War On Terror

The latest is that there may be an offensive against the Taliban soon. Rebel forces in Afghanistan are gathering to the north and British and American Special Forces are going in undercover, bin Laden doesn't know this � unless he turns on CNN!!!-Jay Leno

Tomorrow night is a big night for the show "The West Wing." It will pertain to the events in New York City but they're not saying how. See, I don't get this. Why do we keep our television plots such a big secret in this country but we can give our military plans out over CNN? -Jay Leno

President Bush is angry at Congress, and rightfully so, for leaks on classified information on our troop movements. This is how crazy our country is � we know where our troops are, but we don't know who won an Emmy! -Jay Leno

People over there are starving. I did not know this, but a big part of their diet is rancid goat meat. I didn't know they had a Sizzler in Afghanistan.-Jay Leno

The Taliban is starting to show some signs of compromise. Lots of the allies we are getting might be helping. They are now saying they will hand over bin Laden, but only to a third country. I know � how about Israel? Works for me!-Jay Leno

We had our B-1s and B-2s, the Tomcats, all the fighters out yesterday. I guess we showed them that Americans aren't afraid to fly! -Jay Leno

You know, things are so different over there. In Afghanistan, if you commit adultery you can be stoned. Here we get stoned and commit adultery. -Jay Leno

The other day a Taliban spokesman said that they have many young men that want to die as much as Americans want to live. Well, that can be arranged.-Jay Leno

Over the weekend we attacked the main Taliban military academy. It's a very important place to the Taliban, Admission there for a year is four goats � who can afford that?! -Jay Leno

We're dropping both bombs and food in Afghanistan. How do they know which plane to stand under?-Jay Leno

Not only are we dropping bombs on Afghanistan, but we're dropping food, radios, and leaflets. So you could be sitting there in the desert and all of a sudden you have breakfast, the newspaper and Howard Stern. It's like being on Long Island. -Jay Leno

Disney is putting "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" out on DVD. You know where this is going to be a big hit? In Afghanistan. It features a virgin living with seven bearded guys that work in a cave. -Jay Leno

I can't figure this out. I heard someone on the news refer to the terrorists as the "alleged terrorists" and as "the devout religious fundamentalists." Now, shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't they be the devout terrorists and the alleged religous fundamentalists? -Jay Leno

Halloween is coming up. The big thing this year is animal costumes. You know what the big animal costume in Afghanistan is this year? Duck!-Jay Leno

Last night at the World Series, President Bush threw out the first pitch. The White House claimed it was a perfect strike, and the Taliban claimed that it missed and killed innocent people. -David Letterman

Osama bin Laden

A brother of bin Laden said in an interview with the Boston Globe that Osama was the black sheep of the family. Well, I hope so. I'd hate to know the family if he was considered the nice one! His brother is a lawyer, too, so terrorism runs in the family.-Jay Leno

Bill Gates has $54 billion! You know, Afghanistan has only $11 billion. Why doesn't Gates just buy Afghanistan and turn it into rental properties and evict bin Laden? Case solved. -Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden's father was divorced 16 times, and he has five wives. Well, I think we're starting to figure out the root of his anger. -Jay Leno

CNN is arranging to interview Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden trusts CNN because Larry King is the only person to have more wives than he does. -Conan O'Brien

More and more news coming out on Osama bin Laden. He's 6'5" and has 42 children -- or, as he would be called in the NBA, a rookie! -Jay Leno

Post 9/11

I am shocked at how nice people are being here in New York. In fact, outside the studio the man that sells the fake Rolex watches, he's now also selling a fake five-year guarantee.-Conan O'Brien

Tensions are high right now. A Manhattan landlord is suing another man for $10 million because he called him "Osama." The strange thing is that the landlord's real name is Adolf! -Conan O'Brien

New Yorkers are friendlier now. Today I went and bought a hot dog and the vendor was nice enough to say, "Hey, I wouldn't eat that crap if I were you." -Conan O'Brien

Bill Gates continues to be the richest man in the world. The second richest, I believe, is the guy over on Ventura selling flags. -Jay Leno

Everyone is in the patriotic spirit, people have flags on their cars and stuff. That's what I love about this country � we can pull together. Ten days ago we had a flag shortage, a week later we had millions made and shipped in from Taiwan. What a great country! That's what I'm talking about!-Jay Leno

This week the mayor asked that everyone get back to normal. People are getting back to normal. Why, just today the mayor said it was OK to give people the finger again. -David Letterman

Security is tight everywhere! In fact, the hookers in Times Square are now asking for two forms of I.D.-David Letterman

Over half of all Americans are now turning to the Internet for their news since the attacks. This is up 10 percent. In time, however, people will go back to using the Internet for its primary purpose of downloading porn.-Conan O'Brien

Do you remember the good old days when flight attendants handed out magazines like "Better Homes and Gardens" and "Good Housekeeping"? Now they hand out stuff like "Soldier of Fortune" and "Guns and Ammo." -Jay Leno

Office of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge is getting tough. Today he announced a new zero-tolerance policy at airports. Well, of course! Like we're going to allow one hijacker per month � now it's zero! -Jay Leno

A survey of lawyers found that 54 percent of them would not represent terrorists due to moral grounds. The other 46 percent said, "Moral grounds? What's that?" -Jay Leno

Politics

Al Gore was in Iowa over the weekend. He was driving around by himself in a brown Taurus, staying in Holiday Inn Expresses going around finding supporters to have coffee with. Just like when he was vice president.-Jay Leno

Bill Clinton has lost his law license. Just another poor Harlem brother being kept down by The Man. How did he lose his law license but is still able to keep his marriage license, that's what I want to know. -Jay Leno

Bill Clinton and Bob Dole are working together to show people can put aside politics to unite during this time. Bob Dole talks in third person and Bill Clinton is always denying there was a third person, so it works out.-Jay Leno

The president is also telling everyone to get back to normal. I think that's real important. There are signs that we are getting there � Congress will now accept bribes again. -Jay Leno

Some members of congress think to stimulate the economy we should bring back the free martini lunch. Nothing will increase productivity like returning to work drunk! -David Letterman

Anthrax

The Postal Service is warning people not to sniff or taste their mail. Is this a big problem? Do people do that? -Jay Leno

Rockers, the band Anthrax is complaining about bad publicity over the anthrax scare. Oh, please! Who could have foreseen it being a bad thing by naming your band Anthrax? -Jay Leno

In an interview the other day members of the group Anthrax admitted that right now their band name isn't the coolest. They also went on to admit that their jobs at Pizza Hut right now aren't the coolest thing either.-Conan O'Brien

The scare is so big that Whitney Houston will no longer open envelopes containing white powder.-Jay Leno

There's some job openings here at NBC � the bad news is you have to start out in the mail room.-Jay Leno

Today I got a piece of suspicious mail. I didn't open it and I threw it away. It was strange -- it said something about jury duty on the envelope.-Jay Leno

Do you remember the old days when the mail was safe and the mailman was dangerous? -Jay Leno

What a change here in Hollywood. I remember when people couldn't wait until they got an envelope full of white powder. -Jay Leno

The Postal Service has received advance warning from Publishers Clearinghouse: As part of a promotion they have sent out samples of detergent in envelopes. Talk about bad timing! What's next -- ticking clocks in boxes?-Jay Leno

Congress is acting all calm and telling us not to panic -- as they run down the steps! -David Letterman

Washington was so empty today that the tobacco lobby had to give money to itself. -Jay Leno

With all this anthrax, the good thing is that people aren't so concerned about secondhand smoke. -David Letterman

In Romania, a man that became a woman is now going to become a man again. Hey, that guy can go screw himself! -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Michael Jackson is going to play a small part as an alien in the upcoming "Men In Black 2." That's going to be an easy job for the makeup artist. -Craig Kilborn

The Backstreet Boys are going to put on a charity concert. The money raised will go to the victims of the concert. -Craig Kilborn

The Rolling Stones and Kiss both had to back out of a United We Stand concert last weekend. Apparently the stage wasn't wheelchair accessible. -Craig Kilborn

Britney Spears has delayed her upcoming tour because of a chest cold. You spend all that money to buy a new chest -- and it gets a cold! -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

The oldest woman has passed away at age 119. What is it with this title of "oldest person alive"? The title is cursed or something � whoever gets it ends up dying a few months later. -Jay Leno

Layoffs are hitting the country all over. Just today Denny's laid off the guy in charge of putting hair in the food.-Craig Kilborn

Last night was the premiere of the third "Survivor," "Surivior Africa." My question is who is this for? Are we now tired of Americans pulling together and now going back to watching people lie, cheat and backstab each other? -Jay Leno

In Utah it is now illegal to grab your crotch in public. Do you think this will stop people? No. Teenagers are now going to drive to the state line, cross it, grab their crotch and drive back. -Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that marijuana is illegal in the U.S. no matter the circumstance. I believe this was the case of the U.S. versus Cheech and Chong. -Conan O'Brien

On an upcoming episode of the "Weakest Link" the contestants will include Darva Conger, Tonya Harding, Gennifer Flowers and Todd Bridges. In that company, how would you like to hear the words "You are the weakest link"? -Craig Kilborn

Doctors say that it is a bad idea to give ice cream to women going through PMS. You know what is worse? Taking ice cream away from her! -Craig Kilborn

Scientists have invented a new device to be installed in pacemakers that will call your doctor when your heart is showing signs of weakness. It'll call your doctor right up when you're having heart trouble. That's amazing. When Dick Cheney heard about this he said, "I can't afford phone bills like that." -Craig Kilborn

Last night the president of the National Trial Lawyers Charity -- amazing such a thing is possible -- anyway, he said that the trial lawyers were donating blood. Finally -- they are giving back what they've been sucking out of us forever! -Jay Leno

In Indiana a 13-year-old girl has been charged with robbing a bank. A 13-year-old! When she was arrested she was allowed one nine-hour phone call. -Conan O'Brien

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumbers union. -Conan O'Brien

Today big Hollywood executives met with congressional members to see what they can be doing to help out. Here's an idea � how about fewer shows like "Temptation Island," "Fear Factor" and "Blind Date"? -Jay Leno

The new "Survivor" is airing. Last night they voted off the second person. They are in Africa living in huts, they go to the bathroom in a river, and they drink cow's blood. In Afghanistan that's known as "The Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous." -Jay Leno

Today I was in the mall and I walked by the perfume stand and got spritzed. I thought it smelled great, so I turned to the lady and asked her what it was and she said, "Sneeze." -Craig Kilborn

This is true. In Las Vegas, the first plastic surgery clinic for pets has opened up. I took my French poodle there, and let me tell you � eight fake boobs ain't cheap! -Craig Kilborn

Sports

In Washington the security is tight! The police are arresting people that are suspicous loiterers. On Sunday they arrested the Washington Redskins because they were standing around doing nothing.-Jay Leno

The Washington Redskins are now wearing gas masks. Not because the air is bad -- but because they don't want anyone to see their faces. -Craig Kilborn

Michael Jordan is making a comeback. He says he's coming back to the NBA because he has an itch that needs scratched. Dennis Rodman says he just has a rash that he can't get rid of. -Conan O'Brien

Barry Bonds is the new home-run king! He's now hit 73 out. Historians say that the new record will probably not be broken ... until sometime next season. -Jay Leno

Barry Bonds is the new home-run king! Seventy-three home runs for Bonds! And you thought some of your investments were bad � how would you like to have been the guy that spent $3 million on McGwire's ball? What is that worth now � about $3.49 on eBay?-Jay Leno

There was a big health scare in the Bronx last night. There was a choking incident -- turned out to be the Oakland Athletics. -David Letterman

Congratulations to the Yankees! They are now out to Seattle to play, after beating the A's last night. The A's played so bad that George Steinbrenner had to fire their manager. -David Letterman

The World Series is going on. The first two games are done. Those took place in Arizona at Bank One Ballpark. Now, when I'm at a baseball game I like to go watch, then go home. But at Bank One Ballpark they have a waterfall out in center field. Well, I was thinking, Yankee Stadium actually isn't too different. We have guys urinating in the bullpen. -David Letterman

Tonight the third game of the World Series is being played. President Bush threw out the first pitch. Then, as a sign of solidarity with the Yankees, Bush got to throw the first battery at the opposing team. -Conan O'Brien