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Do you want
your Lassie well done?
Beloved Canine Gone
in a Flash of Fire, Soy Sauce |
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EAST HANOVER, NJ - Shortly following
this year's decadent glorified dead bird day, Lassie, the collie
that was a beloved American icon and symbol of animal heroism, was
caught, killed, and cooked by China Buffet Chef Yong Cheng.
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Full
Text >>
SPECIAL REPORT
| Shaniqua,
Master Assassin |
As Livingston teeters on the verge of
total chaos, many residents feel that dramatic measures are required
to restore the status quo. This is where Shaniqua comes in. This mysterious
biological weapon has been used for years in quelling such problems
as the Noreiga Crisis, where hundreds of Panamanian rebel leaders
were found impaled by tack stars fashioned in the shape of rhombi,
concave octagons, heptagons, and special triangles in their lifeless
bodies. In some instances, Hershey Kisses were embedded in victims,
evidence that they were thrown at high speed. Although she is highly
elusive, it is known that her original name was Mary Vopal. As a teacher
of Algebra II and Pre-Calculus, it is not difficult to understand
how she strikes with such deadly precision. Despite the overwhelming
majority of Livingston's population that favor her use in quelling
the current crisis, there is a small but vocal minority that oppose
her. Among them, Jon Elkhim, who says of her, "She's eaten my
soul, don't let her take any more…" |
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In the news...
| Area Girl Consumes Entire
Strip Mall, Gains Two Pounds |
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LIVINGSTON NJ - The Livingston Avenue
Strip Mall, which once contained timeless stores like Baskin Robbins,
China Delight, and the grocery store "Kings" was engulfed
by local junior, Katrina Chang, 16. |
Full Text >>
| BUSINESS: Jean D'Avella Bought
by LeahJacoba Inc. |
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Left: Jean D'Avella, Accounting Teacher
at Livingston High School for over 5 years. With this merger she loses
the right to exist as a separate entity from Leah Feder.
Jon Brighbord says, "This is
a tru…tru… truly dire situation we have he..here."
Before being assigned yet another Leah-related detention
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Full Text >>
Idiotorial...
Legolas is SoOoOo FOXY
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