THE END TIMES
VOLUME II || ISSUE 2 || APRIL 9, 2005
Optical Intercourse Next Great Sin!
Lifestyle Contract: Going Out on a Limb?
"The Darkness" Named JBU's New Official Band!
Business Center Actually Nuclear Testing Facility!
Vampires Take a Bite Out of Campus Life!
Optical Intercourse
Next Great Sin!
The following is part of a one-week End Times exclusive series examining JBU vices:
It seems the country is facing a new attack, but this time the enemy is not external, or even military. The children of America are falling one by one to the temptations of Optical Intercourse. This vice, also referred to as "Eye Sex," is defined as the prolonged gazing of one person into the eyes of another person of the opposite sex. Presumably, the other person responds in kind. The last six to eight months have seen a rising trend in the number of Americans who participate in this sort of debauchery. Most qualified scienticians believe the percentage of college-age Americans who participate in Optical Intercourse to be between 94% and 97%. Even the Christian universities around the nation are not immune to the sting of this sin. And JBU is not immune. Sophomore Annie Claire* remarked that "pretty much, anybody who's anybody does it." Some do feel remorse from their actions in hindsight. For example, Junior Kyle Shampros* tells of his story:
"It all started a week after I arrived on campus in August my freshman year. I met this girl, and we started dating. We didn't have any money to go anywhere, so we would just sit in the Mayfield basement and stare at each other. At first it was exhilarating. I mean, I've never stared at anything or anyone so intently. And I loved being stared at in return. But then the problems started. My eyes started drying out from staring for hours on end without blinking. It got to the point where I could no longer put in my contact lenses in the morning. Now my eyes have permanent scars from lack of moisture, and I can never wear contacts again. If only I hadn't had Eye Sex."
And Kyle's story is not made up. Dr. Jim Blankenship commented, "I've heard that could happen." But for every Kyle, there's fourteen Annie's, who feel no remorse. Her feelings are, "There's nothing in the Bible that specifically forbids it, and I couldn't find anything in the lifestyle contract about it, so why not?" But unless JBU can find a way to combat Optical Intercourse, this "why not" attitude will never be stopped.
* The last names have been changed to protect the guilty.
The preceding article contains painfully obvious satire towards a certain campus publication. All satirical emphasis should be placed on the method of expos� rather than the vices themselves and those who are caught in them.
All material presented within this site Copyright 2004-2006 of the Staff of the END TIMES. All rights reserved.
All offense is intended and unintentional. No matter where you go, there you are. Listen to your mother and eat
your vegetables. Do not smoke if you are pregnant.
Direct all questions and concerns to Mr. End Times Editor.