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| Just wanted to let everyone know that I don't drink anymore.........thank you! thank you! But on that same note...I don't drink any less either! When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me Most of us have two chances of becoming financially wealthy ... slim and none. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. the only thing standing between you and your goals is you and your goals It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Most people work hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, and that should be sufficient. It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. Nonsense! For instance, if PacMan affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music Old people are a lot like old socks. The more they walk, the more they fall down. It's not me who can't keep a secret, it's the people I tell that can't. A real friend isn't the one bailing you out of jail. They're the ones sitting next to you saying, 'Man that was cool!' Sometimes you have to specifically go out of your way to get in trouble. It's called fun Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men like the lights on so they can get the woman's name right. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. There's no such thing as gravity... the earth sucks History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. "Oh Marge, roads are just a suggestion...like pants." - homer The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Supposedly I was created in god's image. I don't know... you'd think god would have a bigger penis than this. Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself. Everclear brand Grain Alcohol, official motto: "It looks like water, but it makes girls think you're really hot! The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Did you know that cigarette smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics? How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people. Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Remember, half the people you know are below average. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. |
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