Politics
Al Gore and George W. are in a dead heat. Lazio and Hillary are in a dead heat and President Clinton ... well, he's just in heat. -David Letterman
Recently at a campaign rally a woman mooned George W. Bush. She had the words, "Raise the minimum wage!" written on her rear. The handwriting was that of President Clinton!-Conan O'Brien
John McCain is cancer free. However, he still has pain in his jaw. Doctors say that this is from trying to keep a straight face while campaigning for George W. Bush. -Bill Maher
Last night in his speech Colin Powell called for the reduction of the number of people in our correctional facilities. "George W. said, "I'm executing them as fast as I can!"-Jay Leno
Tomorrow there will be a double execution in Texas. Not only is this rare, but one of the death row inmates scheduled to get zapped is mentally retarded. George W. says he's just being inclusive.-Bill Maher
Texas executed two men last night. One of the inmate's last words were "Kiss my ass!" Governor Bush wasn't too thrilled with the words, stating, "I'm being compassionate and that's the thanks I get!"-Bill Maher
George W. Bush says if elected he'll make trade with Central America a priortiy. Officials in Colombia think this is great because Bush did a lot of businesss with them in the '70s.-Jay Leno
President Clinton is back from his trip to Africa. While in Africa he was presented with a tribal robe. This is the first time Clinton has returned from a trip with a robe that doesn't say Ritz-Carlton. -David Letterman
There is now a feud going on between Clinton and Bush Sr. Barbara Bush said she rued the day the Bushes left the White House and that she longed for the days when the lies were about taxes and the stains were vomit. -Bill Maher
I hear George Bush Sr. is mad at Clinton for attacking W. I mean, sure, W. ducked Vietnam, did drugs, can't remember the '70s � but why is Clinton attacking him? They're the same guy! -Jay Leno
Polls show Al Gore out in front. Gore has become so confident that he is now raising campaign funds legally!-David Letterman
Hey! Hi! I know why you're all happy ... the entire West is on fire! In fact, the smoke, they say, is thicker than last week's Republican convention. And if you're worried about important structures being lost ... don't worry, our nuclear secrets are safe in China! -Bill Maher
Clinton was in Chicago this week speaking to the Trial Lawyers of America, which may have been the only time Clinton was ever the most honest guy in the room. -Jay Leno
Everyone is trying to be diverse in this election. Bush is going after the Hispanic vote, Gore chooses a Jew for a running mate, Buchanan picks a black woman ... what is Ralph Nader going to do? Pick a transsexual Eskimo as a running mate? -Jay Leno
Fidel Castro turned 65. He's thinking about retirement. Hey, this means he could end up in Miami!-Jay Leno
Now this is not political, but former President Ford had a stroke last night ... although it did cause some confusion with the delegates. When he stumbled, they couldn't figure out if it was serious or just for old time's sake. -Bill Maher
Some Republicans are thinking Bush should maybe dump Cheney now. Democrats are so impressed with Lieberman they are suggesting that he dump Gore! -David Letterman
The Reform Party is holding their convention this week. Everyone is wondering how a party founded by Ross Perot, taken over by Pat Buchanan and abandoned by Jesse Ventura can be in trouble. -Craig Kilborn
Have you heard about Zola Foster, the Reform Party vice presidential candidate running with Pat Buchanan? Turns out she once received one year of workman's comp. for a mental illness when in fact she was OK. Even though she's a welfare cheat, it is good to know someone in the Reform Party is not crazy! -Jay Leno
Hollywood loves Al Gore. Already there are movies being produced about a robot and a rabbi. -Bill Maher
Al Gore is having problems trying to get the liberal faction and conservative faction of the Democrats to come together. Liberals are big on environment, and the conservatives are for the death penalty. So Al Gore will soon unveil his solar-powered electric chair.-Jay Leno
Did anyone hear about the band Asleep at the Wheel performing at an Al Gore fund raiser? Is that a good band for Gore? The Reform Party had a fund raiser with the Insane Clown Posse. -Jay Leno
President Clinton met Al Gore in Michigan yesterday in a ceremonial passing of the baton. After receiving the baton Gore boiled it in water, saying, "I don't want to know where that thing has been!" -Conan O'Brien
OK, the conventions are over and in case you're still confused, the Democrats are the conservative-family values party and the Republicans are the ones that love Mexicans. -Bill Maher
Did you hear about Clinton and this woman the other day? She had the President sign her shirt and then she flashed him! The woman was soon wrestled to the ground, not by the Secret Service but by Clinton. -Jay Leno
Speaking of Clinton, some woman flashed the President after he autographed her shirt. Wheeew! We got time for one more impeachment! Only this time it'll just be about ink stains.-David Letterman
Gore and Lieberman have been on a riverboat campaign tour on the Mississippi River the past week. Originally they had tickets on United. -Jay Leno
George W. Bush accused Al Gore of scaring seniors into voting for Gore. Gore said that was nonsense and went into a speech saying that if he wasn't elected you could say good-bye to Angela Lansbury.-Conan O'Brien
The Republican Convention
The Republicans are really trying to push diversity. When the cameras at the convention pan the audience, they always show a black, a Hispanic ... you know how they do that? All of those people are played by ... Eddie Murphy! -Jay Leno
Each night of the GOP convention has a theme. Last night it was 'Strength and Security with a Purpose,' which is in contrast to the other night, which was 'Negroes: Not All of Them Are Scary.' -Bill Maher
They brought out all the old, musty Republicans last night. Bob Dole spoke after Teddy Roosevelt IV and Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. He was actually supposed to speak first, but he's on Viagra, so he had to wait an hour before he reached his full potential! -Bill Maher
Last night at the GOP convention, McCain repeatedly called Bush his "friend." It sounded a lot like Hillary calling Bill her "husband." -Jay Leno
The Democratic Convention
The Democrats say their focus at the convention is on real people. What better place to find real people than in L.A. Yeah, look at some of the people at the convention � Barbara Striesand, Jack Nicholson and Hugh Hefner ... all just your regular Joe Six-Pack. -Jay Leno
A Monica lookalike has been crashing Democratic parties this week. Have you seen her? She looks close to Monica ... close, but no cigar!-Jay Leno
Bill Bradley electrified the crowd tonight ... literally. They used cattle prods to keep everyone awake!-Bill Maher
The Democrat delegation is very diverse. 211 gay and lesbian delegates are at the convention and one transsexual. A former-woman-now-man from Minnesota is the transgender delegate. When asked about thoughts on George W. Bush the transsexual delegate replied, "I know a phony Bush when I see one!"-Bill Maher
All the political parties are being inclusive. The Democrats opened their convention with an 8-year-old Hispanic boy singing the National Anthem. I think Janet Reno may have been a little drunk or something. Right in the middle of the "Star-Spangled Banner" she rushed the stage, grabbed the boy and yelled, "You little bastard! You're going back home!" -Bill Maher
Clinton says he'll be leaving after the first day of the Democratic convention. Yup, he'll endorse Gore, but he won't stick around to hear him speak! -Conan O'Brien
The gay and lesbian faction of the Democrats are having their own convention in Palm Springs this week. Their own convention. Well, you can tell who's who ... the guys are at the pool and all the women are out playing golf! -Bill Maher
Last night Jesse Jackson gave a razzling speech at the Democratic convention in Los Angeles. In the speech he praised Gore, but said nothing of Lieberman. He couldn't find anything that rhymed with Lieberman. -Craig Kilborn
On Thursday night Al Gore will take the stage to deliver his acceptance speech. This will be the best night of sleep Americans have ever had! -Craig Kilborn
Whew! Did you hear the Al Gore speech? That was exciting! Yeah, Gore tried to make himself out like any regular Joe. Someone that's overworked, underpaid, and hates their boss! -Bill Maher
Gore listed specifics in his speech. He talked about medicare, Social Security and welfare. He said that no one should have to choose between food and drugs. Hey, just ask college kids. I'm sure they agree. -Bill Maher
Joe Lieberman
Al Gore has chosen Joseph Lieberman as his running mate! I tell ya', I'm excited! Gore-Lieberman ... Paul, doesn't that sound like a name of a clinic on 1st Avenue? -David Letterman
The interesting thing about Joe Lieberman ... there's no interesting thing about Joe Lieberman.-David Letterman
Now, being an Orthodox Jew, Lieberman says he won't campaign on Saturdays. He said, however, he will make up for it during the week by kissing and circumcising babies.-Bill Maher
Al Gore is living la vida Lieberman! Everyone is excited about Gore's pick for vice president. Why, just today I saw two rabbis rolling a party keg down Broadway.-David Letterman
Bush had a 17-point lead the other day. Now, after Gore picked Lieberman, his lead is down to 2 points! This marks the first time a Jew has knocked off 80 percent! -Bill Maher
I didn't know much about Joe Lieberman. Like he is a very intelligent man. Did you know he has written five books? George W. said big deal, anyone can write, the hard part is reading!-Conan O'Brien
The Bush campaign is afraid that Gore's pick of Lieberman is taking the attention away from Cheney. In order to draw more interest, Cheney has scheduled another heart attack. -Jay Leno
It's day four of Liebermania! Lieberman is so popular that George W. called his staff together and told them to find him some Jewish friends! -David Letterman
Al Gore and Joseph Lieberman differ on school vouchers, Social Security and ... bacon. -Conan O'Brien
Well it's Friday; I'm working and Senator Lieberman has shut down for the Sabbath. He's very popular, but I think there is something wrong with [Gore] when the dullest guy in D.C. energizes his campaign.-David Letterman
They call Lieberman the "moral conscience" of the Senate. Boy, I bet everyone at Capitol Hill is glad he's leaving! -David Letterman
Did anyone hear Joe Lieberman last night? He told everyone that only in the United States could a Jew be nominated for vice president. Yeah, I bet that never happens in Israel! -Jay Leno
Celebrities
Martha Stewart turned 59 today ... yes, I know, very sweet. And, when she got home, all of her friends jumped out, flipped on the lights and yelled, "Bitch"!-Craig Kilborn
O.J. Simpson is moving to Florida. This is a change; he's going to a place where people die of natural causes.-Jay Leno
Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta-Jones had their baby. It weighed 7lbs 7oz. That's really remarkable on Michael's part. I mean, a man of his age usually has a prostate that weighs that much! -Jay Leno
Madonna had a baby boy. At least her daughter will now have someone to go through therapy with. -Jay Leno
It was announced that Kathy Lee will give a concert performance on an episode of "Today" sometime in September. This is part of the "Thing That Won't Go Away Tour"! -Conan O'Brien
Frank and Kathy Lee Gifford celebrated birthdays yesterday! How about that, both birthdays on the same day. Frank, I guess, had planned a romantic getaway for two ... until Kathy found out! -Jay Leno
Marla Maples is planning to auction off her engagement ring given to her by Donald Trump. The ring should bring about $150,000 since that's usually the amount Donald Trump engagement rings bring. -Conan O'Brien
Michael Jackson turned 42 today! Happy birthday to Michael ... and oh, Michael, you aren't getting older, just weirder! -David Letterman
Popular Culture
Officials in St. Pete Beach, Florida, are considering confiscating an old lady's parakeet because it knows over 25 cuss words. The old lady said, "I don't know how the feathery %$#!$#%@ little &*$%#$$@ learned all those $%#%@!& words!"-Craig Kilborn
RJ Reynolds has said that their new Winston cigarettes have no additives. One hundred percent tobacco. Isn't that great news for all you smokers out there who are health nuts? You won't have to worry about your tumors having any artificial color or flavoring. -Jay Leno
The Confederate sub the Hunley was raised from the depths of the Atlantic today after sinking off the shore of South Carolina in 1864. No one knows why the sub sank ... other than it being a submarine from 1864! -Craig Kilborn
Visa has come up with a new credit card. A credit card for teens. I think we already have that � it's called daddies. -Craig Kilborn
Social Security turned 65 today! Unfortunately, it'll be two years before it sees any benefits. -Craig Kilborn
A Russian sub has sunk in the Berants Sea. Crews are working away trying to get over 100 men out of the sub before it's too late. I feel bad for Clinton tonight. This is to be his big night and the headlines are reading, "Lost Seamen!" -Bill Maher
A Boston company has announced plans to open up discount breast-enlargement centers ... they'll be called Jiffy Boob! -Craig Kilborn
McDonalds says they will start serving Mexican type food at their 700 California locations. Did someone say, McGas?! -Craig Kilborn
Some guy made history today by undergoing heart surgery while staying awake. He also made history tonight trying to be the only person to stay awake during Gore's speech. -Jay Leno
83-year-old Tilly Tudor of Florida ran off the highway and landed in a swamp while on the way to the airport. She was stuck in some trees for three days! Amazingly, after the three days she still made it to the airport on time to catch her flight on United Airlines! -Jay Leno
The conventions are over, OJ is done doing interviews and Kathy Lee has quit ... hey, folks, it's safe to turn on your TV again!-Jay Leno
Pharmacies are making big money in Mexico off of Viagra. It's much cheaper to buy in Mexico. Is this really smart, though? Taking Viagra with Mexican water?! Think it was bad before, now one part of you will want the bedroom and another wants the bathroom. -Jay Leno
As I told you last night, men are going to Mexico to buy Viagra. It is 80 percent cheaper in Mexico! Talk about more bang for your buck! But Mexico? Come on ... first they take our jobs and now our organs! -Jay Leno
A new study out says the more sex you have the younger you look. Do you really think that's true? Do hookers look young? I don't know how many times I see a hooker and say, Wow, she just has that youthful glow on her face ... she has got a beautiful complexion! -Jay Leno
The Princeton Review says that Louisiana State University, LSU, is the number one party school in the United States. They also have the lowest tuition, or, as they call it at LSU, cover charge! -Craig Kilborn
If you could lay every woman from end to end across the country ... you would be a Kennedy! -Craig Kilborn
Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests!-Jay Leno
Lots of complaints about HMOs. Some doctors are now consulting patients in groups. Say you have arthritis. The doctor will call you in along with 15 other patients to talk to you. Think that's bad, how about a prostrate exam?! -Jay Leno
Five thousand tires are on the way here from Japan, but the tires are on a United flight so they should be here about January. Hey, not this many tires have crossed the ocean since Elian and his family came from Cuba! -Jay Leno
The University of Texas has grown human teeth in a petri dish ... this will be a boom for carnival ride operators.-Jay Leno
The Hip-Hop Awards broke out into rioting. Rappers were fighting with each other. Why does this always happen? Did you know that there are now less rappers than panda bears in the world? -Jay Leno
Good news � murder rates in New York City have dropped! The rate has gone down so much that seven out of ten of you in the audience will make it back to your hotel rooms!-David Letterman
Movies & Television
Both Rick Rockwell, of failed multimillionaire-bride fame, and Joey Buttafuoco are going to be on the panel of judges for a new TV show called "15 Seconds of Fame." It'll be the first time in TV history that the winners will be chosen by losers. -Craig Kilborn
The final episode of "Survivor" is this week! I don't know if any of the contestants read the fine print because the winner has to marry Rick Rockwell! -Jay Leno
Forty million people watched the final episode of "Survivor" tonight. Afterward they had a reunion show and all the participants agreed that even through the turmoil and hardships, eating rats and being infected with parasites they agreed that it was better than being on "Big Brother."-Bill Maher
Sociologists say that today may have been one of the most unproductive days in U.S. history because people stayed up all night having "Survivor" parties. Tonight everyone will catch up on sleep when Big Brother is on. -Jay Leno
The last four contestants were a truck driver, a corporate trainer, a navy SEAL and a health club consultant ... isn't that the original Village People?-David Letterman
Did you see the "Survivor Reunion Show" afterwards? On the show Colleen and Greg said they never had sex on the island, it was all an act. I guess that means I'm the only one at CBS getting screwed!-David Letterman
The castaways are stars. Jenna and Colleen had offers from Playboy and now Richard has an offer to be the Olympic Flame. -Bill Maher
I thought about this "Survivor" show. Thirty-nine days stranded on a remote island and the winner got a million dollars. Hey, the people at Chicago O'Hare waiting for United flights have been there three months and they haven't received a single dime! -Jay Leno
"Live With Regis" ratings have gone up 28 percent compared to last year's ratings at the same time when Kathy was still there. The producers are so impressed with the ratings they are considering calling the show "Live Without Kathy Lee." -Conan O'Brien
Sports
The Australian band Men At Work will be part of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Sydney, Australia. This marks the first time in 15 years that Men At Work have actually had any work!-Craig Kilborn
On this date in 1981 Pete Rose marched into baseball history by breaking Stan Musial's record. On a side note he also won 25 grand that day!-Craig Kilborn