"ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM"

Smile all you can...you'll make someone wonder what you are smiling about...

Theses pages under continual construction

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly the blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband inquired, "Who was that?"
To which the wife replied, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her that she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. “She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fxxk away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

Daddy Phones Home

“Hi, Honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"
“No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Harry."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Harry."
“Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
“Uh, Okay, then, here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Harry that Daddy's car just pulled up the driveway."
“Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God! And what about your Uncle Harry?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too 'cause he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water out to clean it. So he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead, too."
There was a long pause on the phone.
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 867-5309?"

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

The BEST Chicken Joke EVER!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken raced off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friends’ life.
Back in the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope that the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end of the rope to the end bumper of the BMW, the chicken drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful BMW, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the framer was none-the-wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks’ later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soo he too began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large muddy puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, and saved his life!

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, You don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Things I hate about everybody.....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the bloody floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the ^#@*?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.

14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you all right?'. Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me, boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAAAYYY out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.... She had a d!ck, Dave! She had this great BIG f##ken d!ck!........ And I can't swim Dave! I can't f##ken swim, man!!!!!!"

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

Veterinarian's Revenge:

One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O. The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, which is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many our friends and neighbors).

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby,
"Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later, the farm hand calls back. "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the f*****g problem?" raged the manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch".

The Five Affairs

The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you..."

Three former kindergarten students were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the new teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use "big people words," she reminded.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER and remember to use big people words." She then asked little Joey what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo- choo," he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words" She then asked Eddie what he had done.
"I read a book" he replied.
"That's wonderful," said the teacher, "What book did you read?"
Eddie thought for a minute, puffed out his chest with great pride and said,"Winnie the SHIT."

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street witha gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?
HellOOOOOOoooooo - her husband speaks English!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger of the two. "Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross, and the older one spotted this. "I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one.

The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade. He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards into the desert.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy one, and shared some knowledge...

"There's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," he said, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, -- you don't mess with him."

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.

Naughty Jokes PAGE TWO!!!

Naughty Jokes Page 3        Norty Jokes p.8

Naughty Jokes Page 4        Norty Joke p.9

Naughty Jokes Page 5        Norty Joke p.10

Naughty Jokes Page 6        Norty Joke p.11

Naughty Jokes Page 7        Norty Jokes p.12
 

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Page last updated 14th July 2004