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This is the diary of the Norfolk boat trip 2003. Not being sober before getting on the boat to leaving it 7 days later means some of the details may not be entirely accurate and things may have occured on different days than it says but you'll be able to get the general idea of the trip. Nothing has been fabricated or exaggerated though and if anything the liberal drug taking and heavy drinking was far in excess of anything you'd ever suspect (and we have the pictures to prove it).

Day 1: On the 5th of July 2003 it all started, having driven around in circles for bloody ages thanks to Sam who go a bit confused as to which river we were on, we finally found the place. Finished with all the paperwork and signing away even more cash we loaded the boat with booze and half-heartedly listened to the bloke's instructions while trying not to appear too pissed or fall off the boat. With the parents out the way and the boaty type out of sight we drank all Sam's Smirnoff Ice things and possibly did some shopping, then it was off down the river. Don't think we got that far because we ended up mooring in some lake on what Sam informs me is a pontoon only about a mile up the river. Being too pissed Dan never manged to figure out how to work the bed and so slept in a distinctly right-angular position resulting in a posture resembling a banana for the rest of the trip. Remember little else about the evening except that we couldn't figure out how to work the oven and Cheeseman ate most of the ganja cookies (resulting in a 2day coma). Woke up to find my crate of stellas (24 cans) all but gone, crippling hangover gave clues as to were it went.

Day 2: Go back to the boat place to be informed that the oven does work we just couldn't figure it out, after embarassing silence we leave to get a McDonalds. It took about 20min to fill the water tank on the boat up but unfortunately since all the taps were left on it emptied even quicker. Sometime today Sam (weighting in at 13stone) busted the driving seat by leaning back to far and someone accidentally pulled the door off its hinges. After restocking the booze cabinets we started off in the general direction of Great Yarmouth at some time during the day. Drink flows freely and I seem to remember the poppers made their first appearence today. Found a private lake and Dan went swimming for some reason (being pissed would be my guess). Moored up in some lake in some trees and started work on a windmill, smoking comences seconds after completion of the 6 jointer. Due to Cheggaz recent episodes wiv various pills he was well up for my pure MDMA powder (who wouldn't be) and once he regained consciousness (about 8pm) Me, Dan and Cheggaz munched it up. He also took a bit of a liking to Sam's poppers, condeming himself to look like a beetroot for the rest of the night. Believe it was today that Dan blocked the front toilet, limiting us to only one toilet for the rest of the trip.

Day 3: Unmoor and scuttle in the direction of Great Yarmouth, spot pub and grab some pints. Can't take much due to hangover and the scorching heat but it's agreeded that we need more munch so we start walking to Accles (except Dan who doesn't look like he could get anywhere) while a boaty bloke fixed the driving seat. Some shopping is done but obscurely the town appears close down on Mondays so the Chinese takeaway is out of the question. Get taxi back to boat and restock booze cabinets. Water tank is refilled but yet again at least one tap is left on so all the water disappeared almost instantly. Under normal circumstances this might cause a problem but since no-one could be arsed with the washing up and everyone was drinking beer 24/7 we didn't notice for a couple of days. After stopping for a while so Dan could take a few swings at some ducks with a barge pole we floored it and arrived in Great Yarmouth late afternoon. Met up wiv the girls onboard their boat, the Edinbugh Castle, which was in considerably better condition than ours at this point (but lacked the distinctly herbal smell). Went to the pub feeling already quite inebriated from a hard day inebriating myself then back to the boat for the evening's smokage. The girls turned up pissed at the door later on for the toilet during mid smoke; smoking continued. Believe Cheeseman may have dropped his crappy pill ealier on but as suspected it only resulted in zombification for the next two days.

Day 4: Trek into Great Yarmouth to pick up more booze, manage to find a shop selling poppers and purchase 4 bottles of the good stuff along with an inflatable pig. Also find a tobacco shop and Sam's gets himself a suitable bong, smoking of said bong starts about 5min after returning to the boat. Blowup pig is duely strapped to the front of the boat before leaving in the direction of Norwich at maximum speed. After traversing a monster lake we moor up outside a pub but being to fucked already no-one actually makes it to pub. Smoking/drinking continues throughout the night, I pass out, I wake up a couple of hours later and bonging resumes albeit with slightly fewer numbers this time. Dan's proper pissed from swigging whiskey all day and start firing off bits of paper in his newly purchased air rifle while knocking back more whiskey in an egg cup. Eventually passes out and rolls onto the fall in his dunken stupor (on top of Ravi).

Day 5: Wake up around midday to find Sam already smoking a bong and not wanting to look like a fool I spark one up. One bong lead to another and by 2pm no-one could stand upright. Think we managed to get about 200m up the river to Reedham and gave up at that point. Little else is remembered about day 5.

Day 6: Was rudely awoken by Cheeseman running around the boat at about 6am, find out later that there was a method to his madness since the boat hadn't been moored up properly and we had been floating down the river half the night. With a little help from some boaty types he managed to get it under control though and moored up somewhere. That is until Sam decided it wasn't a suitable mooring location at all and scudding off at full throttle without unmooring properly. Unsurprisingly several mooring posts were ripped out of the decking along with a sizable chunk of decking, setting us back £60 and shaming the entire Contesa crew. After refilling the water tank at Great Yarmouth for the washing up, which was reaching dangerous heights by this time, we departed and throttled it all day and arrived in some narrow river somewhere. Out of desperation at not being able to hit any ducks with his air rifle Dan sets his sights on something more stationary, the inflatable pig. Had BBQ and enjoyed several beverages before beginning the main smoking for the day, pig is eventually burnt and used for target practice.

Day 7: Did something between waking up and arriving back at the pontoon thing but can't remember what, probably remained unconscious would be my bet. Minutes after mooring up Dan & Stagg decided they were hungry, de-moored and started in the direction of the McDonalds at Wroxham. Moored out of sight of the boaty geezers to avoid them spotting the state of the boat until the next day, after the cleanup operation had taken place and retrieved McDonalds. Scuttled almost imediately (or maybe after re-stocking the booze) and made excellent time with myself at the helm. Was let down only by the sharp hairpin into the lake with the pontoon in it, cornering was textbook (probably) but slightly too fast to avoid the oncoming boat. After exchanging plesantries with the hitler look-a-like and his wife we were soon back at the pontoon and the last night of major smokage began. Decision was made not to smoke in the boat today in a last ditch attempt to prevent the boat smelling like it had been chonged in for a week solidly but was forgotten earlier on in the day. With the convenience of the pontoon though, smokage was conducted there rather than the boat but result was the same, everyone got completely cained. Especially Ravi who after comissioning two King-L's for himself and smoking one, rapidly became paralysed and remained unmoved on the pontoon for the next few hours. Not wanting to let the other spliff go to waste it was quickly smoked up to the particular satisfaction of Dr. Dan. A double-king was duely constructed (by me) and soon put all the lightweights to sleep, leaving only Stagg and myself to chong to the end. Feeling bored and with it being the last night and everything it was decided that a tulip was in order, work began thereafter. Using a 3 fag bong mix I found lying around we packed it out and enjoyed a nice smooth toke on the pontoon, followed by a few bongs to finish up and then promptly passed out.

Day 8: Had to return the boat at 9am today so a frantic cleanup operation was put into action and apart from the broken door, broken sunroof, broken driver's chair, blocked toilet, fucked engine, distinct smell of ganja in the air and a few new scratches, the boat was in good shape. Everyone returns home to the depths of normality and sobriety, the Norfolk boat trip of 2003 now officially over.



Statistics:

Drink - 40 cans of stella (440ml), 24 bottles of stella (330ml), 6 large bottles of stella (660ml), 2 bottles of scotch, 1 bottle of black vodka, 8 cans of scrumpy jack, 22 cans of K cider (440ml @ 8.9%) and 16 cans of fosters (440ml). That's 368 units of alcohol altogether or 184 pints of stella if you want to look at it that way (or about 500 fosters if you want to look at it Sam's way but who the hell would drink nats piss?)

Fags - about 400 fags chained, mostly by Stagg I suspect, although it has to be said, a fair amount of them did end up in bong mixes and spliffs

Poppers - almost 5 brand spanking new bottles (the large bottles as well not the small ones)

Ganja - went with a 9bar of hash (9Oz) came back with about 3Oz, the bulk of the smoking being carried out by Stagg, Dr. Dan, Sam and myself. For reference this means about 200 bongs were smoked along with around 30 spliffs of various sizes in addition to the 1 1/4 Oz in the cookie mix which was munched on the first day (mainly by Cheeseman).

Other inebriants - the best part of a gram of pure MDMA and some crappy pill Cheeseman brought along.

Crashes - too many to count

Vomit - we believe that only 3 people chundered in the entire trip! (and I wasn't one of them, flatout)