funnyquotes4

i may be getting older, but i refuse to grow up.

when i read about the evils of drinking, i gave up reading.

bullets speak louder than reason.

do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

warning: consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

i'm not working out. my philosophy: no pain, no pain.

hockey is nothing more than a war where people keep score.

the true definition of gun control is being able to hit the target.

my vote is for sale!! all you have to do is lower my taxes.

last night i played a blank tape at full blast. the mime next door went nuts.

just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

my wife keeps complaining i never listen to her... or something like that.

is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

men have more common sense than women. name one men's garment that zips up in the back.

why do we call it pms? because 'mad cow disease' is already taken.

don't be sexist. broads hate that.

earth first! we'll strip-mine the other planets later.

i just had skylights put in my place. the people who live above me are furious.

fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

i'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

all things are green unless they are not.

i used to think i was indecisive, but now i'm not sure.

clothes make the man. naked people have little or no influence on society.

all women have a touch of blonde, otherwise they'd all be men!

if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever i say it, i immediately wash my mouth with chocolate!

leave - so we can talk about you.

cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. in other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

never buy a rolex from someone who is out of breath.

if at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.