got an e-mail from brian. i tihnk he's okay. acutally, it was sent to me on sept. 28, but i wasn't able to check my mail cause hotmail totally mcfucked up and said that i was under 13. i finally got to check my mail today, and i checked my personal profile, and my birthday was put down as november 12, 1982. hotmail keeps mcfucking up. i was supposed to get something from brandon on like, sat, and i never got it. more missing e-mail... grrr... anyways, sat night... pierce and i had damn good sex on top of the refrigerator in the closet... and he ate me out. i must've come at least 3-4 times, and it was like one of the very few times anyone's been able to get me to come just by eating me out... all i could say afterwards was, "wow..." it was just damn good sex, the best i had that weekend. hell, the sex that weekend was just GREAT. like, steffi got me to come by eating me out, but this was like a thousand times better. this was like, the writhing, deeply denetrating, tingly in your toes, walking around sore for the next 2 days, and forever screaming for more kind of sex. and every night, i slept next to pierce, with his arms wrapped around me. that was great too... *sigh* pierce looks so cute when he's sleeping. i just want to hug him and kiss him, and stay snuggled up to him. i was talking to him, and he said, "i just like having my arm draped over you, feeling your heat against me..." i melted... *giggle* yes, last weekend was the first time i had actually gotten fed and a good sleep in a really really long time. anyways, today, woke up cause my aunt came over and asked me to show her where my pc was and she had to use it. then i coudn't go back to sleep, so i waited for her to get off, and then i got on, talked to pierce for a little bit when he got back fom class, he went to class, i talked to kate and brandon for a while, and then pierce came back and brandon got off, and pierce and i talked until i had to go to work. went to work, and bob didn't show cause someone in his family that he didn't know died. so i stayed for 3 and a half hours doing stuff... then i went home. my mum was being stupid, yet again. and so we had a little bitch fight. totally frustrted with her stupidity... hannah and i want to kill sara. and i'm trying to get daniel in on it. well, hannah doesn't really wanna kill sara, she wants to brainwash her and keep her on a leash so she can do things for us. maggie says that evil... no it's not! she deserves it, and she's stupid! and aimee's coming home tomorrow! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she's getting discharged!
3 octobre 2000 *i miss you!*
yeah... hm... i could type. but i'm way too lazy to say what went on today. comtemplating.. eh, fuck it, i'll do it tomorrow. working fri. got staff meeting next fri that's mandatory. calling in sick. dun wanna go! nina miss pierce. nina ish craving for ice cream too. bad combo. need money. need money to pay off that damn bill, pay off pierce, and buy nina some ice cream. and save to buy a little bug. and then skool. and then nina move far far away into another big city. and no one will find nina.
4 octobre 2000 *lazy*
still too damn lazy to do anything. sleep....... sleep is good..... stuff for pierce to DL: green velvet: "answering machine", pursuit of happiness- "i'm an adult now". stupid geocities won't let me upload them into my file manager so that pierce can DL them off my site. not happy. grrrrrr...... today, wanting sex, got overfed, grumpy cause everyone kept bothering me to wake up. i'll get around to writing everything later. not in a typing mood.... going to watch the simpsons now.
5 october 2000 *all i wanna do is sleep*
so, this is what i was gonna write 2 days ago. (thank you pierce for pestering me about writing nothing in this diary...) tuesday, 3 oct, i took a shower, left the house around 2:30pm, fully clothed, and i drove to chris's house with no license/learner's permit and without a perosn over 21 in the car. 'twas very very much fun. by the time nina had gotten there, chris had taken off cause his grandma had hecled him, and 2 min after nina got there, kate arrived! i told kate what happened, and we took my car and started to drive around, looking for chris. we couldn't find him, so we went back to his house, where his grandma said that he had come back , but since we weren't here and she had said that we had gone out driving to look for him, he had gone back out and started looking for us. so we got back in the car, and drove down old keene mill... we found chris! so we drove back to his house, and i dug around his fridge since i was starving as usual, cause i don't get fed regularly. then we played mario party. i totally kicked chris's and kate's bums! i left his house about 3:15, and sped the entire way home. and i had just pulled up into my house in the nick of time cause my aunt had come to pick me up for work. so i went to work, drooled over dr. adam mcclure, and went home @ 7:30. and when i got home, there was FOOD! it was chinese take-out from sichuan cafe. and of course, it disappeared within 15 min cause no ones ever gets fed around here. i scarfed down my food, and waited for my dad to finish eating so i could go to aimee's. (aimee, by the way, got discharged) someone told my mum about me driving, so i got my car key taken away. hung out with aimee, frank. went home around 9:30, my parents marveled over how much weight aimee had lost, and how aimee could fit into my clothes that i couldn't fit into anymore cause i had gained some weight. then they went on to tell her that i needed to lose a lot of weight and i was getting fat, so she needed to show me how to lose the weight. yesterday, walked from my house to aimee's, and almost died. i think i had heatstroke or something cause it was soooooo hot outside. kate, aimee, and i talked, ate some of that honey candy, and then aimee had to leave for her dentist appointment. kate and i went to chris's, but he wasn't home. he was @ work. so we went to my house, kate and i cooked up a storm. we watched cinderella and made fun of it... and then kate left. i got yelled at when my parents came home for not cleaning the house or whatever. keith and jason came over, and my dad flipped cause keith was cmoking a cigar, and there i was with two guys in front of my hosue. keith told me that everyone was starting to place bets on how long pierce and i would alst this time around. then my dad came out and he kept yelling and yelling and then he made them go away. my fun was ruined. today, i slept all day, talked to pierce, slept some more, talked to russell and pierce. aimee called a little while ago. maybe i'll get fed @ her house... anyways, i'm having a shitty moment. today, i feel really ugly and fat and it's all my parents fault. i was happy with myself and how i looked, minus my thighs and my little belly, but after what they said to aimee on tues, i feel more self-conscious. it's like i wasn't worried enough already about gaining any more weight, but they just had to say that to aimee, in front of me. so now i feel like crawling into a little hole and sleeping some more in hopes that everyone will shut up and stop bothering me. i think i'm going to cry too. i just feel so empty, so dead inside. my mother just bought vietnamese noodles for her and my my dad to eat. and she knows that sara, hannah, and i hate eating it. i know she did it on purpose. she wants us all to starve, cause she indulges in her every whim, even when she knows we can't afford it. stupid bitch. i hate her too. i hope she dies a slow, horrible painful death... of course she's going to ask me to help her, but i'm not going to. i'm going to watch her suffer and scream, and say, "fuck you, bitch. you deserve it and you know it." you know what else? it's sad when your boyfriend takes better care of you than your own fucking parents. that's really low... your parents are supposed to be there for you and love you and take care of you, but HA! mine don't even do that! oh sure, i get a roof over my head, but i have to buy my own clothes and shoes and whatever else i want. i don't even get fed properly anymore. i just have scrounge around and make do with whatever's in the house. that's fucking bullshit. and then there's the occasional abuse that happens every now and then just because i didn't do something so little, so trivial. i get smacked across the face for nothing. i hate my family. i hate them all. so here i am, tired, hungry, bitter and angry. no food in the house to eat, nothing to do, and no car or key. i just want to drive and get the hell out of my house. maybe drive all over the place. i should disappear yet again... such a nice thought. i'm not okay... okay, i feel better now. i just took a nice long long bath... i'm still starving. pierce is pheening... started thinking about things with pierce and me. thinking after he visits for fall break, and after all the sex that ineveitably will happen, we don't have sex for a year. and see how he does with that. if he starts to drift or just drifts, then i'll know... and if he doesn't, then good-- i'll have at least one good, decent relationship to make me forget all the bad ones, and i'll know that this is for real. simple as that. but right now, i don't think that this is serious, maybe a little, but not enough to make me notice. i think we talk to each other a bit too much. we have way too many ways to communicate with each other. so when we talk on the phone or anything, we have nothing to say because it's already been said. today, we were talking about him not being able to find another chick, and i told him that he's nice, sweet, sensitive and caring and stuff and he listens, and he said that the chicks just think of him as a good friend. i told him that they don't know what they're missing, and i don't think he believed me. *sigh* oh well, it'll just be a good secret to keep, cause the other chicks haven't bothered to look. :-)
6 octobre 2000 *are you pondering what i'm pondering?*
been thinking about a lot of things... like pierce and i haven't really been talking about much. it's just, "hello, how r u?" "i'm fine." "good." there's nothing really to talk about. except for day-to-day stuff, but i think we already know what the other one's doing. it's kinda boring... maybe we just do better in person. :-P i dunno. he brought up the one year wihtout sex thing and he said, "okay, so why don't we start now?" and i was all like, "no, i don't wanna start now" and pierce wanted to know why... i wanted to start after he visited next weekend, cause i'm kinda pheening for a lot of sex, and if i get that out of the way, i won't pheen for it for a long time. maybe he understood... been thinking a little about brian. wondering how he's faring, where he is... haven't heard from him in a long time. supposedly, he's up here. eh, i'll prolly hear from him later. if not, then it was nice knowing him. kinda sad... got paid today. made $98.70, $91.20, after taxes... have to pay my aunt $20 for gas, got an $89 bill to pay off bmg or something... and then i have fucking $1,000 to pay for the echocardiogram i had done on my heart cause my parents are making me pay for it. stupid bitches. if they had filled out the medicaid form before i had that done, like the clinic told them to, we wouldn't have this problem. but no, i have stupid parents that lose every single piece of paperwork that needs to be filled out. headaches. hung out with nassar, daph, spectrum and chris today. nassar had a porn in the car... stacked schoolgrrls or something. wanted to borrow so i could laugh. nassar said it was one of those porns that were so stupid, but hilariously funny. we headed to the mall, and nassar cashed his paycheck, daph got some cinnatwists @ cinnabon, and then daph, spectrum, and i went to journeys to check out some shoes. daph wanted some adidas's but she had no money other than the money she was going to use to go underwear shopping. i showed her the converse one stars that i was going to get. 2 pairs. one in black, and the other in navy blue. :-) daph's friends spotted daph and we hung outside of the mall for a while. saw jimmy.... grrr... hate that bastard... and he smiled and waved and did all that happy "i'm down with everyone" bullshit. i wished i had a grenade and a grenade launcher with me so i could've blown him to bits. then we drove around for a while. nassar saw my sister and her friends standing in the middle of rolling road, and he was going to run over them, but they had already ran to the other side of the road. :-( we dropped spectrum and chris off. so we went back to my house, and nassar popped one of his painkillers cause the pain was starting to come back (he got his wisdom teeth pulled out.) nassar was giving me these funny looks along the lines of, "damn you're hot..." and i was just smiling. interesting conversations in the car: daph: "i hate men! so there's this guy i've been chilling with. and he's really hot. and he likes me! so we were going to start going out or something and i find out that he's sorta got a girlfriend. she's not really his girlfriend, she just likes to fuck him and stuff... anyways, he asks me out and brings that ho up and asks me, 'if we start going out, can she still fuck me and stuff?' i said, 'hell no!' and then he got all pissy and told me that i was being stupid and stuff! dude, he had mad problems... AGH! I HATE MEN!" nassar: "gee thanks." daph: "sorry... but dude, you're not dating material! if i dated you, it'd be like incest!" nassar: "oh that makes me feel better!" then we start talking about how nassar can't get a decent chick, and like how she'll be really hot, but a total stupid ditz. and then they'll just turn out to be skanky ho's and nassar was like, "dude, it sux." then we talked about kissing, how to teach a bad kisser how to kiss right, giving head, why daph doesn't like giving head, nassar's cum and how it tasted and stuff. nassar said that one time, after he had masturbated and cummed, he stuck his finger in his cum to see if it really was sugary, and licked it. he said that he didn't taste anything. LMAO. that was kinda gross. like, whenever i finger myself, i don't lick my finger to see how it tastes cause that's just a bit too kinkily for me. anyways... ah... shoes! dream shoes: pair of black satin manolo blahnik stiletto mules. *sigh* but they're like deadly expensive and it would prolly take me an entire year of saving to buy just one pair. scroo that. got a craving for ice cream again. not just any ice cream. ben and jerry's cool britannia ice cream. the one that's vanilla with strawberry chunks, chocolate covered shortbread, and if i remember correctly, strawberry swirls. yummy. went to work around 5:15, got ther @ 5:30. it was a full house today and very very noisy. my mummy got lost on the way to pick me up from work. aimee ditched me cause i was at work and she went to the mall. the mall isn't so fun anymore. tyson's, on the other hand, pretty good. better stores. :-) i think at this point i'm just rambling so i'm going to stop now. goodnight.
7 octobre 2000 *trance type thang*
earlier today: spending most of saturday on napster, DL-ing damn good trance/ambient stuff, mostly stuff from the ibiza '99 the year of trance cd. :-) very very soothing. current song being played over and over again: "offshore (disco citizens edit)" by chicane. *sigh* gonna lose myself in this nice music. 9:50 pm: pierce is out at a party. yay. i'm home again, and somewhat alone. sometimes, i don't know why i bother hanging out with aimee cause everytime i do, she ends up talking on the phone instead hanging out with me. but then again, i'm a pretty boring person... so yes, i went over to aimee's. i drove over there. my mum was scared. it was fun to scare the daylight out of my mother. right now, feeling neglected and unloved. maybe it's the lack of sun... it's fall and the sun is waning and nina's getting depressed again. if it gets really bad, going to try to get some help before i do something irrational. right now, wanna find my little razor and cut open my flesh and watch it bleed. because i'm feeling that bad right now, and i'm thinking if i cut myself, i won't hurt as much and i'll feel a little better cause i usually do. and the scars will go away in time. a couple minutes ago, i threw up most of what i had for dinner. so now, i'm feeling depressed, shitty, and kinda sick. becoming permanently narcoleptic sounds very appealing right now. sleep the rest of my life away and not deal with whatever's going on. actually, being in a semi-comatose state sounds a little better. it's just another day passed by in my mundane, meaningless exisistence. isn't it melodramatic? kinda pathetic, isn't it? and i'm waiting, waiting for something. i dunno what i'm waiting for. got this big gaping hole, sucking up everything. no amount of attention can fill it up, cause it's a black hole. for a little while, i'll feel better but that good feeling will disapear. and drinking to drown that hole isn't really working much. ah... drinking. alcohol everywhere! don't like what i'm doing to myself, but at the same time i do. dunno what i'm doing, where i'm going... funny, i've avoided drugs for most of the 17, almost 18 yrs i've been alive. and what's the point? we're all gonna die anyway, and i might as well just speed up the process. wasn't too happy about being here anyways... nina's hit another low! shall we put her back on her medication? prop her up with another stronger pill... 300 mg of something else cause lithium wasn't enough... another drug dependancy! anyone notice her addictive personality? no... we'll just keep giving her more happy pills. if this doesn't work, we'll give her another one! all i know how to do is nod my head and smile cause i'm just a pretty puppet. forgot how to listen to other people's problems cause mine started to matter a little more and now feeling a little selfish cause that all i talk about. ME. don't know how to deal with or solve them, those other people's problems. should stop paying so much attention to my own... "it's only when i lose myself in someone else that i find myself..."
7 octobre 2000 *on sunday morning..."
it's 9:37 am right now. the sun woke me up. i actually woke up around 6 am, and lay awake in my bed for a long long time, staring at my ceiling, at the ken doll. my mind was blank. and i couldn't go back to sleep... so i just lay there and stared until my eyes got tired. and now i ache everywhere. didn't dream any. i'm leaving soon for church... 10:13pm: hung out with aimee all day today. you know what? i remembered dreaming about something. it was about me driving around on I-395, and everyone on I-395 had just stopped and pulled over and started looking at the BLACK storm clouds rolling in. they were rolling in very quickly and a washington post photographer was taking pictures of the storm clouds. then suddenly, they were just there. the clouds were directly above us, and the sky had gone completely black. lightning stick the washington post photographer, and miraculously, he was still alive. and the only thing that was hurt was the camera. the film had melted to the insides. and it started to pour... flash flooding everywhere. i realized that i was controlling the weather with how i was feeling. and i was sad, depressed and angry... and i made I-395 flood over, and watched the cars float away. and lightning struck all the people around and the tried to drive away, but they couldn't. and the people who were in their cars when I-395 flooded, they drowned. i woke up when i made a tornado destroy all of springfield and most of the unfinished mixing bowl project. it was pretty kool. so today, i hung out with aimee. i was supposed to hang out with kate, but she kept running away and ditching me... so i hung out with aimee and her friend lisa. and we did stuff. aimee got mad @ ashley cause she gave out aimee's phone number to some random guy... but that guy turned out to be really really hot! so maybe he wasn't all that bad, lol! and aimee and ashley are kool now. :-p... silly aimee! lisa went home @ 6, and we stopped by a chick maned christina's house on the way. we cooked dinner for aimee's parents and it was pretty kool. aimee almost burnt the house down cause she was frying chicken and got a little carried away. but dinner was good. don't work until wednesday... BEFORE I FORGET, there were some poeople smoking weed on the playground today...
9 octobre 2000 *caught a lite sneeze*
it's cold. i think i caught a cold too, cause my nostrils are all congeted and it's hard to breathe. PIERCE AND I ARE TALKING!
15 octobre 2000 *GONE!*
pierce is leaving today. he came to visit for fall break on the 12th... thursday, we went to nassar's and watched final destination. i got drunk and jeff was watching my alcohol intake cause he didn't want me stumlbing around and stuff. friday, went to work, fri morning really really early, around 6:30-ish. got off work around 10:30 am, and pierce picked me up. we went to potomac mills with his mummy and daniel and we went clothes shopping. pierce fingered me in one of the dressing rooms, hehehe... i think we could've had sex in the dressing room and gotten away with it. there weren't any camera and there wasn't a dressing room attendant anywhere. we went to burger king and ikea afterwards, and it was pretty kool. then we went to annandale high skoll to drop off daniel cause he wanted to play a role playing game. so pierce and i went back to my house and we had what i think is the best sex we've had so far. it just keeps getting better, and if it isn't good, it's just one of those nights. it's not the end; it'll just be better next time. :-) anyways, i was basically moaning really loud and pierce actually made some noise. that was pretty kool. we cuddled for a little bit, and then he wanted to see what was on my pc, so he got to see all my mp3's. and we went back to pick up daniel cause he had to work. we looked all over for him and walked all over annandale high skool and we couldn't find him. so we went back, and there he was. so we took him to work. we ate dinner, watched tv, and keith called. he wanted us to come over to rebecca's. so around 9:30, after we had picked up daniel from work, we went to rebecca's. we played monopoly and that got kinda boring. so keith, rebecca, and daniel went to go get gas, and pierce and i had sex in the basement. they got back, we stopped. so we left and went cruising-- playing pididdle. i lost horribly and i was the only one naked. and i was just sitting there in the car, chillin naked. it was pretty kool. we went back to rebecca's house and had more sex-- in her bathroom. hehe, anal sex... well, pierce was talking about "giving your cunt a tongue lashing and fucking you up the ass." and well, it got me kinda horny-- okay, really really horny. anyways, we played guess who, and then we left around 2 in the morning. saturday, worked in the morning. worked in the afternoon. got a ride to pierce's, but he wasn't there. so i waited, and he came home. went to blockbuster, had a movie night. i made pierce watch rocky horror picture show for the first time and he didn't like it cause of all the singing. he only liked time warp. he made me watch 13th warrior, but i kinda ambushed him when keith and rebecca went upstairs. hehe, he fingered me during the movie, and i was gripping the seat cushion, panting. couldn't moan cause then his parents would've woken up... we had more sex and it was great... hehehe, we were behaving badly! got home around 2:30 am again, and i overslept for work this morning. i called in and said i couldn't come in, and the lady i was supposed to be working with got really really mad and slammed the phone down cause she was there all by herself. i need an alarm clock... and so i go into work today in the afternoon, and i hope that the chick i'm supposed to work with isn't still mad at me. and i now have an 11pm curfew, which i think is totally totally ridiculous. grrr...
17 octobre 2000 *my head's full of things that i can't mention*
last night, i felt so horrible. i cried and cried and cried until i thought that i coudn't cry anymore only to start crying again. and when i woke up, my eyes were still swollen. my dad was being a huge asshole. he tells me to get a job, or he's kicking me out of the house. so i get a job. then he says, get a full time job, or i'm kicking you out of the house. so i get more hours, so it's a full time job. then he says i'm not driving you to work anymore and you have to find your own way to work and i'm still kicking you out when you turn 18. you're a loser. you don't have a driver's license and you're out of high skool. you're just a stupid stupid girl! you're not going to skool! you're not important! and all this other bullshit. and my mum kept telling me that i'm fat and i'm ugly and i need to lose weight. and so what little self esteem that i've worked for years in therapy to build up to function as a normal person has been crushed. it's basically non-existent. and the more i thought about it, that's how it's always been. they tell me to go out and do something productive, and when i finally do, they're not happy with it. they're not ever supportive. like theatre. i would've finally made it into the thespian society last year, but they raised hell about it and bitched about me staying at skool late and had a huge fight over it and that was one of the very few things i did that made me happy. and they took that away from me. i wouldn't hit the bottle so hard... they don't understand, they don't care, they don't listen. they say that they love me, but they treat me like shit, so i don't believe them. i'm tired of putting up with everyone else's shit. it's like i have a sign on my forehead, screaming, "WALK ALL OVER ME!" so i've dsecided that everyone hates me and no one wants me around and i'm just dead weight. someone should kill me. i should've killed myself a long long time ago. i should've taken at least 2 bottles of tylenol and let my liver destroy itself. and you know what? they are winning. they've gotten me to think that i am fat, i'm ugly, i'm stupid, everyone hates me, and i'm not wanted. THEY'VE WON! and now i'm just nothing. i'm just an empty shell... everything's wrong, it won't get better, and i've been disowned in my own right. and i don't know if i've ever been really loved at all, by anyone. and i have loved, only to be pushed away, thrown out, and broken. i don't know why i bother anymore. and well, pierce... i don't know if he really does love me either. for most of the weekend, it was kool, it's just that when i walked in the room thursday night, he didn't even look up from the movie to say hi. he didn't hug me or kiss me. he didn't think of calling me to tell that he got there. :-p and then it was kool for the rest of the weekend. and it's hard! there's not much ever to talk about! it's just the same, boring, everyday stuff. nothing ever happens! it's just too routine! i don't know how i stand, i don't know what i am to him. i don't know what i am to anyone...