Politics

George W. Bush was asked about the 4th today and he replied, "I thought that took place in August."-Craig Kilborn

The big argument on Capitol Hill is about senior citizens and prescription drugs. Republicans say the control should be with the HMOs, while Clinton wants more control over prescription information and choices given to the seniors. George W. said he doesn't see why the seniors just can't get the drugs off the street like he does. -Jay Leno

The Arkansas governor has moved out of the mansion and into a doublewide trailer. This isn't going over very well. People in Arkansas are saying, "How dare he! Showing off his being rich by living in a doublewide!" -Jay Leno

The candidates are getting close to picking their running mates. So far for Bush, he has narrowed the list to three people. Bush has stated that each one has a 50 percent chance of being chosen. -Conan O'Brien

Today Bush said he has ruled out Colin Powell for vice president. Powell didn't want the job anyway. Bush said it was nothing personal, he just hasn't had any experience working with black people - except the ones he's executed.-Bill Maher

Everyone is speculating on the vice presidential choices. Typically the choice is someone who's non-threatening, less charismatic, less informed, less appealing, less dynamic ... too bad these guys can't just pick each other! -Jay Leno

Mexican President Vicente Fox has called for an open border between Mexico and the United States ... funny, I thought we already had that. -Jay Leno

George W. says he will take New York state... because of Hillary's bad press. Al Gore said this was ridiculous; he's had to put up with her much longer than Bush! -Conan O'Brien

Big day in Washington today ... Congress is debating the repeal of the marriage penalty. I've always thought marriage was punishment itself, let alone a tax on it. Clinton is against the repeal, saying this would encourage people to get married due to financial reasons. Yeah, I thought people got married due to purely political reasons. -Bill Maher

Fidel Castro said last week that Jesus was a communist, just like Cubans. Well unlike most Cubans, Jesus can just walk all the way to Miami from Cuba. -Conan O'Brien

Al Gore now says he will not be attending the fund raiser at the Playboy Mansion. He says he can't afford to be any stiffer than he already is! -Conan O'Brien

Thomas Jefferson has been agreed upon by experts as being the most intelligent president. I'll say! It took us 200 years to figure out he was fooling around! -Jay Leno

Sixteen-year-old Euan Blair, the son of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, was arrested for being intoxicated last night. When asked about the matter, the family said that it was a private matter between them and the tabloids.-Craig Kilborn

Al Gore's campaign office was taken over today by a mob of enviromentalists. I guess the scene turned pretty awkward when one environmentalist chained himself to a tree and later found out it was Al Gore.-Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

The sex of Madonna's 4th child will be a boy. She will name it after the father ... number 211.-Craig Kilborn

Richard Simmons. Richard will turn 52 tomorrow. We decided to give him a gift ... long pants! He's 52 - it's high time he stopped wearing those shorts and wear long pants! -Jay Leno

In a recent interview Britney Spears told the world she wouldn't mind marrying Prince William. In a related story Elton John said the same thing! -Conan O'Brien

Ted Turner was announced as being the largest land owner in the United States ... 1.7 million acres. Today the Clintons also announced that at the next fund raiser Turner will be an "Honorary Jew Bastard!" -Bill Maher

Cher is thinking about adopting a baby girl. The adoption agency is leery about letting Cher have a kid ... they believe she might use the kid for spare parts!-Craig Kilborn

Popular Culture

In Hollywood there is now a salon that will do makeovers to make you look like a celebrity. For $3,000 you can look like Cher. Cher is actually the first one in line to look like Cher! -Craig Kilborn

The state of Vermont has legalized gay marriages. This will give gays the same rights as hetrosexuals, now allowing them to be harrassed by the IRS and screwed by HMOs! -Craig Kilborn

Did you hear about the Arkansas Bar de-barring Clinton because he doesn't have the moral fiber to be a lawyer? Moral fiber ... I didn't know lawyers needed that!-David Letterman

Today Iran admitted that they have an out-of-control sex industry. Yeah, I heard that a girl received 20 goats in a wet veil contest. -Craig Kilborn

America loves Harry Potter. The series of children's books released another best seller over the weekend. Americans just love a story about a snot-nosed kid that uses magic potions and powder. This is good news for the Bush campaign. -Bill Maher

New studies have found that teens are having less sex. This is due to the AIDS epidemic and also to that fat guy on "Survivor" who was walking around naked. -Bill Maher

In Spain, young men are getting ready for the running of the bulls. This will be followed by the driving of the ambulances and the carrying of the caskets.-Craig Kilborn

This is a true story. At Six Flags, Magic Mountain in Ohio some lady lost her fake breasts on a roller coaster. Well, the good news is that they knocked over some bottles when they landed and she won a giant teddy bear! -Craig Kilborn

The San Fransico Health magazine released a study that says if you massage your colon every day, you'll be in better health. Just be sure to rub it with your hand ... if you use a thumb people might think you work for the government. -Jay Leno

Recently it was discovered that the U.S. Capitol Building, our own Capitol Building, was erected by 400 black slaves. Today Congressman J.C. Watts of Oklahoma, the only black Republican in Congress, told reporters that he thought it was ironic that years ago 400 brothers slaved away on the site and today he is the only brother slaving away on the site. -Bill Maher

On this date in 1955 Disneyland opened its gates. I believe that just today, the very first guy in line at Space Mountain finally got to ride it! -Craig Kilborn

Amtrak is going to come out with a new logo. They plan to put the new logo on the underside of the trains so everyone will be able to see it. -Craig Kilborn

Alaska Airlines has taken steps to increase its safety standards. They hired 82 mechanics, which brings its number of mechanics to 82! -Jay Leno

McDonald's has a new slogan: "We love to see you smile." This beats the old slogan of "Food, folks and strokes." -Jay Leno

Heinz has decided to make a green ketchup. Now my question is, How do you know if it's gone bad? -Jay Leno

Seventy million rats are living in New York City. Mayor Giuliani said he has plans for the city to trap or kill as many as they can over the next year. In a related story, he also said that kids will enjoy meatier school lunches next year! -Conan O'Brien

Mayor Giuliani has decided to rid the city of the rats. The mayor's office estimates we have 70 million of them! Giuliani is going to get rid of them the easiest way possible ... raise their rent until they all move to Jersey! -David Letterman

Good news. New York cab drivers will now accept credit cards. Boy, I tell ya' there's nothing like getting your gold card rejected by someone without a green card. -David Letterman

A new study has found that sexual activity among teen has dropped in the last 10 years. President Clinton heard the results of the study and called teens lazy and went on further to say that when he was a teen he was having sex barefoot while walking uphill in the snow! The sad thing is, I can picture him doing that. -Conan O'Brien

Have you been following the Napster case? It's a big deal over Internet downloading of music. Today the drummer from the band Metallica said that if this continues, many musicians will be bankrupt ... I thought that was the job of drugs and managers.-Bill Maher

The state of Wisconsin is doing commercials with Johnny Cochran about gun control. Cochran says that with Wisconsin's strict laws, if you get in trouble with a gun, not even he can help you - but if you kill your wife with a knife, then he's your man! -Jay Leno

The state of Texas scheduled two - two - executions today. Do they ever stop and rest? The gas chamber is so busy in Texas they have put up a sign that says, "Pardon the mess; we are expanding to serve you better!" -Bill Maher

Lingerie giant Fredricks Of Hollywood filed for bankruptcy. Yup, going out of business. Today they handed out pink slips and pink panties to employees. -Jay Leno

Movies & Television

Last night on "Survivor" they voted off a guy named Joel Clug. They all said he was dishonest, condescending and negative toward women. He's just lucky he wasn't impeached! -David Letterman

CBS has a new show called "Big Brother" - another reality-based TV show. CBS will sit around for three months watching 10 people in one house. What a switch! It's usually only 10 people watching CBS. -David Letterman

This is true, a member of the cast on the new "Big Brother" show has accidentally killed someone in the past, and when the producers of the show were asked about the situation and why the person was put on the show, they said they felt the person would have had an unfair advantage on the show "Survivor." -Conan O'Brien

The #1 movie over the weekend was "X-Men." It took in over 50 million dollars! That's outstanding, considering that anyone at the movie had no date! -Craig Kilborn

Has anyone seen the summer blockbuster "The Perfect Storm"? Great movie starring George Clooney. It was made by Wolfgang Petersen. Now, Petersen has always been an animal rights activist and no fish were harmed in the movie. All the fish were made of rubber ... he got the idea from Long John Silver's. -Jay Leno

In TV news, this fall CBS will air a made-for-TV movie about Elian Gonzalez. The movie will be interrupted every five minutes for updates on the Elian case.-Conan O'Brien

Sports

Dallas Cowboys great and sometimes bad boy Michael Irvin called it quits today. Irvin is retiring after 11 years in the NFL. He's saying goodbye to football and hello to more crack!-Bill Maher

Today Ben Johnson reported that a woman stole money from him while he was walking on the sidewalk. Olympic Gold Medalist Johnson couldn't catch the thief. Cops are now searching for the woman and are going to offer her a spot on the 2000 U.S. Olympic Team. -Jay Leno