Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried
"My people's favorite form of birth control......this is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possily send 1,000,000 condoms, ASAP, to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 inches long and 4 inches in diameter?" asked Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
With that, George W. hung up the phone and then called the President of the Acme Condom Company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms over to Russia right away."
"Consider it done," said the CEO of Acme.
"Great! Now listen. They have to be red in color, 10 inches long, and 4 inches in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Bush. "On each one print the words: 'MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE: SMALL.' "
Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Ray slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Ray what's wrong.
"Well," replies Ray, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Davie, with a smile.
"Well," says Ray, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Davie, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Ray, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my car and taped my privates to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Davie.
"So I get to her door," says Ray, "and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Ray slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
The Audubon Zoo in New Orleans had acquired a very rare species of gorilla named Priscilla. Within a few weeks, she became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed their best employee, Boudreaux, working near her cage. Boudreaux, like most Cajuns, often bragged about how he could satisfy any female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Boudreaux was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Boudreaux scratched his head, looked at Priscilla and said he would have to think about it. The following day, Boudreaux said that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
First," he said, "I don't not want to have to kiss her."
Second...you must not never told no one 'bout dis." The park administration
quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well da tird ting," said Boudreaux, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
An 85 year old man is having a checkup. The Doctor is asking him how
he's feeling. The old man says, "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant
with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me
tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek
and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises his
umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle..BAM!! The beaver
drops dead in front of him."
The old man says, "That's impossible..someone else must have shot the
beaver."
The Doctor says, "My point exactly!"
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly ... but on leaving the bus he leaned over
and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of
your collar."
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass, and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit, and there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." Well, all right, but hold my sign, don't wanna lose it.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck, and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No; I'm delivering a bridge. Here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Stumpy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk,
"I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk, " Oh yes, what do you call it?"
Stumpy, "A fottle."
Clerk, " That's a silly name, can you think of something else?"
Stumpy, " I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding
carton."
Clerk, " And what do you call that? "
Inventor Stumpy, " A farton."
Clerk, " That's rude, you can't possibly use that name."
Stumpy, " Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them." So I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we've never had any problems". "Hmmm," says Jack.
He thinks over his father's advice for several days. Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me." Jack says, "Exactly right. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here you go try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally,
the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting
around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' "
Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all of his clothes, put them on quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he had been all of this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT
At last, an answer to this age old question "Who is Jack Schitt" The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holly Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dum Schitt a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt - Happens wedding. The Schitt - Happens children were Daug, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pizza Schitt.
So now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." You can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know the whole family.
Mixed up presents
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating for very long, he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, thoughtful, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to the shop and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items, the sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and, although they were a little tight they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, other hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year.
I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Chris
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing"
Raisin Bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the young man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she's tired, but thinks she really has to try this bread for herself!!!
Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the crowd of men standing below. Then, noticing an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her, she snaps: "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man.... "but it's startin' to quiver."
Flower Season
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready agin fer vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Mexico. I went there and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I did that and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Alaska and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
"So, Billy Bob, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"This year, Luther, I'm taking Earline with me.”
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!
THE CAR SALESMAN GENIE
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car.
He opens it and out pops a genie... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid", says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's bound to be a string attached.
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one !"
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, my koochy koo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, my little loolie loolie, but the bar, you know, the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, my puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer that so frozen she was getting the chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, my tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But, sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F#CKING MUG AND EAT YOUR F@CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A$$HOLE?!!"
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him...give him five bucks."
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
"Most Hon'ble Sir, You leave the house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree. Not see. No fee."
The first divorce directly related to the Sept 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend’s apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn’t watching TV either.
When he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife, “Are you OK? Where are you?” He said, “What do you mean? In my office, of course.”
SOMETIMES
Sometimes... when you do the right thing ... no one cares......
Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears......
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress......
Sometimes... when you are happy .... no one sees your smile......
But let one fart rip really loudly just one time... !!!
This page last updated on 15th August 2002