Politics

Whats the deal with Pat Buchanan? He's only getting 1 percent of the vote. One percent! Even milk gets 2 percent! And how about Ralph Nader? This guy has raised over 10 million dollars � can't he afford a new suit?! -Jay Leno

Political experts say Bush could win 30 states and still lose the election. Bush then asked, "What happens if I win 40 and he wins 20 then?" -Conan O'Brien

Experts are saying that George W. Bush will be president. In fact, everyone is so confident Bush will win the White House, staff has already put up the printing that has the easy-to-read nuclear codes! -David Letterman

The election might come down to one state, Florida! It could go either way � it's like Anne Hetche! -David Letterman

Bill Clinton doesn't understand why he can't campaign side by side with Al Gore. Gee, maybe it's because you were IMPEACHED!! -David Letterman

Tonight we are selling all of our old Late Show Clinton jokes! It's a clearance. Clearing the place out, everything must go! We have over 7,500 Clinton jokes to get rid of, and they all end with the word intern! -David Letterman

Gore is out on the campaign trail asking people if they are better off than what they were eight years ago. Bill Clinton is saying, "No, I'm still married!" -Jay Leno

A big shift in the Democratic Party today. They changed their view on the death penalty. Some Democrats want to kill Ralph Nader.-Jay Leno

The election is getting close. People say Gore is a liar and Bush is a dumb guy. I'm thinking, why can't we have a candidate that is a liar and dumb at the same time? -David Letterman

Ross Perot told everyone who he will endorse in the presidential race tonight. He has endorsed Twilor from the planet Nebular.-Conan O'Brien

Two hundred years ago today the first cornerstone was laid for the White House. You make your own Clinton joke! -David Letterman

And President Clinton could care less about all this. He's in the Oval Office having sex with the door wide open now.-David Letterman

The Secret Service caught a man jumping over the White House fence the other day. The man was OK � he landed on a big pile of soft money. -Jay Leno

In Washington, D.C., a man was caught jumping over the White House security fence. The crazy man was identified by the police as Ralph Nader. -Conan O'Brien

These marijuana initiatiaves are on the ballot in several states tomorrow. There are two words you don't see together very often: marijuana and initiative. -Jay Leno

The state of Missouri has elected a dead man to the Senate. This isn't new � doesn't Strom Thurmond hold that record?-Jay Leno

Joe Lieberman has won his Senate seat from Conneticut ... or, as he would call it, Plan B!!-Jay Leno

Many former presidents joined Clinton at the White House for a celebration of the anniversary of the White House. Clinton was there, Bush Senior, Carter and Ford. All those guys together, it looked like the K-Mart version of Mount Rushmore! -Jay Leno

Things are getting ugly on both sides. Republicans are now saying that in Wisconsin, Democrats gave homeless people cigarettes in order to get them to vote. Rpublicans couldn't do that because there are no homeless Republicans.-Jay Leno

As you know, Dick Cheney is recovering from a small heart attack. He was smart, though; he checked himself into the hospital. Lucky for Cheney, the hospital didn't have to do much. Since Cheney is a Republican, his heart isn't a vital organ.-Jay Leno

The son of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, his son Jeb Junior, he's just 16 years old. Turns out last month he was found in a parking lot naked with a girl. I'm thinking this might be the Bush with presidential material. -David Letterman

The president of Mexico, Vicente Fox, is calling for more open borders between the United States and Mexico. Hel-lo!! What more does he want? A moving walkway like at Disneyland? Perhaps an escalator going over the border.-Jay Leno

The 2000 Recount

I had a nightmare last night. Some space aliens came down to Earth and asked me to take them to our leader � I didn't know what to do! -Jay Leno

The election comes down to the state of Florida. Florida hasn't been this nervous since O.J. moved there.-Jay Leno

How about this election? This whole year I've made fun of undecided voters. Turns out they are the ones that were right! Undecided. Why is it so hard to count the ballots? We can pick a Miss America in two hours and that has fifty candidates!-Jay Leno

The candidates are getting restless. Today George W. Bush said if the results aren't in soon he'd start executing a prisoner every hour!-Jay Leno

People in Florida can't decide on Buchanan or Gore when filling in their ballots. Isn't that like the difference between drive and reverse?-David Letterman

This is just a big mess. The candidates are in seclusion until this will be resolved. Hey, some good has come out of this!-David Letterman

George W. Bush really doesn't care. This just gives him time to sober up before the victory speech.-David Letterman

The country has gone insane! Three hundred votes or so will decide this election. We still don't have a new president. At least Clinton is working hard. Yasser Arafat is meeting with Clinton in Washington. Arafat will be going back to the Middle East soon, though � it's just too chaotic for him here! -Conan O'Brien

The Gore campaign has requested that the votes in Florida be counted by hand next. George W. Bush said, "How will that work? You'll run out of fingers!" -Conan O'Brien

It's hard to believe that four years ago Russia was the country with illegal elections, a bad economy, a failing stock market and a drunk president!-Jay Leno

So we have Gore winning the popular vote and Bush winning the Electoral College vote. That's a first - Gore being popular and Bush having something to do with college.-Jay Leno

Gore thinks they should keep recounting; he feels he can win two out of three elections. Bush wants to settle it with a chugging contest. I bet Gore is sorry he invented that Electoral College now! -Jay Leno

George W. Bush is still confident. He is already assembling a Cabinent. In the meantime Gore is resembling a Cabinet!-Conan O'Brien

The vice president was relaxing today. He played some touch football with Tipper and the family. Al scored the most points, but somehow he still lost the football game. -Conan O'Brien

I am getting really annoyed with the networks. It's day six already! Can't they drop the breaking news part?!-Jay Leno

One thing we did learn in this election is that your vote does count. It counts over and over and over again.-Jay Leno

Turns out some people in Florida couldn't even get inside the polling places to vote. Some of the doors you have to push open, and many Florida voters were pulling on the doors � they were waiting outside for hours!-Jay Leno

This election is taking a toll on business, too. Today Burger King asked for a recount and it turns out that McDonald's is 11 burgers short of having served one billion.-Jay Leno

I say we let the Teamsters run the next election. Heck, they always know who the winner is beforehand. -Jay Leno

Hookers in Florida are now giving election specials. For twenty dollars you can get a hand count!-Jay Leno

The latest numbers show Bush ahead by 388. I'm sorry � that's not in votes, that's in executions!-Jay Leno

The recount of the election is still going on. My fear, if they get it all over with � my fear is that there will be a winner!-David Letterman

Hey, we have no president! It's a phenomenon that historians call... Jimmy Carter! -Craig Kilborn

Here's my solution to the election. Bush will be the president of the red states and Gore will be president of the blue states. It's over, that's all! -David Letterman

The election could be determined by absentee ballots sent in by former Florida residents living overseas. Oh, great. People don't think enough of our country to stay here, they'll decide who the next president is. -Jay Leno

We've spent over a billion dollars on the election, you know that? We should get our money back. I checked that little box on my taxes. I want my two bucks back. I paid for an election, I didn't get it! -Jay Leno

They're still counting absentee ballots in some places. Know how slow it is to count these? Well, just today seven votes came in for Michael Dukakis! -David Letterman

This country is still a mess. Still counting votes. Gore is up by 300 votes in New Mexico. Today Bush said, that's funny, we didn't even campaign there because we didn't want to go overseas. -Conan O'Brien

This is true: By New Mexico law, if there is a tie in the election the candidates have to draw straws or play a game of poker. That's according to New Mexico Secretary of State Pete Rose. -Conan O'Brien

A hand count in Utah has turned up three more Osmonds! -Craig Kilborn

I feel bad for the people in Florida. They move there because of arthritis and they end up counting votes by hand.-Jay Leno

This election may be decided by overseas absentee ballots. Now, I say that ain't fair. Those people should have to come back to the country and suffer with the rest of us before they can vote!-Jay Leno

All the communist countries are being all smug about this election. Today Castro said that it was America's own fault for the confusion. He also said that it wouldn't be confusing if you would just have one name on the ballot, not two!-Jay Leno

North Dakota is now recounting its votes. For no reason, there's just nothing to do there.-Jay Leno

Al Gore made a proposal to George W. Bush last night to end this thing. Bush was stunned and called an emergency meeting with his imaginary Cabinet.-David Letterman

One thing we did learn in this election: Please, America, let's bring back the low voter turnout! Come on, let's get that apathy going again!-David Letterman

Gore keeps on talking about the will of the people, we need to trust the will of the people. Yeah, that's the same will of the people that made "Charlie's Angels" the number one movie in the country. -Jay Leno

Al Gore keeps saying that the will of the people is being repressed. Neither Bush nor Gore won. Now, isn't that the will of the people? -David Letterman

Al Gore has a proposal that George W. meet with him in private to discuss the election. George W. has a counter proposal to Gore: Meet me in hell!-Conan O'Brien

Did you see Al Gore in the vice president's mansion last night? He gave a speech in the living room. Right in front of the fireplace. On top of the mantel there are pictures of the family hugging and kissing. Then if you pull back a little bit, you see a podium. Now, only Al Gore would have a podium in his living room.-Jay Leno

Today 86 ballots showed up in Katherine Harris' hair.-David Letterman

Did anyone see the Florida Supreme Court hearing yesterday? The judges kept asking the same question over and over again: Are you sure you want either of these guys to be elected? -David Letterman

This country is a mess! The Republicans are now saying they will boycott the inaguration if Al Gore is elected. In a related story, George W. Bush said he would boycott the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade if a Scooby Doo balloon is left out.-Conan O'Brien

This election is still a big mess. Did you see Gore on TV last night? That's always a fun show. He called for a face-to-face meeting with George W. Bush. Bush responded by saying Gore could have a face-to-his-ass meeting.-Conan O'Brien

Al Gore vows to keep fighting! I never thought this could happen. It looks like the election will last longer than the campaign. Isn't that amazing!-Jay Leno

Lieberman came out swinging today. Harsh words against the Republicans. He said that every vote should count for every American that voted. Unless, of course, you're in the military � then the Democrats threw those votes out.-Jay Leno

Bush is begining to outline some of his programs. One calls for 10,000 additional police officers. That's just to arrest Robert Downey Jr. -Jay Leno

I don't know what is causing more problems for Gore, the state of Florida or the state of denial. -Jay Leno

It's not looking good. Polls say 60 percent of Americans want Gore to concede. The other 40 percent are lawyers working for Gore.-Jay Leno

George W. Bush is excited about becoming president. Earlier today he called his dad to get the address of the White House.-Jay Leno

Bush is calling for unity. He wants Democrats and Republicans to work together. Bush can't even get his brain and mouth to work together! -Jay Leno

Canada held its election today. Now Al Gore claims he won that election, too!-Jay Leno

If Gore doesn't end up becomming president, he won't run in 2004. His wife, Tipper, says she doesn't want him to. Neither does the rest of America! -Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney is fine after having his 10th heart attack! He's doing OK now. He and Bush are working on their plan for putting together a Cabinet. They want a diverse Cabinet, so they are going to get white guys in it from all different parts of Texas.-Conan O'Brien

There is a good chance there will be some Democrats on the Bush Cabinet. I hear Al Gore could be Bush's secretary of Kiss My Ass! -Conan O'Brien

The good news is that Dubya and Gore have decided to go ahead with a fourth and decisive debate.-David Letterman

Gore wants to keep the intrest alive in the election process, so this week he is sealing himself in a six-ton block of ice!-David Letterman

George W. is going to hire a new legal team. Oh, boy, this will speed things up!-David Letterman

Katherine Harris might run for Senate in Florida. That'a a smart thing to do � get involved in another election! -David Letterman

Bush's DUI

George Bush called a press conference yesterday to admit that he was charged with drunk driving after a Labor Day party in Maine back in 1976. Of course, his handlers tried to put a good spin on it. Like today they said he was proud to be drinking a domestic beer in an American-made car on a holiday honoring the American laborer. -Jay Leno

George Bush drunk. How bad was he pronouncing subliminal back then? He did say in defense he has never been drunk enough to hit on Paula Jones. -Jay Leno

The officer who arrested Bush is now retired. He was on the news the other night, and he said when he arrested Bush, he was slurring his words, he was incoherent and he wasn't making any sense. That doesn't mean he was drunk - he's like that all the time! -Jay Leno

It came out today that Bush's vice presidential nominee Dick Cheney has had two drunk driving arrests. Cheney's got two! Or as Bush calls him, "Show-off"!-Jay Leno

Bush and Cheney. What do we got, drunk and drunker running here? I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway. It's blottogate! -Jay Leno

Gore pleads the Fifth, Bush drinks the fifth. Pick the one you want. -Jay Leno

This is the last day before the election, or as George W. Bush would call it � last call!-David Letterman

George W. is very confident. He's already hired a designated driver!-David Letterman

That's all you heard about over the weekend was Bush and the DUI charge. A candidate that has been charged with DUI? Maybe we should look this thing over � maybe we should take another look at Ted Kennedy. -David Letterman

Ralph Nader

Nader today said he was for legalizing drugs. Hey, now Bush says he'll vote for Nader! -Jay Leno

Another scandal today. It seems back in 1985 Ralph Nader once pulled out of the driveway without putting his seatbelt on.-Jay Leno

You know the Democrats are behind this � what a nasty business this is. Did you see the scandal they pulled about Ralph Nader today? The Democrats' fingeprints are on it. It turns out back in the mid-seventies Ralph Nader once took a cold medicine, then operated heavy machinery.-Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton is very confident about her race with Rick Lazio. She is so confident that she no longer pretends to like New York. -David Letterman

Hillary Clinton has won her race against Rick Lazio here in New York. I'm glad to see bygones be bygones! This is important for Hillary. She may run for president in 2004. This is the first step to getting two Clintons impeached from the presidency! -David Letterman

Hillary Clinton is the first woman senator from New York. Bill got a little misty-eyed at her acceptance speech the other night. Who can blame him? Hillary is a senator, Monica is a millionaire, and Paula Jones is in Penthouse � all the girls are doing well!-Jay Leno

Everyone is saying Hillary may make a presidential run in 2004. She's a tough campaigner, she knows the issues and she can't be linked sexually to the president!-Jay Leno

Science And Technology

Scientists that study marijuana say that certain types of marijuana can help relieve cold symptoms. I call marijuana, or pot, the nighttime, stuffy head, wheezing, coughing, watery eye, so-you-can-get-stoned medicine! -Craig Kilborn

Experts say that men cry on an average of once a month. Hmmmmmm ... I wonder what time of the month that could be?-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Paul Harvey, the radio announcer, turned 82 years old today. I like Paul, he does "The Rest of the Story" bit every day over national radio. He turned 82 today and also got a 10-year multimillion-dollar contract extension. He got a lot of calls today, all from Anna Nicole Smith!-Jay Leno

This was in the tabloids today. It seems Pamela Anderson has gone back to her original, larger breast implants. Well, finally a TV reunion we can all be happy about! -Jay Leno

There's news out about Kathy Lee's new CD. I hear when you play it backwards, it sounds good!-Jay Leno

The new Kathy Lee CD isn't doing very well. In her defense, though, gag gifts aren't selling well across the nation this season.-Conan O'Brien

Kd lang just turned 39. Rumor has it that she is a lesbian. Hey, there is no way that guy is a lesbian!-Craig Kilborn

Jerry Seinfeld and his wife had their baby the other day. A baby girl weighing nine pounds and three ounces ... wait, that's the size of Jerry's wallet! -Craig Kilborn

Three women are suing Oprah for being misrepresented on her talk show. The opening arguments were heard today and the court room was full of ... Oprah! -Craig Kilborn

Oprah is getting married to longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham. Oprah's parents aren't losing a daughter, they're gaining a loser! -Craig Kilborn

MC Hammer is going to release a new album soon. It's going to be called "Please God, Let Someone Touch This!" -Craig Kilborn

Fred Rogers is going to do his last episode of "Mister Roger's Neighborhood" next week. I'm sure you're thinking what I am, Mister Rogers is still alive?!-Craig Kilborn

Ricky Martin has released a new album. The album contains his new single, "Shebangs." The song is about a woman knocking on Ricky's door at 3:00 a.m. looking for her brother. -Craig Kilborn

Leonardo DiCaprio turned 26 today. He's decided that it's time to settle down and pick a gender. -Craig Kilborn

Britney Spears' mom was in the news. She told a reporter that she loved Britney Spears' striptease at the MTV Awards. She loved it. Well, she's just glad Britney has a skill to fall back on in case the music thing doesn't work out. -Jay Leno

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are getting married this weekend. Zeta-Jones is promising to love, honor and speak to him in his good ear.-Craig Kilborn

The Backstreet Boys are on a 100-hour tour of the world. In Japan the girls there were so loud that the Backstreet Boys could barely hear themselves suck! -Craig Kilborn

John Travolta is in the news. He says he's going to make some improvements to "Battlefield Earth" before it is released on video. The video is going to be sold under a new title, called blank tape. -Conan O'Brien

Keith Richards says that he goes without sleep quite a bit. He said he once went nine days without sleep! There's no drug use going on there! Maybe Richards should try that new pill, Heroin P.M.!-Jay Leno

Naomi Campbell says she has taken up boxing to ease her temper. She got the idea form seeing how well boxing has controlled Mike Tyson's temper!-Conan O'Brien

Madonna is going to get married, it is confirmed. She is going to marry Guy Richie. So, sorry, guys... girls... basketball teams! -Craig Kilborn

Anna Nicole Smith had a birthday today. She turned 33 years old. She had a lovely cake. She didn't blow out the candles, though � she used a pillow to smother them!-Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson says that he voted in the election. Finally we know of a voter in Florida who is capable of stabbing through a ballot! -Jay Leno

Robert Downey Jr. ... more coming out in the story from last week. He was at a hotel on Thanksgiving with a stripper; also found in the room was cocaine and crystal meth. You see, in Hollywood that is what you call a traditional Thanksgiving.-Jay Leno

Robert Downey Jr. is back on "Ally McBeal" for the time being. He's going to slow down a bit and take things one gram at a time. -Craig Kilborn

Thanksgiving

This will be Clinton's last Thanksgiving in the White house. That has to be bittersweet for him. Seeing that butterball with its legs in the air � it's got to bring back memories for him. -Jay Leno

We have something in common with the first Thanksgiving here today. The Pilgrims didn't have a president either! -Jay Leno

Bill Clinton, too, has a connection to the Pilgrims. Whenever he checks into a hotel, he signs his name as John Smith. -Jay Leno

Today Clinton gave thanks for everyone letting him live out his dream and thanks to Hillary for letting him live.-Jay Leno

The Department of Transportation reports that most families will drive one hundred miles or more this morning to celebrate Thanksgiving with other members of their families. That's the morning. The rest of the day is spent thanking that you live more than one hundred miles away from your family.-Conan O'Brien

We all know that the first Thanksgiving was held in 1621. That was the first time the Indians and the Pilgrims got together for Thanksgiving. The next year after that the Indians invited the Pilgrims to their all-you-can-eat-buffet and casino.-Conan O'Brien

A restaurant in Illinois served over 800 turkey testicles to its customers yesterday. In a related story, there are 400 really pissed-off turkeys in Illinois. -Conan O'Brien

Popular Culture

Did everyone have a nice Halloween? Halloween is so strange here in Beverly Hills. I didn't get a single visitor last night, no kids! What they do is e-mail their requests, then later in the night they send a messenger out to get the candy.-Jay Leno

What is the deal with candy bars getting smaller? How can that be? Everything is fun size now. Candy bars are getting smaller and kids are getting fatter, how does that work? -Jay Leno

Two Russians and an American are up in space for the first international space crew. The crew took off from Russia at 3:47 a.m. I think they got their tickets through priceline.com. Took off real early from Russia, and they also had to make a stop in Atlanta.-Jay Leno

In England three teens were arrested for blowing pot smoke into the face of a cat, causing the cat to get sick. The cat doesn't catch mice anymore, it just sits around talking about what a bummer the band Phish broke up.-Conan O'Brien

Did anyone watch the NBC miniseries about the Bible? Tonight they showed the part where Moses receives the Ten Commandments. Originaly it was just eight, then Moses asked for a recount! -Jay Leno

On this day in 1914 the first bra was invented. After 86 years, no one has told Kathy Lee about this product!-Jay Leno

Big anniversary today. The American Federation of Labor union was founded on this day in 1881. Actually, it would have been founded sooner, but everybody was on break.-Jay Leno

In New York City there is now a hotel for cats and dogs. A special hotel just for pets. How do you think that makes the homeless feel?-Jay Leno

In New York City they now have a hotel for your pets. A hotel just to take your cats and dogs to. If you go there, be careful � that mint on the pillow just might not be a mint!-Jay Leno

Here's a strange story. A beauty queen in Thailand had to give up the crown because it turns out she is a man. Judges became suspicious when her talent was peeing standing up.-Conan O'Brien

American Greetings, the nation's largest card manufacturer, is laying off workers. Today they laid off a beautiful daughter, a heck of a grandson, and the world's greatest dad. -Craig Kilborn

The feds in New Orleans raided the home of former KKK leader David Duke. They think he might be using funds from his organization for personal use. That's all it takes, one bad apple. A kind of thing like this can ruin the Klan. One guy, that's all it takes.-Jay Leno

Thirty-five years ago the Pop Tart was invented. It was invented by accident when a celing tile fell into some jelly. -Jay Leno

An Internet survey says that Colombians are the happiest people in the world. Duh! I think you'd be happy if you come from a country whose number one export is cocaine. Do you know who is the most miserable? The Brazilians. They're always walking around with those thongs up their butts.-Jay Leno

A Springfeld, Massachusetts, nurse has been convicted of killing four patients for the thrill of it at an old folks hursing home. Well, it looks like George W. Bush has found his surgeon general! -Jay Leno

In Peoria, Illinois, an inmate at a prison was caught beating another inmate with his prosthetic leg. My question is this, if you're beating someone with your prosthetic leg, are you hitting them or kicking them?-Jay Leno

The Wal-Mart chain is refusing to sell a book written by WWF superstar Mankind because the book contains a picture of a naked elf. Everywhere Wal-Mart shoppers are asking themselves the same question, "What's a book?!" -Craig Kilborn

Police in Sacramento, California, arrested a man who obtained 83 bogus driver's licenses. He would disquise himself and go down to the DMV. He got 83 licenses! Police estimate he spent more than 90 percent of his life waiting in line. -Jay Leno

A new study finds that women use their whole brain when listening and men only use half of their brain. You see, men use the other half of their brain to come up with excuses. I don't think women use their whole brain when listening. I think they use half of it and the other half is used to memorize what men are saying so they can use it against them 10 years later! -Jay Leno

Sports

The Clippers beat the Knicks! Last night the Clippers beat the Knicks 78 to 74. Now, those are the people that should be asking for a recount.-Jay Leno

Any football fans here? Florida State outscored Florida in college football over the weekend. Attorneys for Florida challenged the outcome, saying they intended to score but were unable due to ambiguity in the rules. They want a recount.-Jay Leno