Politics

The Defense Department said due to clerical error, they exagerated the Korean War�s deaths by 15000. They always told us it was 54000, it�s actually 39000. The Pentagon sent out 15000 letters to war widows saying, "Good news, your husband�s alive, but he�s living with a woman named Kim Sue.� -Bill Maher

Last week the Democrats held a huge fundraiser honoring President Clinton. They raised 26 million bucks. Performing at the gala, 17-year-old LeAnn Rimes, and Stevie Wonder. Boy, see, that shows you how smart Clinton is. This guy is so clever. He�s got a girl that is barely legal and a guy who can�t be an eyewitness. -Jay Leno

More problems for Al Gore, It seems a Tennessee woman who lives in a house owed by the Vice President is claiming Gore is slumlord because of the broken toilets and the lack of hot water. Imagine Al gore as a slumlord. Well you thought they were stealing Republican ideas before. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

OJ said the other day, he has never been more angry, ah, maybe once. But never been more angry because it has been circulated that during the trial he took a lie detector test and did not do very well on it, he said that is completely not true. And now he wants to do a lie detector test on pay-per-view, the problem may be that nobody is really interested anymore. It been six years next week, and in Hollywood there is nothing worse than a murderer except a has-been. One executive told OJ today, "Who have you stabbed for us lately?� -Bill Maher

O.J. Simpson has volunteered to take a lie detector test, for three million dollars. Here�s how this works: If O.J. passes, he gets to keep the 3 million dollars. If he fails the lie detector test, he kills the guy. -David Letterman

The other day Brittany Spears told reporters that she plans on remaining a virgin until she got married. Apparently she went on the say a few other things, but the reporters were laughing too hard to hear.-Conan O'Brien

Jesse Ventura was on the Young and the Restless. He stated that it was interesting because he wasn't used to other people coming up with the dumb things he says.-Conan O'Brien

Popular Culture

The city of Baltimore is launching a program to actively recruit gay police officers. Gay cops. Their slogan is "Stop or I�ll pout." -Craig Kilborn

In Kansas City, police say they think they have their first Internet serial killer. He goes by the name of "slavemaster�. I guess that was the first clue. He picked up women on the Internet who were looking for sadomastic sex and they think he killed a bunch of them. Even worse, while he was killing them, after his Internet approach, he was playing songs downloaded from Nabster. -Bill Maher

I guess you heard the big story today. A federal judge ordered the breakup of Microsoft. Eight years ago who would've thought Microsoft would be split up and the Clintons still be together? -Jay Leno

As you know, a federal judge ordered Microsoft to split into two different companies. Right after announcing that, Bill Gates said, "Fine,� and bought the other company. -Jay Leno

Good news for Microsoft � now they can have two employees of the month. -Jay Leno

New York City has installed 3,000 security cameras in the subway, and it has already made a difference. The difference is 3,000 security cameras stolen. -David Letterman

Anybody remember the Achille Lauro? It was the cruise ship in the '80s that was hijacked by Arab terrorists. Now two of the old ladies living in Florida are suing Yasser Arafat. They say they were on that ship and were beaten by the terrorists, at shuffleboard, repeatedly. -Bill Maher

I don't know if you saw it, tonight on CBS they're talking about the "Survivor," the big new show "Survivor." On tonight's episode, the cast members on the show were so hungry they ate worms and spiders, and here�s the weird part. The island has three Dennys on it. -Craig Kilborn

Fireworks are illegal in New York, so please use a gun instead! -David Letterman

People Magazine just released its issue of the 100 most eligible bachelors. Number one was George Cloney. No big surprise. Number two however was Elian, Number three was Bill Clinton and coming in at number four ... was Janet Reno!-David Letterman

Sports

John Rocker made it back to Manhattan this week for a series with the Mets. Everyone quite upset about it...you know Manhattan is an island, why don't they just vote him off? -Jay Leno