THE END TIMES
VOLUME II || ISSUE 2 || APRIL 9, 2005
Optical Intercourse Next Great Sin!
Lifestyle Contract: Going Out on a Limb?
"The Darkness" Named JBU's New Official Band!
Business Center Actually Nuclear Testing Facility!
Vampires Take a Bite Out of Campus Life!
Vampires Take a Bite Out of Campus Life!
The days of late-night strolls and DTR's in the quad may be over as a long-lived myth has recently been proven a reality at JBU: vampires are living on campus! Vampires have recently been discovered to live in the clock tower by the Siloam division of the Vampire Protection League, proving a legend that has been in existence since the original days of the campus' founding.
The discovery comes on the heels of the recent discovery of two bodies by Sager Creek, those of junior Mike Douglas and sophomore Sandy Childress. Friends say that they had been growing close to one another, and midnight walks through the quad were not uncommon.
"I told them about the rumors and legends, but they didn't listen," says friend Jon Jacob. Director of Campus Safety Mike O'Neal said that students should be encouraged to keep conversations inside and late-night activity restricted to the dorms. "Every false call that the VPL receives just gets directed right back to us. If we start enforcing a curfew it will just make everyone's lives easier."
As an additional defense, Aramark will increase its production of garlic-based meals and the grounds crew will begin using wooden stakes instead of nails. Sophomore Wesley Davish is a construction management major who is now being encouraged to buy wooden nails for his major related projects. "Times are changing and if this is what we need to do to ensure the safety of everyone then I have no problem with that."
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