february in his turn knocked with the crook, shook his beard and shrilled



			2 fevrier 2000 my heart goes shalalala in the morning i went to fairfax hospital today to get an echocradiogram done. my appointment time was at ten, but my dad dropped me off at the front at 8 am because he had to go to work. and when i was registering at the hospital, i found out that i had to have my dad register for me because i'm 17, and i'm still a minor. so i called my dad, and he came in at 10:30 pm, and signed all the consent forms, blah, blah, blah. he told me to call joshua's dad (my uncle) to come and pick me up when i was done. and then the nurse took me into a dark little room and told me to take off everything from waist up and then she left. i had to put on a gown, which really isn't any fun. she used a sonogram machine to take pictures of my heart, and she also recorded the way my heart beats and the way my valves open and close. i got to see a little of it, and i saw that when my valves close, they close, but they don't close tightly enough, so the valves open up again for a millisecond, and then it shuts. and i also got to hear my heart beat. my heart doesn't go lub-dub like everyone else's. it goes, "shwooshy swoosh swoosh shwooshy swoosh shwooshy swoosh swoosh..." it's irregular.

	"Dusted" Willian Wegman, 1996

that was really really kool. and the gel they use for the sonogram is very cold. after that, i called my uncle's cellphone so that he could come and pick me up, but he had it turned off so i left a message. i called my aunt to pick me up, but she wasn't home. so i called my mum, and she had to miss her much break to drive me to skool. she was really mad, and screamed, "your dad always makes trouble!" we stopped by mcdonald's cause i hadn't had anything to eat at all today. so i inhaled my chicken sandwhich because the mcdonald's we went to was really close to my skool and lunch had ended an hour ago. as soon as i walked into my us/va govt. class, mr. mcmenamin (better known as mr. mac) yelled, "five mintues until the exam!" i had no idea what was going on because i hadn't been at skool all day. i looked over at jen and said, "hey, sexy bitch, what's going on?" she laughed and said, "you have five mintues to study for the exam." and i asked her what happened at lunch, since something always happens at lunch. and she said, "it was really interesting as usual." and then she pointed to the corner, and who should i see taking his exam? JIMMY. ewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways, i was giggling and saying, "ewwwwwwww!!!!! yucky!!!!" and when he went to go turn in his exam, i hissed, "dirty rat!!!" he looked at me really funny, and got his stuff and left. jen started cracking up. i took my exam, and it was the easiest exam that i had ever taken in my entire life. after that, i went home, and yesh, today was a good day, even though some people forgot to pick me up. 4 february 2000 disillusioned feeling strangely paranoid and disillusioned today. steffi is not feeling too well, and she's regretting and questioning everything that she's done in the past 2 yrs. :-( it's just one of those days everything's fucked everybody sux... yeah, i'm sick of all this he siad she siad bullshit. kate and dave got into a huge fight when i was there, and kate started crying. i didn't know what to do. i didn't finish my english paper that's due today. i'm going to get yelled at. there really isn't anything important to say now. there isn't much anyone could say. i think i'll take my psychiatrist's recommendation that i get put on Paxil and keep taking my lithium or something. eh oh well... okee, g2g. 5 february 2000 the day the music died i posted a problem on a forum today, and this guy thinks i'm going through a manic phase. maybe i am. i don't know. lately, i've been feeling like i want to laugh, scream, and cry-- all at the same time. i feel so scared that i want to crawl somewhere and hide from everyone. and when i'm with my friends, i feel a bit deranged, and i start to laugh for no reason and i luagh maniacally for long periods of time. it scares them to death. i tihnk i'm becoming more and more isolated from everyone without me even meaning to. Lucas is really sad about Sarah. he really likes her, and she really likes him. he's upset because he wanted to take her out tonight, but she went out with her girlfriend instead. so he thinks his chance with her is gone. she wants to be his girlfriend, but i don't know what's up... lucas really likes her, and i admit, i'm a bit jealous, because i've liked lucas for a long time. but i'm fine with it-- Sarah needs Lucas, and Lucas needs Sarah. besides, i make a better friend. steffi still needs to give me $94 for ruining my skirt... pooh pooh to her. she keeps ditching me. eh, whatever. it seems that tonight, i ran into everyone possible at the mall. it seemed as if the entire town of springfield decided to go to the mall. a bunch of people that graduated 2 yrs ago was at ruby tuesday's. i ran into Liz and Aaron, and i hugged both of them. blah, blah, blah... it was really kool. anyways, i had popeye's for dinner today! yay! fried chicken and biscuits... mmm... yummy... okee, well, i'm going to call it a night. 18 february 2000 this will be the day that i die so there's this really cute guy in my AP/IB Studio Art class named Duart that i've been madly lusting after ever since i got to mt. vernon high skool in november, and i finally let him know how i felt about him on valentine's day. (everytime i see him, i run away.) this morning, i saw him walking down the hall with this preppy chick, and when he was within 6 ft of me, i started to bolt. lauretta tried to hold me down to keep me from running away, but somehow, i broke loose and got away. while lauretta was holding me down, Daph was screaming, "CHICKEN!" i ran for the subskool 5 office. Daph came in a little bit later and said, "well, if it makes you feel any better, he was looking at you." well duh! what would you think/do when it's 7 am, and this chick's runing away while one of her friends is holding her down and the other one's screaming, "chicken!"? of course you'd look! after that little scene, i was a little upset, and figured that it wouldn't hurt too much if i gave him a valentine. so i made him a little valentine. and i drew a stick figure of me and a stick figure of him, and wrote "there's something beating inside my body/ and it's called a heart/ you know how easy it is to tear it apart/ if i lend it to you, will you keep it safe for me?/ if i lend it to you, will you treat it tenderly?/ there's something beating inside my body and it's called a heart." and i didn't know if i really wanted to give it to him, but Daph snatched it from me and gave it to him while i ran away as fast as i could. then on wednesday, i found out that he has a girlfriend-- it was that preppy girl he was walking with. her name's Liz Wieghert. as for brian... i've done a lot of thinking lately. i couldn't sleep one night, and i started thinking why i'm not happy. i figured that the reason why i have such a low self-esteem is that he chipped away at it slowly, bit by bit, piece by piece. he made me feel as if i wasn't good enough for him, when in fact, it was the other way around. he was a huge asshole, and he wasn't exactly a very nice person to be with. a kickass friend maybe, but anything more, it's not so kool. i'm letting go. he's gone, and i'm here. i don't need him, and that' all that matters. the healing can begin. there's this tremendous weight that has been lifted off of my chest, and it feels really good. :-) well, that's all i have to say tonight. 20 february 2000 happy happy joy joy "it's not a habit it's kool i feel alive..." -K's Choice "not an addict" 26 february 2000 your woman "just tell me what you've got to say to me i've been waiting for so long to hear the truth it comes as no surprise at all you see so cut thhe crap and tell me that we're through now i know your heart i know your mind you don't even know you're bit unkind so much for all your high brow marxist ways just use me up and then you walk away boy you can't play me that way well what i guess what you say is true i could never be the right kind of girl for you i could never be your woman i could never be your woman when i saw my best friend yesterday she siad she never liked you from the start well me i wish that i could claim the same but you always knew you held my heart and you're such a charming handsome man now i think i finally understand is it in your genes? i don't know but i'll soon find out that's for sure why did you play me this way? well i guess what they say if true i could never be the right kind of girl for you i could never be your woman well i guess what they say is true i could never spend my life with a man like you i could never be your woman" -white town "your woman"

		january ~~ february ~~ march ~~ april ~~ may

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			2 fevrier 2000 my heart goes shalalala in the morning i went to fairfax hospital today to get an echocradiogram done. my appointment time was at ten, but my dad dropped me off at the front at 8 am because he had to go to work. and when i was registering at the hospital, i found out that i had to have my dad register for me because i'm 17, and i'm still a minor. so i called my dad, and he came in at 10:30 pm, and signed all the consent forms, blah, blah, blah. he told me to call joshua's dad (my uncle) to come and pick me up when i was done. and then the nurse took me into a dark little room and told me to take off everything from waist up and then she left. i had to put on a gown, which really isn't any fun. she used a sonogram machine to take pictures of my heart, and she also recorded the way my heart beats and the way my valves open and close. i got to see a little of it, and i saw that when my valves close, they close, but they don't close tightly enough, so the valves open up again for a millisecond, and then it shuts. and i also got to hear my heart beat. my heart doesn't go lub-dub like everyone else's. it goes, "shwooshy swoosh swoosh shwooshy swoosh shwooshy swoosh swoosh..." it's irregular.

	"Dusted" Willian Wegman, 1996

that was really really kool. and the gel they use for the sonogram is very cold. after that, i called my uncle's cellphone so that he could come and pick me up, but he had it turned off so i left a message. i called my aunt to pick me up, but she wasn't home. so i called my mum, and she had to miss her much break to drive me to skool. she was really mad, and screamed, "your dad always makes trouble!" we stopped by mcdonald's cause i hadn't had anything to eat at all today. so i inhaled my chicken sandwhich because the mcdonald's we went to was really close to my skool and lunch had ended an hour ago. as soon as i walked into my us/va govt. class, mr. mcmenamin (better known as mr. mac) yelled, "five mintues until the exam!" i had no idea what was going on because i hadn't been at skool all day. i looked over at jen and said, "hey, sexy bitch, what's going on?" she laughed and said, "you have five mintues to study for the exam." and i asked her what happened at lunch, since something always happens at lunch. and she said, "it was really interesting as usual." and then she pointed to the corner, and who should i see taking his exam? JIMMY. ewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways, i was giggling and saying, "ewwwwwwww!!!!! yucky!!!!" and when he went to go turn in his exam, i hissed, "dirty rat!!!" he looked at me really funny, and got his stuff and left. jen started cracking up. i took my exam, and it was the easiest exam that i had ever taken in my entire life. after that, i went home, and yesh, today was a good day, even though some people forgot to pick me up. 4 february 2000 disillusioned feeling strangely paranoid and disillusioned today. steffi is not feeling too well, and she's regretting and questioning everything that she's done in the past 2 yrs. :-( it's just one of those days everything's fucked everybody sux... yeah, i'm sick of all this he siad she siad bullshit. kate and dave got into a huge fight when i was there, and kate started crying. i didn't know what to do. i didn't finish my english paper that's due today. i'm going to get yelled at. there really isn't anything important to say now. there isn't much anyone could say. i think i'll take my psychiatrist's recommendation that i get put on Paxil and keep taking my lithium or something. eh oh well... okee, g2g. 5 february 2000 the day the music died i posted a problem on a forum today, and this guy thinks i'm going through a manic phase. maybe i am. i don't know. lately, i've been feeling like i want to laugh, scream, and cry-- all at the same time. i feel so scared that i want to crawl somewhere and hide from everyone. and when i'm with my friends, i feel a bit deranged, and i start to laugh for no reason and i luagh maniacally for long periods of time. it scares them to death. i tihnk i'm becoming more and more isolated from everyone without me even meaning to. Lucas is really sad about Sarah. he really likes her, and she really likes him. he's upset because he wanted to take her out tonight, but she went out with her girlfriend instead. so he thinks his chance with her is gone. she wants to be his girlfriend, but i don't know what's up... lucas really likes her, and i admit, i'm a bit jealous, because i've liked lucas for a long time. but i'm fine with it-- Sarah needs Lucas, and Lucas needs Sarah. besides, i make a better friend. steffi still needs to give me $94 for ruining my skirt... pooh pooh to her. she keeps ditching me. eh, whatever. it seems that tonight, i ran into everyone possible at the mall. it seemed as if the entire town of springfield decided to go to the mall. a bunch of people that graduated 2 yrs ago was at ruby tuesday's. i ran into Liz and Aaron, and i hugged both of them. blah, blah, blah... it was really kool. anyways, i had popeye's for dinner today! yay! fried chicken and biscuits... mmm... yummy... okee, well, i'm going to call it a night. 18 february 2000 this will be the day that i die so there's this really cute guy in my AP/IB Studio Art class named Duart that i've been madly lusting after ever since i got to mt. vernon high skool in november, and i finally let him know how i felt about him on valentine's day. (everytime i see him, i run away.) this morning, i saw him walking down the hall with this preppy chick, and when he was within 6 ft of me, i started to bolt. lauretta tried to hold me down to keep me from running away, but somehow, i broke loose and got away. while lauretta was holding me down, Daph was screaming, "CHICKEN!" i ran for the subskool 5 office. Daph came in a little bit later and said, "well, if it makes you feel any better, he was looking at you." well duh! what would you think/do when it's 7 am, and this chick's runing away while one of her friends is holding her down and the other one's screaming, "chicken!"? of course you'd look! after that little scene, i was a little upset, and figured that it wouldn't hurt too much if i gave him a valentine. so i made him a little valentine. and i drew a stick figure of me and a stick figure of him, and wrote "there's something beating inside my body/ and it's called a heart/ you know how easy it is to tear it apart/ if i lend it to you, will you keep it safe for me?/ if i lend it to you, will you treat it tenderly?/ there's something beating inside my body and it's called a heart." and i didn't know if i really wanted to give it to him, but Daph snatched it from me and gave it to him while i ran away as fast as i could. then on wednesday, i found out that he has a girlfriend-- it was that preppy girl he was walking with. her name's Liz Wieghert. as for brian... i've done a lot of thinking lately. i couldn't sleep one night, and i started thinking why i'm not happy. i figured that the reason why i have such a low self-esteem is that he chipped away at it slowly, bit by bit, piece by piece. he made me feel as if i wasn't good enough for him, when in fact, it was the other way around. he was a huge asshole, and he wasn't exactly a very nice person to be with. a kickass friend maybe, but anything more, it's not so kool. i'm letting go. he's gone, and i'm here. i don't need him, and that' all that matters. the healing can begin. there's this tremendous weight that has been lifted off of my chest, and it feels really good. :-) well, that's all i have to say tonight. 20 february 2000 happy happy joy joy "it's not a habit it's kool i feel alive..." -K's Choice "not an addict" 26 february 2000 your woman "just tell me what you've got to say to me i've been waiting for so long to hear the truth it comes as no surprise at all you see so cut thhe crap and tell me that we're through now i know your heart i know your mind you don't even know you're bit unkind so much for all your high brow marxist ways just use me up and then you walk away boy you can't play me that way well what i guess what you say is true i could never be the right kind of girl for you i could never be your woman i could never be your woman when i saw my best friend yesterday she siad she never liked you from the start well me i wish that i could claim the same but you always knew you held my heart and you're such a charming handsome man now i think i finally understand is it in your genes? i don't know but i'll soon find out that's for sure why did you play me this way? well i guess what they say if true i could never be the right kind of girl for you i could never be your woman well i guess what they say is true i could never spend my life with a man like you i could never be your woman" -white town "your woman"

		january ~~ february ~~ march ~~ april ~~ may