LIVINGSTON NJ - Amid blazing guns and screaming faces, Asian mother Yan Ping Chou sounds her bloody war cry, "Fuck! Where the fuck is my fucking kid?"

This morning, at 5:40 AM EST, the operating government of Livingston declared martial law to control the omelette craving Chinks. Livingston's Mayor, Ellen Cohen, made a public announcement shortly after: "If the situation is not quickly resolved, Shaniqua (see report) will be called to step in and eradicate everyone in the Ritz building. That is the only way."

"These ungrateful cretins must be brought to a stop! Their breakfast-eating reign of terror must end now!" declared rebel leader Ping Chen as she expertly sniped a Ritz diner employee.

An accomplice in this tragedy, 16 year old Alice Xie is being questioned in Ashwood Mental Institution at 22 Ashwood Drive, known by peers as "Alice's Creepy-Ass Evil Prison of a House". The asylum is currently under 24-hour lockdown. "All Visitors Will Burn," warns ominous Christmas lights outside.

"The little vat of testosterone is a feisty one!" says Dr. Wei Li Xie, the ward's chief psychologist and part time drug dealer, before being smacked in the face with a metal Weezer lunchbox by the struggling Alice.

"I was supposed to see 'Lord of the Rings' today! I bought tickets off Fandango and everything. You can't do this to me. I want my lawyer damnit!" Xie screams.

Meanwhile, at the Lu Rebel Complex, Byron and Chen, still at large, write pamphlets advocating the freedom of Xie. Feeling extremely guilty about her capture, they issued a public statement saying, "Don't worry Suhxie! If you show up at the theater, we'll save you seat!"