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THE END TIMES VOLUME II || ISSUE 2 || APRIL 9, 2005 |
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Optical Intercourse Next Great Sin! Lifestyle Contract: Going Out on a Limb? "The Darkness" Named JBU's New Official Band! Business Center Actually Nuclear Testing Facility! Vampires Take a Bite Out of Campus Life! |
Business Center Actually Nuclear Testing Facility!According to sources, the new Business Center going up on California's former lot is not only going to serve the Business Division. Construction Management students who study the site for their Steel and Safety classes say that they have found evidence of potential nuclear testing in some of the "maintenance rooms" beneath the center. The tip came from an anonymous student, "We found a couple of cases of Plutonium 240 in one closet. When we asked our professor about it, he refused to say anything. I'm sincerely freaked out." When questioned by End Times investigative reporters, the administration officials confirmed that JBU will begin experimenting with nuclear material "for the purpose of pursuing alternative sources of energy for our expanding community." The fact that the testing facility extends into a network of underground tunnels should prevent students from being exposed to unhealthy levels of radiation. The administration does advise, however, that small children and pregnant women avoid walking across campus as much as possible. Also, students should avoid swimming in Sager Creek or digging holes within fifty yards of the Business Center. Common side-effects of radiation exposure include headache, vomiting, diarrhea, liver-oxidation, and the condition commonly referred to as "hotdog hands." The bookstore will soon include chemical and radiation suits in its stock of back-to-school supplies; these suits may also be purchased online for a reasonable price. When asked if JBU has any plans of becoming a nuclear power, administrative officials gave their assurance that the research is "purely scientific." To quote one staff member, "With the piles of laundry in J. Alvin's basement, we have all the chemical and biological weapons we need." |
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