Politics

The Gore-Bradley debate was tonight. It was on CNN, C-SPAN and FOX and it was listed as "Who Wants To Marry a Monotone." -Bill Maher

Bill Bradley and Al Gore had a civilized debate where there played up each others strengths as opposed to tearing each other down. And then they even agreed to share a new campaign slogan. "Shhh, don't wake the audience."-Craig Kilborn

Some gruesome news. Another execution scheduled for this Tuesday. But enough about the Bill Bradley campaign. -Jay Leno

I guess Bill Bradley was hanging out at the gas station, not even to get gas. He just wanted to watch to see some numbers go up for a change. -Jay Leno

Did you see that great picture of Gore and his daughter jogging on the beach in Santa Monica? It made history. It was the first time a 52 year old man in LA was seen with a girl young enough to be his daughter that really was his daughter.-Jay Leno

This is how stiff this Al Gore guy is. He went to Grant's Tomb and they wouldn't let him out. -David Letterman

Hillary Clinton marched in the gay version of the St. Patrick's Day parade. She is taking a lot of heat for marching with lesbians because up until now, she has been called a "carbetbagger." -Bill Maher

George W. Bush in New York campaigning and he says that he smells victory. George, I've lived in this town for 20 years and what you are smelling ain't victory. -David Letterman

The Economy

Have you seen the price of gas lately? One good thing about the price of gas. Maybe it'll keep Halle Berry off the road for awhile. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

According to a new book just coming out, Michael Jackson once accused Prince of driving his chimpanzee, Bubbles crazy by using ESP. When reached for comment, Bubbles the Chimp said "Oh Yeah, I'm the one who's crazy."-Conan O'Brien

I was in the store today and saw Madonna on the cover of the latest issue of "Good Housekeeping" magazine. Did I get real old all of a sudden? Madonna on the cover of "Good Housekeeping" magazine? Didn't Madonna just put out a book awhile ago where she was being spanked while tied naked to a chair? Now she's giving advice on how to make peach cobbler. Is there something wrong with this picture? -Jay Leno

Have you seen Madonna's movie? $8 to see Madonna's movie. For ten dollars you can have Madonna.-David Letterman

Popular Culture

The big winner in the miniseries this week was the Jon Benet movie. I guess the actors went through weeks and weeks of rehearsals. They wanted to get the lines down; make the lines completely believable while the cameras were rolling. You know, just like the Ramseys in real life. -Jay Leno

TV producers are now auditioning young men for a TV movie about the Monkees. They have settled on four unknowns. Davy Jones, Mickey Dolenz, Peter York and Michael Nesbitt.-Craig Kilborn

Preparations underway in New Orleans for next weeks Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras of course the magical time in New Orleans when people of all ages, races, creed, and colors get together and barf on each other. -Craig Kilborn

The Shell Oil Company unveiled a new kind of gas pump at a couple of stations in Indianapolis this week. They allow you to stay in your car. The pump has a robot arm, you pull in, it automatically finds the fuel tank opening, takes off the gas cap, pushes the nozzle into the opening and fills the gas tank. You do not want to be bending over checking your tire pressure next to this thing.-Jay Leno

It was reported that this summer the producers of Live with Regis and Kathie Lee are going to hold weekly auditions to replace Kathie Lee Gifford. Auditions every week. Coincidentally, Frank Gifford will be doing the same thing. -Conan O'Brien

In Florida, a report has found that 80,000 fewer high school students smoked cigarettes than used to smoke. Most of the students said that they quit smoking because they didn't want to be a bad influence on their kids. -Craig Kilborn

There is a real annoying Metamucil commercial. This woman takes a laxative and then goes hiking. What idiot would take a laxative and then hike up a mountain? What is even more stupid is the people hiking behind her. -Jay Leno

How many are going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans? That's the difference between New Orleans and New York City. Here in New York City we don't need excuses to get drunk and urinate in the street.-David Letterman

Sports

Former heavyweight boxer champ Riddick Bowe going to prison for 30 days for kidnapping his family and forcing them to drive around with him in the family station wagon for 5 hours. My Dad did the same thing; it was called summer vacation. -Jay Leno