funnyquotes9

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone

You get what you pay for, unless you steal

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

If you believe in destiny, you'll always have something to blame.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever

I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.