno

In Rhode Island a couple was arrested when their 3-year-old son brought a bag of marijuana to a day care center by mistake. They became suspicious when the boy ate 4,000 animal crackers.-Conan O'Brien

An Australian woman has stuck her dead husband's ashes in her breast implants. Geez, I wonder how many guys at that funeral asked to see the body. -Jay Leno

On this date 40 years ago, Ellis Island closed down. Ellis Island used to be a place where they processed immigrants. That was back when they really processed immigrants.-Jay Leno

They say that 20 million people were processed at Ellis Island. You know what we call that in L.A. -- we call it "Slow Tuesday."-Jay Leno

A new product out now. Diet Coke with lemon -- didn't that used to be called Pledge? -Jay Leno

The new "Harry Potter" movie comes out on Friday. The producer is getting a lot of heat because there are many ties in the movie to Coca-Cola. In fact, the evil wizard in the movie, his name is Pepsi.-Conan O'Brien

The great thing about this movie (Harry Potter) is that it's for both children and adults -- just like the Bronx Little League.-David Letterman

They are already working on the Harry Potter sequel. In the second movie Harry Potter goes to Jurassic Park with Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones. The movie is going to be called "We Want All the Money!"-Jay Leno

In Detroit there was a bomb scare the other day. People thought there was a pipe bomb and it turned out to be a vibrator. The police say that the culprit is a single woman who was acting alone. -Jay Leno

The Gerber Baby Food Company has turned 75 years old. The Gerber Baby has now gone back to wearing diapers and eating baby food again.-Jay Leno

A woman in New Jersey took a bite out of her boyfriend's ear during a fight. What were they fighting about? She said that he never listens to her.-Jay Leno

In China the country is getting ready to get cable TV for the first time ever. Cable guys everywere in China are telling customers the same thing -- stay home between the years of the pig and the goat.-Craig Kilborn

"Court TV" is doing something interesting. They are conducting a fantasy trial of Osama bin Laden. They got the idea from a few years back in L.A. when they held a fantasy trial of O.J. Simpson.-David Letterman

Sports

This is the first time that the World Series has gone into November. Well, why not? Last year we had an election that went into January. -David Letterman

The gene for choking has been discovered. It was found last night while pitching to Derek Jeter. -Craig Kilborn

Last night the Arizona Diamondbacks won the World Series -- their first title ever in the team's five-year existence. How do you think this makes the Cubs feel? The last time they won the World Series, Arizona was a territory!-Jay Leno

The Arizona Diamondbacks have won the World Series! That's the most exciting thing to happen in Phoenix since -- well, that is the most exciting thing to ever happen in Phoenix. -Jay Leno

Mark McGuire has retired from baseball. He says that he's just tired of it now, and that his body and abilities aren't the same as it was when he was younger. He is now going to go play for the Washington Wizards. -Jay Leno

Mark McGuire has retired from baseball because he says he is no longer able to perform at a professional level. Do you think he needs to retire, though? Look at the Detroit Lions -- they aren't performing at a professional level and they're still playing.-Jay Leno

Britney Spears plans to play Detroit later this month. Britney is favored by two touchdowns.-Jay Leno

Over Thanksgiving the average person will travel 100 miles. Except for the Detroit Lions -- they won't travel 10 yards! -Jay Leno

The Detroit Lions coach had a workout for the team today. He took just the offense out on the field today, just the offense -- and they still couldn't score a touchdown.-Jay Leno

When Shaq retires he says he wants to be a sheriff of a small town. Which he'd be good at, as long as he doesn't have to shoot someone from the foul line.-Conan O'Brien