funnyquotes7

there's too much blood in my alcohol system.

beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

nevermind the damn whales. save the people!

what is a "free" gift? aren't all gifts free?

most husbands would love to do all of the things that their wives suspect they're doing all the time.

never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

i used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

a chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

i don't not believe in miracles - i rely on them.

it is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.

i went to the missing persons bureau. no one was there.

dead owls don't give a hoot.

a halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.

the hardest thing in life is to do nothing - 'cause you never know when you're finished.

we put the "k" in "kwality".

i suhport publik edukashun.

hukt on foniks werked fur me.

i.r.s.: we've got what it takes to take what you've got!

a fool and his money are soon partying.

a fool and his money are soon... hey! where's my wallet?

everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

why are blondes so sexually promiscuous? who cares?

love thy neighbor! especially if she's blonde.

my wife ran off with my best friend.... and i sure do miss him!

ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

my home church welcoms all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twentys.

boycott shampoo... demand real poo!

those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't