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Capricorn: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You'll get your Christmas wish of a scantly-clad Jennifer Lopez
and a Porsche this holiday. Unfortunately, J-Lo's clothes will do
little to stop the bleeding caused by an 80 mph moving sports car.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Your coming birthday will only be made sweeter when a scornful bitch
with a red Lexus is gunned down by members of the mafia. (courtesy
of Byron)
Pisces:
(Feb. 19 - March 20)
This week a new love will enter your heart. In other news, Dr. John
Love, a renowned Pisces, will discover and name a new species of exotic
and rapidly reproducing ringworms.
Aries:
(March 21 - April 19)
You will
finally sit down to organize, prioritize, and list your goals in
life. It is surprising to no one but yourself when it almost exactly
resembles David Letterman's "Top 10 Reasons Why Bill Clinton Would
Like to Visit Holland".
Taurus:
(April 20 - May 20)
Cher, Hitler, and yours truly are all Tauruses. You need a
prayer more than you need a horoscope.
Gemini:
(May 21 - June 21)
Remember
to pack protection this week. Not because you're getting lucky,
but those trolls seem to love latex.
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Cancer:
(June 22 - July 22)
Your growing debt forces you to perform certain acts that you are
not proud of. Well, taking a shower, combing your hair, and looking
for a job isn't that bad you lazy, crack-head bastard.
Leo:
(July 23 - Aug. 22)
You would think it would be hard to eradicate all the Leos, but
replacing birthday candles with dynamite during the months of July
and August would nearly get the job done.
Virgo:
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
The stars are unavailable to give you your horoscope at this time.
They are out on a huge munchie binge after lighting up for the fifth
time today.
Libra:
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
It really isn't considered a battle of wits if your opponent is
a blender, and how you still manage to lose is beyond even me.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Your desire to take advantage of every opportunity that you can
is a very useful and practical trait. However, it will prove itself
as a nuisance at the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
It'll be a little hard for the stars to predict your future when
they can't figure out what the fuck a Sagittarius is.
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