funnyquotes3

God gave us brains and a dick. too bad he only gave enough blood for one of them at a time.

all the good ones, no matter what, are taken.

champagne to my real friends and real pain to my sham friends.

a computer does save time at work. now i can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.

anything free is worth what you pay for it.

an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

knowledge is power... but power corrupts... and corruption is a crime... and crime doesn't pay... so if you keep on studying you'll go broke!

always remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

if you aren't going to be good... at least be good at it.

who can i blame for my own problems? give me a moment... i'll find someone.

men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

friends help you move. real friends help you move bodies.

a conscience does not prevent sin. it only prevents you from enjoying it.

no sense being pessimistic. it probably wouldn't work anyway.

men like to barbeque. men will cook if danger is involved.

i don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path.

i may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

life is like a bed of roses. you just have to watch out for the pricks.

oh, i'm sorry, i thought that was a braille name tag

i said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

i'm always glad to share my ignorance - i've got plenty.

everyone is entitled to my opinion.

the original point and click interface was a smith & wesson.

don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

if a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?

never hit a man with glasses. hit him with something bigger and heavier.

i think sex is better than logic, but i can't prove it.

if you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation

alcohol and calculus don't mix. never drink and derive.

don't drink and drive. you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

don't steal. the government hates competition.