War on Iraq

On Friday Bush ordered the bombing of Iraq. This is becoming sort of a Bush family tradition. In fact, Bush went as far to say today that he can't wait until his kids are able to bomb Iraq as well. -Jay Leno

Who got bombed more over the weekend? Roger Clinton or Saddam Hussein? -Jay Leno

We bombed Iraq on Friday. Saddam Hussein, he's just trouble. He's not going away. In fact, a few weeks ago he was pardoned by President Clinton.-David Letterman

Iraq is still upset about the bombing last Friday. Iraq has gotten hit with all the bombs and all the missiles, still their power will be restored before California's!-Jay Leno

Politics

The Bush administration requires drug tests of all employees. Everyone in the White House has to take one. The first person was George W. Bush, passed it with flying colors. It's nice to see a president unzipping his pants for good instead of evil.-Jay Leno

John Ashcroft began work today as attorney general. He had to take a drug test before starting the job. He leans so far to the right that he missed the cup.-Jay Leno

President Bush attended his first Cabinet meeting today. He was in charge, too! Cheney even let him control the thermostat. -Jay Leno

Some doctors now say that a heart bypass may lead to mental decline in your older years. So Dick Cheney could end up like George W. -Jay Leno

Lots of politics on Capital Hill. Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. -Conan O'Brien

The big story of the day was George W. Bush's speech last night. The speech was interrupted over 80 times for applause. It was also interrupted five times when Dubya was distracted by shiny objects. -Conan O'Brien

President Bush is settling in. Earlier tonight he invited members of the Kennedy family over to watch the movie "Thirteen Days," about the Cuban missile crisis. There was an akward moment when Bush leaned over and said, "Gee I wonder how it ends." -Conan O'Brien

George W. Bush was in Mexico on Friday. While he was there he met with Mexican President Vicente Fox. Fox asked Bush what he thought about NAFTA and Bush replied that he hadn't tried it yet but wants to download some ZZ Top songs. -Jay Leno

The Democrats are going after the Bush tax cut. The Democrats argue under the Bush plan the rich get richer, unlike the Clinton plan where the rich get pardoned! -Jay Leno

President Bush had a conference today to talk about how his tax cut was good for small business. Bush is an expert on small business. Every big business he's tried has ended up being a small business.-Jay Leno

Today marks one month that George W. Bush has been president. Things are starting to look bleak for Al Gore. -David Letterman

More trouble with that election that seemed like it took two years! The people went in and counted the votes and only found Al Gore lost by 140 votes. The Republicans are now stunned that they won this thing legally! -David Letterman

Good news! The big news is the investigation conducted by two Florida newspapers over hand recounts from the election. After all the counting was done Al Gore still lost! When asked about the results, Gore said that he felt better now, knowing he was a legitimate loser.-Conan O'Brien

The Clintons

Clinton didn't want to leave Washington, so he took Washington with him!-Jay Leno

Bill Clinton is still in the news. Some people accuse him of trying to steal the spotlight from George W. Bush. Well, of course. Clinton also stole the fax machine, the coffee maker and the copier. -David Letterman

The latest rumor was that right after the election Al Gore and Bill Clinton had a big argument � even screaming at each other. Gore blamed Clinton for him losing the election due to the sex scandal. Clinton blamed Gore for running a bad campaign. For once they were both right. -Jay Leno

Gore was so mad that he refused to help Clinton carry the dinning room table out to his car.-Jay Leno

George W. Bush went to Camp David over the weekend and found that Clinton took all the furniture from there, too! -David Letterman

Bill and Hillary eluded the White House with a bunch of 19th century antiques, including Strom Thurmond. -David Letterman

Former President Clinton is making 100 grand for making speeches across the country. That's twice as much as what he gets for a pardon! -Jay Leno

Do you know who first broke the pardon story? The National Enquirer! When it came out, Clinton told everyone it wasn't true and no one believed him! Look at the point we have reached � the National Enquirer now has more credibility than the president! -Jay Leno

Are you following the adventures of Hugh Rodham Clinton? The talk is all about this $400,000 bribe and he doesn't know where the money is. He says he hasn't seen it or spent it. I saw him � you don't see it because he spent it all down at the Olive Garden! -David Letterman

You've heard about the pardon deal with Hillary's brother, Hugh Rodham. Well, the good news is that Roger Clinton is no longer the most embarrassing presidential relative. -Jay Leno

Hillary today denied that she knew anything of the deal with Hugh. Well, that settles it, that's the end, when you get a Clinton denial.-Jay Leno

Yesterday former president Clinton rented some new office space in Harlem. While he was there a crowd of people met him in the street to greet him. Clinton went on to say he looks forward to getting to know the people of Harlem, then stealing their furniture.-Conan O'Brien

Harlem?! He finally found a place where the Republicans won't bother him.-Jay Leno

The big story is Bill Clinton's big expensive pad in New York City. The place costs more than all the other presidents combined! I got to thinking. We had former President Jimmy Carter on last week � he should build Clinton one of those Habitat for Humanity homes. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush is trying to get his $1.6 trillion tax cut passed. $1.6 trillion � that's enough to pay Clinton's rent for three months! -Jay Leno

Roger Clinton got a DUI charge over the weekend. Funny, he's still not the most embarrassing member of his family! -David Letterman

They say Roger Clinton's blood alchol level was somewhere between a Kennedy and Yeltsin. -Jay Leno

Today Roger said the whole thing is just a right-curb conspiracy. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush has made the last of his political appoinments and decided to keep Roger Clinton as the most embarrassing presidential relative.-Jay Leno

White House Shooting

The big story is the shooting at the White House yesterday. They say the president was in no danger at the time. Bush was exercising and Cheney was in his office working. What? Shouldn't that be the other way around? Cheney should be exercising, he's had the heart attacks, and Bush is the president anyway, shouldn't he be working? -Jay Leno

The big story is the former IRS employee that fired shots at the White House. The man was arrested and hired by the Post Office.-Conan O'Brien

The man has had no prior criminal record up until now except for a traffic ticket in '93. This marks the first time that the shooter had a better criminal record than the president! -Jay Leno

They say that the last weirdo to get that close to the White House before being stopped was Al Gore!-Conan O'Brien

The White House gunman was on 24 different kinds of medication! After this was found out, he was hired to be on the cast of Aly McBeal.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

In New York an art exhibit is open to the public featuring paintings from gangster John Gotti. Many people have been checking out the exhibit, but no one claims to have seen a thing! -Craig Kilborn

February is Black History Month. Today Jesse Jackson's wife told him, "You're black and you're history!"-Jay Leno

Regis Philbin has found a replacement for Kathy Lee, but Frank Gifford says he's still looking.-Jay Leno

Hugh Hefner now has seven girlfriends. One for each day of the week. Someone needs to tell him that those are nurses! -Jay Leno

Sad news, one of Hugh Hefner's seven girlfriends has left him. She left him to pursue her acting career. Wasn't that already acting, having sex with a 74-year-old man? -Jay Leno

How about Jennifer Lopez? She has the number one album, the number one movie and her boyfriend is number one on the FBI list. -Jay Leno

Sad news. A spokesman for Puff Daddy says he and Jennifer Lopez have broken up. He went on to say, "Puff will have a hard time leaving that behind." -Jay Leno

You knew this was going to end � they been having problems. They've been going out and shooting up separate sites. -David Letterman

Tom Cruise filed for divorce today from his wife of 11 years, Nicole Kidman. He filed on grounds of irreconcilable differences in height.-Conan O'Brien

O.J. Simpson is back in the news again. He says he moved from L.A. to Florida to escape publicity. Well, looks like that plan is working out! -Jay Leno

Do you know what O.J. gave his girlfriend for Valentine's Day? A head start! -Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson is back in the news. It is reported that he has made a porno movie with two women. If this is true, it'll be the second time that O.J. has gotten off in front of the whole country!-Conan O'Brien

Peter Cris, the drummer from Kiss, has quit, he left the band. He wanted to stay but you know Kiss, they have that mandatory retirement at age 65.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

I have a solution for the California energy crisis. Last night I told about how California is importing power from Mexico. You know the hole down at the border? let's put in a revolving door and hook it up to a generator! -Jay Leno

L.A. is now getting electrical power from Mexico. It works pretty good, just have to boil it first.-Jay Leno

Sweeps month begins this week! ABC has announced it will air a live show of a woman giving birth. They call it Must-C-section TV! Are they that desperate for viewers that they have to take them right from the womb?!-Jay Leno

The guy in England who had the hand transplant is having it removed because his body has rejected the new hand. It's bad enough when women reject you, but your own hand?!-Jay Leno

I hate to alarm people, but we have a big problem here in New York. Our sewer pipes are leaking. I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, "New York has sewer pipes?!"-David Letterman

Some college student has sold his soul on eBay for $400. Hillary said, "Heck, $400, at least when I did it I got furniture and a Senate seat! -Jay Leno

Thirteen percent of women say they have said to men "I love you" to get them to have sex. Is that really necessary? On a related note, 80 percent of women say that they say "I love you" to get the men to leave. -Jay Leno

I was watching the Discovery Channel. Did you know that mockingbirds steal songs from other birds? I didn't know birds could use Napster. -Jay Leno

The big finals of the 125th Westminster Dog Show is going on. They crown a dog champion, it takes a victory lap, then it drinks champagne out of a toilet. -David Letterman

I feel bad for people that die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand? -Jay Leno

Scientists at the University of Illinois have found a plastic that repairs itself. Do you know what this means? Cher can live forever! -Jay Leno

On this day 100 years ago Thomas Edison invented the first record player. Before that you could only hear Aerosmith live. -Craig Kilborn

The movie "Hannibal" is still doing good at the box office. Do you know what Hannibal has for breakfast? Eggs and Kevin Bacon! Do you know why Hannibal invited Ralph Nader over? He wanted to eat more greens! Do you know what Hannibal does while watching XFL football? That's a trick question � no one watches XFL football. -Jay Leno

The president of Northwest Airlines has left to become the CEO of Burger King. Great! Now not only is the food bad, but it'll be late as well! -Jay Leno

Nike is downsizing. There won't be layoffs. When Nike downsizes, they just hire smaller children. They eat less � they can pack more of them into the factory at once. -Jay Leno

The Grammys

Steely Dan were the big winners at the Grammys. They won album of the year and I believe the year was 1976! -David Letterman

The controversy at the Grammys tonight was all about Eminem. They say he's anti-gay and anti-women. Well, that pretty much ruins your chances of a date. -Jay Leno

Lots of controversy over Eminem at the Grammys last night. He doesn't like gays, he doesn't like women � hey, I didn't know he was a Republican! -Jay Leno

Did you see Toni Braxton's dress she wore at the Grammys? That thing was more flimsy than a Clinton alibi.-David Letterman

People are still talking about the dress that Toni Braxton wore at the Grammys. Did you see that thing? It went all the way up both thighs. She looked like she just got away from O.J.! -Jay Leno

Law And Order

A Mardi Gras riot happened in Philadelphia. The people were nuts, they went berserk! I haven't seen that much loooting since the Clintons left the White House! -David Letterman

A Philadelphia Mardi Gras celebration turned violent when crowds began to loot. The crowd became rowdy when they found out they were celebrating Mardi Gras in Philadelphia.-David Letterman

A Mardi Gras celebration in Seattle turned into a riot. Police had to use pepper spray on the crowd. Since it was Seattle and the town is preppy, the cops had to use the freshly ground pepper spray. I had no idea they had Mardi Gras in Seattle. Do you suppose the crowd was so drunk they missed New Orleans by 2,000 miles?-Jay Leno

The state of California has started a new state program that trains released criminals to be truck drivers. That's great, let's teach the crooks how to drive. You got the robbery down, you just need to work on your getaway. -Jay Leno

Here's a strange story. In Connecticut a man was arrested for having sex with a cow. When the man was asked what he was thinking at the time, he said he was thinking about a younger, hotter cow. -Craig Kilborn

A janitor at NASA has been arrested for sexual harrassment after pouring bodily fluids into people's coffee. Workers became suspicious when he kept saying that he was good to the last drop!-Conan O'Brien

Mayor Giuliani is stepping up on crime in the city. If you're in a subway shooting, please be responsible and clean up the pool of blood. -David Letterman

Good news! The murder rate here in New York has gone down! Let me tell you, that is a big thing. That's like the Dow Jones average here in New York. The murder rate is down, it dropped a tick. You know what this means, folks? You have a 50-50 chance of making it back to your hotel tonight!-David Letterman

They say that statistic could be misleading, though. They say the murder rate is always low this time of year. Once spring comes, it goes back up. That's because when the snow melts they find bodies!-David Letterman

The New York murder rate is up! Well, thank God we're out of that slump! -David Letterman

An 80-year-old woman in Brooklyn is suing the police department for strip-searching her. She is suing on the grounds of "Why the hell did they stop?!" -Craig Kilborn

An 82-year-old woman is suing the city of Brooklyn because the police department strip-searched her. Do you know what they found? Dust.-Jay Leno

Sports

The XFL starts tomorrow. Now you can watch football where the guys play that weren't good enough to make the San Diego Chargers!-Jay Leno

Did you watch the XFL over the weekend? They had like 27 cameras covering the action. This way you could feel like an actual part of the tedious boredom.-Jay Leno

Did anyone watch the extreme football over the weekend? I don't know ... if I want to watch pretend football, I'll watch the Jets.-David Letterman

Did you enjoy the XFL? I'm excited about it -- it's nice to see L.A. has a losing football team again! -Jay Leno

Are you enjoying the XFL? This weekend's game is featuring the Miami Murderers versus the Seattle Sex Offenders! -David Letterman

The XFL isn't doing well in the ratings. The TV show "Cops" beat the XFL this weekend. That means that people would rather watch NFL stars getting arrested than watch XFL stars play football. -Jay Leno

Saturday afternoon former Green Bay Packer Mark Chmura was found not guilty of sexually assaulting a minor. He and his wife were going to go out on Saturday night, but they couldn't find a babysitter. -Jay Leno

The NBA has given permission to the Vancouver Grizzlies to move to a new city. Good Luck! They can't even move to the front court! -Jay Leno

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman says he may retire. He suffered three concussions this season. If he has one more he'll be an XFL commentator! -Jay Leno