Saddam Hussein
A Baghdad newspaper is reporting that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is thinking about stepping down this September. He wants to take advantage of the time he has left and spend time with the family members he hasn't executed yet. -Conan O'Brien
Politics
Today George W. Bush visited New York City. He said the first thing he wanted to do when he got here was to meet the guy who voted for him.-David Letterman
Former president Clinton is going to speak at a school after he got a letter from a 17-year-old female student that praised him. OK, is this not an accident waiting to happen? -Jay Leno
Last week lawyers for Condit said that the senator took his own lie detector test and passed with flying colors. Well gee, do you think? Do you suppose he'd win his own trial? What's next, his own audit? Hey, look, a tax refund! -Jay Leno
Over the weekend Gary Condit gave himself a lie detector test and he announced that he did tell the truth. Today he put himself on trial and found he was not guilty! -David Letterman
Are you following the Gary Condit saga? He's like a one-man Supreme Court. He gave himself his own lie detector test � he passed! Today he cross-examined himself and tomorrow I hear he is going to not pick himself out of a lineup. -David Letterman
Now, I don't get this. George W. Bush is in Europe again. Wasn't he just there? This is all part of his second "I'm In Over My Head" tour. -David Letterman
He's in Europe for the G-8 Summit. When asked if George W. could name any of the members of the G-8 he said, "Why sure. Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonderwoman." -David Letterman
President Bush is meeting with other leaders in Italy. This is true, they had to call in police to remove some anarchists. When President Bush heard the news he said, "Good � now send them back to Antarctica!" -Conan O'Brien
India and Pakistan are having a summit to prevent going to war. The feud between the two countries goes back many years ago when a taxi driver crashed into a 7-Eleven. -Craig Kilborn
Celebrities
In a new interview Nicole Kidman says that after her divorce she is much stronger and hopes the right man is still out there. The amazing thing is that Tom Cruise said the same exact thing! -Conan O'Brien
Roseanne says that she has five multiple personalities. She has named each of them: Baby, Suzy, Cindy, Joey and Heather. The one thing they all have in common ... they all like frosting out of the can.-Craig Kilborn
After faking it four times, Drew Barrymore and Tom Green got married over the weekend. They are now looking forward to settling down and raising publicity.-Craig Kilborn
Kathy Lee Gifford is going to write a new tell-all book. She says she is no saint and that her marriage isn't perfect. The title of the book is going to be "Duh!"-Conan O'Brien
Popular Culture
The post office says it will continue to send out mail on Saturdays. The next step for the post office is that it will now concentrate on sending out mail Monday through Friday. -Conan O'Brien
Here's an idea of how hot it was. The Pillsbury Doughboy was sitting on a bench and fell asleep. He crossed his legs and woke up a pretzel.-David Letterman
General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn't that called a sponge?-Jay Leno
The annual Redneck Games were held in Georgia this week. This year some of the contestants were thrown out of the games after they tested positive for teeth.-Craig Kilborn
Justin from Big Brother Two is in the news. He was kicked off after an incident with a knife involving another person on the show. Justin said that being kicked off Big Brother Two wasn't as embarrassing as being on Big Brother Two! -Conan O'Brien
Seventy-nine percent of Americans know the first line to "The Star-Spangled Banner," compared to only 38 percent of Canadians who know the first line to "Oh Canada." That is really sad considering the first line to "Oh Canada" is "Oh Canada"! So we're doing OK. -Jay Leno
A man in Tokyo kept his dead father in his freezer for 13 years so he could bring him back one day. Do you know what he called his dad? Popsicle!-Jay Leno
A 124-year-old woman in Florida passed away. Amazingly, on her block she was known as "the kid."-Conan O'Brien
Business is down at American Express and the company now has to lay off 5,000 workers. The workers will be sent pink slips that just say "Don't leave home."-Craig Kilborn
Sports
The 2008 Olympic Games will be held in China. It'll be nice for Americans to go there for two weeks and not be held against their own will!-Jay Leno
Beijing, China, has been awarded the Olympics for 2008. They have a new track and field event � it's called "running from the tank"! -Jay Leno
They said by moving the Olympics to China that it may force the Chinese to examine their human rights violations. Yeah, it sure worked in Germany in 1936!-Jay Leno
Dennis Rodman says he is itching to make his comeback next year with the Washington Wizards. He also went on to add that he is just itching, period.-Craig Kilborn