| Sweet Talk Me 

what's really happening

June 27-29, 2008

For the 2nd weekend in a row I've headed out to the beach. This time it was VA Beach with MiDC. I drove down with this girl Ally who was hella cool. I was a bit afraid of what I was getting myself into since I don't love having to spend the night with big groups. I hate feeling like people are always in my space and I just don't sleep well in new places. Of course, over the past few years I've stopped being able to sleep well in my own place.

Liz, from my softball team, was down there for a surprise birthday party for a friend so I walked up to the northern part of the beach to hang out with her and a co-worker. Little did I know that 20 blocks would take me an hour to walk! I guess I kind of left the group a couple times. One the last night, another guy (in the group) and I were dancing and talking in the pool for hours. Of course, the rumor mill started b/c after the first two hours almost everyone went in but us. I think I was in there for five hours or so. It was nice being able to chat and hug on someone --- especially since this guy's body was amazing. Not to get any ideas, I think this guy is Fab-U-lous with two snaps down. Others say he's just european but I think it may be a little deeper than that. Either way, he's also in a group that I'm in and that goes against one of my non-dating/non-hookup rules.

Hummm, on the first night down there I met this guy Mario -- 5'9ish, extremely built, lots of fun, heavy drink buyer. I'm not so sure but he seemed pretty fabulous too. I felt like I was a magnet. At any rate, I hung out with him and his friends for a couple of hours before meeting back up with the group. Apparently, some of them noticed that I was gone for a while. But hey, they weren't buying me as many drinks as I wanted nor doing shots of 151 with me. I did feel a little bad about not hanging with the group as much but I wasn't all about being in the sun at the beach or listening to that horrible karaoke sounding chick at Kokomos. I think the time I spent in the pool was still technically being part of the group. And with my (former) cuddle buddy being out of the states, I felt a little needy of some manly attention without all of the extra pressure of more.

Well, I know I'm stopping the beach streak this weekend. I was going to go to NYC to see the fireworks but lost motivation so I'll be sitting around the house. Perhaps I will finally clean my room and pack things up for Goodwill. That is if I don't find something to distract me.
~Nicee

June 23-26, 2008

Boyz, boyz, boyz *sigh*

My intense man crush is now just a well-that-would-have-been-nice memory. While we do talk here and there, everyone knows inconsistency is something I don't manage well. He's been consistently flaky and standoffish I suppose. Perhaps I brought some of it on but I don't give a piss. Okay, one 'boyz' down.

Secondly, I actually responded to my ex's attempt to contact me. Why? I'm thinking it's probably b/c boyz #1 is a flake. However, it could just be that I'm softening up. Afterall, I don't hate the guy. I just don't think we could ever have a healthy, fully-open, honest, committed relationship.

Hummm... model-train guy has basically become what I think I am to my man crush. He's a nice guy who would jump when I ask but since I usually don't want him to, it really just doesn't work. He has offered up his sperm for donation though.

Now that we've gotten the particulars out of the way, I'm a little concerned for myself right now in the general what-do-I-want realm of things. I am a super-affectionate person. Most never get to see that side of me because I usually don't trust anyone that much to be completely vulnerable and open with them. It takes a lot for me to trust someone. With my man crash, I was completely trusting (at least at first, which pretty much never happens). Mind you, I was also a freakin' wreck because it was so foreign from where I've been for a loooooong time. I've realized that trust isn't something you earn. It's something that you allow once you don't feel threatened by someone. Perhaps someone has to prove that they are worthy of you letting your guard down. All the same, it's not something that you can earn once you've tarnished it.

I've realized that I want to be a consistent giver. This actually isn't a new epiphany. I had started to recognize that when I was with my ex. I knew that b/c he couldn't get my trust back that I would never have an unjaded, completely open, honest, supportive relationship. That was one of the main things that drove us apart. I don't want to feel like I have to be the toughest chick on the block with my guy. I want to be his cheerleader (no kinky fantasies). I want to let him have his way. I want to help him reach his goals and be his shoulder to cry on when he needs it. I want all that goes into being a sexy, caring, loving, supportive partner. But I know me pretty well. I know that I won't do that without knowing (or at least feeling) like he isn't trying to use me or that he's willing to do the same for me or that he's going to protect me and never hurt me or make me feel inadequate.

My man crush had a wonderful way of making me feel exposed yet protected. Of course, when he started hinting that I wasn't necessarily quite good enough, I stopped thinking he was as well. Now, I recognize that I'm obsessed with perfection. At the same time, I find someone with a flaw (as long as it's not a deal breaker) extraordinarily sexy. I think that's the thing that makes all the difference. I am a girl of details.

Alrighty, I kind of went down a path I hadn't really intended so I will veer back on course. I'm really concerned that I'm at a crossroads about boyz (ummm, and sex). In the past, I've tended to choose the easiest yet the most dangerous and self-destructive road. So on one side of the fork I have lots, and lots, and I mean lots of sex when, where, how and with whomever. I was definitely on an unstoppable horny train with my cuddle buddy but now it's less about emotional openness and more about an animalistic obsession. On the other side of the fork, is honest unconditional love. I haven't given that kind of love in a decade. I've loved but not blindly. I want to have that. I want to give that. I'm not sure that I can or if I'm actually even prepared for what I believe I want. Something tells me that my lack of faith in honest unconditional love is driving my thirst for the former since I don't feel as though it's inherently me. I will probably be reading my favorite poem, The Road Not Taken, a lot.

I will leave things on that note for now. I'll tackle the morphing of my ideal man at a different time.
~Nicee

June 20-22, 2008

I went to the Outer Banks for the weekend to go hang gliding. It was hella fun. It definitely helped that my instructor was hot. Not super sexy but cute, funny and had that edgyness (wide ear piercings) that girls dig. I only crashed on my first attempt. We went up on a really high sand dune (actually two different ones because the wind changed) to take off. The instructors have you connected by strings on either side so you aren't going to be flying very high or far. Still, it was a neat experience.

On a completely separate note, I'm having major stresses about my house purchase. It is in a commercial zone so my bank doesn't want to fund me. Yippy. Work and everything else are going okay.
~Nicee

Friday, June 13, 2008

It was pretty freaky when I got to work and all of the street lights were out on 13th & G. To top that off no one was directing traffic. But whatever, I made it past it. Then, I got to 14th & G and those lights were out too. Now, that is not supposed to happen. As I look around I notice a bunch of people standing outside. So now I'm a block from the White House and all the lights are out and METRO is having problems (a fire at one of the stations). Really scary. But no one's panicking so I guess all's well. It ended up that the power was out for about 30 blocks. A substation transactor stopped and the METRO issue was separate.

On a good note, I got the day off from work. Happy fckn Friday the 13th B!tches!
~Nicee

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I'm beginning to think perfection just has to elude me. I found out today at work that the company is doing really well and the folks really like me -- "personally and professionally". The big boss called me into his office and let me know they are looking at me as a strong lead. After work, I played in my first ever softball game and I rocked!!!! Yaaaay for me. I was elated with my performance. I was 2 for 3 and scored a run. I was pretty concerned that I'd suck but all was well.

So that sounds like a pretty good day right. Sure. But then... around midday something hit me --- I'm not man crazy about this guy anymore. Don't get me wrong I still think he's a cutie and very respectable guy but that whole I want to see him and talk to him and blah blah blah just wasn't there. In fact I just kind of thought of him as a regular guy. I even started thinking about how we'd be pretty good buds.

I'm not sure if something snapped when I went on my tirade last night or if maybe I was feeling our connection before and that connection really has changed. Maybe I wanted something in my life to be great and stable and since work wasn't I was looking for that through him. Now, I really don't know if that last one holds water but it does seem to coincide with the events of the day. Whatever the case, I know I'm not drooling or falling all over myself about him anymore. I kind of miss that feeling honestly but I like having the normal me back too.

Again, don't get me wrong, I still like the guy and something perhaps could work out. That just isn't a big deal to me anymore whereas before I really wanted it. I'm not sure how or if the way I feel now will change our interactions if I hang with him again. If we don't hang out (or cuddle up) again, I'm really glad to have met him. I think I needed to see "that" guy exists. Everyone plays a role in your life whether it be big/small/long/etc. If his only purpose was just to show me that I could be girly and still be attractive, or that being vulnerable is something I haven't mastered but is okay, or that I could love the guy who's a man's man, I'm happy that I got the chance to see it. If more comes from knowing him, grand but I don't need it.

Hummm, now that I think about it, maybe the day wasn't perfect but it was awesome and I feel spectacular so it's still a damn good day. Everyone knows I'm a perfectionist but maybe I'm on the road to recovery. :-)
~Nicee

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Urrrg. I think I may need to stop drinking. I have no idea why I decided I needed to drink almost a whole bottle of wine at the pool party. Of course, then start basically drunk texting a few people on my way home. I got all sentimental and dramatic with this guy I like. OMG!!! I'm so embarrassed. I'm not sure if he will even talk to me again. doh. I'm definitely gonna let that one settle down for a while.

On my way home, Mike called me to tell me about his new job. He's moving on up. He's so smart and deserving. So proud of him. He kept hinting that I should move over there. I'm not so keen on San Francisco so I highly doubt that's going to happen. But who knows now that I have a friend over there. Of course I'm about to have a house in my hometown but I'm not moving there either.

Last night, I stayed over at my "friend's" (no idea what to call him -- he said I could call him baby so maybe that's what I'll do for not naming him yet purposes) house. He came to pick me up from my house at like 3am. I've never gotten up in the middle of the butt crack of dawn to go to someone else's house. Anyway, I was freaking out half the night (before he picked me up) wondering if I had made a mistake by saying I would go to his place during 'booty call' hours knowing that I wasn't ready to take our non-committed ummm, friendship there. He didn't push the sex issue at all. He even said that he knew I wasn't ready and he didn't want to do it yet. He even honored his word after I made the point for him to think I'd become weak enough to do it. Of course, since he's the guy in paragraph 1, I may have ruined that. Oh, we did kiss.

Now everyone knows I hate kissing. I don't know what I'm doing. The exchanging bodily fluids with someone I barely know freaks me out. It's just bad time all around for me. And let's face it, I still haven't known this guy that long and don't know how freaky he is. But it wasn't bad. It wasn't exactly 4th of July but I was glad that it showed that he is digging me. :) We'll see if he's digging me enough to ignore my drunken tirade.
~Nicee

Monday, June 9, 2008

I was soooo proud of myself for drinking almost 3 liters of water today. Then, I got on the metro to go to the last gymnastics class of the session and a 1/2 hour later, I was pretty pissed. A train derailed today so it took almost an hour to get to the bus stop. I was in so much pain when I finally got there and was praying that I didn't wet myself. All ended well but that was scary.

Well, that's pretty much the most interesting part of my day. I've gotten back on track with my diet -- had salad for lunch and dinner. I'm missing talking to my baby. Hopefully, I will be able to catch up at some point soon. The opposing schedules suck but if we wanted to make it work, we would so that could be a sign.
~Nicee

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I was totally starting to get a man crush on this guy. I know that a "man crush" is supposed to be a hetero male toward another man but this is a little different (well, obviously being that I'm not a dude). He's one of the first real "manly" guys that I've had a crush on. He isn't just someone I'm gonna run over but he's also not trying to prove he's stronger or better than me. That in between is something that I really haven't seen much. I found/find him so adorable, cuddly and strong. A combo that simply makes me weak. Yet, I'm already talking about him in the almost past tense.

Unfortunately, I can already tell that he isn't the kind to really chase a girl. Not that I want to be chased exactly but I do want to see the guy putting some effort toward spending time with me. I don't see that coming from him. I'm not sure if it's because that's his personality or if he's just not that into me. Either way it's something I know doesn't work for me.

Not seeing that from him is definitely causing my interest -- or maybe just my desire to try -- to wane. So if he's not trying and I'm not trying, I know how that's going to end. End being the operative word I guess. I wouldn't put him in the typical guy categoy but one of the most recent actions shows that maybe getting in the sack is a priority over knowing me. While I find him hotttt, it's not going to change my conviction about me valuing myself and my body. I love passion and being intimate as much as the next person. I don't think you have that same level of intensity when you've been talking for a couple weeks. *sigh* I think I'm getting too deep about this way too fast. I think when I get that twinkle in your eye about someone though, I just want it in return since that feeling rarely ever happens to me. Life goes on.

On a different note... I'm claiming some of my days back. Gymnastics class ends on Monday; kickball ended Thursday; both dance classes are now over. I'll only be booked on Thursday for softball now. Of course, gymnastics starts back up in July but those are the only days I'm gonna be booked. So maybe I'll have more time to write and document what's going on but we'll have to see about that.
~Nicee

May, 2008

May was a pretty interesting month. I started a new job and left the AAMC behind. Mike, my bestest bud at AAMC, had his last day the same day that I did. He moved off to Cali though. I'm sooo gonna miss him. We'll see if he keeps his promise to stay in touch. People love to say that when they're leaving but rarely ever follow-up on it.

While I left AAMC fairly quickly, I managed to join the kickball team before I jumped ship. The season started out great. We were undefeated when one of the season's highlights (or lowlights for me) occurred. Picture this: We're currently undefeated but tied with a team that has barely won any games all season. It's the bottom of the last inning. Bases are loaded with two strikes. I'm up to kick. (Now it's worth noting that I have sucked azz all game.) I knew this was my moment to redeem myself for the horrible game I've played all day. I was also super nervous. I kick two balls that go behind me thus strikes (seemed to me they should be fouls but what do I know). So I figured I'd slow it down and make sure I got the right kick on the last try. And all of a sudden the balls coming at me and I'm just standing there. I STRIKE OUT! Strike out in kickball?? WTF!!! I was super upset with myself.

I've never let a team down in the clinch. I'm usually the one ppl call on when we need to pull out a win. I'm not your typical girly girl. *sigh* I think I ate a lot of comfort food that night. But, due to some sketchy refing and a captain who is way too serious about his kickball, we got a do-over the next week. So we went from being 3-0-1 to 3-1-0. Way to go captain. The good thing is that it erased the notion that I had ruined a perfect season.

To round off my activity schedule, I signed up for swing dance and a modern leaps class. Well, the swing dance classes went okay because those were on Wednesday near the Convention Center. The leap classes, however, were in a sketchy area of NE DC and on Sunday. I made it out there once. That was $75 just tossed in the trash. I started taking gymnastics classes to help with my flexibility. I've lost a lot of it since I stopped cheering and performing. Though I never did it growing up, I'm actually okay at uneven bars. Of course, I'm just doing the low bar right now so the fact that they are uneven doesn't even matter ...lol.

As for entertainment, I kept myself busy when not in classes or on the field. I went to the Cinderella ballet at the Warner. I volunteered at the Chili Cookoff b/c I so wanted to help all those ppl with kidney problems. Hummm, and b/c Staind was the headliner. I was temporarily knocked out by some guy who some really smart people decided to THROW forward while he was crowd surfing. I enjoyed what I got to see. I went to the Preakness and a wine festival to round out some cool firsts.
~Nicee

Monday, April 7, 2008

*sigh* It's so funny how being single brings out the true essence of me. Other than two men in my life, I've always felt like I had to adjust myself for the benefit of men. I made a big change in 1997 to stop worrying about what others expected out of my professionally/socially but I think I've finally gotten to a point where I can do the same romantically.

Since my first move from my hometown to Tampa, I've been redefining myself with every move. I've lived in four major cities. In each one of them I've had a different name and a slightly different persona. I don't think the world (or my family) is ready to see all of me socially. Yeah, I have a lot of skeletons and recently found out I have a really big dinosaur bone thrown in. but I'm ready to start making the transition. Nicole has to meet Lutrecia. Nicee has to meet Angel. And well, Tonya, I'm not sure about that one. But eventually, I have to consolidate these lives.

Frankly, there isn't a hell of a lot that I have to hide (pre-Tampa). There is something, however, really intriging and exciting about starting over. Plus, to talk about Tampa, it was the first time I could rebel against the strict conservatism that I had at home with mom. Sure, if I wanted to run for office, I probably wouldn't want anyone to dig too deep in my life there. At the same time, it was the most personal growth I've had in any phase of my life. I was completely free to do what I wanted and encouraged by and had full support of my loving boyfriend at the time. While I may not want my mom to be aware of all of my actions, I don't regret any of the personal choices I made in Tampa.

Eventually all of the separate emails and names and personalities and circle of friends and secrets will come together. In the meantime, if love comes around, I'm not adjusting me for it again. With the last redesign of the site (circa 2004) I dealt a lot with opening up about my love and sex. Thus the tagline "with love". I think the next one will fittingly be "Me 360" as I try to rope in all of these things about me.
~Nicee

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Since this site started as a means for me to express my inner thoughts and connect with TJ, I feel like this is one of the most relevant entries I've included in years.

A few days ago, I emailed TJ to say hi and to just get an update on where he is in his life. His WIFE responded. Him having a wife was new news to me. It was not a huge shocker but that definitely wasn�t the way I expected to be notified. She tells me that they�ve been together for five years and married almost three. She also informs me that they have a three-month-old daughter together. She closes with how they�re very happy.

Surprisingly, I was genuinely happy for him. I didn�t have any bitter ex-girlfriend feelings. I suppose the idea that I really just want him to be as happy as he can be isn�t just in my head. While I enjoyed being the one to give him that joy, if he truly loves her and she gives him the same love and joy back, I couldn�t ask for more.

In retrospect, I realize she was trying to tell me to fck off but at least she did so in a fairly calm manner. What bothers me the most is that it came from her and not him. I don�t know this chick. While I respect her position in his life, well, I don�t know this chick. Perhaps I was jaded/confused/disillusioned to believe that TJ and I were and could once again be good friends. Before anything romantic began between us, we were best friends. The thing I missed most when we broke up was the period we didn�t talk and I lost my friend. We used to talk endlessly and had a completely open dialogue. I trusted him above all others (honestly, I still do). Everything was always on the table � even if we didn�t want to deal with it. Oddly, we could say something as simple as �Turn off the bf/gf role. As a friend, what do you think about X� and we were there for each other without bias. Yes, even when we were venting about the other person. Never since then have I had that.

This is why I hate crossing the friend zone with my guys. The chances of us ever being friends again are pretty much on the negative side of the scale. I�m actually having a pretty difficult time with that. Somehow I thought that we would always find ourselves back in each other�s lives. I wasn�t sure what that would look like � lovers or friends � but I was certain that the connection we had went beyond anything or anyone else. I actually want to just say almost certain so that I don�t look like an idiot who completely missed the boat but I seriously had NO doubt about us getting passed our past. Even as the reality has slapped me in the face, I still feel like something above us was/is working in our favor.

I would be diluting my feelings if I said that the thought of never being romantically connected or never making love again isn�t an issue. Even though it�s mostly about the friendship, TJ is someone who I love dearly. Someone I was completely dependent on and in love with. That doesn't just go away. My priorities are simply different. We were both fairly young and inexperienced when we met. We learned a lot about love and sex in our relationship. The best part was that we were eager and open to everything at that age. He allowed me the freedom to do anything I wanted. He's the reason I grew into myself mentally and emotionally. He learned everything about my body. No one (and I mean NO ONE) makes me feel the way he did. I realize that after we broke up I spent a lot of time trying to find that. I could never pinpoint what it was that made it so different until recently.

Apparently, he turned me into a girl. While everyone thought I wore the pants (and we both agreed that we both wore pants), I was totally vulnerable with him. Though I tried not to let it show, he was able to get through my thick exterior and touch my heart and spirit in a way that I haven�t experienced since. He didn't allow me to push him away because I was scared. He wouldn't let me give up on us or sabotage our relationship. As long as he had an "in," he was right there to comfort me through everything. When I cut off communication from him, that's when his "in" seemingly disappeared and perhaps the start of the end for us forever began. There really wasn't much way for me to convey that no matter what, I'd always be here for him. Again, I don't know what that would entail but he would at minimum have a friend in me. I was looking for something on the outside or for what was wrong with me. Interestingly, I just had to look at what was so special about him. I hope some day I can love without fear; dream without waking; give without wanting. And I can only wish that it is returned.

It scares me to know that I�m looking for a love and connection so rare. It�s even scarier that I gave that up. I know I�m not going to be completely happy with anything less. I�ve spent a good chunk of time with guys who helped pacify me for a while by adding something to my life but they didn�t love purely and with no care of losing everything just to make me happy. I can�t necessarily blame them though because I didn�t offer that to them.

Will I probably get married and start a family with someone? Yes. I�m almost certain of it. I�m just not sure if it gets to the point that it�s just the guy who�s funny; or the cute guy; or the guy who treats me good; or the one I�m with when I decide it�s time to start a family. Will I feel the same or greater passion and purity that I felt with TJ? I hope so. I hope he�s found that. I know that I�m a better person for him loving me. He makes me want to love. He�s helped me understand unconditional love. Because of him, I know the difference between loving in spite of and loving because of. If I never feel pure love again, I�m happy that he let me feel it for a while. I hope that in that unconditional love we can look beyond the hurt exes or even the scared new spouses (and whatever external factors come into play) and get back to being great friends. As I've been saying about things with TJ, only time will tell. So far though, time is kicking my azz. Time 2 (wife, kid) Angel 1 (loved unconditionally)
~Nicee

July 2007 - March 2008

Let's play catch up again. I got older. I'm hoping that I got wiser but I'm not so sure about that. I started using myspace to do some blogging so while I haven't been posting things here that regularly, I have been writing a good bit over the past few months.

Professionally: I quit my job at Northrop to become a "six-figga n*gga". I have to spend the next few months making up how I'm going to get to the next step in my career. One of my main goals was to get to six figures. Now that I'm here, I'm not quite sure what my next goal(s) are supposed to be. I thought it would take a lot longer to get here.

A few things that have become extremely important to me recently are switching up my career (getting back into dance and performing) and doing more than just being a professional. I've been going out A LOT recently. I've met a lot of really cool people and am finally building the circle of friends that I missed having. I would like to move to two different cities within the next 5 years. After that (or perhaps some time in there) I'll be ready to do the whole family life.
~Nicee

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Okay so let's get caught up. I decided to take 2006 off! Did you notice? But then I figured oh what the hell let's take off 1/2 of 2007 while I'm on a roll. But I'm back b*tches!

So I'll give you the basic jist of where I am. I'm still in DC and freakin tired of it. I broke up with the guy I was with in late 2005. We broke up a lot but the last time was a few months ago (on April 5, 2007). We went on an Odysee cruise on Wednesday and had a 'talk". He calls it a talk. I call it asking me a few questions and me answering them. He didn't get the answers he expected which is perhaps why he wasn't really trying. since he had things wrapped up. Sorry! Don't offer me nothing and think I'm gonna take it. That hasn't and never will work with me.

I still love my job but my supervisor, who makes coming to work so enjoyable, is leaving soon :(. He has told the higher ups that he thinks I'd make a good manager but I know I won't manage our team since there is a guy on there that has been on the team for over 5 years. But the endorsement is nice.

Since my love life, job, and housing (rent went up 180+/month ... yes, per month) are no longer ideal. I am seriously considering relocated to TX, NV or FL. Why those? Because I'm tired of the fcking Commonwealth of VA and these stupid state income taxes. And I want to be somewhere warm. Question: What are the 3 warm states with no state income tax? Answer: TX, NV and FL.
~Nicee

 




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