funnyquotes1

there's two theories to aruguing with women. neither one works

some people are funny. they spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like...

she who laughs, lasts

the early bird get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

stop the q-tip when you hit resistance.

if you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there

sometimes i think i understand everything. then i regain consciousness.

it's true hard work never killed anybody, but i figure, why take the chance?

don't eat the yellow snow

i may not be perfect, but i'm always me.

life is what happens to us while we're making other plans

when gary told me he found Jesus, i thought, yahoo! we're rich! but it turned out to be something different.

Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot.

broken promises don't upset me. i just think, why did they believe me?

i work very hard- please don't expect me to think as well..

i'm planning to retire and live off my savings. what i'll do the second day, i have no idea.

rehab is for quitters.

the only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

the main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. it's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.

anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.

guns don't kill people, it's those little holes.

you can go a long way with a smile. you can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

fight crime: shoot back!

a friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.

hooked on ebonics be kickin' it for me!

a man needs a good memory after he has lied.

consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

i'd enjoy my day more if it started later.