THE END TIMES
VOLUME II || ISSUE 2 || APRIL 9, 2005
Optical Intercourse Next Great Sin!
Lifestyle Contract: Going Out on a Limb?
"The Darkness" Named JBU's New Official Band!
Business Center Actually Nuclear Testing Facility!
Vampires Take a Bite Out of Campus Life!
Lifestyle Contract: Going Out on a Limb?
A new controversy has arisen outof the revised Lifestyle Contract. Do tree-huggers violate JBU standards? "The Bible doesn't specifically condemn it," said one practicing tree-hugger student, "It doesn't hurt anyone and it makes me happy. Trees need love too. I think we humans need to branch out and develop deeper relationships with the Plant Kingdom." The history of the modern tree-hugging movement came out of the cultural revolution of the 60's and 70's. There are several theories on how it actually started, but the most widely accepted theory links the high use of marijuana during that time with an increase in tree love. The reason? A concerted effort by the Plant Kingdom bring the human race into submission.
While the initial outrage has subsided, it still remains a thorny issue. The school administration is still studying the issue but has released a statement saying they do not endorse Human/Tree relationships but find no precedent for restricting them on campus so long as they abide by school rules concerning public displays of affection.
The long-term consequences of tree-hugging are unknown though serious chaffing and restricted sap flow can occur. There have been several reported cases of humans contracting aphids and bark beetles as well as one case of an oak tree that had to have a root canal. It is important that if you plan to hug a tree that you always watch for jealous squirrels and angry birds as they can cause serious injury.
While the school administration clarifies its position on the treehugging issue many students are still deciding where they stand on the issue. "It's just too ambiguous," said one concerned student, "how do you know if your hugging a boy tree or a girl tree?"
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