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Love and Relations

My Relationships

Most people should probably care less about this page. One of my exes really wanted it so I did it. I had once removed it but have decided to resurrect it for those who wonder why I think about relationships the way I do. Hope you enjoy.

UPDATE 2004 - hindsight: Since I want to keep the flavor and emotion I had in the past in tact, I won't be updating what was here before but I've added some notes based on what I know/feel now. One interesting thing I noticed when looking at all these is that I love more in the winter and date more in the summer. That wasn't planned but it seems to be the pattern.

Name :: Meeting Date  Reason for dismissal

Derek :: Fall 92

"puppy love"

I was very physically attracted to Derek and I couldn't believe he liked me because I had the lowest self-esteem ever. I was swept off my feet and went into a very confused and altered state of mind called puppy love. No feelings were hurt but we were young and from different places so there was hardly anyway for us to see each other. Thus, the "relationship" just disintegrated.

*Levi :: Winter 92

stubbornness and jealousy

Levi and I came together on a chance situation. My brother was dating his sister Kathy. Levi convinced her to set us up. He had saw me at the fair and wanted to talk to me. She called me one night when I had already gone to bed. I didn't even know the chick that well. All I knew about her was her name and my brother actually seemed to like her unlike all the other girls he dated. Anyway, my mom woke me up to give me the phone and all I heard was @$^%@^%??? (I'm still not sure exactly what name Kathy said) wants to talk to you.

Since I was already not very happy to be waken up I was not very nice. The only thing I remember telling him was: He was immature for having his sister call for him, he shouldn't have woke me up for bull shit and I was going back to sleep so call me tomorrow. He did, to my surprise. The bad thing was I didn't know his name. Hell, at that time I didn't even know the person was Kathy's brother. So I had to have him tell me who he was.

Levi truly was my first love. I grew more emotionally with him than any other time in my life. I trusted him no matter what and I was willing to die to protect him. That's what love is- SACRIFICE & TRUST. Funny, it wasn't that hard for me to do that then but after him and going through the pain of our breakup, it's really hard now.

He lost trust for me because he was jealous of my male friends. This started causing more problems and eventually lead to our premature breakup. We could have gotten back together with one phone call but both of us were too stubborn.

UPDATE 2004 - hindsight: I later found out this bastard cheated on me and he tried to rape me a couple years after our breakup. Glad I didn't go back to him.

Marlin :: ??? CJC game

no attraction

Basically of little importance. A guy I met at a Chipola game. He liked me. I was bored and depressed about Levi so I figured...What the heck.

Alar :: Spring 94

better as friends and the lie

This one is real simple. He lied to me. And he kept bringing up sex which I refused. He was more of a friend than anything else. It was over for me and him when I found out that he had lied to me about a very important issue. I asked if he was in anyway related to Levi and he said "NO". (lying bastard). I knew they knew each other because the town isn't but wee big but damn related and not tell me...lie to me (like I would date my first love's cousin).

Derrick :: Summer 94

too much off and on; and my mom

Another guy from Levi & Alar's hometown. 6'5 and larger than life compared to me. He made me look like a flee so I verbally abused him to make him feel more my size. Not something I'm proud of but it happened. Though it wasn't frequent, I can say I hit him also. Something I don't even want to comment on. I thought he was just after sex but I found out he actually loved me. Only someone in love would put up with what I put him through.

UPDATE 2004 - hindsight: I found out that he was also related to Levi!!! GROSS!!! I dated three cousins. I would have never done that if I knew.

*Luis :: Summer 95

death

Luis is simply the love of my life. I could write a novel about him but I won't. I don't even classify him really in this group and he is generally exempt from even being listed in almost anything about my exes b/c he is just in a category of his own. He is significant to note b/c he did have a tremendous effect on me and with his death I died too. So many of the things that happened in my past became null and void and I started over from scratch.

Sam :: Summer 98

lack of communication/ 
miscommunication

We have fun together but my problem with the relationship is I can't be the nubian afro-wearing sista he really truly wants. Both me and Sam have been through so much with relationships that it's hard for either of us to trust. Not simple trust. We have that down packed. I don't care who he hangs out with (for the most part). I don't care about him being around other girls or having them as friends. And he respects my friendship with men.

The biggest problem I have with Sam is, probably because he has been hurt, too quick to give up. To me, arguments are hard to get through and even harder to get past but I never just throw my hands up because I'm upset. Usually, I wait to see how things turn out after all that. I don't just stop caring about someone or shut myself off from that person. I most definitely don't start preparing for the next man in line. Maybe it's just me.

UPDATE 2004 - hindsight: Sam is one of the few guys that, even after we broke up, I could talk and laugh with and hang out from time to time. I miss his crazy ass and Barkley (his dog that I'm sure is dead b/c that mutt was on its last leg then). He could always make me laugh. Maybe EyeSelf is finally back on the west coast. We lost contact after he stopped using AIM like EVERYDAY, almost ALL DAY.

*TJ (Tony) :: Winter 98

too much going on at once

I don't think I have felt like someone has loved me as much as TJ since I lost Luis. I know I can't really measure how someone feels but to me, he seems to have opened his heart to me unconditionally. Not holding back because he thinks I'm going to hurt him like most of the men in my life.

I appreciate his honesty and openness with me. I don't have to guess what he's feeling and that means a lot. I know without a doubt he will do anything he can to make me happy. My sadness doesn't come so much from him but the lack of time. I wish I could have done more and spent more time but working two jobs and taking 18 hours of class each week just didn't leave me in the happiest and most sharing mood.

Because of the depth of love though, I think this relationship if given time and space and nourishment can work. Only time will tell.

UPDATE 2004 - hindsight: I actually thought we would be together perhaps forever. That scared the shit out of me and worried me since he and I didn't share the same idea of happily ever after. He was willing to accept my ideal but certainly after awhile he'd start to feel remorse for changing his outlook just to be with me. We haven't talked almost any since I've been in DC and perhaps we will never get back the friendship bond we had.

Josh :: Summer 98

stupidity

Josh was actually before Sam but doesn't, in my opinion, warrant a full entry as we weren't together long. But since there is a Josh2, I figured I had to explain that somehow. My brother despised this guy and he was an idiot. He was so scared of me b/c he had never been with someone so conservative or naive (obviously, this was early on in my stay in Tampa...lol).

Jason and Josh2 :: Spring 2000

varied

Both Jason and Josh2 came into my life around the same time. I had just broken up with TJ and was trying to deal with my life at the time. Both of them were stand outs in a long list of guys I was basically using to whatever extent I could get away with. Jason couldn't deal with the fact that I had to go to NYC for a few months. Plus the kid was kinda cheap. Josh decided it was ok to violate my privacy when I left him alone in my apartment one night.

Saman (honorable mention) :: Winter 2001

wrong timing

In my mind Saman was never a boyfriend. He was as much of one as many of those I give credit to but we never had the official "Will you be my girlfriend? Yes, I will." moment. He reminded me a lot of TJ in his devotion to me. Even more so in some ways which was really cool. I had just gotten to DC and was really at a point in my life where I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Jordan (honorable mention) :: Memorial Day 2002

distance

This was a running joke but it ran long enough to get an entry. I met Jordan at a party in Miami. I had no real intention of talking to this guy once I got back to DC but low and behold he called. Then he called back. Then he kept calling over and over and over. :-o. He would even call just to wake me up in the morning for work. Dang! But eventually the distance would catch up with us. We never really had a committed relationship but we were always available for each other when needed.

Fohn :: Winter 2002

lack of attraction and timing

Why oh why did I ever go out with this guy? I swear this one I still question now and again. I certainly remember how and where we met. But how I allowed this to grow into a full-fledge relationship still baffles me. He was funny and I did enjoy talking with him and hanging out to the extent we were able to. There were red flags all over the place. First of all, I'm not really too attracted to Asians. They just don't do it for me. And he was no exception. I wasn't disgusted by him but I wasn't attracted to him either. But I haven't been attracted to most of the exes so that didn't really matter. Fohn got really busy when his guard was activated during the war. So we rarely ever saw each other. Unfortunately, absence made my heart grow fonder of someone else.

Joe :: Spring 2003

Boredom

The kid is cute/hot. Unfortunately, that's about where the compatibility ended. He went from being available for me to being too busy fixing things to put on eBay or working on his car. So I started hanging out with folks (guys) who did want to spend time with me. He didn't really appreciate that too much and I suppose it didn't look good. I never did anything with these guys. I flirt yeah but I would never cheat on my boyfriend. I was bored out of my mind and no matter what I did to get his attention it didn't work. Oh yeah, and I had to wake up at like 3AM every morning b/c he had to go to work...eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr!!!!

Jack :: Fall/Winter 2003

insecurity and everything under the sun

Again, somehow I pulled a guy who's a looker. The draw I had to Jack wasn't as simple as that for Joe but there really was no good reason for us to try to be in a bf/gf relationship and it began to show early on. Our relationship was a whole lot of drama and a little of nothing. Both of us made plenty of mistakes that led to our demise.

First off, the relationship moved waaaaaay too fast. We should have gotten to know each other before having the "I love you" "babe...babe...babe" crap. Despite how strong and ready we thought we were for a relationship, we both were using each other to fill a void in our lives - whether that void was sex, attention, money, fun, presents, etc. It�s pretty hard to commit to someone you�re only using as a filler for the time being. I tried to be nurturing and help him through his recent breakup but got a little too close in the process. Ladies, when a guy tells you he "needs" his ex in his life. Run ladies. RUN FAST and don't look back.

Jack was completely insecure. I'm certain this is because he was cheating and wanted to be with someone else. This idea made me pretty disinterested in satisfying him which played a major part in our relationship�s dissolve. We had a couple bright spots but mostly it was like looking down an obis. His insecurity and suspected infidelity only fueled my desire to not be around his crazy ass and find someone I could chill with who wasn�t so fidgety and apprehensive.

Honestly, I give the guy much more credit than he's due. I knew early on we weren�t going far. We were almost never on the same page or wavelength. He either thought things were better than I did or vice versa. We were genuinely annoyed with each other most of the time. And apparently it showed. We tried to blame most of our problems on miscommunication but that wasn't the problem. We communicated just fine. We just hated what the other person had to say so we rebelled against it whenever we got the chance.

* Had a very significant impact on my love life

 

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