Politics

A lot has happened in the last week. Vladimir Putin has been elected the new president of Russia. They said he will bring some new things to the Russian presidency, like a liver. -Jay Leno

Republican candidate, George Bush said that he doesn't like the Secret Service hanging around all the time. He says they look too much like narcs. No, he said he is more comfortable with the Texas Rangers. That's who guards him. Considering his drug use, I think the Dallas Cowboys would be better. -Jay Leno

Did you hear about the prime minister of Japan? Wow, this is serious. He had a stroke and is a coma. They are scrambling to find a successor. On the good side, it gives Americans some idea what it'd be like with Al Gore as president. -Bill Maher

Here's bad news. The Japanese Prime Minister is now clinically brain dead. On the bright side, this must be very encouraging for George W. Bush. -David Letterman

Today is the birthday of the Rev. Martin Luther King. Al Gore, never losing the opportunity to pander, was at his alma mater speaking about how blacks are lacking in access to the internet. He said he will not be happy until there is a computer in the home of every black person and they start naming their daughters "pentium." -Bill Maher

Yesterday, Vice President Al Gore got caught in some more exaggerations. We love Al but he does tend to exaggerate. Remember he invented the internet? I guess he hosted a fund raiser attended by 50 gay and lesbian activists. He not only told them that he wrote the song "YMCA" he told them that he was the cowboy in the Village People. -Jay Leno

Al Gore has begun his search for a vice presidential running mate. He is looking for a beloved figure with a high media profile that people respect. Unfortunately, his first choice is being sent back to Cuba next week. -Craig Kilborn

Thirty five more Cubans were taken into custody after making it to the Florida Keys. I understand that their fathers are coming next week.-Jay Leno

Here's what happened today. The United States government sent a letter warning the relatives of Elian Gonzalez. I am thinking "Oh, great that will speed things up. Get the US Post Office involved." -David Letterman

Have you been following the Hillary Clinton-Rudolph Guiliani senate race? It has taken a turn. Hillary Clinton is ahead in the polls. So I guess next week Mayor Guiliani is going to begin Plan B. He's going to have her roughed up by the police. -David Letterman

Monica Lewinsky says that she is going to vote for Hillary Clinton in the New York senate race. I am sure that Hillary is thrilled about that. She not only has the woman's vote but now she has the Other woman's vote. -Jay Leno

There are rumors that Monica Lewinsky may be considering becoming a lesbian. Apparently Monica was turned off to men when she was betrayed by Linda Tripp.-Craig Kilborn

Celebrities

Hey good news for Charlie Sheen. A judge, in Malibu has ended his probation 71 days early. The bad news. Halle Berry is picking him up at the court house.-Jay Leno

Bad news for Bill Gates. Janet Reno was up there saying "This guy broke the law and made illegal activities." She told him in a cute way: "You've got jail!"-Bill Maher

Bill Gates lost 12.1 billion dollars. That ties the old record, it was 3 tourists taking a cab to LaGuardia, lost the same amount. -David Letterman

Geraldo Rivera and his wife are splitting up. She says the reason she is divorcing Geraldo is because she is married to Geraldo. -Craig Kilborn

Willie Nelson said the biggest high of his life was when he got to smoke dope on the roof of the White House. He must have taken a different tour than I took.-Jay Leno

In an article in People magazine, Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss says she had sex the very first day in prison, with a man. Did I say Heidi Fleiss? I meant to say Robert Downey Jr.-Craig Kilborn

Mike Tyson makes his acting debut in a new movie called "Black and White." It opens tomorrow. It should be "Black and Blue" with Tyson. It also stars Robert Downey, Jr. When was this movie made? Has there ever been a time in history when Mike Tyson and Robert Downey Jr. were out of jail at the same time? -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Apparently, the leaders of another crazed cult have barricaded themselves inside their compound. But enough about Microsoft. They'll work it out. -Jay Leno

Amtrak now has their own web site. But be careful. I logged on the Amtrak web site and not only did my computer crash, it rolled down an embankment. -Jay Leno

Did everyone remember to change your clocks? Here's what happened. Amtrak forgot to change their clocks and today every one of their trains arrived on time. -David Letterman

According to the British Dental Journal, eating cheese helps prevent cavities. British Dental Journal. Hmm, isn't that a little like the Amish Stereo Review? -Jay Leno

You want to know hot the 1040 Tax form got it's name? For every $50 you make, you get 10 and the government gets 40. -Jay Leno

And here is the big story, doctors in Washington say that John Hinckley Jr., the idiot that tried to assassinate President Reagan, he is now well enough to be let out to wander the streets of Washington DC on his own. He can go out on field trips by himself. What a strange country we live in. We send a 6 year old back to Cuba but Hinckley, "La La La..I'm going to the gunshow in Virginia." -Jay Leno

The government officials have charged 25 employees of Federal Express with importing and distributing over 100 tons of marijuana. I guess the tip off was the 500 packages going to Whitney's house. -Jay Leno

Today is Frank Woolworth's birthday, founder of the five and ten cent store. You know how he died? He was nickled and dimed to death. -Jay Leno

John and Patsy Ramsey agreed to a lie detector test under certain conditions. They want Regis to ask the questions. They want 3 lifelines. -Jay Leno

John and Patsy Ramsey say they are willing to take a lie detector test under one condition. No questions about the death of their daughter Jon Benet. They'll talk about their vacation, the house in Atlanta but no questions about Jon Benet. This is true they agreed to take a lie detector test not because they want to cooperate but they can't remember which one did it. -Jay Leno

The crime rate here is getting a bit frightening. On the way to work I heard that some guys busted into Bloomingdales and steal 3000 cashmere sweaters. Police are describing the suspects as armed and casual. -David Letterman

It was 22 years ago today that a Frenchman ate an entire bicycle. They broke it down, ground it up. Chain, spokes, wheels, everything. To this day, he says he cannot get rid of the spare tire.-Jay Leno

The state of California says that our prisons will be full by the year 2001. So if you are a rap star, make your reservations now. -Jay Leno

Big strike in Los Angeles. Thousands of janitors have gone on strike. They say they want higher wages, greater respect and dignity. In other words, they don't want to be janitors.-Craig Kilborn

Here's bad news for New York, the murder rate is up 13 per cent over last year. As a result, Mayor Giuliani is putting more police on the street. I'm thinking "Now wait a minute, isn't that what caused the murder rate to go up?" -David Letterman

Elian Gonzalez' father has put off his trip to the US. He's waiting for a strong breeze. -Jay Leno

You know that human ring that they formed around the house of Elian Gonzalez? Come to find out, that was just to keep his drunk uncles from driving. -Bill Maher

The people around Elian's house started out chanting, "Hell no, he won't go." Then they started drinking. And by nightfall, it was "Come baby, shake your body, do the Conga." -Bill Maher

According to a report from the White House drug director or whatever you call him, the price of illegal drugs in this country is at an all time low. Crack cocaine and heroin the cheapest they have ever been. Finally, some good news for Whitney Houston for a change.-Jay Leno

Have you filled out your census form? That's bad enough because the long form is like 40 pages long. And then on the 23rd we have to get together for a group photo. Did you know that? -David Letterman

I hope that you aren't alarmed by this, but the murder rate in New York City is up 13%. It's just New York's way of making things easier for the census takers. -David Letterman

After a 10 year run, the show Beverly Hills 90210 is finally coming to an end because producers don't know what to do with the cast after they graduate college. Hey I have an idea. How about drama school?-Craig Kilborn

Looks like Diana Ross is getting back together with the Supremes. They are going on the road together this summer. Who would have thought that the Supremes would get back together and Microsoft would break up??? -Jay Leno

The FDA has approved a new impotence pill. There is a new one called Uprima. Viagra takes up to an hour to kick in, whereas Uprima takes effect in fifteen minutes. In fact the slogan is "the quick picker-upper." -Bill Maher

Queen Elizabeth made a million and a half dollars on her internet stock. And some gossip, the Queen likes to get on the internet, but she likes to remain anonymous. You know what that means? She is a closet queen. -Jay Leno

I went to that Arista 25th anniversary celebration and Whitney Houston was great. She sang 6 hits on stage and did 25 hits offstage. -Jay Leno

Here's one of those "Only in California" stories. Up in Santa Cruz, the world's first Bed and Breakfast for marijuana users is open. A hotel for people who want to smoke dope. They have a parking lot but nobody can find their car. The only hotel that never had a request for a wake up call. Wouldn't they be paranoid? The maid knocks and 30 toilets flush at the same time. -Jay Leno

The culture is much different in Havana, Cuba. The big hit TV show there is "Who Wants to Win a Live Chicken?"-David Letterman

Oprah is going to debut a new magazine, called "O." The publishers say that Oprah will appear on the cover of every issue. Although they do promise to get someone else for the swimsuit issue. -Conan O'Brien

An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the fur of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who would rather die than dress casual. -Conan O'Brien

The city of Chicago turned down a proposal to name a street after Hugh Hefner. They turned it down when they realized that there was no such thing as a 3-way street. -Conan O'Brien

Happy Birthday to the "Etch a Sketch" toy. It turns 40 years old this week. Or as it's known in Russia, a computer.-Craig Kilborn

Saturday it was 70 degrees and beautiful. Beautiful Spring day. Then, Sunday it was about 20 degrees and we got 10 inches of snow. Here in the city, Mayor Guiliani was right on the snow. As soon as it started to snow, he had the police shoot it.-David Letterman

The other day while making a speech at a high school, an activist for abstinence actually told a group of teenagers that whenever they feel the need to have sex, instead they should have a Snickers bar. She did NOT say where to put the Snickers bar. -Conan O'Brien

Sports

The NFL Draft is one week away. This is where all the best players in college football sit by their phone and hope they don't get picked by the New Orleans Saints.-Jay Leno