Politics

This McCain is a fascinating guy. He spent 5 and a half years in prison and now he's running for president. Talk about doing things backwards. Isn't it usually the other way around?-Jay Leno

Well, we had the big presidential primary today. Right after the polls closed, John McCain was declared a big, big winner. I guess this is the biggest setback for George W. Bush since his SAT's.-Jay Leno

It's Groundhog Day. And according to the results in New Hampshire, Bush has at least another 6 weeks of McCain. -Bill Maher

In the New Hampshire primary, McCain did really well with the independent voter, Al Gore did well with party regulars and Gary Bauer did well among voters who were just kidding.-Conan O'Brien

I really, really enjoyed Groundhog day. It was nice to finally see something crawl out of a hole in the ground that wasn't running for president.-Jay Leno

Bush supporters are comparing McCain to Clinton. McCain is personable and so is Clinton. McCain wants a tax cut and so does Clinton. McCain was a prisoner of war for 5 years, Clinton is married to Hillary. -Jay Leno

The Republicans had a big debate in South Carolina tonight. Very important stuff. Bush and McCain and Alan Keyes all going at it. They are very angry with one another. But they all agree that America is basically peaceful, happy and prosperous right now. But what they disagreed on is who's to blame.-Bill Maher

During a radio interview, George W. Bush said that he would not appoint an openly gay person to his administration. He went on to say "all my appointees will be repressed homosexuals or closet cases." -Conan O'Brien

Hillary's announcement to run for the Senate was on the front page of every newspaper today. She's been saying for over a year she's going to run. I guess they figure that when a Clinton keeps a promise, that is front page news. -Jay Leno

Hillary said that in her candidacy, she will work to lift people up and not push people down. The exact opposite of Bill's philosophy. -Jay Leno

Mayor Guliani is getting on Hillary's case about playing a Billy Joel song when she announced the other day. "Captain Jack" is a song that deals with drugs and masturbation and so forth. He said Hillary is saying YES to drugs and masturbation because of this song. We all know that Hillary isn't saying yes to drugs and masturbation. She said I DO to drugs and masturbation. -Bill Maher

Earlier in the week, Hillary Clinton had breakfast at a diner in Upstate New York and she didn't give the waitress a tip. But that is not true. She did tell her "Stay away from my husband." -Conan O'Brien

Yesterday in an interview with CNN, President Clinton said that one of the toughest things about Hillary's campaign for the New York Senate is having to listen to people criticize her. He said people lying about his wife drives him nuts. That's what he said. Apparently, lying TO his wife, there is nothing wrong with that.-Jay Leno

It's President's Day. They rated them today and Clinton came in the middle. He came in the poll of historians dead last in the morality category, I guess because of Monica Lewinsky. He's not the only president with a mistress. His problem was that he just had sex with his mistress. He'd have done better if he owned her like Jefferson or killed her like Kennedy.-Bill Maher

Donald Trump has announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. Boy what a shock. That was a grueling 2 weeks.-Jay Leno

Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura says he is leaving the Reform Party. He said that it is full of phonies. That is pretty bad when someone from professional wrestling thinks you're a phony. -Jay Leno

Bill Bradley is accusing Al Gore of using unfair tactics to win over gay voters. I think he is right because today Al Gore said that his running mate would be either Ziegfrid or Roy. -Conan O'Brien

Did you watch President Clinton's press conference? He came out in support of Al Gore. He said that Al Gore has always been brutally honest. But to Bill Clinton, any kind of honesty is brutal.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Did you hear about the rapper JZ indicted on assault charges for allegedly stabbing a record executive last month. When asked why he stabbed the guy, he said "Because I didn't have a gun." -Craig Kilborn

Madonna pregnant again? Hmmm, I wonder who the lucky team is? -Craig Kilborn

New York Daily News said that O.J. Simpson may be getting married to his current girlfriend. Hey, it's her funeral! -Jay Leno

Sunday would have been Bob Marley's 55th birthday. A memorial was held for him in his hometown of Kingston, Jamaica. Actually, it was quite an emotional event. There wasn't a dry bong in the place. -Craig Kilborn

According to the National Enquirer, Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford are talking about getting a divorce. I think the story may be true because Kathie Lee just offered a Venezuelan boy $1.95 to be her lawyer.-Conan O'Brien

A man accused of stalking actress Brooke Shields plead innocent in court in Los Angeles. Reportedly the man said he was a big fan of the show Suddenly Susan, so he was obviously insane. -Jay Leno

The other day, after what he calls a misunderstanding, famous movie critic Rex Reed was arrested for shoplifting. Afterwards he said his arrest was well paced and compelling, but his jail time was predictable.-Conan O'Brien

George Michael was being sued by the policeman who arrested him for masturbating in a bathroom. Yesterday the judge threw the case out of court. Apparently, Michaels was so happy he asked for a 10 minute recess. -Conan O'Brien

After 2 unsuccessful marriages, actor Tom Arnold kicked off a national search to find his next bride on the internet. This is true, so if you're a young girl between the ages of 19 and 25 and interested in marrying Tom Arnold, get some help. -Craig Kilborn

Letterman's Bypass Surgery

You are not going to believe what happened to me. I've been away for a while. While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart plus I got a haircut.-David Letterman

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I have been through, I am just happy to be wearing clothing that opens in the front. -David Letterman

When you find out you're going to have the bypass, honest to God, my career flashed before my eyes. And I'll tell you it was mostly awkward silences.-David Letterman

A bypass surgery is when doctors surgically create new blood flow to your heart. A bypass is what happened to me when I didn't get the Tonight Show. -David Letterman

I have a whole new respect for President Clinton. For years and years I have made fun of the guy. I now have the utmost respect for the guy. I spent a half an hour with Hillary and look what happened to me.-David Letterman

Okay I had the quintuple bypass surgery a couple weeks ago and I said "okay, I am changing my whole lifestyle." And then I realized, I don't have a lifestyle.-David Letterman

You have to watch what you eat, they say to cut down on the butter. Well, that's just great! Easy for you to say. Tell me to cut down on the butter. What the hell am I going to put on my bacon every morning? -David Letterman

Popular Culture

Have you heard about Mensa? A four year old Texas girl has been admitted into Mensa an elite society for geniuses. And the 4 year old girl demonstrated her extremely high level of intelligence when she correctly answered NO to the question "Hi, I'm Michael Douglas, would you like to have a drink?" -Craig Kilborn

They are getting ready for Mardi Gras next week. The Police in New Orleans are cracking down on woman who flash their breasts. It's like a custom. Woman flash to get cheap beads and jewelry. In LA we call that "dating." -Jay Leno

A company that insures the TV show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is suing to get let out of their contract because they say that the questions are too easy and they are paying out too much in prize money. They say the show is so easy that even George W. Bush could win as much as $200. -Jay Leno

There was a water main break in Chicago today. It tied up traffic for several hours. The water level got pretty high in several parts of downtown. Authorities urged people to remain calm and reminded them that in an emergency Oprah could be used as a flotation device.-Craig Kilborn

According to a new report, casinos in Nevada took in $9 billion last year. Reached for comment, Marla Maples said, "Is there any way I can marry the state of Nevada?" -Craig Kilborn

NBC has taken "Freaks and Geeks" off the air. It looks like Steve Forbes is never going to find any work now.-Jay Leno

Of course this is day 3 of Deborah Norville in prison in North Carolina. Inside Edition says that she is getting the exact same treatment that anyone with a TV crew and camera would. My question is this. If she gets good ratings, will they make her stay there? -Jay Leno

A bra fitting specialist was at Macy's today, checking out women's breasts to make sure you are wearing the right bra. How do you get a job like that? I don't remember the guidance counselor on career day in school even bringing this up. -Jay Leno

In Seattle, a man robbed a bank wearing a flowered pink dress because he didn't want people to see his face. Unfortunately, now the man is in jail and nobody is looking at his face. -Conan O'Brien

Remember there was a radioactive gas leak at a power plant in New York? Well, today another gas leak occurred when Starr Jones ate a 20 pack of Chicken McNuggets. -Craig Kilborn

VH-1 has announced that they are looking for 4 guys to play the Monkees in their TV movie. Why don't they get the original Monkees. I think they are available, not doing anything right now. -Jay Leno

The papers are calling the "Who wants to marry a multimillionaire" America's phoniest sham marriage. Boy, I bet the Clintons are glad to be giving up that title. -Jay Leno

Sports

Baltimore Ravens backstabber, I mean linebacker, Ray Lewis charged with murder for allegedly stabbing 2 men after a Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Now how can 1 football player stab 2 people. O.J.'s lawyer told us over and over that was not physically possible. -Jay Leno

Major League Baseball's John Rocker, know what he got? One month suspension with pay. What's that? It's called a vacation. -Jay Leno

Mike Tyson in England today visited an old age home, apparently looking for his next opponent. -Jay Leno

What is going on in professional sports? You've got NFL players committing murder, doing drugs, they're stalking women. I think the wrong guys on the field are wearing the stripes. In fact, so many have been arrested, this Sunday they are thinking of changing the Pro Bowl to the Pro/Con Bowl. -Jay Leno

Down in Tampa, Florida spring training for major league baseball got underway today in a very touching ceremony at the Atlanta Braves training camp. Pitcher John Rocker threw out the first racial slur. -Craig Kilborn