Politics

Al Gore says his chances of winning the election are 50-50. Bush says his odds are a little better at 70-50. -Craig Kilborn

Good news about the election is it's about over. The bad news is one of these guys will be president! -David Letterman

The problem is this: We got two guys that really want to be president ... Al Gore and Dick Cheney! -David Letterman

Standards was the main issue involved in the Supreme Court decision. The main one was that there were no standards to counting votes. All of a sudden we're worried about standards? If we had any standards, these two guys wouldn't have been candidates! -Jay Leno

George W. Bush has remained calm during the court hearing. I can understand why. That was the first time he's been to court with no breathalyzer involved.-Jay Leno

Until the election is resolved Dick Cheney has rescheduled all heart attacks. -David Letterman

Half of the country will accept the election results, the other half will not. Today George w. Bush said he feels confident that the country will see him as legitable. -Conan O'Brien

It's over! The big story: Gilligan beat the Professor! -Jay Leno

George W. Bush hasn't been this happy since his Daddy got him into the National Guard.-Jay Leno

Did you hear the latest? The latest is Bush might not become president. It's not over, no, no. Apparently it seems everyone who works at the White House has to take a drug test.-Jay Leno

George W. Bush said that given the circumstances it'll be a dignified inauguration. He said he'll have a simple swearing-in ceremony at noon on January 20th, followed by a huge toga party. -Jay Leno

This was a busy day for George W. Bush. He spent the whole day at the mall shopping for five Supreme Court justices. -Jay Leno

That shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices, instead of it being the other way around.-Jay Leno

I want to congratulate our own NBC news network. They announced five weeks ago Bush was the winner. We were ahead of our time! -Jay Leno

George W. Bush is already busy working on his first foreign policy blunder. -David Letterman

People have low expectations for George W. Bush. Earlier today Bush said he'd do his best to live up to them!-David Letterman

No matter who you voted for, you've got to feel good the election is over. Last night was exciting. Gore gave a speech. In Gore's speech he said he had no idea what he'd do next. Then President-elect Bush gave his speech and said the same thing. -Conan O'Brien

Earlier today the Secret Service released that George W. Bush's code name will be "Tumbler." This is true. Dick Cheney's code name will be "Quick, call 911!" -Conan O'Brien

The Secret Service announced that President Bush's code name is going to be "Tumbler" because the name "Bumbler" was already taken by Dan Quayle. -Conan O'Brien

A minister at George W. Bush's church compared Dubya to Moses. That's because both Moses and George W. Bush were lost for 40 years! -Conan O'Brien

Now that the election is over, Bush is focusing on the holidays. He's now dropped the deer-in-the-headlights look for the more festive reindeer-in-the-headlights look. -Jay Leno

The inauguration for George W. Bush will be a modest party. Some of the celebrities attending the George W. Bush inauguration party will be Mickey Rooney, Charlton Heston and Brooke Shields. Sounds more like an old Bob Hope Christmas Special! -Jay Leno

USA Today printed a little biography of new first lady Laura Bush. Did you know she is a librarian? She is a librarian by profession. I'm not sure where she and George first met, but I think we can rule out the library. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush's first job will be to unify the country. His second job is going to be to find out how those model ships get into those bottles. -Conan O'Brien

The Bush people are busy working on a big inaugural party. I don't know who they are going to get to entertain, but I think we can rule out Barbra Sreisand. -Jay Leno

Of course President-elect Bush gave a speech last night. He said he'll use his military experince he learned in the National Guard to help him as president. I guess he'll be commander in chief one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer.-Jay Leno

Finally, the courts in Florida can get back to what they do best - sentencing Daryl Strawberry! -Jay Leno

A symbolic transfer of power took place today. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush had lunch together today. Bush said he had eaten in the White House before when his daddy was president. But this was the first time he got to sit at the grown-ups' table. -Conan O'Brien

Florida will be reforming their election laws, I'm sure. I think they'll be making it easier for Republicans to steal the election. -David Letterman

This morning Laura Bush woke up in bed next to the president of the United States. Only three or four thousand women that can say that! -David Letterman

Some people wonder what we are doing in Bosnia. Why must our troops serve in Bosnia? It all goes back to the Dayton Peace Accord. Things could be worse, though, they could be serving in Dayton. -David Letterman

The troops here tonight are part of Task Force Eagle; 85 percent of the troops in the operation are male and 15 percent of the troops are made up of females. This percentage is also the same makeup of Janet Reno! -David Letterman

George W. Bush resigned as governor of Texas today. This marks the first time he's ever left a job without going bankrupt. -Jay Leno

Governor Bush is on vacation in Florida. Way to take a break. Every time you see him, he's doing something. Like today, he was golfing. That's his favorite sport because the low number wins. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush is vacationing in Florida. He caught a fish today on the beach. He skinned it, and when he opened it up to cook it, four more ballots fell out for Al Gore! -Jay Leno

The Economy

The economy appears to be slowing down. Now, I don't want to scare anyone, but today Alan Greenspan took a second job! -Jay Leno

The Bush Cabinet

George W. Bush is busy putting together a Cabinet. So if you're a balding, middle-aged white guy with arthritis, then get in line! -David Letterman

Give Bush credit. He's putting together his Cabinet, he's stressing diversity in his Cabinet. He already has two blacks and two Hispanics in his Cabinet. Bush already has more blacks in his Cabinet than what voted for him. -Jay Leno

So far, Bush has named two women to his Cabinet. That's fair, but no president has stuck women in more positions than Clinton. -David Letterman

Diversity is the key in choosing the Bush Cabinet. Give him credit. Do you have any idea on how diverse he's getting? Today for surgeon general he chose Dr. Dre.-Jay Leno

President-Barely-elect George W. Bush nominated defeated Missouri senator John Ashcroft to [be] attorney general. Bush had high praise for him; he called him a "major league Ashcroft." Dick Cheney then said, "Big time."-Jay Leno

New Jersey governor Christie Todd Whitman will be the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, which means that one day the entire country will be as clean as New Jersey. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush has selected New Jersey Governor Christine Todd Whitman for chairman of the EPA. The first thing she will do to protect the environment is close down New Jersey. -Conan O'Brien

Today George W. Bush nominated Donald Rumsfeld for secretary of Defense. Bush didn't have much to say about him. He just likes him because he has the word rum in his name. -Jay Leno

Rumsfeld was secretary of Defense at the end of the Vietnam War. Well, quite a feather in his cap. Let's hope he can duplicate that success again. -Jay Leno

George W. bush has nominated Donald Rumsfeld for secretary of defense. Rumsfeld served 20 years ago during the Ford administration. Today Rumsfeld said that he can't wait to bring our troops home from Vietnam!-Jay Leno

More Cabinet appoinments made by George W. Bush. Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson will be in charge of health. Someone from the cheese state in charge of health? First someone from New Jersey to clean up the environment, and now someone from the cheese state in charge of health. Who's going to be the drug czar? A guy from Colombia? -Jay Leno

The Clintons

The White House announced that the president and Hillary will be visiting Buckingham Palace later this week. That should make Clinton feel homesick for Arkansas. Three generations of the same family living in the same house, all with bad teeth! I bet that will bring back memories.-Jay Leno

President Clinton is in Ireland trying to bring Protestants and Catholics together. Wife Hillary is accompanying him. Guess Clinton wanted to show the Irish that if he and Hillary can live together, anybody can do it. -Jay Leno

There was one embarrassing moment yesterday. Clinton had too much Guinness. He accidentally hit on Hillary. -Jay Leno

In a phone conversation with President Clinton, George W. Bush said he looks forward to working with Senator-elect Hillary Clinton. That's OK, she's used to being lied to by the president. -Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton met with Laura Bush today. They had tea at the White House. They both have something in common. They have no idea what their husbands are doing in the White House.-Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton has been offered 8 million dollars for her memoirs, only if they contain her husband's scandals. Something that I thought was nice today: President Clinton said he'd offer to cheat again just to raise the price just for her! Isn't that nice of him? -Jay Leno

The big story out is Hillary getting 8 million dollars for a book about her life in the White House that will include Bill's affairs. This could become one of those Time-Life books - you know, the ones where you get one every month. -Jay Leno

Hillary was offered 8 million dollars for her memoires. Bill then offered her 10 million not to release them.-Conan O'Brien

New York Senator Hillary Clinton's 8 million dollar book deal is drawing lots of criticism. That's one good thing about George W. Bush � we know he won't be writing any books. -Jay Leno

President Clinton and Senator-elect Hillary Clinton are looking to buy a house in Washington, D.C. They say they're looking for a modest home with a Jacuzzi that seats 12 people! -Jay Leno

Al Gore

Al Gore is just a mess! He's gotten fat through all of this. Today he stepped on the scales and he demanded a recount. -David Letterman

Republican leaders are saying that if everything goes their way, Al Gore will give a speech to concede. This is history! It marks the first time anyone has wanted Gore to make a speech! -Conan O'Brien

People felt Gore's biggest mistake was looking unnatural in the debates. He looked unnatural in those exaggerated stories. Basically too much makeup and trying to make up too much. -Jay Leno

Gore says he'll go back to the private sector. The next four years he'll be teaching people in Florida how to poke a hole in pieces of paper. -Jay Leno

Al Gore is said to have gone to bed without telling his aides if he would concede or not. He was up all night thinking about it. The only way he was able to fall asleep was by recounting sheep. -Conan O'Brien

I thought Al Gore gave a great speech. It was probably his best ever. Know what is weird about Al Gore? When the campaign was alive his makeup made him look dead. Now that his campaign is dead he looks alive. -Jay Leno

Gore referred to Bush as the president-elect and that he would be "my president too." Do you get the feeling that when Gore refers to Bush as president-elect it's the same as when Hillary refers to Bill as her husband? -Jay Leno

I don't know what Gore is doing next, but I think we can rule out a vacation in Florida. -Jay Leno

The amazing thing last night was that Gore called Bush to concede and didn't call back later on that night to retract it. He did, however, drive by the Texas governor's mansion and throw a brick in the window. -Conan O'Brien

Most Americans believe that if Gore runs for president in 2004, he will win. (applause) Now hold on, I just said he'd win - that doesn't mean he'll be president! -Conan O'Brien

A man was arrested outside George W. Bush's ranch in Texas for carrying some guns. Turns out it was Al Gore! -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

What goes around comes around. Mick Jagger is upset his daughter Elizabeth has dropped out of high school to become a full-time model. I can understand why he's upset. Models usually end up dating rock stars. I bet Mick is freaking out, thinking about the day when his daughter comes home and says, Dad I want you to meet your new son-in-law, Keith Richards! -Jay Leno

Happy birthday today to Keith Richards! He turns 57 today. Too bad he wasn't alive to see it. -Craig Kilborn

Brooke Shields will perform at George W. Bush's inauguration. This has Americans asking the same thing: Perform what?! -Craig Kilborn

John Gotti wants out of prison. He wrote a letter to Santa Claus asking for his release. The letter started out like this: "Dear Santa, If you ever want to see Rudolph ever again... -Craig Kilborn

Robert Downey Jr. was in court yesterday listening to the charges against him. I like Robert; he's been on the show a few times. But what happened to this guy? It goes in one nostril and out the other. -Jay Leno

Robert Downey Jr. is still free on bond. The bad news is he's being driven around by Shannon Doherty! Did you hear about that? Shannon Doherty was arrested for drunk driving. Her blood alcohol level was 90210! -Jay Leno

Madonna

Madonna is getting married! Shes been waiting for her wedding night � she's been practicing for it her whole life!-Jay Leno

I sent Madonna and Guy Ritchie a wedding gift. I sure hope it gets there before the divorce happens! -Jay Leno

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting married. For her sake, I hope this doesn't turn into a media circus! Unlike Madonna, the wedding is not open to the public!-David Letterman

In the small Scottish town where Madonna is getting married, the town is expecting to make 2 million dollars. The mayor of the town said today that he would like Madonna to have her next few weddings in the town. -Conan O'Brien

Madonna is now married. She and Guy Ritchie have had their first fight on their honeymoon. Turns out he wanted to go sightseeing and she wanted to start seeing other people.-Conan O'Brien

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on their honeymoon. That's got to be tough on him, coming up with something new that she hasn't done. How would you like to walk into the room in a rubber suit, with jumper cables and a goat, only to hear, "Honey, I've done that"? -Jay Leno

Science And Technology

Stanford University has developed a drug for women that are compulsive shoppers. Here's how it works: No matter what you buy, it makes your ass look bigger. -Jay Leno

A new study finds that smoking marijuana will slow down sperm. Who did this? Who conducts this stuff? What, did they give Willie Nelson a Playboy and a radar gun? How do they come up with this stuff? -Craig Kilborn

NASA has announced that it will send a robot to the planet Pluto. See, I knew something would open up for Al Gore. -Jay Leno

Scientists now think they know when prehistoric woman developed hairless modern-day breasts. It was about the same time that man started walking erect. -Craig Kilborn

According to this month's issue of Men's Health magazine, after four drinks a man can't perform sexually. Do you think that's true? Four drinks kill a man's sex drive? Then why are there so many people named Kennedy? -Jay Leno

The Holiday Season

Everyone is getting in the mood for the holidays. Today President Clinton hung mistletoe under his desk.-David Letterman

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanzaa � Happy everything! I finally finished my Christmas shopping today. I'm glad to get it done. I got all the women I know gift certificates for Victoria's Secret. I got all the men I know a catalog for Victoria's Secret!-Jay Leno

I saw an ad today; it's called "The Christmas Pharmacy Pack." This is a real thing, a gift pack. You get Xenical, Rogaine and Viagra. I'm not making this up, and what better way to tell that special guy how much you care about him than by reminding him he's fat, bald and impotent! -Jay Leno

According to the Consumer Products Safety Commission, the most unsafe toy this Christmas to buy is the Barbie Malibu Crack House! -Conan O'Brien

There is no hot toy this season. No Elmo, no Beanie Baby, no Teletubbie. Kids can't agree on what toys they want. See what we've done? We've created a nation of little undecided voters!-Jay Leno

It is Christmas time. Everywhere you look, everyone is getting into the holiday season. at 7-Eleven they are now selling reindeer jerky! -Jay Leno

The robot dog is a big Christmas item. I went and bought one the other day. It's just like a real dog - it sticks its head in your crotch. So I went back to the store and ... got some more batteries! -Craig Kilborn

It's Christmas time in L.A. People are talking about real ones and fake ones, and they are talking about Christmas trees! -Jay Leno

Everyone here is festive! Even the New York Police Department. If you are a tourist in New York during the holidays and you get murdered, the police will make your body outline with a can of aerosol snow. -David Letterman

Today is the busiest mailing day of the year. The Postal Service wanted me to pass this reminder along to you. If your things aren't in the mail today, they won't be lost in time for Christmas! -David Letterman

It's December 22! If you're taking a gift down to the post office, it better be a gift for somebody working at the post office! -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

In Gainsville, Florida, there will soon be an ice cream parlor just for dogs. The parlor will serve all the regular toppings and flavors along with every dog's favorite ... nuts!-Craig Kilborn

A man in India has grown his fingernails the last 50 years! His nails are four feet long! The scariest part is for a living, he was a proctologist.-Jay Leno

Today is the 97th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' first flight. Now, you know they didn't think this out - no one flies over the holidays! -Jay Leno

A woman in Illinois has been taken to court because she still breast-feeds her son even though he is now 5 years old. And you thought it was embarrassing when your mom brought YOUR lunch to school! -Jay Leno

7-Eleven, the gas station line, will soon be coming out with their own cosmetic line. The slogan for the line is going to be "Sometimes a girl just wants to feel skanky!" -Craig Kilborn

Police have arrested seven soldiers in Fort Carson, Colorado, for robbing a McDonald's. How sad is that? I guess the 7-Eleven was too fortified! -Jay Leno

Police in Kennedy, Texas, are searching for seven inmates that escaped prison. Actually, they didn't escape. This is how Texas conserves electricity - they just let a few go free.-Jay Leno

The search is still on for seven escaped convicts. They escaped from a prison in Texas on Wednesday. They have managed to stay out of jail longer than Robert Downey Jr.!-Jay Leno

The Fox network has purchased the broadcasting rights to the classic movie "The Sound of Music" for the next five years. In order to boost the ratings, however, Fox will give it a new name, "When Singing Nazis Attack"! -Conan O'Brien

Sad news. The man that invented the cue card died. The cue card king, Barney McNulty, passed away. Everyone in Hollywood is speechless. -Jay Leno

Today on "The Jerry Springer Show" they featured Jerry talking to a 700-pound man. The worst part for the guy was that the camera adds 10 pounds. Talk about having a bad day!-Jay Leno

The movie "Traffic" is due out soon. It's about international drug trade. Robert Downey Jr. is out promoting the movie and he's not even in it! -Jay Leno

The latest census figures are out. The population of the United States is now 281 million! We can count how many people live in the U.S. down to the exact person, but we can't count how many people voted for Al Gore in Florida! -Jay Leno

Sports

There is controversy over Sports Illustrated picking Tiger Woods as its Sportsman of the Year. Let's see here, Sports Illustrated is owned by Time Warner, which is on planet Earth, which is owned by Tiger Woods. Yeah, I can see the controversy. -Craig Kilborn

The Purdue Boilermakers football team is here tonight. In town for the Rose Bowl. Did you know George W. Bush is a big fan of yours? Every morning in college he had a boilermaker.-Jay Leno

We have some Washington Huskies in the audience tonight. When I first heard the name Washington Huskies I thought it was a store in Washington, D.C., where all of Clinton's girlfriends went to shop for clothes.-Jay Leno