Politics

Former president Clinton is now in his office in Harlem. He's trying to be environmental, so he's asking for people to carpool with. Yeah, I'm really sure there are lots of people that work in Harlem that live in Chappaqua.-Jay Leno

Clinton has a nice office, the best equipment, a good staff, and great security. Now all he needs is a job. -David Letterman

Bill Clinton is going to receive more money for his book than Hillary received for hers. Well, duh � his will have sex in it. -Jay Leno

Kenneth Starr spent $50 million to find out if Clinton was lying and we got nothing. Random House pays Clinton $10 million and we get the story. We should have just skipped the impeachment and gone to the book deal and saved us $40 million!-Jay Leno

The other day, with much fanfare, former president Clinton opened his new office in Harlem and the word is President Bush is a little jealous from all the attention Clinton was getting. In fact, now there's talk that Bush might want his own office in the White House, too. -Jay Leno

Former Vice President Al Gore has grown a beard. Did you see him on the news today? He didn't want to grow a beard, it's just that after he lost to George Bush doctors took away any sharp objects.-Jay Leno

A blue-ribbon committee including Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford have released their recommendations on how to make future elections better. I have an idea � how about better candidates?!-Jay Leno

A blue ribbon panel made up of Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter has released its recommendations on improving elections. Are these the two we really want working on this? Between the two of them they only won one election! -Jay Leno

Do you know what President Bush's handicap is at golf? Trying to add up the score. -Jay Leno

While on his vacation Bush still is telling the press that he has a grasp on international affairs. Like yesterday he called the king of Jordan and asked, "When are you coming back to the NBA?" -Jay Leno

President Bush had his yearly exam. He had a proctologist examine him. There was one odd moment when a Secret Service agent took a thumb for the president. -Craig Kilborn

According to the White House, doctors say that George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest � Dick Cheney got his down to zero, didn't he? -Jay Leno

Next week Dick Cheney is going back to his boyhood home in Casper, Wyoming. He is going to visit the old one-room schoolhouse where he had his first heart attack. -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, has passed a bill for a ban on cock fighting. And who said she wouldn't listen to the concerns of New Yorkers? -David Letterman

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. -Jay Leno

Gary Condit

It looks like Condit is being abandoned by the Democratic Party. They want to walk away from this guy. Imagine that � you're being abandoned by the party that stood behond the Kennedys, Gary Hart, Dan Roskinkowsky, Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton. This is like getting kicked out of Sodom and Gomorrah! -Jay Leno

There's a heat wave going on around the country � boy, this is something isn't it? In fact, it was so hot today in Washington that Gary Condit was sticking to his story.-Jay Leno

Bad news for Gary Condit. His hometown paper has called for his resignation. They have also refused to run his single-stud-muffin personal ad.-Jay Leno

Congressman Gary Condit was out in public the other night. He went to see "The Vagina Monologues." He commented, "Too much monologue, not enough vagina." -Jay Leno

Condit does plan to run in 2002. Not for Congress, but from the law!-Jay Leno

Bush's Vacation

President Bush announced that he's going to be away from the White House, taking the entire month of August off. Well, who among us hasn't needed 30 straight days off after working six whole months? -Jay Leno

President Bush will be away from Washington the whole month of August. He said he thinks it's important that our leaders get away from Washington for a while ... well, that's what Dick Cheney told him.-Jay Leno

While on his vacation in Texas, President Bush is saying he is being stalked, that people are following him everywhere he goes. Then someone told him, "Psssssst, that's the Secret Service!"-Jay Leno

President Bush is spending the whole month in Texas, then with all the time he has already spent in Texas this year, and the time he has spent at his parents' home in Maine, and the time it takes to fly back and forth to these places, someone has figured out he will have spent 42 percent of his presidency away from the office. See, Bush will have to win another election in order to finish his first term!-Jay Leno

Here's something I found out today � a record number of school districts all across the country already have kids coming back from summer vacation. Kids are in school already! Some started a week ago. Remember the old days when the president got just two weeks off and the kids got the whole summer?-Jay Leno

President Bush says he's taking 30 days off because being outdoors keeps a person's mind sharp. That works so well for the homeless, doesn't it?-Jay Leno

President Bush traveled to Colorado today. He's taking a vacation from his vacation. -Jay Leno

Last night President Bush attended a baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the Atlanta Braves. A baseball game � where does he find the time in his busy schedule? -Jay Leno

President Bush lashed out at critics for saying his monthlong vacation is too long. Bush said, "Hey, the president on "West Wing" gets four months off. Why is that? Because he's a Democrat?" -Jay Leno

Celebrities

A big birthday today! MTV turns 20 years old today! All week they've been showing some of their best videos. Some of these are so old that Michael Jackson is black! -Jay Leno

If it wasn't for MTV, Vanilla Ice would be an unknown instead of a famous has-been!-Jay Leno

MTV celebrated its 20th birthday yesterday. They had a big special, lots of big stars there. Kid Rock and Aerosmith were there. Even the guy that did "Rico Suave" was there ... he was parking cars. -Jay Leno

'N Sync is on tour. They say that one of the highlights of the concerts are when all five of the 'N Sync members get on mechanical bulls at the same time. This should put to rest all the rumors that they are gay.-Craig Kilborn

Today in court Roger Clinton pleaded guilty to drunk driving. That's not his biggest problem, though. When they asked him his occupation and he replied "singer," they then charged him with perjury. -Jay Leno

Mariah Carey claims that there is a conspiracy of a large number of people to keep her record sales down. I do believe that is called the public! -Jay Leno

Robert Downey Jr. is back to work for the first time since going through drug treatment and rehab. He's working on the set of a music video. There's certainly no drugs there! -Jay Leno

Fidel Castro had a birthday today. Fidel Castro is 75 years old. He's been hinting recently about retiring. So you know what's ironic about that? Castro could end up living in Miami!-Jay Leno

John Gotti was hospitalized and his doctor told Gotti that he has less than a month to live. You know who else has one month to live? John Gotti's doctor!-Craig Kilborn

Drew Carey is OK. He had heart surgery over the weekend. You know, Drew is a little overweight, he wears glasses and he has a clogged artery. Sounds like the Dick Cheney starter kit.-Jay Leno

There is a meeting in the Vatican tomorrow to give Mother Teresea sainthood. There is one problem holding up the process, though. It seems when she was younger she might have bet on baseball. -Jay Leno

Kate Moss is engaged. Her boyfriend bought her a ring and slapped it on her waist! -Jay Leno

Madonna says she is exhausted. She says there is never a day that goes by where she's not thinking about her career, her husband, her family, or her show. Someone should tell her that's life! -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Tourism is down here in New York. Sooner or later the tourists will come back, though. Tourists always come back to New York City - to identify the body!-David Letterman

A 15-year-old boy in New York was ticketed for peeing on a tree in the park. I guess he couldn't make it to the subway.-Craig Kilborn

According to a new study, only one out of four eighth-graders in America can demonstrate a solid understanding of math. Only one out of four. You know what you would call those kids? Asians. -Jay Leno

Can you believe all the shark attacks this year? Still, statistics say you have a better chance of being attacked by a congressman. -Jay Leno

I feel sorry for the people in Florida. They can't go in the water because of sharks, they can't stay on the land because of O.J. -Jay Leno

The title for the new Star Wars Episode Two movie has been released: "Sorry About the Last One!" -Jay Leno

Doctors have announced that in Japan a 60-year-old woman has given birth. The baby is doing well and is being breast-fed cheese.-Conan O'Brien

For $130 you can now buy a computer that will convert whatever your dog barks into English. Hey, how about a computer that converts what women say into English?! -Craig Kilborn

A man in Tronto, Canada, has a robbed a Sunglass Hut. The man is considered armed and extremely happening! -Craig Kilborn

A firm in Lexington, Kentucky, says they will be able to clone a human being by the end of the year. Do we really want anything cloned from Kentucky? They haven't figured out how to clone teeth yet! -Jay Leno

The Miss America Pageant is considering adding an academic competition that would require the contestants to know American history. Do you realize that it now may be harder to become Miss America than it is to become president? -Conan O'Brien

Do you remember hearing about those guys that fell into Lake Ontario? Three guys fell into the water and floated for 17 hours using their beer coolers. To have an idea of how much beer was in the coolers � they turned down three rescue boats so they could finish it off! -Jay Leno

The NAACP had a big meeting this week. They're still not happy with the roles of minorities in Hollywood. NBC fought back, though. They said next week in an episode of "Fear Factor" a black guy will try to drive a car all the way through Beverly Hills! -Jay Leno

A survey says that the most important thing women look for in a man is honesty. The number-one way that women get a man � fake breasts! -Jay Leno

Sports

Big sports news. The Boston Red Sox have fired manager Jimmy Williams right in the middle of a playoff race. Fans in Boston are shocked, asking, "What's a playoff?" -Conan O'Brien