China Spy Plane Incident

An American spy plane is being held in China. The crew is OK. President Bush is getting tough, though. Today he said that if the plane doesn't make it back home, then China can say goodbye to those pandas! -Jay Leno

The situation in China is getting kind of dicey. They say it could hurt trade relations between the U.S. and China. Oh no! we get so much great stuff from China!-Jay Leno

Pentagon officals are worried that China might get a look at our surveillance gear that was on the plane. Hey, all of our electronic stuff is made in China anyway.-Jay Leno

That spy plane deal in China is turning into some sour relations ... well, sweet and also sour.-David Letterman

This China thing is still going on. President Bush is playing hardball, though. Today he said that he not only wants the plane back, but he wants it dry-cleaned, too!-David Letterman

We have a national crisis brewing. Yesterday China demanded that the U.S. apologize for the spy plane that went down. George W. Bush said, "No way, not until you apologize for Pearl Harbor!"-Conan O'Brien

It's day five of the China crisis. President Bush is getting tough -- he's demanding that China give our plane back. Good luck! We can't even get Clinton to return the furniture he took!-Jay Leno

Tomorrow President Bush will throw out the first pitch at the new Miller Stadium in Milwaukee. It's good to see that President Bush isn't letting the China thing get in the way of the important stuff.-Jay Leno

I'm getting worried about this China crisis. I don't trust this George W. Bush guy. Today he looked at the map to find China and saw that it was in red, so he thinks that it voted Republican in the election.-David Letterman

China is now looking for support from Bush's enemies, like Saddam Hussein and Barbra Streisand.-Jay Leno

Looks as if this China thing is in a stalemate. China wants the U.S. to apologize. The U.S. says it won't apologize. We need Bill Clinton back at a time like this � who else is better at saying they're sorry without meaning it? -Jay Leno

More and more details are coming out about the China crisis. The Chinese threatened the American crew with a criminal trial. We didn't back down � we threatened them with Johnny Cochran. -Jay Leno

Politics

Another hand count in Florida concludes that if all the ballots were counted, George W. Bush still would have won the election. I think things are really getting bad now for Al Gore.-David Letterman

USA Today and the Miami Herald conducted a recount of the Florida ballots and Bush still would have won. With the stock market crash and the China crisis, I think Bush is now the one asking for a recount: "Let's give this thing to Gore!"-Jay Leno

This Monday is the 100th day of the Bush administration. I tell you, things are looking very dark for Al Gore! -David Letterman

Sunday President Bush will celebrate his 100th day in office. When asked about it, Bush said, "Gosh, a hundered days. Has it been a year already?" -Jay Leno

Today is "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." This started 25 years ago when Ted Kennedy left an office in D.C. with an 18-year-old. -David Letterman

Today, of course, is "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." Dick Cheney took his daughters to work. They did all of George Bush's daughters' work. -Jay Leno

President Bush took his daughters to work today. They dismanteled 18 environmental regulations!-David Letterman

Some Republicans are saying that George W. Bush has hired too many women into his administration. To be fair, I think Clinton did more. I don't think any president has put women in more positions than Bill Clinton! -David Letterman

President Bush is going to sell weapons to Taiwan. Gee, I hope that doesn't screw up our warm relationship with China!-David Letterman

Did you hear about this story? It seems 19-year-old first daughter Jenna Bush has been issued a citation for alcohol possession by a minor after she was caught drinking in an Austin, Texas, bar. Here's the best part � the Secret Service agents assigned to guarding her said they had no idea she was in there drinking. I'm sure they'll have jobs in the morning! -Jay Leno

Al Gore has gained 30 pounds since losing the election. Friends say that it is due to depression. In a related story, Michael Dukakis has gained 12,000 pounds! -Conan O'Brien

President Bush is there (Summit of the Americas in Quebec) with 34 other world leaders. But I think he's coming home early today. He was voted "The Weakest Link ... Goodbye!" -Jay Leno

President Bush is back from the big trade summit up there in Canada. He enjoyed his time in Canada, but the water tastes funny without arsenic in it. -Jay Leno

Yesterday was Earth Day � or, as George W. refers to it, Sunday!-David Letterman

Let's see what's going on in Washington. Let's start with the big news. President Bush says he wants to put 10,000 more police on the streets � and that's just to keep an eye on Robert Downey Jr.! -Jay Leno

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris � remember her from the election? The one with all the makeup? You know, the one they call Cruela de Bush? She's now being courted by the Republicans to run for Congress in the next election down there. In fact, today she already declared herself the winner! -Jay Leno

The Clintons

Two days ago a Hillary look-alike tried getting into President Clinton's Harlem office. That's a mistake -- if you want to see Clinton, the last thing you should do is say that you're Hillary! -Conan O'Brien

This came as a bombshell, even to her closest aides. Hillary Clinton says she has no intentions of running for president, ever! Well, when a Clinton gives you their word, you can take that to the bank! Yes siree, Bob! -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton says she is never, never, never, ever, never, ever going to run for president. Well, you know what that means � she's going to be running for president!-David Letterman

Here's something interesting. Sources say that Bill Clinton often sneaks back to Washington to be with Hillary. I guess he doesn't want his girlfriends finding out he's seeing his wife.-Jay Leno

Last night Senator Hillary Clinton hosted a party at her new home in Washington. The people said that it was much like the old parties she used to host at the White House. Even the furniture was the same! -Jay Leno

Monica Lewinsky is in the news again. She told Cosmo magazine that if it weren't for Bill Clinton, she'd be married with two kids. Really? Not the way she's doing it! -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Russell Crowe had an April Fools' Day joke played on him. While he was in bed with a woman she said, "April Fools! I'm not actually married!"-Craig Kilborn

As you probably know, Daryl Strawberry turned up after being gone for a couple of days. He turned himself in to a hospital. They tried to sedate him, but then they realized that he was immune to everything they had. -Jay Leno

Congratulations to Jodie Foster! She is pregnant again. She won't say who the father is. She wouldn't say who the father of the first child was either. Today Jesse Jackson was saying he needs to find a woman like that!-Jay Leno

Puff Daddy is in trouble again � oh wait, it's P. Diddy now, he changed his name. Anyway, P. Diddy was pulled over on his motor scooter for an improper lane change. He also had an invalid license. He had an invalid license due to a parking ticket. Gee, once a gangster, always a gangster.-Jay Leno

Michael Jackson says he wants to do a reuinon concert with his brothers at Madison Square Garden. Michael went on to say that he likes Madison Square Garden as much as his brothers like working at the Olive Garden. -Conan O'Brien

Sad news. Ted Turner and Jane Fonda have ended their separation and filed for divorce. Jane immediately left to spend time with her loved ones � the North Vietnamese! -Jay Leno

Joan Collins is dating a man that is 30 years younger than her. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I got that wrong. He's not dating her, he's carbon dating her! -Jay Leno

Joan Collins has a new boyfriend, who is at least 30 years younger. Thirty years younger? That could be anybody on Earth!-Jay Leno

Finally, good news to report! Robert Downey Jr. has been drug-free for about 13 minutes! -Jay Leno

People keep going, What is wrong with this guy (Robert Downey Jr.)? He goes through counseling, people try to help him, but it just goes in one nostril and out the other.-Jay Leno

We make jokes about him, but he can't keep this lifestyle up forever. He's going on 35 years old. That means he only has five more years to sober up and get his life together if he wants to run for president. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Have you seen the new NBC show "The Weakest Link"? They ask a series of questions and take the dumbest people away until the smartest person is left. So it's opposite of how we pick the president. -Jay Leno

Only in California. Saturday was Earth Day and in Malibu they had a big two-mile nature walk. This is the only place in the world where people load up the Lincoln Navigator and drive 150 miles to burn 40 gallons of gas, then walk two miles to preserve the environment. -Jay Leno

The Post Office is going to do away with Saturday delivery. Thank God! I've been telling these people for years that they need to slow down!-David Letterman

Springtime in New York is great! It's that one special time of the year we can stop worrying about mad cow disease and start thinking about the West Nile virus! -David Letterman

So far this year there have been 41 fewer murders in New York City. The rate is down 21 percent! I think that's because we lost an hour on Sunday. It'll go back up!-David Letterman

The TV producer for the show "Cops" was arrested for drunk driving! I'm pretty sure that one won't be airing. He got stopped on his way to meet police in Atlanta for an upcoming episode. Even Daryl Strawberry is shaking his head and saying this guy is stupid!-Jay Leno

In Vienna � this is true � there is a new prostitute delivery service that gurantees your prostitute will be there in 30 minutes or less. If your prostitute isn't there in 30 minutes, you wait! -Craig Kilborn

The Spiderman outfit was stolen from the set of the upcoming "Spiderman" movie. The person that made off with the outfit is considered armed and extremely gay! -Craig Kilborn

American fourth-grade reading skills are better than four years ago. The bad news is it's the same kids in fourth grade that were in the study.-Jay Leno

The American Medical Institute says that less sleep can be attributed to bigger guts on men. So, women, the next time you see your husband sprawled out on the couch for the weekend, he's working out! -Jay Leno

Mattel Toys is closing its last factory in the United States. Moving everything to Mexico. This is a problem for Barbie. She might have to get a green card, maybe marry Ken just to stay in the United States. -Jay Leno

Firestone Tires are making a comeback. Their new slogan is "Making it right." Which is better than the last slogan of "Aggghhh! Look out!"-Jay Leno

Sad news. The inventor of the hot rod, Ed "Big Daddy" Roth, passed away. In honor of him the funeral procession will go by at 128 miles per hour. I hear the funeral will be Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!-Jay Leno

A new study found that babies born today, their college tuition will be $30,000! Isn't that kind of crazy? Who would consider sending their baby to college? I think some of these parents need to slow down! -Jay Leno

Last night the exciting Blockbuster Entertainment Awards were given out. How many watched that thing? Nobody watched that. The Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, or, as they're known in Hollywood, the "paperweights." -Jay Leno

The state of Vermont has been named the whitest state in the country. This is true. You can tell Vermont is the whitest state because there hasn't been a traffic stop in 15 years! -Jay Leno

I was watching the Discovery Channel the other night. They had on the mating habits of hyenas. The male hyena often gets angry with the female during sex. They get very angry. Well, duh! Who wouldn't get angry during sex with the female laughing at you all the time?! -Jay Leno

Here's your tax dollars at work. This is what you paid for on Monday. Researchers at the University of Georgia say they are trying to develop a new sweet potato that doesn't taste sweet. Don't we already have that? It's called a regular potato. -Jay Leno

In New Jersey they are using prison inmates to answer the phones for their tourist hotline. I find that hard to believe, don't you? New Jersey has a tourist hotline? What is that about! -Jay Leno

George Lucas says that the next "Star Wars" movie will have less creatures and war and have more romance in it. The title for the next film is "Less Wookie and More Nookie."-Jay Leno

How's this? Yesterday a small meteor crashed to Earth in the Middle East. How about that? Even God is throwing rocks over there now! -Jay Leno

Men in a survey said that the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. I don't even think an optometrist notices a woman's eyes first! -Jay Leno

Britain is about to be the first country to ban cloning. In England cloning is considered a scary science that shouldn't be practiced � just like dentistry! -Jay Leno

A Beverly Hills security company is selling something called the superbra. Have you heard about this? It's a combination bra and gun holster so women can carry a gun in their bra. This is going to be rough on guys with prom season coming up. Now you have a five-day waiting period before you unhook her bra! -Jay Leno

Sports

A female student at Cal State-Fullerton has been kicked off the track team for moonlighting as a dancer at a strip club. Hey, I think this is OK, a track student moonlighting as strippers -- heck, we have football players moonlighting as students!-Jay Leno

Rumor has it that Michael Jordan is returning to the NBA! I'd just be happy to see the Chicago Bulls return to the NBA! -Jay Leno

The XFL says it will be taking away instant replay. No more instant replay in XFL games. Well, of course � no one watched it the first time! -Jay Leno

This weekend is the XFL championship game! NBC expects viewership to climb into the double digits � maybe 12, 13 or 14 people to watch!-Jay Leno

Did you know this is "National Turn Off Your TV Week"? NBC has done their part � they aired XFL football on Saturday. -Jay Leno

In today's paper I saw that this is "National Turn Off Your TV Week." It is sponsored by the XFL! -Conan O'Brien

Congratulations to the Lakers! They made the playoffs. Last night Shaq had a personal best shooting free throws. He went 13 for 13, which beat his old record of 1 for 13. -Jay Leno