New Year's Eve 2004

I'm so freakin sick it doesn't even make sense. I stayed home. I did get to see some fireworks though. I just stood on my porch and watched the ones on King St.
~Nicee

December 26-30, 2004

I did a lot of traveling this trip. On Monday, I went back up to Marianna with my mom since I wanted to get a few things. I started feeling kind of sick in the car but it seemed to go away so no biggy. [Number 1 item on the to get list?... the sea horse :)]

On Tuesday, I headed back to Tampa on a VERY DELAYED, and PACKED greyhound. Rick (who I hung out with much more than usual) came to pick me up from the bus station. When we came out a train was headed right for his car which he parked in front. It was sooo funny. He's so in love with this car. I didn't know a freight train ran down the middle of downtown Tampa either.

My flight out was in the mid-day on Wed. Before catching my flight, Rick took me around to get some glasses. I am soooo glad I can see again. I got two pair of glasses and a box of contacts. I will be seeing for a long time to come (hopefully).

I can't believe I didn't get any - ANY - while I was in Tampa. *sigh* Guess it was not meant to be. Funny though I actually think about it and want it again. I've wanted to try it in very specific cases but have not had a constant desire for it in over four years.
~Nicee

Christmas Eve 2004

I'm not sure why I thought traveling on Christmas Eve made sense. I have so much stuff to get done. I need to get my nails and Brazilian before I catch my flight. And I hear that I should be at the airport three hours before my flight. How am I supposed to get all that and get any work done? Work? Yes, work! Our office is open until around 3pm. BASTARDS!!!

I had to leave work around noon to make sure I could get things done that I wanted and even then I didn't get everything done. First, I walk to the nail shop I had called just moments ago and they have taken someone before me and want me to wait 45 min. NO WAY. I finally found a place that could do my Brazilian wax and I wasn't going to miss that appointment. Especially when the alternative was a lady who said she'd never done one but she'd try.

I head back to the torture chamber (a.k.a waxing room) and the ripping out of my hairs begin. Unfortunately, my definition of a Brazilian was a little off. I thought it was the sides, middle and back. But it's actually EVERYTHING. I have always been very proud of my front and certainly didn't think that was going. It was PAINFUL. The things women do for beauty. Well, since I have now not done anything with a guy for seven months and I'm going to FL for a week, I don't think it's any surprise that it's not just for beauty.

I won't go into much detail about my flight but it was hell. I didn't get on my original flight but I did finally make it to Tampa that night. I even had my luggage when I got there.
~Nicee

December 20-23, 2004

I�m feeling like I should be much more excited than I am. This will be my first Christmas in FL in four years. It just doesn't feel like the holidays though. I didn't even start shopping until a few days ago. I hadn't planned on doing any but then my conscience got to me. What's up with that?!?
~Nicee

Weekend, December 17-19, 2004

And then there were lights! I finally convinced Javier to put up the Christmas tree. It�s a little sad looking but it�s ok. It makes me think back on my tree last year which was absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had taken pictures. *sniff, sniff* Oh well.

I went with Javier and Jen to a Christmas party at Kristine�s house. It was sooo much fun. I got to meet all of the inner circle friends. Most of the stuff that happened shouldn't be left with a paper trail. Besides it'll be hard for me to forget peeing off a deck or Javier's fall down the hill. Or "pigeon boy".
~Nicee

Weekend, December 11-12, 2004

I don't usually have long, crazy stories to tell but this one was pretty funny. FYI: This is not normal behavior.

Girls Night with 151 I went out for �Girls Night Out� with Ally (the chick has been over A LOT), Kristine and Jennifer a.k.a �the girl roommate.� I decided to pre-game since going out with chicks is usually much more costly. I figured I would not be dinking in the club(s) so I could save money. That was the rationale anyway. So I decided to go for something that would last � 151. VERY BAD IDEA!! I was starting to feel it by the time we made it to the first stop � Chi-Cha Lounge. As soon as I hit the door I had to piss like a race horse. I made it in the stall okay but after peeing I found myself turned backwards with my legs under the adjacent stall. Thankfully Kristine was in there. And Jen did manage to get me out and all cleaned up.

So now Jen decides to challenge my previous rationale. She bought everyone a round. At this point I go with the vanil vodka and coke. I downed that and there was another waiting by the time I emptied the glass. I got about half way through the second vanil coke and I had to piss again. By now I�m quite visibly drunk. Nevermind that. I still had a drink at the bar. I ordered a water to try to mellow out and one of the other girls finished off the drink I had started.

Jen then orders everyone � including [drunken] me another round. I�m starting to lose my motor skills now. And that one glass of water that I�ve now finished, didn�t really cut it. I�m trying to drink my vanil coke now (since well there wasn�t anything else). And Jen notices I�m not just a little drunk but I�m falling off the stool drunk. She begins waving down the bartender so I can get more water. She was waving for two minutes straight when the bartender finally comes over and tells her that she need to get some �bar etiquette.� So I now have water, bottled water and vanil coke in front of me. Jen has arranged in that order so I have to flush myself out a little. I never made it to the 3rd one again. And it�s time for another potty break but they were ready to go so I have to hold it.

We walk a few doors down to Local 16. And I head directly for the bathroom. This time I did it all by myself, which I was REALLY proud of at the time. Jen found me as I was washing up and helped me upstairs to the dance floor. Once at the top I promptly lied down and listened to the worse shit for me when my head doesn�t feel good � House. That alone was enough to make me lose lunch.

I tried to convince Krisitine not to call Javier a.k.a. �the guy roommate� to pick me up. First, one of the main reasons I wanted to go was to dance and I had done none. Second, I didn�t want to be known as the weak drunk chick. I lay back down and next thing I know they�re telling me it�s time to go. WHAT!!!! But� but� but, I didn�t dance yet.

So Jen and Kristine are helping me down to the car and �the best looking guy in the club� � this according to Ally � saw them struggling and volunteers to help get me to the car.

Javier drives me home in Kristine�s SUV. Halfway home, the House music and excessive alcohol catch up to me. I lean over � toward the driver side � to tell Javier that I have to hurl. (That was hilarious because he quickly pushes me back over with the stiff arm and says go in the bag.) I�m throwing up now but in my head I�m laughing my ass off. We finally make it home and he takes the bag out of the truck and helps me to bed. I�m freezing at this point. So he gives me cover and rubs me until I stop shivering.

The next morning I wake up to find a big pot on the side of my bed. Everyone is downstairs and I'm told that the bag didn�t hold. We spend about an hour or so trying to clean Kristine�s rugs. Note to self: 151 is not your friend.
~Nicee~

Weekend, December 4-5 2004

I'm back in VA. I'm tempted to let folks know but I think I'll let that idea pass.

I went salsa dancing with this spanish guy I met at H2O last week. He�s not my type but he seems nice enough and since when do I turn down a free night out? I bumped into an old associate at the club so that was interesting. I made no eye contact all night and I'm not sure he even knew that I had moved so really not a biggy there. As long as he doesn't have my contact information, it's all good.
~Nicee~

November 2004

Sooooooooooo.... long time, no write. The very end of Oct and beginning of Nov were down right pitiful. I couldn't stop crying almost all the time. I'm not sure if that's normal or what. It has been nine months but I don't really know if that has a connection and don't intend to ask anyone either. I went to NYC the weekend before Thanksgiving to help with an adoption event. They had a special feature with Popeye adopting swee'pea. Those are really the only stand-out events that I can think of. Thanksgiving happened but nothing too exciting or interesting to report (ok, fine I played strip poker for the first time and lose!)
~Nicee~

Weekend, October 15-17, 2004

I'm freezing my ass off in here. My room and apt are so freakin' cold it doesn't even make sense. The rule that the heat can't be on before a certain date or temperature is garbage. I'm going to be a popsicle.

On another note, I was reading through my old diary entries and boy what a transformation. I was one bitter, conniving heifer. Not that I'm sooo sweet now but I think I've improved a lot. It was interesting reflecting back on all that stuff. I'm going to add those archives to this page.
~Nicee~

September - October 15, 2004

A month went by fast. I no longer hang out with the hispanic guy. I know that I am a little shallow and I try to avoid it but dude had a small tongue and small hands. Ummmm, not gonna work. At any rate, I bought my ticket to go to Tampa for Christmas. What? "I'm not in Tampa," you say in shock! Keep up people. Anywho, I'll be in NYC the weekend before Thanksgiving and in Tampa for Christmas. This should be an interesting trip if my attention span can hang on for that long.

Weekend, September 17-19, 2004

*sigh* In true keeping the interest in this guy -- who in keeping with tradition will remain unnamed -- is really wearing thin. There is so much sexist b.s. that has come out his mouth that I don't think it's just jokes anymore and there are as many red flags as I saw with Jack in the couple weeks following our relationship. So I'm pretty much done with this one unless a 180 happens, which is pretty much guaranteed NOT to happen.

Weekend, September 10-12, 2004

I hung out with this spanish guy again on Friday. We watched the FSU/MIAMI game together. Whoo hooo... GO CANES! Things went a little downhill at the end of the night when he tried to kiss me and I shut him down. We agreed to just be friends and kissing is definitely crossing the line, though so is me taking the liberty to sit in his lap so we both messed up a little.

On Saturday, I went to the Black Family Reunion. Monica, Floetry, and Lissen! Band were there. On Sunday, I went back to the BFR for some of the gospel stuff.
~Nicee~

Labor Day Weekend 2004

I'm trying to get my ass in shape and went walking with my roommate. I went to play miniature golf with this guy. He's cute but has attitude problems and has made a few comments that I'm not ok with.
~Nicee~

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Went to a goodbye happy hour for a couple of co-workers. It looks like I have a few people to play pool with for ladies' night at Continental.
~Nicee~

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Ok, why did someone try to drag me into "the talk"? You know, the where are we going talk. I managed to redirect that convo but I am sure it will pop up again.
~Nicee~

Weekend, August 27-29, 2004

My roommate was out of town so I had some good, relaxing time being able to walk around naked :). I got offered free head again. And again, I turned it down.
~Nicee~

Monday, August 23, 2004

Woo hoo. I went to play pool today :). Finally got off my ass and did something. I'm so proud of myself. I did much better than I had imagined though I do still suck on a consistent point.
~Nicee~

Sunday, August 22, 2004

On Friday, while on the bus coming home some crazy drunk guy elbowed me in the stomach. It was kinda scary and made me think back to everything with Jack. I still have the what ifs going on but I imagine I always knew that I would. Something like that doesn't just go away. At least this time I only have to protect myself and not anyone or anything else.

I did end up going to the club on Friday night - not because I didn't want to go to the gospel thing. I looked pretty hot in that little black dress but boy do I need to get more sleep. The bags under my eyes are getting pretty out of control. So Saturday I slept most of the day away. I think I may do that for a while since that is the one day I can devote to sleeping.

It has been a joy but I have to get ready for church.
~Nicee~

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Someone (remaining unnamed) randomly IMed me last night and surprised the heck out of me. He is a guy my cousin tried to hook me up with after Jack and I had the fight. So we've met but things didn't go the greatest. He is a pretty cool guy with an awesome personality that pretty much matches mine just right. And he's mad hot - definitely in the top three of hottest hispanic guys I've ever met - and perhaps only second to Blake who also had charm, a damn hot bod, the smoothest skin I've ever licked and accessiblity to have it if I wanted. Oh well that's the past.

But this guy, who currently lives in Alexandria, has the greatest hair of anyone I know and he likes me to pull it. Even better, he wants me to pull it while treating me to my favorite pastime with absolutely no thought of me doing anything but enjoying it. Makes me hot just thinking of it especially since I've been in a drought for a couple years now.

Of course, that is where the interesting part comes in. I completely turned it down. Yes, that's right. I, the overly addictive chick who couldn't get enough at one time, turned it down. Offended him in doing so even - told him he was acting like a "slut". Things have really changed.

Regardless of how hot someone is, if there isn't at least a mutual appreciation for the person as a whole, it just can't work. If I had heard myself say that five years ago, I would have slapped myself around for being stupid. Take as much as you can and run was my unofficial motto. Now, I'm one of the people I never understood and secretly laughed at for being too weak and emotional about something so very physical. God has a funny way of bringing shit full circle I guess.

On another note, today it took all of my energy to not fall asleep at my desk. I really have to do better about getting rest and being alert at work. Feels like a short week. Tomorrow's Friday :-)
~Nicee~

Monday, August 16, 2004

Just another day in the neighborhood. My grand plan to get out and do something today. Yeah... right! I'm freakin' tired. I went to bed early last night and I'm exhausted. I'm home right now but I still have work to do since I won't be in the office tomorrow. But lucky me. I can sleep in a bit tomorrow AND Wed. Oh joy :-)

I will do something interesting this week dammit!!! And I have a weird craving for strawberry chewable Tylenol... must be the baby (don't take me seriously ppl I'm very much NOT with child).
~Nicee~

Sunday, August 15, 2004

What's up lovelies. I'm trying to take my ass to church today since I haven't been in about a month now. I'm gonna try a new place so we'll see how that works out.

I went underwear shopping yesterday. I can't believe I spent $125 on underwear. But I got some cute stuff and that means having to do laundry less often since I never seem to do laundry until I run out of undies.

As hard as I try, I think I may not be able to completely avoid the dating scene. I was looking less than my best at the grocery store and this guy approached me. He was born here but is definitely "foreign-like" (spanish and african). He is really sweet to me and seems to dig me much more than he should right off but that apparently is a trend with me. I'm not getting overly excited about it b/c I don't really want a relationship and from my past cpl relationships know that the excitement and interest can change in a few weeks if not days.

I am healing pretty good I think. I realize J-ass and I really aren't meant to be b/c there are just too many obstacles to overcome that neither of us is willing to put that much work into. Despite that I have wished every plague known and some unknown on the guy, I hope things work out for him.

It was rainy the past few days so I really didn't do anything much. I plan to get out more the next few days - Monday I will resume my pool play; Tues and Wed I will probably hit a happy hour or two since I won't be working 'til 5:30+ :); and this weekend I must show a little thigh and shake a leg somewhere. There is a gospel concert on Friday that I'd like to go to but it's not close so I'll have to see about getting out to that. hummmm church (far) vs. club (close)... I'll let you know how it goes.
~Nicee~

Sunday, August 8, 2004

I have a massive headache right now. And no one to take care of me :((. Oh well. I have sworn off men for a while - not that I'm into women now. I need to focus on me. These past few months have been so draining.

I am happy to be getting back in the groove of things. I have to restart in many ways but I think that's better than being in the rut I was in. I am also redefining my circle of friends, which I think I should have done a while back but the move has really helped facilitate that.
~Nicee~

May-July 2004

Jack and I went back and forth hanging out and hating each other. Such a very crazy situation. I moved back to FL Memorial Day weekend but spent much of the first couple weeks of June in DC b/c of job interviews. The other part of the month was spent listening to my mom nag. I moved again in July and have been trying to get myself settled in. I'm hanging around girls more now and trying with all my might to stay out of relationships.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Crap. It's tax day!!! And I haven't done anything. I said I was going to send a write up about why my outlook on Jack changed and I did write things out but I realize if he really needs me to write it out, he wouldn't understand anyway. To not be able to see how he hurt me and why I would think differently really doesn't make sense to me. I mean it's really not that complex. The real question is why I even allow a person who treated me that way to still be in my life at all. And perhaps if he doesn't get why my love changed, he's not ready to because I think everyone else certainly understands. I've only outlined part of it here but still it's pretty clear.

I think I just need to separate myself from the situation for a bit. We do still laugh together and things aren't really stressed the way they were before but honestly all the drama that surrounded our relationship never really had to be that way in the first place. I know we don't have a lot of time to spend with each other before I go but I can't put myself out there or adjust my life for someone who still just doesn't get it. Even though some things have gotten better he's still so much of that person who hurt me over and over and blamed it all on me. Shit he still feels compelled to lie about seeking out other girls when we were together. To hear him say that made me literally physically weak and sick to my stomach. And if I'm not getting any resolve, why should I give him any?

My stand now is basically if he wants to be a part of my life, he really has to make the effort b/c I'm spent. All my energy went into making that relationship work somehow and it's over and so am I. With that said I think that means the end of it because his idea of effort now seems to be statements like "it doesn't really matter," "well, that's the past" "can't you see how I have changed" etc. That doesn't cut it.

Okay, the more I write the more I realize I'm doing what I didn't want to do. I'm not going to let him rule my life or take up some significant part anymore. I gave him everything before... opened myself up... completely adjusted my schedule to accommodate what he wanted and he always turned away. He was so busy focusing on himself and what he wanted to do that he couldn't see any of that and it's just too fucking late. He doesn't deserve this much space in my diary. So I'm done.
~Nicee~

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I�m so conflicted about what to do. I don�t think there is anything I can do to change the situation but some of me really does wish to stay here at least through late summer/early fall. Going back to Florida I think is a good decision overall but there are certainly hurdles I�d have to cross and I�ve made so much progress in my career here in DC. *sigh*

After last night I�m not really sure I�ll hear from Jack again since I think he got a slap of reality of �it�s really over and I�m not adjusting my life to fit yours�.
~Nicee~

Monday, April 12, 2004

Things went somewhat better than I expected though nothing really was resolved. The first half was filled with �what can/do I say/do now� moments. Followed by an awkward debate over where to go after pool.

Half the time I was at his place I�m sitting there thinking two things. First, ok so where is my stuff so I can get out of here, you spoiled, selfish, finger-pointing brat? Secondly, do you really think I�m still hung up on you and you can just have everything your way and use those same tired ass methods of seduction on me? And wow I really want to talk to someone else right now. Yeah, I know that�s three. But you see where I�m coming from. Yet, I still have about 15 messages from him on my answering machine. Not that I listen to them often but I certainly do listen to them and smile and chuckle particularly at the one when he first said I love you on the phone and the mooing (that�s right, moo-ing).

I wish it was clear cut hatred which would be much easier to deal with. But I�m so disappointed in this guy. That�s really what it boils down to. The disrespect and lack of responsibility he�s shown really leaves little to appreciate. I do like his goofy, smartassedness but you don�t take valuable time out of your life for that. Maybe you watch it on t.v. and call it a night. So I�m not sure what the next step is since it�s clear to me that I won�t get resolution to the past. Which probably would only come from him realizing how fucked up the situation was WITHOUT having to point out anything I may or may not have done and growing enough as a person to be responsible and dealing with the consequences of his actions rather than simply trying to be a shoulder to cry on after someone else has bore the brunt of the burden.

April 5-11, 2004

I was nursing my sudden outbreak of some type of rash most of the week. Me and Victor finally talked after weeks of playing phone tag with each other. On Wednesday, I dropped Jack�s stuff off as I�m actually trying to clean up my room. And he actually contacted me on Friday. The weekend was pretty good. Hungout with friend and took a long walk around DC. I ate so much food I could hardly stand it and watched the fireworks at the waterfront. Spent most of Sunday on the phone but played some pool as well.
~Nicee

March 29 - April 4, 2004

I mostly worked all week but did have a chance to get out and play a little pool and talk to some new people. My birthday was pretty uneventful. I went bowling for the first time in years. I really suck at it. Mentally and emotionally I'm dealing with a lot more than I ever thought I'd have to but I'm getting stronger. I have made some decisions which I know will affect me a lot from henceforth but I think I've made the best decisions I could for myself.
~Nicee

March 2004

I spent a lot of the first half of the month getting over Jack but all of a sudden one day the light went off and I realized he didn't deserve me anyway. The other free time I had I used to catch up with old friends who I had stopped talking to because our relationship made Jack uncomfortable. I also worked on some sites and redesigned this site, which I'm pretty proud of even if it is just a personal site.

January 2004 - February 2004

Most of January and February had to do with Jack and I going back and forth.

I'm single again and I'm thinking I may be that way for a while. After this last guy that I completely trusted my heart to fucked me over, I need to repair and re-evaluate who I let myself trust and fall in love with.

• Jan 7 - I wasn't going to see Jack but it would be the first time we get to be together on the day we met so I went over to his place anyway.
  
• Jan 22 - Jack and I had a fight (physically) in front of his dad :(. I was sooo embarrassed. This time it's over for good...right?
  
• Jan 26 til Feb 6 We didn't quite get back together but we're trying to deal with our issues and almost acting as though we're together. We agree to be open about our feelings and let each other know if we have had or may have relations with others.
  
• Feb 6/7 - Sooo, even now this bastard lies. After finding out he lied to me about going out with his ex (and he was pissed that I didn't call him that night), I find out he fucked his other ex while we were on the break. Not that having sex with her on the break is the biggest crime in the world but only a day or so after he claims to have loved me AND then be with me afterwards AND lying about it ever happening while still claiming he wanted us to be open and honest with each other!!! Not to mention I got drunk that night before I find all this out and we had sex and he taped it without my consent. Ok, no more trust, no more respect, and how can I love that. What a time to find out too. Valentine's Day a week away and our (kinda) would be three months on the 7th.
  
• Valentine's Day - Single again. Spent it alone. A cpl friends offered to keep me company but I didn't want that. As pissed as I was, I missed Jack and there was no substitute for that.