Politics

Are you ready for the debates? Is this the special light-weight division debates? The crackhead versus the deadhead. I can't wait. Did you know that Budweiser is one of the debate sponsers � kind of odd a brewery is supporting two empties! -Jay Leno

When asked about the abortion drug RU-486, George W. Bush thought it was a character from "Star Wars."-Jay Leno

Al Gore ... he once was pro-life, now he's pro-choice. He once was against gun control, now he's for it. He claimed he invented the Internet. Hey, Gore just needs to debate himself! -Jay Leno

Ralph Nader and his supporters were upset he wasn't allowed at the debates. His supporters protested outside the debate and threw television sets into Boston Harbor. Is that right? I mean protesting is one thing, but is that the right way for environmentalists to support the Green Party candidate � by tossing television sets into the ocean? -Jay Leno

We are back! We were off the air for two weeks during the Olympics. We have a big show tonight. It was a big night all around. The debates started tonight � after watching that, I think everyone wished that "Big Brother" was still on. -Conan O'Brien

President Clinton says he has no plans to write a book on the Monica Lewinski affair. But he did say he would play himself in the movie! -Conan O'Brien

Did you catch the debates? It kind of looked like a football game between the Steelers and the Bengals. They both dressed the same, same tie, same coat, same shirt, they both acted the same and they both talked the same. I was starting to think I was watching "The Patty Duke Show."-Jay Leno

Last night George W. said he was pro-life. I bet that got a few laughs from Texas death row inmates. -Jay Leno

Bush was in the Midwest today. Gore was still at the podium: "Can I finish? Let me make one last point!" -Jay Leno

Did you enjoy the debates? Ralph Nader went up 20 points! -David Letterman

I think last night will be the first and last time Jim Lehrer is the most exciting guy in the room. -David Letterman

Bush last night kept accusing Gore of using 'fuzzy math.' Fuzzy math? This coming from a guy that uses fuzzy English. -David Letterman

Last night Dubya accused Gore of using 'fuzzy numbers.' Then today someone explained to Bush that billion and trillion are real numbers. -Conan O'Brien

Before the debate last night, representatives of Bush and Gore argued over the temperature of the room. I guess when it gets cold, Al Gore starts to decompose. -Conan O'Brien

A rumor is going around that Bush might dump Cheney and add John McCain to the ticket. I also heard that Cheney might dump Bush and add Martin Sheen to his ticket. -Conan O'Brien

The Economy

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith is big news right now. She recently received 450 million dollars from her husband's estate after he passed on. Four hundred fifty million? She can really fix up the trailer now! -Jay Leno

Maxim magazine ran an interview with Charlie Sheen. In the interview Sheen claims he slept with over five thousand women! Five thousand � if that is true, we have the wrong guy in the White House. -Jay Leno

Charlton Heston turned 76 today! Happy birthday to him. You can tell he is getting old, though � he gave a speech and talked about the government taking away his gums. -Conan O'Brien

Popular Culture

Wal-Mart stores are going to start selling their own wine. Isn't that bizarre? Now you can get the right chardonnay to go with your corn dog. -Jay Leno

Wal-Mart is now going to sell its own brand of wine at its stores. Wal-Mart also sells guns. This is one-stop shopping for Charlton Heston! -Jay Leno

A man in Las Vegas was caught smuggling a dozen lizards into the United States. He smuggled them in his underpants! He was caught after people saw his fly trying to catch a fly. -Jay Leno

Welcome to New York, everybody! It was a beautiful day here in New York today. It was so nice that the cab drivers thought it was springtime and took their annual showers. -David Letterman

It has been so nice recently that New Yorkers are no longer going down to the subway to urinate. -David Letterman

The big fall premiere for CBS shows aired tonight. Bette Midler has her own show here on CBS. I guess CBS is going after that coveted over-50-gay-male viewer.-David Letterman

"The Fugitive" is back on CBS! I can't wait to see that one. The new fugitive series is featuring a man who is falsely accused of murdering his wife. He moves to Miami by a golf course and swears he'll find the killer. -David Letterman

Sports