The Bush Girls

The Bush family is not only raising the bar, they're closing it as well. I think this is why the president had twins. This way one is always the designated driver.-Jay Leno

Here's the ironic thing. Jenna today said that she doesn't even like alcohol; she was just drinking it because, thanks to her dad, there is so much arsenic in the drinking water now!-Jay Leno

Today a municipal judge in Texas postponed Jenna "Anheuser" Bush's court apperance. Gee, I wonder if she knew someone? In a related story, that judge today was nominated for the United States Supreme Court.-Jay Leno

A little trouble in the Bush family. The other night Jenna Bush had the Secret Service bail her boyfriend out of jail who was arrested for being drunk. President Bush said that it was wrong of her to use the Secret Service to bail him out, and that a real man would deny that it happened and have his daddy fix it for him. -Conan O'Brien

Last night Jenna Bush got into an argument with her dad over the beer-drinking incident in Texas. She said "Less Filling," he said "Tastes Great."-Jay Leno

Politics

Actually, one kind of embarrassing moment � this was kind of funny � I guess when the Dalai Lama met with President Bush the Dalai Lama mentioned Tibet and Bush said, "I put 50 bucks on the Lakers once in a while."-Jay Leno

George W. Bush says that he has prayed everyday that he has been in the White House, I was thinking, hell same goes for us!-David Letterman

George W. Bush has been in office for over one hundred days. Comparing Bush to Clinton, Bush has accomplished more in his first one hundred days. But it was more fun under Clinton -- unless you were actually under Clinton! -David Letterman

You've got to like what George W. Bush is doing at the White House. The rose garden is now gone and they're drilling for natural gas. On the front lawn, you see, they have tee ball set up for the little kids. Tee ball is like baseball except there is no pitching -- kind of like the Mets! -David Letterman

Over the weekend President Bush hosted a tee ball baseball game for some children. They're not sure who won, well in tee ball they don't keep score. Kind of like voting in Florida!-Jay Leno

The White House says it has given up hopes of our spy plane being flown back to the United States. Instead the plane will be torn apart and shipped in boxes. The good news is that each box will come with extra duck sauce and a fortune cookie. -Conan O'Brien

Al Gore visited Florida today for the first time since the election. I think he's still bitter though because he greeted the crowd by saying, "Greetings, you stupid old fools!" -Conan O'Brien

Some good political gossip -- It seems there's a new woman in Al Gore's life. Betty Crocker. Al Gore has gained 50 pounds now. It was forty pounds a couple days ago. In fact, he told students at Columbia University he may never run again, unless of course the ice cream truck goes by. -Jay Leno

I don't believe this, but it's true. President Bush has nominated one of his old college fraternity brothers to be the new ambassador to China. His mission will be to introduce China to democracy, free trade and the beer bong.-Conan O'Brien

President Bush has named his old college fraternity brother as the new ambassador to China. Apparently the guy is very qualified. He's a lawyer and he speaks fluent Mandarin Chinese. In fact, he's even given George Bush a Chinese nickname -- Dim Son.-Jay Leno

Robert Hanssen, the spy for Russia, has been accused of spending nearly half the money the Russians gave him, half of the $600,000 dollars, on strippers and crack. The other $300,000 he just wasted. -Craig Kilborn

How about this for progress? A woman in Iran is running for president! She is described as an Iranian moderate. You know what that is, an Iranian moderate? That's someone that just boils the American flag.-Jay Leno

In California a 35 year old school teacher has been fired because she took her top off in class and exposed her breasts. But in her defense, she was teaching a course about government! -Craig Kilborn

The big political story is Florida Gov. Jeb Bush and this rumored affair he had with a model. Jeb denies the story, saying he hasn't dangled his chad in front of anyone.-Jay Leno

What a switch. The last administration had the brother that was an idiot and the womanizer as the President, now it's the other way around! -Jay Leno

Today in Ohio a runaway train carrying hazardous materials had to be stopped. It was a runaway train with no one on it. The train kept moving forward, a danger to the environment and no one on it, kind of like the Bush Administration! -Jay Leno

Former President Clinton is in Poland, when someone threw a raw egg at him. That must be depressing. The Secret Service would take a bullet for you, but now they won't even take an egg for you!-Jay Leno

According to the New York Daily News, Bill Clinton has lost 20 pounds. Twenty pounds! He's now so skinny his pants fall down when there isn't a woman in the room! -Jay Leno

Back in the news � Monica Lewinsky. She wants her stained dress back. I guess all her other stained dresses are now too tight! -David Letterman

Clinton is now into it. He's being a gentleman, you know, and he told Monica, "You can't have your stained dress back, but I can make you a new one!" -David Letterman

Former Attorney Janet Reno says she might run for Governor of Florida. She is so unpopular there they won't have to use the crooked voting machines! -David Letterman

Yesterday I heard a TV commercial and all I heard was "Built Ram Tough!" No, it wasn't a Dodge commercial, it was a Janet Reno campaign commercial for governor of Florida. -Jay Leno

Former Attorney General Janet Reno says she may run for Governor of Florida against Jeb Bush. She'd be tough to beat, her campaign slogan is, "I'm the best man for the job!" -Jay Leno

Janet Reno might run for governor in the state of Florida. She doesn't know yet if she'll run as a Democrat, an independent, a man or a woman.-Conan O'Brien

George W. Bush spoke to students at Yale. He received an honorary law degree � kind of like being the "honorary president"! -Jay Leno

Lots of college seniors are graduating. In the news, President Bush attended the Yale University commencement. One hundred seventy professors signed a letter of protest. Bush said that was nothing, 300 professors protested when he graduated.-Conan O'Brien

The Pentagon is under a lot of heat for wasting money. They sent an aircraft carrier from San Diego to Hawaii for the premiere of "Pearl Harbor." The Congress has also been accused of wasting money. They transported Strom Thurmond to the premiere of "The Mummy Returns"!-Conan O'Brien

The Reverand Al Sharpton says he plans to run for president in 2004. Finally a Democrat that can restore honesty and dignity to the White House!-Jay Leno

Are you following the story with Mayor Giuliani? It's like a bad episode of "Three's Company." His wife has banned his mistress from the house. I'm thinking to myself, his only hope now is to become president.-David Letterman

Senator Jim Jeffords

Senator Jeffords from Vermont may become a Democrat. The House would still belong to the Republicans, the Senate to the Democrats, and the presidency would still belong to the oil companies, so everything will be balanced.-Jay Leno

Republican Senator James Jeffords from Vermont was going to switch parties to the Democrats. Now he is going to switch to the independents. See, this way, as an independent, he can enjoy the marital affairs like a Democrat and still get the handout from big oil like a Republican!-Jay Leno

James Jeffords, senator from Vermont, is going to switch political parties. This isn't unusual for senators to switch parties. Just last night Ted Kennedy switched from a party at Bennigan's to a party over at Houlihan's!-David Letterman

That's the big story today. I guess you know by now Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords has left the Republican Party and become an independent. He said he didn't like their policies on energy and environment and he didn't want to join the Democrats because he's not ready to start screwing around on his wife.-Jay Leno

Senator Jim Jeffords of Vermont has switched parties from being a Republican and has become an independent. He said he did this because of conscience and principle. See, that's why he's an independent � being a Republican or Democrat, you don't get either of those! -Jay Leno

Jeffords, before he switched, was described as a liberal Republican. You know what that is? It's when you believe in the death penalty but think the electric chair should be solar-powered!-Jay Leno

Senator Jim Jeffords left the Republican Party today to become an independent. President Bush said he respects his decision to switch parties. In fact, Bush said that he used to switch parties frequently in college whenever the kegs ran out. -Conan O'Brien

The Economy

Gas is at $2.65 a gallon! It's supposed to be $3 per gallon by this summer. The good news is that no one will be able to drink and drive because it costs so much. You can do one or the other, but not both at the same time. -Jay Leno

Gas prices are still getting higher. Here in Hollywood the gas is now more expensive than the hookers standing out in front of the gas station.-Jay Leno

Seventeen people die on the job every day! That's bad news ... unless, of course, you're looking for a job. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Happy Birthday today to Michael Wallace, he turns 83 years old today. You know, 60 minutes is also now his life expectancy! -Jay Leno

Mike Wallace celebrated his 83rd birthday yesterday! "60 Minutes" now also refers to how long it takes him to pee!-Conan O'Brien

A new Cher doll is about to come out. It's very authentic, made with the same plastic as the real Cher! -Jay Leno

Mayor Guilani's wife has banned his girlfriend from the house. When Hillary Clinton found out, she asked, "You can do that?!" -David Letterman

Actor Woody Harrelson is on a tour in San Francisco on a bus that runs off of hemp. The tour is going fine, but they have to stop a lot because Harelson has to get out and suck on the tailpipe.-Conan O'Brien

Woody Harrelson and a group of actors are on a tour in San Francisco to promote the use of pot. They are on a bus made of hemp. The bumper sticker to the bus says, "I brake for Doritos!" -Conan O'Brien

Robert Blake has added several more lawyers to his defense. He's going to keep adding more lawyers until he finds one that believes him.-Jay Leno

Things aren't looking good for Robert Blake. More questioning happened today. I guess when Blake went back to the restaurant the hostess asked him how many people were in his party and Blake said, "How many ... now?" -Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson has given advice to Robert Blake. He told Blake not to take a lie detector test or watch TV and to find a gullible jury. -David Letterman

O.J. says he knows how Blake feels ... guilty?! -David Letterman

God bless him - Did you see O.J. on the TV show "Extra"? He was giving advice to Robert Blake. Robert Blake's wife is dead; sounds like he has already taken advice from O.J. -David Letterman

The New York Post is reporting that Senator Ted Kennedy's marriage may be on the rocks. Isn't everything of Ted Kennedy's on the rocks?-Jay Leno

Sony Playstation Two is coming out with a Britney Spears game. The chips to the game are made out of the same silicone as her breasts! -Jay Leno

Happy Birthday to Anne Heche! Anne Heche turned 32 years old today. Before Jim Jeffords, she was the most famous person to switch sides.-Jay Leno

Law And Order

In Connecticut, a 450-pound woman is on the loose after escaping from her leg shackles while being arrested. OK ... how slow are these cops?! Four hundred fifty pounds! Who was chasing after her, Matlock? -Jay Leno

Have you heard about the guy in Utah with five wives? Do you know what the penalty is for having five wives? Having five mother-in-laws!-Jay Leno

Have you heard about this guy in Utah that has five wives? His name is Tom Green. How many times a day do you think he hears, "Use a coaster!"? When asked what he'll do in prison he said, "Get five husbands." -Jay Leno

Tom Green, the man in Utah with five wives, has written a new book about the experience. It's called "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Mercury, Saturn, Neptune and Pluto." -Jay Leno

Hey, do you know how a guy with five wives has sex? He thinks of five other women! -Jay Leno

In Illinois a 77-year-old man was found guilty of robbing three banks. He robbed the banks to impress his girlfriend. He could have just impressed her by using the ATM card! -Jay Leno

San Francisco is the first city probably in the world now that has voted to pay for sex change operations for city employees. You thought you hated it when the city cut off your utilities!-Jay Leno

The City of San Francisco will now pay for employees who want to have sex-change operations. If you work for the city and want to have your sex changed, the city will pay for it. Here are the actual costs: If you want to go from male to female, the surgery costs $37,000. If you want to go from female to male, it costs $77,000. Every guy in the audience is thinking, "I'm walking around with 40 grand in my pants!"-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Firestone Tires and Ford have split up. Well, that's one thing Firestone is good at � breaking up!-Jay Leno

Ford says they no longer want to deal with Firestone because it's too risky to deal with defective rubber. Jesse Jackson said, "Yeah, tell me about it."-Jay Leno

Scientists in Australia are working on making bio-degradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!-Jay Leno

In Australia they are working on making a car out of hemp. The only problem is that the car is always pulling over because it thinks cops are following it. -Conan O'Brien

This is one those times I'm happy to be living in New York. They have that big power crisis in California right now. L.A. has now had more blackouts than Robert Downey Jr.! -David Letterman

A school in New York has banned Mothers Day because it offends children that have gay parents or no mother. They can't celebrate Mothers Day by bringing in or making Mothers Day cards. But the kids are getting around it, they're smuggling cards in along with their crack and guns! -Jay Leno

The hookers here in New York are in the country mood because of the awards (Country Music Awards). Today, for only 50 bucks, you can get a ho-down! -David Letterman

Scientists believe they have found the gene that causes alcoholism. They found it at a party talking way too loudly!-Conan O'Brien

McDonald's is opening their own version of a Starbucks-type coffeehouse. What they're doing is combining McDonald's hot coffee with Starbucks-type prices -- so you can get burnt twice now! -Jay Leno

Here's something. This sounds like a joke. This is not a joke. There is now a lobbying group in Washington called the Pink Pistols. It is a pro-gay, pro-gun organization. Isn't that unbelievable? Pro-gay, pro-gun organization. I'm not making this up. Their slogan is: "That is a gun in our pocket, and we are happy to see you."-Jay Leno

Here's a nice story -- This Saturday in Texas, 85 year old Laura Thresser Johnson will graduate from Sam Houston State University. Eighty-Five years old! Good luck getting her to pay off her student loan! A lot of incentive there. You know who's happiest about her graduating? Her parents, she's finally getting her own place.-Jay Leno

On Saturday, an 85-year-old woman will graduate from Sam Houston State. After graduating she plans to take a year off, then backpack across Europe, and then die.-Craig Kilborn

Millionaire Dennis Tito is back home after being in space. He now says he didn't actualy want to be in space. He originaly bought a ticket to Cleveland on Priceline.com.-Jay Leno

The creator of Cliff Notes passed away over the weekend at the age of 85. President Bush said he was very sad because that was his favorite author. -Conan O'Brien

General Mills might be making a new organic twinkie. This is a twinkie for people that want to get fat naturally. -Jay Leno

On this day in 1686 the inventor of the thermometer was born. They say Gabriel Fahernheit, the inventor, was annoying, though. He didn't know what to do with his invention, so people were always telling him what to do with it. That's how we got the rectal thermometer.-Jay Leno

Seems to be some controversy in a high school outside of Peoria, Illinois. The seniors at Washington High want to pray at their graduation ceremony, and that's not allowed. Let me tell you, if you're a high school senior today that hasn't been shot at, beat up by a bulley, hit by a dodge ball, or hasn't gotten pregnant, your prayers have already been answered! -Jay Leno

Television And Movies

NBC has announced its fall schedule. We're going to be big! Three new innovative shows, the East Wing, The North Wing and The South Wing. -Jay Leno

Ellen is coming to CBS this fall! The name of her new show is going to be, "Not Everyone Loves Raymond."-David Letterman

Last night was the season finale to "The Sopranos". Jackie Junior got murdered on the show. He got murdered after having diner at an Italian restuarant with Robert Blake.-David Letterman

They say NBC'S new hit show "The Weakest Link" could be hit the hardest (by the writers' strike) . You know the host, Anne Robinson? Instead of all those witty insults they write for her, she may be reduced to just giving contestents the finger now. -Jay Leno

As you know, "Star Trek Voyager" had its final episode this week. I guess the crew returned after their five-year mission to find out that everyone on Earth was watching a different channel.-Jay Leno

"Pearl Harbor" opens this weekend and is expected to make $100 million. You know, typical Hollywood, everyone's to make money on it now. Now that it looks like it's going to be a hit, the Japanese are demanding half the money, claiming, "Hey, it was our idea. We came up with it. Without us there would BE no Pearl Harbor!"-Jay Leno

The "Mummy Two" opened up this weekend. It made over 70 million dollars! Isn't that crazy? The most disturbing part in the movie is when a beautiful woman kisses a four thousand year old dead guy. When I saw that I couldn't help but to think of one thing, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas!-David Letterman

Sports

Last week in a radio interview Shaq said that he slept with Cindy Crawford, which was untrue and he apologized to her this week. But even more surprising than that, Shaq also claimed that he had once made two consecutive freethrows! -Craig Kilborn

Do you know what the most popular question asked at the Unemployment Office this week? Which XFL team did you play for? -Jay Leno

New York Yankee baseball player Derek Jeter was spotted at a restaurant making out with supermodel Tyra Banks. Unfortunately for Jeter, he was thrown out going for second base!-Conan O'Brien