Politics

I had a very exciting weekend. I was at the Washington Correspondents dinner. Had dinner with the president. Sat next to the president. I think the entree was Pheasant Under Oath. -Jay Leno

We joke about it but it was an honor. We got a personal tour of the White House living quarters. Saw the Lincoln Bedroom where Lincoln slept. The Roosevelt Bedroom where Roosevelt slept. The Clinton Bedroom where everyone slept. -Jay Leno

In Al Gore's $500 million crime plan, he has called for drug testing of prison inmates. What happens if you flunk the test, do you go to "prison prison? You are already in prison.-Jay Leno

At a White House conference on teenagers, First Lady Hillary spoke of the pivotal period between childhood and responsible adulthood. Or as Bill calls it, "my presidency." -Jay Leno

Secretary of State Madeline Albright chewed out the entire State Department for not being careful enough with National Security and top secret files. She made a good point. If we allow other countries to steal our most classified information, how are we suppose to sell it to the Chinese? -Jay Leno

The President's African American Secret Service agents have filed a discrimination suit against the government today. The government say that it's just not working out. Every time some yells out "get down", they start dancing. -Craig Kilborn

This place (Maricopa County Jail) reminds me of the White House. Everybody claims to be innocent, there's a lot of illicit sex and you spend your days picking up trash. -Bill Maher

In an effort to keep his law license from being revoked, Bill Clinton says that his testimony in the Monica Lewinsky case is not false, as he defines the term. See, to Clinton, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, those are three different things.-Jay Leno

It was so hot today in Texas, that George Bush was frying inmates on the sidewalks. -Jay Leno

The President and Mrs. Clinton spent the weekend with old friends in Little Rock, Arkansas raising $100,000 for her New York senate campaign. That's a switch. Usually when Bill and Hillary get together with friends in Arkansas, they are trying to raise bail money.-Jay Leno

John McCain has now officially endorsed George W. Bush for president. And when I say officially, I mean, boy that was apparently a bitter pill for McCain to swallow. He said "I look forward to enthusiastically campaigning for George Bush." Literal translation: I will stop calling him a jackass at dinner parties. -Bill Maher

Well, Senator John McCain has officially endorsed George W. Bush for president. Did you see how stiff McCain was making the announcements? He looked about as comfortable as John Rocker at the Gay Pride Parade. -Jay Leno

An Arkansas court recommended that President Clinton be disbarred. Not that he really wanted to be a lawyer after he gets out of office, but he was planning on saving a few bucks by handling his own divorce. -Bill Maher

Yesterday former presidents Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter joined President Clinton at the White House. Did you see the 3 of them, on the news, standing there. They looked like the K-Mart version of Mt. Rushmore. -Jay Leno

The first organizers have already arrived in Washington for the Million Mom March going on Sunday against handguns. The President said he fully supports a million women marching on Washington, in fact, he said he once had a dream where that happened. But Hillary woke him up before anything good happened. -Bill Maher

Apparently, Al Gore doesn't attract women in the polls. That is a big problem for him. But I'm thinking that after all we have been through, isn't that a positive thing?-David Letterman

Al and Tipper Gore will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary this Friday. In lieu of gifts, the Gores have asked that friends just send illegal campign contributions.-Jay Leno

George W. Bush accused Al Gore of trying to "scare the elderly." In response, Gore said "That's ridiculous." Then launched into a speech entitled "Vote for me or else you'll never see Angela Lansbury" again. -Conan O'Brien

Al Gore has agreed to play himself in the season finale of the Fox cartoon "Futurama." In a related story, George W. Bush said he is going to get really stoned and watch "Scooby Do." -Conan O'Brien

Rudy Giuliani vs. Hillary Clinton

This just in. Mayor Rudy Giuliani is running for mayor of Splitsville.-David Letterman

Let me get this straight. Hillary Clinton is the senate candidate with the stable marriage. Is that how it works? -David Letterman

Hillary is so confidant, she is raising cash legally. -David Letterman

This whole thing with Mayor Giuliani has been painful. Painful to him and painful to Hillary. She wrenched her back doing cartwheels. -David Letterman

Hillary Clinton said that since she became a candidate, she and the President are now experiencing a "role reversal." Until she began her run for senate, she had no idea that there was so much sweet tail. -Conan O'Brien

It was so hot today, Hillary Clinton is pretending to be a Canadian. -David Letterman

Mayor Giuliani announced he is seeing another woman and seeking a separation from his wife. The guy who took all the sex out of Times Square has put it in City Hall.-Bill Maher

Mayor Giuliani is running against Hillary Clinton for the senate. Hillary is apparently very depressed about this. She said if I wanted to spend the next 6 months battling an adulterer, I would have stayed at home. -Bill Maher

Remember when Mayor Giuliani said he wanted to post the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Well, now he is down to nine. -Jay Leno

This is something, huh? The mayor of New York in a sex scandal. In fact, Hillary Clinton said that this is so embarrassing for New York that she is glad she doesn't really live there.-Jay Leno

They announced that the marriage was over and immediately after the announcement, Rudy Giuliani went to Times Square and reopened all the strip clubs.-David Letterman

Bad news for the Mayor - his wife, Donna Hanover, is suing for divorce. So pretty soon the Mayor will Hanover two cars and the keys to the summerhouse. -David Letterman

Say what you will about Hillary, she doesn't let a little thing like a girlfriend get in the way of her marriage? No, not at all. -David Letterman

Hillary Clinton says that out of respect, she wishes reporters would stop asking Mayor Giuliani about his marriage problems. She stuck up for him. Meanwhile, Giuliani's wife said out of respect, she wishes President Clinton would stop calling her.-Conan O'Brien

Things were pretty dull here in New York. It's been 24 hours since we have had a startling announcement from Mayor Rudy Guiliani. -David Letterman

Next week, the mayor is saying that he will decide whether he's running for the senate. WHAT? Here's the problem, we are 6 months into the campaign and he hasn't decided whether he is going to run. -David Letterman

Yesterday Mayor Giuliani was out playing golf. That's unbelievable to me. He's having an affair, he's playing golf. This guy doesn't want to be mayor, he wants to be president. -David Letterman

Hillary says she plans to devote herself to improving the life of New Yorkers. What? She's moving back to Arkansas? -David Letterman

Rudy Giuliani stepped down because he's facing his mortality. He realized that any day his wife could kill him. -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton is going to be your next senator. I think it's only fair; I mean after 18 years of Bill, you ought to give somebody else in the family a chance to embarrass the Clintons. -David Letterman

Rick Lazio is Hillary's new opponent for the New York Senate. He's more liberal than Giuliani; he supports a woman's right to choose whereas Giuliani supports his right to choose a woman. -Bill Maher

Celebrities

Earlier tonite on ABC, Kathie Lee and Frank Lee Gifford were on 20/20 talking to Diane Sawyer. Where is the blackout when you really need it? -David Letterman

Kathie Lee Gifford was interviewed on 20/20. She said that when she found out about her husband's affair, she said she wanted to kill him. Instead, she came up with a punishment worse than death; she made up with him. -Conan O'Brien

Did you see the celebrity version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Kathie Lee was a contestant on the program. That was kind of an embarrassing moment. I guess she used one of her lifelines to call her husband Frank and I guess that flight attendant answered the phone. -Jay Leno

Did you see the celebrity "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Kathie Lee was on there last night and she topped out at $33,000. Did you see the question that she missed? I think it was "What is the minimum wage?" -Jay Leno

Kathie Lee Gifford in trouble again. An international labor organization is accusing Gifford of paying workers in China 3 cents an hour for 14 hours a day. Reached for comment, Kathie Lee said "Who authorized that raise?"-Craig Kilborn

Tonya Harding was sentenced to 3 days in jail and 10 days on a road crew for beating up her boyfriend with a hubcap. Is that a good idea. Isn't that where you find hubcaps, on the highway? Isn't that like sending O.J. to work at Benihana's? -Jay Leno

Regis Philbin is marketing his own line of men's clothing. All of Regis' clothing will be wrinkle-free which is more than you can say for Regis -David Letterman

Mike Wallace's birthday. He's 82. 60 minutes is now his life expectancy. You should have seen the party they threw for him. They had a registered nurse jump out of a giant bran muffin. -Jay Leno

Somebody has been sending death threats to the Spice Girls. British Police believe the culprit is someone who hates the Spice Girls and they have narrowed it down to the entire world.-Craig Kilborn

Did you hear the big news? Rapper Bobby Brown found guilty of violating his probation after recent tests indicate he'd doing cocaine again. Whitney Houston is standing by her man. She says that gram for gram he's the best husband around. -Craig Kilborn

Remember Paula Jones? She's going to pose nude in Penthouse magazine. She's doing it to kick off her New York Senate campaign.-David Letterman

Doctors believe that Paula Jones is in the third stage of being a Clinton girlfriend. Stage 1 is where you get groped. Stage 2 is you sue for harassment. Stage 3 you pose naked in Penthouse.-David Letterman

Paula Jones in Penthouse. What is the opposite of Viagra? -David Letterman

It was announced today that Paula Jones, the women who started the whole Clinton scandal, has agreed to do a nude photo spread for Penthouse. And when it comes out, she's going to sue every man who looks at it. -Conan O'Brien

It has been rumored that Brooke Shields is engaged to a comedy writer that she met on the set of "Suddenly Susan." Which begs the question, what was a comedy writer doing on the set of "Suddenly Susan?" He was probably picking up laundry. -Conan O'Brien

Stallone says he wants to star in it (Rocky 6) by himself, write it by himself, direct it by himself and produce it by himself. If he does, chances are he'll be watching it by himself. -Jay Leno

Elizabeth Taylor and Julie Andrews honored by Queen Elizabeth. Hey that's something new. A queen who likes Elizabeth Taylor and Julie Andrews. -Jay Leno

The artist formally known as Prince is in the news. He held a giant press conference to announce that he would like people to go back to calling him Prince. Later, the journalists held a press conference saying they'd like to be known as the reporters who didn't show up because they don't care anymore.-Conan O'Brien

Happy Birthday to Dennis Hopper. He turns 64. Or 25 in years he actually remembers. -Craig Kilborn

Madonna's boyfriend was arrested for beating a guy right outside of Madonna's home. Apparently the guy was trying to shove his way inside Madonna's room without taking a number.-Craig Kilborn

Yesterday, 66-year-old Larry King and his 40-year-old wife gave birth to their second child. The mother is doing fine, but she says she's still a little grossed out by having sex with Larry King.-Conan O'Brien

Popular Culture

Yesterday was the big Gay and Lesbian rally in Washington D.C. It was a huge rally. And very orderly. They only had 1 arrest. Someone broke into the Lincoln bedroom and tried to redecorate. -David Letterman

Mayor Giuliani announced yesterday that he is going to start seizing the cars driven by problem motorists. He'll take the cars away. Guiliani described problem motorists as anyone who has a bumper sticker that says "Hillary for Senate."-Conan O'Brien

Our long national nightmare finally over. Last night the NBC miniseries "the 70's" came to an end. The 70's weren't much different than now. In the 70's, Bill Gates had about about 200 bucks in his pocket, Michael Douglas was dating 23 year olds, we had a president in the White House named Tricky Dick. Everything is the same. -Jay Leno

I was reading about this super thin fiber optic cable they have now. It is 1/100th of an inch thick. They say it is even thinner than the thread the Lakers are hanging from. -Jay Leno

Thousands of people stood in line in New Jersey to buy lottery tickets for a jackpot that is worth $150 million. When asked what they would do if they won, the only thing everyone could agree on is everyone would move out of New Jersey. -Conan O'Brien

On Dateline, they had a guy from Utah with 5 wives and 29 kids on trial for bigamy. 29 kids. That's not a family, that is a Nike factory.-Jay Leno

Last night was the conclusion of the CBS miniseries 'Jesus.' How many of you read the book? I thought the book was so much better. -Jay Leno

Speaking of good movies, Mission Impossible is great. I love the Mission Impossible movies. I always loved how a character thought they were talking to one person and then they peeled the mask off and it turned out to be someone else. Kind of like when you get married. For the first couple of months it's okay, then they peel off the mask. -Jay Leno

When the weather is this nice in New York, everybody is in a great mood. Today I saw a cop just wound an unarmed man. -David Letterman

It was so hot today I saw a couple of cops shooting an unarmed man with squirt guns. -David Letterman

Anybody get infected by that email virus, the "I Love You" virus? I don't who started this thing. Women, you know it was probably a guy. Who else says 'I love you', then ruins your life and boom, they are out the door. -Jay Leno

It looks like there is finally a break in the "I love you-Love Bug" virus case. Authorities are getting ready to press charges against a 23 year old man in the Philippines. I wonder how the women feel about that. The only guy in the world who isn't afraid to say 'I Love You' and they want to put him in jail. It hardly seems right. -Jay Leno

Microsoft is trying to head off a breakup by proposing their own restrictions. I say let Bill Gates own anything he wants. But first he has to fix Windows so that an email from some kid in the Philippines doesn't ruin everyone's hard drive. How about that? -Bill Maher

Drew Carey starred in Geppetto on ABC. About a middle aged man and his desire to have a real live boy, which was the real life story of Michael Jackson. -Jay Leno

Philadelphia has become the first big city school district to require uniforms on all its students. They are doing this because they say that it cuts down on violence. Yeah right. It's works for the NFL. -Jay Leno

An elementary teacher in Lexington, KY has pleaded guilty to moonlighting as a prostitute. Gives new meaning to the phrase "My teacher sure is easy." -Jay Leno

Next week after 10 years of shows, the Fox network will air the final episode of Beverly Hills 90210. The cast said it's been a great run and they look forward to a career of game shows and 'where are they now' specials. -Conan O'Brien

The big story in Hollywood is the famed Beverly Hills madam, Baby Doll Gibson sentenced to 3 years in prison today for pandering. With good behavior, she'll be out in 18 months. And with really good behavior she'll be out next weekend.-Jay Leno

They said that Baby Doll Gibson recruited young models for her prostitution business. Prosecutors said she exploited these gullible young women who were not very smart and dazzled them with liquor and the lure of money and glamour. That's not pandering, that's show business.-Jay Leno

The NRA announced plans today to open a theme restaurant in NYC. This is not a place you want to argue with the waiter. There's a 3-day waiting period once you order your meal.-Jay Leno

It was reported today that the NRA is going to open a theme restaurant in Times Square. I'm just not sure they know what they're doing because their slogan is "Guns don't kill people; our high-cholesterol fried chicken kills people." -Conan O'Brien

The NRA is opening a theme restaurant down in Times Square - it's going to be called Planet Homicide. The house special is "Chicken NRA" which comes served face down with a bullet in its back!-David Letterman

Students at a college in Wisconsin have an annual nude soccer game. This year officials are trying to lure students away by having a pancake breakfast. Actually, I think their plan is to keep the really fat kids from playing in the game. -Conan O'Brien

NASA announced that 87 of John Glenn's 88 tests conducted in space last year were successful. In fact, the only test that Glenn wasn't able to complete successfully was when they asked him to program a VCR. -Conan O'Brien

The Playboy Channel had their first ever interactive movie. Of course, it should be noted that if you're a man, all their movies are interactive. -Craig Kilborn

Scientists in Australia say they have discovered a new tranquilizer that is effective on turtles. How would they even know? A turtle on tranquilizers - boy that sounds like the perfect pet for Al Gore. -Jay Leno

A new report says girls begin experiencing sexual harassment as early as high school. I think that's a pretty good time to start learning how our government works.-Craig Kilborn

Sports

The Lakers lost to the Trail Blazers - 106 to 77. The Clippers are sitting at home saying, "We could have done that!" Last night the best thing about the Lakers was Shaq's free throw shooting.-Jay Leno