EAST HANOVER, NJ - Shortly following this year's decadent glorified dead bird day, Lassie, the collie that was a beloved American icon and symbol of animal heroism, was caught, killed, and cooked by China Buffet Chef Yong Cheng.

"She looka tenda ana delishis! Full ah flavah! Her life savinga Teemy gavea her exercise to maka meat firm, but notta too tough. She go great ina Chow Fun!"

Lassie's tragic end started last February when her former benefactor Timmy died at the age of 88. She was unable to cope with her inability to save him from cardiopulmonary failure and a complete blockage of the lower systemic aorta. According to interviews, she refused to believe that the total collapse of his heart muscle could not have been prevented. "I saved him from a well once," she said, "heart failure didn't seem too big a deal…"

Following that incident, Lassie became increasingly despondent and isolated; listening to Nirvana pieces and binge drinking became habitual. In fact, she was once hospitalized after a doggy treat overdose. She was found in a room that reeked of hashish and IAMS pellets; Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun was heard blaring in the background.
Cheng stated that Lassie's alcoholism made her all the easier to catch. He went on to say, "Anda more tastee! Drunken dog isa very good! Isa like drunken chicken, but betta! No needa wine, already marinated!"
Restaurant visitor Terry Lin said, "We will sorely miss that dog; her heroism and her fabulous texture that complemented the rice and bok choi." He proceeded to wash his hands after the defecation of digested Lassie.

As a final tribute to Lassie's selflessness, Cheng shouted to the customers, "I makea dog brain! Half Price! Only five dolla! Isa very good!"