Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005

Tonight Wesley and I went out to Old Town. Something I kinda threw together so that we wouldn't be stuck at my house yet again. I'm soooo happy we went out again like we used to. It's too early to be in a rut and I think was probably the right time to save us from getting in one. I told him my concerns about us. What I feel like I'm missing and if things didn't change, I'm not sure we'd make it. I didn't want to take something into 2006 that I didn't think would have the chance to make it out of it.

2006 is the year of me getting real with myself. Letting go of my insecurities. Accepting and dealing with my shortcomings. Living my life to the fullest and making those in my life feel appreciated and special all the time. Seems like thing folks should be doing all the time but I guess, I have to start somewhere.

Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005

Whoo hoo. Wes is back. Went to meet him at the airport when he got home but can't enjoy that too long. I have to get back to work tomorrow.

Monday, Dec. 26, 2005

Errrggg.. Gotta go to work. Get to see Wesley tomorrow :-).

Sunday, Dec. 25, 2005

I think my friend was probably gone a while ago. But now I'm ok with it. I'm not sure if I thought somehow Christmas would trigger something and it didn't so I've given up. If my heart truly has just mended enough to move on. Or if I'm simply looking forward to making new memories over this entire year.

Like Neo I was so sick of love songs. Sunshine pissed me off because inside I was so dark and I wanted to just live in that darkness and pain. I was ok leaving in my sorrow and re-running my what ifs.

For the first time in a looooong time, I'm ready to move forward and just see what happens. Now that I'm actually ready to move on, I'm excited about everything. I'm looking forward to seeing the sun again. I can't wait for the flowers to bloom. I'm not terrified of the future. I'm with someone who is not only not afraid to talk about our future but is more anxious about it than me perhaps. And he doesn't think all of my crazy fairy tale ideas are completely crazy. At least if he does, he let's me go with it anyway.

I'm ready to give my heart completely. I'm over the b.s. that went on with Jack. I'm not saying that it's going to be all smooth sailing now but from this point forward, people can deal with me and just me - emotionally unfucked. I have enough issues without that.

Friday, Dec. 23 - Saturday, Dec. 24, 2005

Yippie skippy. Wesley�s gone and I�m stuck here with barely any phone access.

Thursday, Dec. 22, 2005

Learned more Oracle :-). Triggers and sequences. Man, I love my new job. I learn so much and my team is awesome.

Weekend, November 25-27, 2005

I had to go to work Friday -- that sucked azz. Wes came back over after I got off. he mostly slept while I watched Borne Supremacy. I returned the favor the next day and slept right through Tommy Boy. I had to get my nails done and he sat in the shop and waited for me to get done. I so loved that. Though I wasn't too happy about how my nails turned out or how long it took.

We stayed in Saturday night and after my long nap and a few Smirnoff, I was ready to talk. I don't remember what all was said but by the end of it we were a couple. And I knew exactly what size I was working with. Good Lord Jesus help me. :-O He's huge. Because I'm still kinda messed up in the head about being intimate, we've decided to wait (hummm, 6 months). I said six months and he agreed. I was saying six months from the last time I was with Jack (leaving like 1.5 months to go) and he took it literally. Maybe I'll clue him in. Maybe not.

I'll be ready before then I'm sure but it certainly helps not to have that kind of pressure. Though I do feel pretty emotionally strong, I wonder if things with Wes are so easy just because it's what I need right now. Sure, it's what I always wanted also but the timing just seems so perfect (or imperfect asitwere). I was looking forward to my newly found or rejuvenated singledom. But I'm very happy to have Wes in my life. I'm so excited about growing together. Everything with his is so easy and natural - even kissing and I hate kissing.
~Nicee

Thanksgiving (and Thanksgiving Eve), November 23-24, 2005

This (somewhat) long weekend was so great. Wednesday Wes came over to help me with Thanksgiving dinner. I was up late (or early Thursday if you want to look at it that way) making momma's homemade cornbread dressing. We went grocery shopping for the last few things I had on my list. He was so helpful. It would have sucked so much if he wasn't there to lend a hand with all the chopping, slicing, dicing and cleaning the dishes. WHOO HOOO!! Oh yeah, and we had the snow. It didn't really stick though. I couldn't resist kissing him - so not my style but the first snow is so romantic and I'm a bit tired of being all wishy washy. It's about time I just let out that maybe we should try to see about openingly and officially dating.

This was the first Thanksgiving up here that actually felt warm and honey. My old roommate came over and so did Joe-black. Wes is pretty laid back and easy-going like both of them. (I never realized I am around so many laid-back folks. Guess anal people can't handle me). Everyone got along. I was so happy about that. There wasn't all that much chatter as we watched the Chris Rock stand-up and Run's House. I never did get up my damn Christmas tree though :-(.

My roommate came back earlier than I expected. At the exact point she came back, I had just jumped up and was wrapped around Wes. I jumped down and with me or off of me came my cell that broke. Wes tried to piece it back together with painters tape. It has decided that it will now work when it wants to. Man, that blows.
~Nicee

Weekend, November 18-20, 2005

Hummm, as for things working out. They didn't. I didn't answer his call on Thursday and he didn't call me Friday. So Saturday we had our first argument. We aren't even a real couple yet. But you don't tell me to call you when I grow up either. I did kind of like that he was very quick to say he was sorry and that it was his fault (right or wrong). It's a quality I think can make a relationship last if a relationship is even feasible for us. So we made up and now things are fine.

We went to see the Miami vs GT game across from the Chinatown theater. I hated to leave the game when we were down but guess we would have missed the start of the movie otherwise. We'd been waiting to see Walk the Line seems like forever. I woke up on Sunday to see that we lost. Damn, damn, DAMN. :-(
~Nicee

November 16, 2005

Last night, Wesley and I went to the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse to see Hotel Rwanda. It was nice. Even nicer -- he cute his hair and wore a sweater. He was so cute. Guess he listened to my comments about cleaning up and not always wearing the t-shirt and jeans, plumber look. And he's even stopped smoking. Someone who'd do all this for me might have a chance after all. At least, I need to stop being all wishy washy about him holding my hand. Man, I was so enjoying the single life. He really kinda ticked me off tonight though. We'll see how that works out.
~Nicee

November 15, 2005

I learned how to create an Oracle database yesterday :). I'm so excited about learning stuff at my new job. It's so cool. I'm feeling much better today. Actually got a decent amount of sleep -- a very good thing.

Last night, Wes asked if he could come to Thanksgiving dinner. I've been trying to really avoid asking anyone but I'm usually by myself so it'll be cool to have people around. Speaking of being by myself, I've had the house to myself for a week now but my roommate comes back today No more walking around naked. :-(.

Soooo... as said, here are the written revelations in the past couple weeks.

Weekend November 11-13, 2005
I've been having this weird 11:11 moments. I swear every other time I look at the clock it's 11:11. And of course Friday.. well, it's 11/11. I'm hella superstitious so I'm wondering if anything crazy is gonna happen. And when Wes and I went to ESPNZone the other night I swear I show this being 11:11 behind the hostess stand downstairs but it was just the little waiting buzzers with the red lights stack up in four rows. This is only significant b/c I was told to make a wish at 11:11. So for a long time I wished for Jack and I to be together happily ever after. Yeah, so much for that.

Despite all my signs nothing too crazy happened on 11/11. Wes and I went out to Andalu.. It's not my new hangout spot but we were in the area and we could get in free so it just happened. We had a pretty good time but I did get a bit upset that he was looking at these drunken chicks a bit too long. Not sure exactly why I got pissed since we aren't a couple. I guess I just thought he would rather be looking at me. Hummm.. oh well.

Saturday, I went hiking with flaky guy. That was hella cool. I haven't done that in a while. Think the last time I went hiking was like two years ago. Jack and I had talked about it but it never happened. The trip was sooo cool for really having nothing planned. I almost got hit by a train. We saw 3 white-tail deer. And we saw a lobster in the wild. Now that was exciting. We took a lot of pictures so those will be up in the picture section... hummmm........ yeah, soon. That's it -- soon.

Sunday, Wes and I just lounged around. I watched some football with him. I hate the pros but at least I understand the game. I cooked dinner for us. He was a pretty good helper but I didn't make him actually cook anything. I made killer garlic bread. Recreating that is gonna be hard. After the Vikings game, we went over the mall to get my one broken nail (from my hike) fixed. We walked over to ColdStone about an hour later.

Humm.. it's 8am already!! Man, I have to get going to work. I will continue this little walk down memory lane some other time. Can't miss telling about the Aerosmith concert -- yep, have been getting my less depressed ass out and about for a change. Probably won't update tonight. We (Wes and I) are going to the Arlington Drafthouse tonight. But I'll get there eventually. (Did it... see update inlined below.)

November 9, 2005
I'm getting pretty settled into my new job. I get along pretty good with my office mate. He's actually happy to see me hanging out with someone else. Think he's probably tired of hearing about Jack.

The guy from the game and I actually hung out again tonight. He met me after work and we walked around Chinatown. Then, went to Red Sage for dinner. On the way back we went into ESPNzone and played a few games. It was pretty fun. He tried to hold my hand a couple times but it was a bit too much for me right now. I'm trying to avoid another relationship right now. I'm getting over my ex but still. I've been looking forward to being wild and crazy again for a while.

Weekend, November 4-6, 2005
This was actually a pretty busy weekend. Particularly compared to the dark, depressed rut I've been in for months now. Friday night I went out with a friend to Blue Gin (I think it's called that) in Georgetown. It was lame. Too loungy? So glad I wasn't paying. I had one drink and was ready to leave. We ended up at Andalu. Not exactly my favorite kind of club but the music was fairly decent.

On Saturday, I went to Stella's to watch the Miami vs. VT game. I wanted to go to Joe Theismann's but they said they were "The Home of the GATORS"!!!!!!!!!!! @$%^%^! I love their screens. They're so big and clear. Oh well, I certainly don't want to be where it's the home of the gators.

Stella's was a bit too tame for my liking. Or maybe I was just a bit too loud and spirited for theirs. Either way, I had to leave. Oh yeah, met a guy. He seems really sweet and he cheered for Miami :). We ended up watching the game at Champps where I could be as loud as I wanted to be AND the TVs had volume.

I had a little bit of a headache so he ran out to get me something for the pain. Being that he didn't know me at all I thought that was pretty sweet. Anyway, Miami DOMINATED in every way from the start. I'm soooo glad. I was so sick and tired of these smug ass Virginia Tech bastards.

On Sunday, I went over to Tenickia's house for a potluck dinner she organized. She's starting to be pretty good for my social life. I mean for a homebody, I've went to a nice little congressional reception and a play at the Warner Theater with chick. Not too bad.

I had plans to go see Jarhead with the flaky military guy from the house party. Only and I mean only b/c the guy at work who I share an office with suggests that I give the flaky guy a chance to explain himself and be just a friend am I considering this. But flaky guy is, well... flaky. So I asked the guy from the game if he thought he'd want to go see the movie with me if things feel through. Well, surprise, surprise. Things fell through. HUGE shocker there. I actually enjoy hanging with this new guy. Not looking at a relationship though. I just got back into hanging out and being free again.

November 3, 2005
My roommate surprisingly asked me to go with her to the Lenny Kravits/Aerosmith concert. One of her friends cancelled last minute. It was my first real concert in an arena - pretty exciting for me. The seats were far but it was still a good experience. Bumped into crazy tall cop. Man, I was not expecting to see him ever again. Oh well.

November 2, 2005
So today I get on the train and I sat with someone "coding" some weird # puzzle thingy. I wouldn't have even noticed or cared too much but this was the second time this week. Perhaps there's some new craze I don't know about? hummm...

~Nicee

November 14, 2005

I had a rough night last night. I had the worst pain in my stomach. It kept me up. And while up, I couldn't stop thinking about Jack. I hope everything's ok. I can't wait to have my friend back.

I totally should be getting ready for work and not writing here so I'm out. But I've been writing a lot recently. A VERY good thing for me. It's such a great outlet. I try to write in my journal on the way to and from work. I'll update with the past two weekends and my continued purging of my soul when I return.

Until next time....
~Nicee

October 31, 2005

Today, I got in another piece from my midnight catalog shopping spree - yeah, I spent 1k+ in about 3 hours from online catalog shopping. Man, I must have been really depressed. But I've definitely gotten some cute stuff out of it. I'm starting to look so cute and professional.

Anyway, it's Halloween and there is no candy in the house so I think we're gonna just turn the lights out and call it a day.

Weekend, October 28-30, 2005

I got my backup Halloween costome in case the whole airbrushing thing doesn't come through. I think that would be pretty cool to do and who knows when I'll be single and not have a jealous bf trying to stop me. I got an IM from Andris which was a pretty big shocker, I've barely heard from him since he left to go back to Latvia. Miss him but oh well what can you do.

I am finally coming out of my little cocoon. I'm still bulging but my emotional state is much better now and I'm ready to get back out there and just be me for a little while. Not looking for a relationship just want to get out of the house and start having some fun and interacting with people. So I was asked to go to a little house party Saturday so that'll be my first big venture out since my renewed interest in living my life after the pain.

So this house party came and I had fun. It was pretty good for a house party. Good music, free liquor, good food, nice crowd. Surprisingly good. The guy I went with was pretty lame. He disappeared for a good 15 minutes with two gay guys. Really makes me wonder. Think that was the last straw for me on that guy. I don't really care what the excuse is. Every time I hang out with him I like him less than I did beforehand. Even when he gains ground, he loses that and then some by the end of the night. Not really good odds.
~Nicee

October 26, 2005

Okay soooo... I'm feeling better. Something interesting happens when you actually release all those demons. I've got some perspective back. In my head I had thought everything out but finally getting out my bitterness has lifted a weight off. Now, that I've release all (well, the big ideas anyway) the nasty hurt feelings I can deal with what's really going on.

Yes, I got hurt. I loved someone so deeply and was betrayed. Oh well. It's not the first time someone got hurt. It won't be the last. It happens in life. Learn to deal with it. Enjoy what you had. No one can ever take that away.

I truly wish him the best. I'm sure he'll do great. That's just the way he is. Some day (yearS away probably) we'll be able to sit down and enjoy all that we were. And if we don't, that's ok too. We'll always have the memories and a special part of each other that no one can taint or take away.
~Nicee

October 23, 2005

Okay, I'm finally ready to talk again. Two months have passed since I last wrote here so bare with the longevity. I did find the strength to write on paper a little while back. Not sure if I'll type it up.

I'm starting to appreciate myself for me. For three months, I was so pathetic that I didn't get waxed or get my nails done. And while those things are somewhat trivial on the outside, I think it only spilled over what was happening on the inside.

Everything that happened with Jack shook the very foundation of everything I've tried to build around myself for the past almost 10 years. When I lost Luis, I thought my life was over. I lost all purpose of life... all hope. I didn't want to go on and I wasn't sure why I was forced to. I had never loved someone so much. All of my thoughts, all of my visions of the future included him. When he was taken from me, hope disappeared. I didn't believe in anything anymore. Nothing in the world made sense. I had to regroup and make new definitions for everything. For 10 years, I fought to keep everything at surface level, to never let anyone completely into my heart or for me to give myself completely over to someone else to protect.

Jack broke down that wall. I let him in. I gave him my body, mind and spirit. He took it... used it for all that he wanted... then throw it out to rot.

I loved this man with everything that I am. As much of a bitch or a brat as I might be. I walked on egg shells around him. I don't do that for anyone. I don't intend to hurt ppl's feelings but if they get hurt... oh well, I still say what I want. But with him it was different. I never told him about a lot of things especially things I thought might make him upset or more importantly take him out of my life. The biggest secret I kept was my feelings for him. I thought if he knew how much I truly loved him, he wouldn't be able to handle it and perhaps that's true. I do know that he had an idea so in most cases that was good enough for me.

Almost from the moment I met him, I felt comfortable. I felt like we belonged. No matter how bad things got, I always thought we'd find our way back to each other and that had always been the case. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him. But after everything that went down with us, this last time I had to try to hold back and protect myself. And I did that for as long as I could but sometime around May, I stopped fighting it. (That's also the time I had a dream about a snake in my bed which I should have listened at that time.) Then, I began falling madly in love with him even more so than the first time around. We even stopped arguing and fighting. It was great. Just like the relationship I had always wanted us to have. And he was open about showing that we were together.

With things outside the bedroom going great, I was actually starting to think of ways to make things better inside the bedroom. Though he was great even when he didn't think so. I just wanted to take it to the next level so that he would know every inch of me and understand EXACTLY how to drive me over the top (over and over and over again). For so long, I watered down my sexuality and didn't pounce on him nearly as much as I'd wanted to b/c of the idea that he was somewhat intimidated by my sexuality and sexual history. But before we could ever get to that point, I realized I had let my guard down too much. He was gonna find out how I felt in every way. So I did what I knew to raise doubts so he wouldn't get scared off by it. I talked to guys I didn't give a shit about. I made fights were there wasn't one to be had. I complained about how unfulfilling my life was. Anything to cause chaos and doubt.

The truth is all I wanted was him. Not the 98% of him that I had but all of it. We spent 90%+ of our free time together. We talked most of the 10% that we weren't actually together. It only made sense to have it all. To have not just those moments but the security of knowing that we'd fight to make it to the next moment or next day. In my head looking at how things did go down, I think us being apart is for the best. Perhaps a happily ever after was never in the cards. Us not raising a family together or apart is probably best. But I still wanted it and I may still wonder what if every now and then.

The only thing that annoys me now is that I have this unconditional love for him. I know everyone keeps telling me that's human but I shouldn't love him at all. I should hate him. I should wish bad things on him. I should want to laugh in his face, if he needs my help. Instead, I'm just here whenever he needs -- no yelling and screaming -- just here to make sure he never has to go through anything he can't handle alone. Now, that's just stupid. I hate it. But I can't make it stop.

In June, I recorded 3 messages to be delivered in the future. Two have already gone: 1) a birthday greeting for his birthday 2) a msg about my feelings for him for some random date 3) a holiday message for Christmas. The middle probably has the most significance b/c it addresses things I was too scared to say before but always felt. I find that so funny that I had such a hard time saying it to him when I wanted to scream it to the world. I wanted sooo bad to tell him every morning I woke up with him and every night I went to sleep in his arms.

Once again, he has blocked me on yahoo. To him this doesn't seem to mean anything (or perhaps it does). To me it not only says that I don't want to talk to you b/c I'm hurt or b/c I'm pissed but also that I won't to make sure there is no way for it to be possible ever in the future both from my end or yours. It also says that you don't trust that I will abide by your wishes not to contact you. Erasing me from his list would have been sufficient to not see me online and to trust that I wouldn't come into his life again... at least not for years perhaps. I have not IMed him once since he made it clear he moved on. Perhaps that was too shocking and he needed to make himself think that I was but the messages just weren't getting through...lol.

Of course, it's like him to do stupid shit like that. Whether specifically to hurt me or for some underlying reason. He seems to have a need to be inconsiderate of me and my feelings. Like why would you ask me to send you something and you not bother to say you received it or even thank you. Doubt he treats anyone else that way. Of course, I know he keeps people around just in case they can do something for him. Like poor Satara who has something to say about me but all he says about her is how lazy she is and how he gets annoyed that she calls. And he acts like he doesn't know she still wants him. She's in the full-out hollerback girl mode for him.

On Oct 11, I saw him and his new girlfriend who he started having unprotected sex with within a week and a half of us no longer having sex. And moved in with within three weeks. Yeah, pretty crappy. Obviously, he was looking for something the whole time, he's telling people I'm his girl and things are going supposedly so great. Funny thing is as of yet I still haven't had intercourse with anyone. And the whole time we were broken up the first time I never had intercourse with anyone else. Yet, he found a way to always point the finger at me for wanting to be with someone else.

I got oral when we were first figuring things out (and he was still screwing other people). Once he told me how he felt and I saw him hurt by it, it never happened again. Too bad I can't say the same of him. Of course, why I still haven't had intercourse with anyone else is strange. I certainly have had the opportunities. Part of me says it's for that special someone and an even more self-conscious part says it's reserved for him still. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trust me I know that's really messed up thinking. Especially with everything that just went down yet again. I do still carry a keychain that has our picture on it. Not to mention a piece of wax -- yes, wax -- from a candle that melted on our table the first time we met.

I do hope he stays with this one though for a few reasons 1) quaurantine his disease 2) spare anyone else from what I and others have undergone 3) repay this bitch (I'm sure she's a really sweet "cute" girl) for mooching off of her and the little Peter situation. The least he can do is give her the right to stay in the U.S. Nothing like Green card sex.

So that's that. The key now is to not let myself be so afraid of being hurt again that it takes another 10 years to find someone I would die for. I must figure out how to be with someone else sexually despite everything. And I have some baby fat to lose still so I'm starting to exercise slowly.
~Nicee

August 30, 2005

I had a rough night. I've been trying to pick up the pieces and get my life back together but last night was one of the more difficult nights I've had in the past couple days. Physically, I've bounced back quite well but emotionally, the loss of the connection I had with Jack doesn't compare to what I feel like was a connection with myself.

I was actually quite surprised to hear from Jack who called this morning. I've certainly realized some things about our relationship and the viability of our future friendship. I'll always appreciate aspects of our past and cherish what we had. He isn't someone I can depend on so I have to stop lying to myself. But guess that's how things fall out sometimes.
~Nicee

August 13, 2005

On Wednesday, I discovered with absolute proof what I already knew. I didn't hear from Jack until Friday afternoon though. Yeah, real supportive one.

I really have to get myself together since I am the only one to handle all this work at work. I'm trying to be strong. I know I can handle all this but I just wish I didn't have to at least not -- well, almost completely -- alone.
~Nicee

August 7, 2005

Well, I saw Jack on Thursday. It was hard to look at him. Crazy but with everything going on and even with us disagreeing strongly, he still has such a strong impact on me when I look into his eyes or I see his smile.

So anyway, here's the deal. I mentioned before that I was crazy about this guy from the moment I saw him but only now when I think of what qualities he may be able to pass on to our child do I truly see just how much he brought to the table that made it so easy to love him.

Perhaps moving back to DC -- mostly to be back closer to him -- was the wrong move. Maybe leaving in the first place, was flat out dumb. I have no regrets but I might do some things differently if I had the chance. Just for the hell of it. I'd be more open about my feelings. I'd discover more about him, which I wanted so much to do this go around. But I was too busy trying to cover up the fact that I was falling in love again.

I don't know what would have become of us if things were handled differently. Maybe we wouldn't be together no matter what. I do know though that I made a promise to him and when I did so I made a committment for life to never walk away from him. If he ever needs me, I'll be there.

As I listen to myself, I envision all the really weak, clueless chicks that let guys run over them. I think my committment and devotion to him is a bit ... well, frankly it's stupid. But I have an unconditional love that came out of nowhere that won't let me be any other way. I can't live in the hurt and pain anymore but I won't walk away from him. And I'll try to be a shoulder or ears if he needs.

Despite all the downfalls of our relationship, he is a brightspot in my life. I do hope that in a few years our paths will cross again and we'll be able to talk, reflect and appreciate everything we've had and everything we have in that moment and all we will become with or without each other.
~Nicee

August 2, 2005

I'm ready to face the pain again. I never really laid my true, unscripted feelings about my ex out there at least not in words but here it is. I hope that maybe this will help me find some ease and start dealing with the reality of the end.

It has been a month now since I�ve spoken (at least with any dignity) with my ex. It�s said, Don�t be with the one you can stand to be with. But with the one you can�t stand to be without.

I suppose that�s why I stuck around. There are plenty who I could be with. But he�s the one that regardless of how bad things get, it�s still better than anything I could have with someone else. He�s the only one that has made me think about marriage differently. The one that I would rearrange my life to accommodate.

Jack owns my heart and captivates my spirit. Even now, there is no ifs, ands or buts about it. I love this man. Even if everyday he goes home to another woman, he takes my heart with him.

He�s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I still sleep with him every night. In my sleep he holds me and comforts me like only he can.

But I�m starting at the end. I should start at the beginning. I�m a bit too tired to do that right now so perhaps tomorrow.
~Nicee